The Little Blue Door

by Francesca Catlow

  ‘Speaking of immature. How old are you?’

  ‘Why, do I look very old?’

  ‘No.’ He looked perfect. He had touches of dark grey in his stubble but otherwise his hair was dark, no hints to age.

  ‘I’m thirty-seven, not too old for you I hope?’ He took a mouthful of his curry and watched me while he chewed.

  ‘Sounds perfect to me.’

  Our conversation was very different to our first. It wasn’t the heavy exchange of storytelling or the download of our histories. It was more about light-hearted exchanges, people watching – cat watching at one point – and gentle touches, fleeting kisses. We smiled for the sake of just being happy, now in the glow of a candle as we finished our champagne and left, hand in hand, to meet Gaia.

  I was apprehensive but at least I no longer feared her intense looks. We met her at Athens Bar. We sat outside, again, to have the opportunity to converse while still absorbing the atmosphere, as the music filled the patio and laced the road outside. Anton made his way inside to order drinks and use the facilities.

  ‘I’m so sorry I ran away from you! You must think I’m incredibly foolish. I panicked!’ I was blushing at the memory of it and pressing on my cheeks with my fingers.

  ‘Don’t worry. My dad can be intimidating.’ She laughed and I exhaled some of my tension.

  ‘I just wanted to tell you who you look like! In case you have a long-lost cousin.’ I smiled at her thinking how much she must love her father to want to make an excuse to get to know me more. She was sat on the edge of her chair bouncing her legs inside her culottes.

  ‘Go for it, who do I look like? I hope it’s not a reality TV person because I won’t know who they are.’

  ‘No, no. She’s here on the island. Her name is Lil, Lil Pellet I think…’ She carried on talking. I couldn’t tell you what else she said. Not a word. The humid night held no mercy for me. All I remember was the heat, rushing from my toes to my head in one prickling throb, and then I went blank.

  Chapter 8

  I opened my eyes to a blanket of faces. My focus was only on Anton. His hand was clammy on my face; I pressed mine on top of his. The night air was dense, oppressive on my chest, making it uncomfortable to breath.

  ‘Kalispera handsome,’ I said.

  He muttered something in Greek, crossed himself, then scooped me up into his arms with ease. My eyes went in and out of kaleidoscope vision. I squeezed them tightly shut, and pressed my face into Anton’s chest. The dull ache in my skull tapped away like a finger on a table. The people dispersed from around us, back to wherever they came from, chatting and asking if I was okay. Everyone speculating as to the cause, most saying it was the heat, some mumbled I needed feeding up. He took me to a different table, one to the side, and laid me on something that resembled a long sofa made of stone. The owner placed water on the table and spoke to Ant in Greek before leaving us.

  ‘What happened?’ I said, as I tried to focus my eyes. I was suddenly aware of Gaia at his elbow and it came back to me.

  ‘You fainted. I think you hit the side of your head. Hit it on the ground.’ His voice wasn’t its usual low jovial notes, it was more uneven and rushed. His long fingers raced around my skull searching. It reminded me of a time when my papa searched my scalp for nits. Just like Papa, Anton carried on until he had satisfied himself that all was well.

  My squinting eyes fell on Gaia. The pair of them had matching frowns, only Gaia’s eyes were glistening in the candlelight and if she chewed her lip any harder, she would draw blood.

  ‘Lil Pellet. Do you mean Liliana Pelletier?’ My voice came out as almost a whisper. Anton’s head whipped round to face his daughter. I’d never said her name to him, but he had clearly put it all together. My mother. I hadn’t said her name out loud in many years.

  ‘Yeah, I think. Why? What is wrong?’ She looked from me to her father and hesitated on his face, desperately seeking his reassurance.

  ‘It sounds like you might know my mother.’

  ‘Oh,’ she said, as she sat down opposite me. I closed my eyes.

  ‘I don’t know her,’ I said. ‘She left me when I was a baby. That’s why I was brought up by my grandparents.’

  The finger tapping in my skull had become a knocking fist that was hard to ignore. Anton was kneeling by my side stroking my hand and looking at the floor.

