We didn’t meet up again until we were in the back alley of the Media Lounge, unloading our gear into the back room. We were running a little bit late, because my car decided not to start after I had all of our gear loaded up—so I had to call a friend to come down with his car. It took him half an hour to reach me, and then it took another twenty minutes to beg him to let me use his car for the night. Then I made him help me transfer all of the equipment from my car to his, and then—of course—I got stuck in traffic. Danni was texting me the whole time, worried we would miss sound check and then we would end up performing with a poor mix. Luckily, we didn’t have a lot to set up, seeing as there was no drum kit to set up, and we were using the Media Lounge’s PA system. So we managed to get a ten-minute sound check in before we were rushed off the stage so they could open up the venue for the line of eager drinkers waiting at the door.
Danni went straight to the bathroom and stayed in there until minutes before we were due to take the stage. When she came out, her face was whiter than I’d ever seen it. “You’re going to be fine,” I said.
She nodded her head slowly with wide eyes, as if she wasn’t really listening to me. “What if they laugh at me?” she asked.
“Why would they?”
“I don’t know. What if they think it’s funny that I’m transgender?” she asked. And suddenly, all of that investigative work was for nothing. She just came out and said it, as if it was common knowledge, as if I already knew.
I opened my mouth to reply, but I was suddenly speechless, as if I was completely caught off guard. I almost didn’t believe her, even though I’d seen the evidence myself on her Facebook and her Instagram. I guess I never believed it. I always thought that there was some other explanation. She couldn’t be a dude—she was too pretty to be a dude. Though I couldn’t think of her as pretty now—my ego couldn’t accept it. She was a man and I had to think of her as a man, for the sake of my own self-esteem. I managed to clear my throat, but I still couldn’t manage to muster up any words.
“Wait—you didn’t know?” she said.
I nodded my head, and then I shook my head. “Know? Know what?”
“You didn’t know that I was trans?”
“I—I guess not. Don’t worry about that. Just worry about the music. You’ll do fine. People will love us. They’ll love you.”
And now she was smiling, as if I’d just delivered the best news she’d ever heard. Her grin nearly reached from one ear to the other. Maybe that was the first validation she’d ever received in her life. Maybe I was the first person who couldn’t tell that she was actually a man under that makeup. What did that say about me?
I tried not to think about it. I had a show to focus on, and lots of fresh guitar riffs that I had to nail if I ever wanted to play the Media Lounge again.
“Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you for the first time ever: Over Oleander!” the night’s host announced through the PA system. That was us—it was our time to take the stage.
I walked out slowly and picked up my guitar. The crowd clapped and cheered, even though they didn’t know who the hell we were. I looked over and saw Danni in position behind her keyboard, with her lips hovering in front of her microphone. I waited for her to start as I stared back out at the crowd. But the room was silent. Someone coughed and then I heard a snicker. Why weren’t we starting? I looked back at Danni. And she motioned towards the drum machine.
“Shit,” I mumbled under my breath. I had to start the drum machine before she could play. I reached down quickly and pressed play on our first programmed track. Then Danni hopped in. I waited a couple of bars and then I hopped in as well. And it wasn’t long before the crowd was moving to the music, swaying and dancing. Before the song was over, some people were even singing along to the chorus. Our music was a hit—Danni was a hit. Everyone was looking at her, as if I didn’t exist on the stage. Even when I started playing my guitar solo, they were still eyeing her. Some of the guys near the front were practically drooling over her and her short skirt and her amazing legs. Maybe I wasn’t the only one who couldn’t tell that she wasn’t really a woman. Maybe she was more convincing than I thought—and more convincing than she thought.
She was smiling. She had a cute smile. She looked at me and I could see in her eyes that she was truly happy, truly in her element. Nothing could stop her from dancing along with the music, swaying those beautiful hips and showing off those amazing legs. I noticed her outfit for the first time that night: her long fishnet sleeves and that fur top she wore the first time I met her. But now she was wearing a pleather skirt, which was tight, showing off the curve of her tush. She had her hair slicked back in a sexy sort of way, and her lips were shining with a delicious looking gloss. Even if she was a man, she was still hot.
We got a loud cheer when we finished our set—though I think most of that cheering was meant for her. I didn’t mind. I’d never been a big fan of the spotlight. I just wanted to play good music, and that was some of the best music I’d ever played in my life.
Danni was giddy when we got back to the green room. We got some dagger stares from the headlining band as they went out to take the stage. Now they had a seriously great performance they had to follow.
“That was so much fun! I’m kind of sad that it’s over,” Danni said, still with that big smile on her face.
“You did great—everyone loved you.”
Her eyes were glowing. I don’t think I’d ever seen her look so happy before. I don’t think I’d ever seen anyone look so happy—not since the night after my first show with Mimi. Mimi had also never performed on stage before, and she also got a standing ovation after our first set—though my first show with Mimi was at a much less desirable venue, as we had no contacts at the time. It was in the basement of a mostly quiet bar, and the bar manager turned our amps and PA system down to minimal volume so that patrons could still talk over our playing. But the gig was still fun, and Mimi was excited for a week afterwards.
