‘Here we are,’ he said, as the sea came into view. There were large slabs of rock protruding into the undulating turquoise blanket known as the Mediterranean. We were quite high above, looking down on it all. Carefully, he put me down and walked me towards the shade of a tree. He revealed a blanket from his basket and placed it on the large, flat, grey surface. This was swiftly followed by champagne popping and spilling over the neatly placed blanket.
‘Bloody typical. I guess romance isn’t my forte.’ He gave a deflated sigh and grabbed for a napkin.
‘Don’t be silly! This is all perfect. Plus, what’s perfection without a wet bum?’ I gave a sly look and grabbed his bottom hard, before choosing carefully where to sit. ‘It’ll be dry in no time on this hot rock anyway, so there’s nothing to worry about.’
‘You haven’t said much about today. How was she?’ he said, while pouring the champagne into elegant, all be it plastic, flutes. I took my bag from across my body and pulled out the photo I’d been given, taking one short glance at it before I passed it to him without saying a word. ‘Well. that’s got to be your mother.’ I nodded. ‘I take it that’s him? That’s Adam?’
‘It is.’
‘He looks so normal. How do you feel about seeing him?’ He passed back the image and I carefully put it away.
‘Okay. It’s hard to believe all the things he did from that photo though. He looks positively baby faced!’ I sipped my champagne a little harder than I should in the heat of the afternoon. It was at that point in time a hornet decided to fly between us, making me instinctively swot my hand and resulting in throwing champagne all over my dress. ‘What an idiot!’ In trying to use the blanket to mop me up, Anton then managed to pull over his glass soaking his shoe. ‘What are you doing? I thought I was the clumsy one!’ Neither of us could help but laugh.
‘I don’t know! This isn’t at all how I planned it.’ We laughed but between the heat of the day and our sticky mess the romance had fallen flat. We stayed a short while, watching the boats in the distance coming and going, dancing on the waves. In the end we finished what was left of the bottle of champagne, ate some olives then packed up the box to head back. Halfway towards the car I decided to dismount from my piggy and walk for myself.
‘Is Gaia about? I wanted to chat to her about sensible shoes. It seems if I’m staying here I might be needing some… Ouch! Shit!’ Right on cue something sharp dug into the toe I’d hurt at Angelokastro castle. ‘Shit! Shit!’ Anton dropped the basket and helped me to a grassier patch between the trees. A small twig stuck into the wound making it bleed again. ‘I think Corfu hates me, maybe that’s a sign I shouldn’t stay,’ I said, without any irony, with fear that I only had a day or two left and I still didn’t know what to do.
‘As long as the people don’t,’ he smiled down at me. ‘Let me look.’ He studied it then kissed close to the wound. ‘All better.’ Absentmindedly rubbed my leg. He couldn’t have known what he had done at first, but his touch stirred something up in us both. Suddenly my toe was no longer of first concern. I glanced around. Other than lizards and insects, we were quite alone. He leant forward to kiss me but instead he hesitated giving a small smile so close to my face I could almost feel the hair from his chin.
‘Eise to panda gia mena,’ he said; it could have been a question. Slowly resting his head on my shoulder, for just a moment, before I felt the light touch of his hand along my thigh. He ran his finger under my knicker line as he gave in and kissed me.
‘What does that mean?’ I pulled away but held his white t-shirt tightly in my fists, squeezing it around his chest.
‘It means you should learn a little Greek.’ He put on a stronger accent than he normally had and kissed my neck.
‘No, really, what did you say. It so unfair, it’s a hard language.’
‘Unfair?’ he continued between the tiny kisses he was planting like seeds of desire and anguish. ‘Gamoto,’ he growled. ‘You’re unfair. You fall into my life when I was perfectly good. Look what you’ve done. Come here,’ he breathed and sat down next to me against a tree, pulling me on top of him. He brushed me down, cleaning off dried grass and leaves then turned his attention back to his planting of kisses. Now across my shoulder and arm. He held me tightly, both arms bound around me.
‘Please tell me.’ I didn’t know why I wanted to know so badly; that’s a lie, I did. I wanted it to be stay or I love you. I was becoming increasingly frustrated. He looked up at me but didn’t stop kissing, he punctuated each word with a fleeting kiss.
‘You, mean, everything, to, me,’ then one more kiss under my jaw bone. ‘Happy now?’ I was already bothered from the fever of the air. I wished I hadn’t asked. It wasn’t I love you, but it was as close as it could be. I actually think it meant more to me than if he had said I love you. I could feel myself falling into the lap of Corfu, not just his. I put my hands on his face, smoothing his brow with my thumbs, and looked closely at the colours and textures of his eyes; green with thin flecks of blue and turquoise. They reminded me of my opal ring.
‘Happy,’ I confirmed.
‘Eise poli omorfi,’ he said with a laugh in his throat. Then he kissed me, hard, before I could question him again. He ran his hands around the line of my waist, drawing me to him. In turn I ran my fingers along his neck and he slipped his hand beneath the soft cotton of my dress, thumb caressing my nipple, drawing its attention like a soldier on the march. I lifted my weight and unzipped him beneath me, finding his own confession of wanting between my fingers. I toyed with him, reliving the memory of a feeling, and the anticipation of having it again. He was moaning somewhere deep in his chest, as I slid the protection between us. With an agonising drop in my weight, I exhaled deeply in his ear, fingers at his hard shoulders. Together we swayed like the ships on the sea, until I was holding onto the tree behind him to ground myself, before I was lost. He whispered to me in Greek, I wasn’t sure if it was to tease me, taunt me, or because he just didn’t want to be understood. Together we burst into flames and only the puddles of sweat were left to contain us.