  ‘Hey, what’s wrong with you? I’m the one that fell.’ I attempted a laugh but it hurt too much.

  ‘I wasn’t there when you needed me. I saw the whole thing and couldn’t be there.’

  ‘Yes, it’s entirely your fault for needing the loo. I ban you from all future toilet use.’ I rolled my eyes and removed the cushion on the stone sofa to press my face against the cool grey rock. It was rough on my skin, like a pumice stone. It grounded me and gave a small amount of relief to my throbbing skull.

  ‘I’ve never fainted before. I blame the champagne…’

  ‘Champagne!’ Gaia said. Her entire body language changed like the flick of a switch. She pulled her spine as straight as it would go, her fingers gripped the arms of the wicker chair and her eyes bulged out at her father. She couldn’t contain her face presenting a giddy little smile.

  ‘And what’s wrong with champagne?’ Anton said, in a low flat tone, his lips drawn into a line at her.

  ‘Nothing,’ she whispered, lowering her eyeline to smile at her lap.

  ‘So, who, where? Sorry. I just, I have a million questions and don’t know where to start. I guess, where do you know her from?’

  ‘“Know her” is too much.’ Gaia’s voice was slow and the frown slowly returned to her face. ‘A friend and I used to help people with fruit and olive picking, where we used to live. We were just bored and people let us, to feel helpful.’

  Sitting up, even slowly, made my head fell so heavy I thought my neck might give way. I looked down at my “lucky” squeakers and knew Mama would have laughed at it all.

  ‘Thank you, Gaia. I’m sorry, I’ve, yet again, embarrassed myself. Thank you. Thank you for telling me who I look like.’ I wanted to reassure her, I tried to smile but even that hurt. Anton reached out and touched the girl’s cheek and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. They were such a striking pair with their golden-olive skin, brilliant eyes and matching raised cheeks. Her hair was piled up high on her head, both neat and messy.

  ‘Can we please leave? I don’t feel at all well.’

  Anton agreed and then started talking to Gaia in Greek. She was nodding with short replies. She got up, kissed me on the head, kissed Ant on the cheek, and ordered me to be better. Then she left before I could even scramble a reply.

  ‘Where is she going?’ I said as I watched her go through squinted eyes.

  ‘To her friend, Natalia, it’s just around the corner, it’s where she has been all day. Come on, let’s get you home. I’m staying with you tonight. I hope you don’t mind? I want to take you to hospital first. I worry you have a concussion.’ He pressed the back of his hand to my forehead, in that way that parents do to their children, as though they can gain vast catalogues of information with the back of their hand.

  ‘I don’t. I just have a headache. I’m not going to hospital, I’m fine. I fainted, it’s hot, I need water and rest. But you are more than welcome to stay. Will you be sprinting out of the house again in the morning as entertainment?’ I gave a small smile as he helped me to my feet and walked me out of the bar. He looked down at me and gave me a squeeze.

  ‘No, I’ll stay as long as you need me. I’m also going to google signs on concussion.’ The air rushing past my face in the car helped with my head and I started to see through the fog of my mind.

  ‘I can’t believe I fainted,’ I said blankly, resting my head back to look at the stars above. Bright and hypnotic, billions of wishes floating in the sky.

  ‘You frightened the life f
rom me.’ I enjoyed the little hints of Greek in his voice. He was drumming the steering wheel with his thumbs. He kept opening and closing his mouth as though he was going to say something but the drumming was bringing back the feeling of nausea.

  ‘Could you please stop that?’ I squinted in the direction of his fingers in the dark.

  ‘Stop what?’

  ‘You’ve stopped now. The tapping. I’m too sensitive right now.’ I took a deep breath, ‘What are you thinking, I feel like you want to say something?’ I was rubbing my temples and I knew roughly what he was going to ask. I could hear him make a happy sound to acknowledge that I was indeed correct.

  ‘Do you really think it’s your mother?’

  ‘I don’t know.’ I kept my answer short; I wasn’t ready to overthink anything yet. I needed to lay down.

  When we got back he fussed around me. It was endearing to see this Hercules of a man cluck round like a mother hen. I guessed it was the role he was used to playing. It made me feel loved again, a sensation I thought had been taken from my future. His presence made my world full of possibilities. Perhaps it was my mother making anything seem possible? My mind was skipping like stones on the water.