“So when’s our next show?” Danni asked.
“Good question. Hopefully soon,” I said. I still needed a few hundred bucks to cover my rent, which was due in just five days. But most of the stress was gone now that I had most of that hefty bill covered. If I had to, I could busk at the bus station for a couple of days to make up most the difference, and then I could probably beg my parents for the remainder.
“What are you two doing this weekend?” a deep voice asked from the doorway. There was a man leaning his heavy body against the doorframe. He had a big moustache that curled upwards on both sides. “I need a band to fill a slot this Saturday. My other band dropped out on me last minute. There’s just one catch—it’s up in Grand Prairie.”
I looked at Danni and she looked at me. Her eyes were still glowing and she was still smiling. It maybe wasn’t the world tour she dreamed of, but it was in the right direction. “I know a bar in Edmonton that might need a spot filled for tomorrow,” I said.
“Sounds kind of like a tour,” said Danni. Her smile grew even bigger.
We agreed to do the show. I called up my contact in Edmonton that night. “I can squeeze you in around midnight tomorrow night,” he said.
“Deal,” I said. It was already 2:00 AM when Danni and I got all of our equipment loaded up in my friend’s car. “This isn’t my car by the way. My car’s dead. We’ll need to figure out how we’re going to get to Edmonton in the next twenty hours here.”
“My parents have a minivan that they hardly ever use. We can probably take that.”
So once she was finished school the next day, she pulled up to my apartment building in an obnoxiously purple minivan. We loaded everything into the back and then we took off for Edmonton. It wasn’t quite at cool as the white touring van we had for my old band, but it had four wheels and got us from point A to point B.
Danni told me more about school on the way up the QE-2. Apparently most of her friends stopped talking to her after she started transitioning, but she did
n’t resent them over it. Apparently the bullies pressured them into cutting off contact. “Some days it’s hard, some days it’s not so bad,” she said. “But I’ll be done school in a month, so I’ll never have to see any of those assholes ever again.”
“You’ll find that in the real world, most people don’t care about that stuff,” I said.
“I’m starting to see that,” she said with a big smile. “It’s so refreshing to see that you don’t care.” She was looking at me now with those big glowing eyes. My heart stuttered and I forced a smile. I kept my mouth shut, because I would have been lying if I said that I didn’t care. I was happy that she was perfectly convincing, and that she sounded just like a chick when she sang. I didn’t want people to think that I was involved with a tranny. And lots of people probably assumed we were an item, seeing as we were the only two members of a two-piece band.
But I didn’t mind if people did find out, as long as they understood that we were just musical partners and not a couple. It’s not like we were having sex. People could surely see that we made beautiful music together, so they could surely understand why we were in a band together. And that’s all that mattered—that’s what I kept reminding myself.
We arrived in Edmonton around 8:00 PM, just as the sun was beginning to dip below the horizon. We missed sound check, but we were fairly confident that we could wing it, seeing as we were just two amps and the house’s PA system. We went to the bar and had a few drinks while bands went on before us. Some of them were pretty good, making me feel a bit nervous—but not nearly as nervous as Danni.
Though a distraction from the nerves came in the form of a man a few years older than me approaching Danni to hit on her. “You look absolutely stunning,” he said to her. And then he bought her a drink. He took the seat right next to her and then he subtly scooched himself closer to her, so that he could reach his arm around her. I didn’t understand why Danni wasn’t pushing his arm away. Why was she letting the drunk creep touch her? And why was I feeling so strangely jealous?
He raised his hand to wave down the bartender, to buy Danni a second drink.
“Hey man,” I said. He looked up at me with a surprised look on his face.
“Can I help you?” he asked.
“She’s going on stage in a few minutes—she doesn’t need another drink.”
He stared at me with a dark look, and I stared back at him with a darker look. Was I defending Danni or was I defending myself? She wasn’t my property—she could do whatever she wanted, as long as she performed on stage and continued making music with me. So why did I care so much about this one drunk creep?
“He’s right—I probably shouldn’t have anymore. I want to have a clear head up there,” Danni said. “We should probably get back to the green room.” I was happy to get away from the guy, and the few other guys that were hovering around, waiting for their turn to swoop in and take a shot at Danny. I couldn’t help but wonder if they were just people with some sort of trans fetish. Maybe they could tell that she wasn’t really a woman, and that was something they were into. Or maybe I was just paranoid with my stage nerves.
I remembered to turn on the drum machine once we were both in position on stage. Danni didn’t miss a beat. She was ready to play with warm excitement on her face. I was a bit slower to get into my rhythm. I couldn’t help but notice the creep had found his way to the front of the crowd and he was now staring at Danni with a fixed gaze. He was practically leaving drool on the edge of the stage. During our second song, he even put his arms up on the stage, as if he wanted to be just a little bit closer to her. He was uncomfortably close to all of the cables, so I stepped forward and kicked him away. There was a clear sign that said ‘DO NOT LEAN AGAINST STAGE’. He looked up at me with a violent glare. And then I missed my guitar solo cue. Luckily, Danni had my back. She filled in with a little keyboard solo until I gave her the signal that I was ready to finally make my solo happen. It wasn’t the best solo, and I blame that on the creep who was once again leaning against the stage, trying to get just a little bit closer to Danni.
After the show, once we had our van packed up, I said, “Let’s go hangout somewhere else. This place is kind of a pit.”
“I don’t know. I thought it was fun in there,” she said.
“Nah. There are way better places. C’mon. Hop in. I know a good place just a few minutes away.” So we drove down to another bar on Whyte Ave. It was a bit less grungy and a bit less loud—and a bit less fun—but no one was getting their drool all over my band mate. We ordered a few beers and had a good chat in a corner booth. Danni was once again reeling over how much fun the show was.
“I can get used to this life,” she said with her big grin.
“It suits you,” I said. “You just have to watch out for creeps, like that one guy.”
“He wasn’t that bad,” she said.
“He was a loser. He just wanted to sleep with you.”
She laughed. “Listen to you. You’re starting to sound like the big brother I never had.” And now she was grinning at me with those glowing eyes. “It almost seems like you like me.” She bit down on her bottom lip and then she started to laugh. “I’m just kidding around with you. This is fun. What time do we have to be in Grand Prairie tomorrow? How far away is that even?”
“We should probably leave in the morning—definitely before noon.”
She finished her beer quickly—quicker than I’ve ever seen a girl drink a beer. It was a harrowing little reminder that she was actually a dude, and there were things about her that would always be masculine, no matter how much makeup she put on, no matter how long she grew her hair, no matter how many hormones she took, and no matter how long she practised her voice. At the end of the day, every cell in her body was a male cell, and her bones would always be male bones, and her brain was a male brain.
She stood up, showing off those impressive legs in that tiny skirt. “Should we go find a motel then?” she asked.
I finished my beer and we took off.
CHAPTER VI
We rented the cheapest room at the cheapest motel we could find. After the cost of gas and lodging, we weren’t going to be left with much from our two shows, and I still needed to pay my rent. Unfortunately, that meant sharing a bed. When the man at the front desk asked if we would be okay with a single bed, I assumed he was asking if we would be okay with one bed—but he literally meant a single bed. The bed in the room was about as wide as the bed that I had when I was ten years old—not even wide enough that I could spread out my arms.
Danni laughed when she saw the bed. “Should we ask for a bigger room?” she said.
“How much money do we have left?” I asked.
“I think we got three hundred for the gig, and this room is fifty. I think the bigger rooms are eighty—I think that’s what I saw at the front desk.”
My stomach turned. Was saving thirty bucks worth sharing a tiny bed with a tranny? I really needed that money. “You don’t mind sharing, do you? It’s just for one night. I can even go and sleep in the van if you want the bed.”
She laughed. “I don’t mind sharing. I used to share with my brother all the time when we went on family trips.”
My gut turned again. I stared at the little bed and then I forced a smile. “Okay. Cool,” I said. She went off to the bathroom to get ready for bed. I just slipped into a pair of sweatpants and a clean t-shirt and then I got into the little bed, hugging the edge so that she would have enough room to get comfortable without touching me.
I tried closing my eyes, but my heart was racing too quickly to go to sleep. I ended up opening them when I heard her emerge from the bathroom. She was changed out from her sexy stage outfit. Now, she was wearing a tiny pair of pink cotton shorts and a tight white t-shirt, which hugged her tits and showed off her perky nipples. I was more nervous about her legs, which were hardly covered by the world’s tiniest shorts. She walked over to her suitcase to put her old clothes away. As she bent over, I saw
her whole ass, save for the crack and the hole. It was smooth and round and surprisingly feminine. But I still forced myself to look away quickly. I didn’t want to stare at a man’s ass, even if it was perfect.
She crawled into the bed. She grazed me slightly, making me jump. Then I could feel the warmth radiating off of her body, which was kind of nice because that room was so cool and the heater didn’t seem to be working very effectively. “Good night,” she said.
“Good night,” I replied. She reached for the lamp and then the room became dark. But we didn’t end up going to sleep. Instead, we started chatting about the night, and she told me how excited she was for the show in Grand Prairie. We started coming up with names for our songs, and then we started talking about plans for our future. She spoke so passionately and with so much excitement. We ended up chatting until the sun was starting to peer through our curtains. “I guess we’d better get some sleep,” she finally said.
“I guess so,” I said. So we went to sleep. I subtly inched myself closer to her, just so I could feel a bit more of that warmth that was radiating off of her body. She gently snuggled her bum back, touching it against my lap. She didn’t say anything and neither did I. Her bum was soft and strangely comforting. The room was quiet when I gently reached my arm over her body. My heart was racing fast. I knew I was doing something that I might end up regretting—but I was just doing it to get more comfortable. I had nowhere else to put my arm, after all. And she didn’t seem to mind. She didn’t push my arm away or say anything. In fact, she snuggled back even more, pressing her whole body against mine. And then she went to sleep.
No one had to know about this. We were just making that small bed work for both of our bodies—it’s not like we were having sex or anything like that.
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