  ‘I’ve taken you up a glass of water and cup of coffee. You must lay down now.’ I’d been sitting on the sofa watching him potter around. ‘Is there anything else you need?’ He leant over and stroked my face.

  ‘No thank you.’ I started to climb the staircase with Ant following behind like the world’s largest puppy. We arrived at the bedroom door and as I looked in it dawned on me: this wasn’t exactly how I thought the night would go. I hesitated before entering. Anton clearly picked up on my energy.

  ‘Do you want me to stay in one of the spare rooms?’

  ‘No!’ I almost shouted and grabbed his shirt. We stood in the doorway holding each other. ‘It’s just, I don’t know.’ I looked up at him with my chin on his chest. His astounding eyes peering down at me with a smile in each corner.

  ‘It’s okay. I am here as your man-slave to keep you well!’ The laugh that followed this statement rumbled in his chest nearly jiggling my head off; not a way to cure a headache.

  ‘Okay man-slave, where is my shirt?’

  ‘Shirt?’

  ‘I didn’t come to Corfu expecting man-slave company you know. I’m usually a bit shy for all that. So, I only brought comfy, oversized, cotton night shirts to sleep in.’ I pushed my hand under the pale green pillow, and there it was, waiting to be found. I started to undress and realised Anton was just sat on the bed watching me. ‘Well, this seems a little unfair man-slave.’ I gave him a little nod and attempted to pull my face into a sad pout.

  ‘Oh, yes, it is time to sleep.’ He started to undo his shirt but I was already down to underwear and not really sure where to go from there, suddenly shy. I turned around to remove my bra and put on my night-shirt. I was doing up my buttons as he was undoing his. ‘That’s not what I thought. How do you make a shirt look so…inviting?’

  I gave a coy look under my lashes but I was fully aware I hadn’t done as many buttons as I normally would, in either direction, just the ones in the middle. ‘Unfortunately, tonight you’re not invited. Any sudden movements and my head might drop off.’ I tried to laugh but really, I was more than a little disappointed. Anton was now down to a pair of black boxers and disappointment shifted; only the headache mixed with longing was left. I stood to the right-hand side of the bed and pealed back the sheet to slip inside next to Anton. Luckily there were no arguments as to who got which side as we curled up beside one another on the thin mattress. Facing him, we were like teens at a sleepover, ready to gossip.

  ‘What should I do? Should I find out if it is my mother? Gaia said she looks just like me. It can’t really be anyone else. I can’t imagine the name is all that common. What should I do?’

  ‘I can’t answer Melodie-Mou, only you can know.’ He was right of course, the Mou was new though. ‘The only thing I do know is, it’s late and I think you should sleep.’ He was right again, I’d ask about “Mou” in the morning. He kissed me and I didn’t want it to stop. His soft full lips pressed against mine, lingering then gently kissing my bottom lip. ‘Kalinikta, sleep well and know that I am here.’ My body began to relax leaving my mind to carry on whirling into sleep.

  I rolled into Anton’s back and sharply woke up. I wasn’t used to sharing and that left me awake in the early hours. He was very lightly snoring with each inhale. I traced his spine with my fingers, softly so as not to disturb him. It was all so surreal. After loneliness, boredom and devastation, I’d managed to throw myself into a parallel universe, one where I was happy and I had the choice of confronting my mother. One where perhaps I could fill in gaps and understand why she didn’t want me. I might even find out about my father, maybe I would be able to meet him too. Just to find out his name, what he looked like, if he knew I existed. I turned onto my back staring into the shadows of the room. My skin was cool from the air conditioning, it made my hot tears feel as though they might burn my skin. Prickles of overflowing lava. I didn’t mean to cry, but I couldn’t contain it anymore. I missed my grandparents more than ever. I didn’t know it was possible. I could hear my papa say, ‘Come on kiddo, it can’t be all that,’ which he would always say when I cried. He would sit next to me, put his arm around my shoulder and squeeze. We were the same height, Papa and I. I always felt that I looked like a cuckoo in their nest. What would they say to finding her? We never discussed it. I don’t think any of us believed we would ever see her again, not after so many years. My whole lifetime. They would never have wanted to be the ones to get my hopes up just to see them dashed. Had she been in Corfu this whole time? So close and yet so far? However many times I wiped my eyes, tears kept puddling out.

  I was desperately trying to stay silent and still in the shadows of the bed, but I was finding it hard to contain. I decided to get up and creep to the bathroom. I ended up sat on the floor letting the emotions roll over me like a cascade of bricks. They hit me one by one: fear, loss, regret, hate, love, contempt, frustration, outrage…the bricks fell endlessly and so did my tears. I told myself I had to pull it together. I didn’t want Anton to see me like that. Just a blithering mess. I pressed a cold wet flannel to my face and looked in the mirror. ‘I feel like I know your face,’ Gaia had said. I’d seen photos of course; I knew she looked like Mama. Her hazel colouring was like me too, although maybe she had grey hair now, or perhaps she dyed it? Aimlessly wondering as I rubbed the soft threads of my hair together. Wishing I could conjure her with my mind. Different eyes though, I recalled, dropping my hair. Hers were blue. I always wondered what colour my father’s were. I wondered what she sounded like, what she smelt like, what clothes she might wear.

  I had made my decision. I had to see her. I needed to talk to Gaia as soon as I could, so I could prepare myself. I went back to bed, cold but strong in my decision making. I quietly slipped between the warm cotton sheets, and wrapped my arm around Anton, melting into his heat for a few more hours’ sleep.

  Chapter 9

  I rubbed my eyes, the lids felt soft and puffy. Glancing about the room, there was no sign of Anton. I wondered if I had missed his skit that morning, although he had promised there wouldn’t be one. I heard him downstairs, so I quickly jumped out of bed to wash my face and generally make myself more presentable. I sat back in bed waiting for his return while replying to work emails and posting on socials. I only had to work here and there to keep on top of things, which had made life more relaxed while being in Corfu.

  ‘You’re awake! Kalo Mina!’ He was holding a tray with scrambled eggs and toast.

  ‘Pinch, punch, first of the month and no returns!’ I said. We both laughed at our little exchange. I was just pleased to have correctly understood something outside of “hello” and “thank you”.

  ‘I made breakfast, although there was not much choice in what to m
ake.’ He looked a little disheartened but I was still impressed.

  ‘I think because I eat alone, I don’t really make much of an effort. If I bother with breakfast, I just have toast.’ We proceeded to organise ourselves within the sheets and ate breakfast in between chatting.

  ‘I’ve decided I want to see her,’ I announced before taking another mouthful. Balancing food on the bed emphasised Anton’s size making him look bulky and inelegant as he ate. Yet, even that somehow still made me glow from the inside out. That warmth you can only get from caring for someone and them reflecting it.

  ‘Okay, so what next?’ he said, tilting his head.

  ‘I’d like to have a chat with Gaia, if you don’t mind? I wouldn’t have known any of this without her. She knows the most at this point.’ I was eyeing his reaction but he was nodding the whole time, reassuring me.

  ‘That makes sense. I’ll text her. We can get her from Natalia’s and you can speak at our house, if that’s okay?’

  ‘Perfect!’

  ‘Speak for yourself.’ He gave me a cheeky glance and placed his breakfast paraphernalia on the bedside cabinet. Passing him mine to join his, I rolled my eyes; in what world was I perfect? I lay down on the bed the wrong way around, pondering perfection. We were quietly smiling at each other. He ran his fingers along my thigh then pushed my hair from my eyes. I was still, leaning slightly on one arm intently watching him watch me. His hand then moved from my face down my neck then between my breast where my first button was done up. With one hand he undid it, then followed down one by one. Carefully, he uncovered me and wrapped his arm around me placing part of his weight on me and kissed me. He turned his attention to my neck and I held him close pushing my body to his. It only took the loud ringing of Anton’s phone to cause us to jump apart like teenagers. Anton answered it. I quickly grabbed some shaggy denim shorts, a plain white top and went to the shower to cool off. When I got back, he was dressed and off the phone.