Both panting, he took my face in his hands and whispered, ‘Eise poli omorfi’ again. I flattened my face into a frown which triggered an eye roll from him. ‘You’re so beautiful! But I definitely should’ve said you need to learn some Greek!’ We picked ourselves up from where I fell and carefully walked back to the car.
With the cool air rushing over my face, I was glad of his convertible.
‘You know,’ I said, grasping his knee as we went along, ‘I read once, that in Ancient Greece, sex and sexuality was intrinsically linked to all of creation. That even today, sex is central to Greek identity.’ I squeezed his knee a little tighter. ‘So, what do you say, true or false?’
‘I can only speak for me, and remember, I’m only half Greek.’
‘True, but your opinion is the one of most value.’
‘Efcharistó, well, I suppose in some way it is. Who you choose, and why you choose them, is a reflection on identity.’
I considered the consequences of his words. ‘So why did you choose me?’ I tried not to make my words sound needy as we pulled into his drive, hair whipped across my face and into my mouth reminiscent of the day we met. I tilted my head down to retrieve the hair while waiting for a cheesy response. He didn’t answer. Instead, when I looked up, he was frowning. I looked at the house to see a young girl sat on the doorstep. ‘Who’s that?’ I looked from her to him waiting for more information to come my way.
‘That’s one of Gaia’s friends, Nefeli.’ He was out of the car quickly with a calm tone but his body was stretched to his full intimidating height. I don’t know if it was intentional, but as he walked across the dirt driveway, small clouds were puffing up around him making it look like he was a monster emerging from the ground. The girl looked young for her age but didn’t seem too worried by Anton.
‘Yassou, Eli.’ That was all I picked
up on as they went into Greek. He didn’t introduce me or even acknowledge my presence. I went to my car and hovered, pretending to get something out of the boot. I shuffled about. I was trying to blend in but I was more like a potato trying to hide in the stones. Anton suddenly seemed very agitated and paced out a small circle on himself like a caged bear. The girl had started to go pink and kept shrugging. Poor thing. I took this as my cue to butt in.
‘What’s going on?’ Anton’s head snapped round at me as though I were an unknown factor he had forgotten all about.
‘Gaia, she told me she was with Eli, but Eli is here as Gaia borrowed her mum’s necklace and she wants it back.’
‘Oh, that’s not Eli’s fault. Does she know where Gaia is?’
‘Don’t you think I’d be on my way there if she did?’ he snapped.
‘Do either of you have any idea?’ I did. I knew. I didn’t want to be the one to say if I didn’t have to.
‘See was at the beatz with…’ My stomach was contracting knowing what she might say through her heavy accent. She pushed little green glasses long the bridge of her nose and glanced between us nervously. ‘…with Finn. Not there now.’ Anton instantly went into a flurry of Greek.
‘I take it you know who Finn is?’ I asked Anton, even though I knew the answer. I didn’t know if to just tell him I knew about Finn too, or if to lie. I didn’t want to lie but I didn’t want to lose Gaia’s trust.
‘Yes. Eli, you can go home now. Please apologise to your mother.’ He then slipped back into Greek and the girl got on her bike and hastily left.
‘Don’t be too harsh on her.’
‘Eli, no, she knows it’s aimed at Gaia,’ he said.
‘No, I meant Gaia.’
‘What,’ he growled. ‘Finn is her ex-boyfriend. So, I thought. I didn’t like the boy. He’s a player and older.’ He was pacing a little, somehow managing to answer me while deep in his own thoughts.
‘I know. What do we do?’ He stopped pacing to turn to me.
‘We? No, I think you should go. I’ll call you later.’ Then his face changed, those green eyes had fire behind them. They turned dark and pointed. I was holding my breath trying not to even blink.
‘You know… What do you know?’ His voice was so low I wouldn’t have been surprised if he’d made the ground shake.
‘Gaia wanted advice, woman to woman. She made me promise not to tell you; please, please don’t be mad, I was happy I was forming a bond with her.’
‘And who said you could?’ he snapped at me and went back to his pacing.
‘Well, you seemed bloody pleased about it at the time.’
He ruffled and pulled at his hair. Then he stopped and the dust in the air began to settle again. ‘I’ve been doing this alone for ten years, I am glad she likes you, but she is thirteen. Don’t keep things from me, you are the adult!’
‘I know, but I didn’t want to let her down either. Come on, I could be helpful. Maybe I could text her? Maybe she’d come home? Or you could go and look and I could stay here in case she comes back?’ I didn’t want to so easily be dismissed from their family. Shown to the door as evidence of being an outsider in their little two. His face softened, but only slightly. Perhaps he was reading my thoughts again, or at least my face.
‘Okay, you can help. This isn’t over though. I don’t like you hiding my daughter’s secrets from me. You wait here, I’m going to get Gaia. He only lives a minute away.’
He jumped into his car and left. It was only then that it dawned on me he hadn’t opened the front door. Luckily, being Corfu, it had been left open. Eli obviously didn’t think it right to wait inside. It was silent, bar the hum of the air conditioning. I walked the large circuit of the house contemplating what my normal would look like if I lived here. Could I take on the role of step-mother to a teenage girl? Would we have more children? Was he going to forgive me for keeping Gaia’s secrets? I traced my finger along the dining room table – would this be the table I’d be eating my meals at from now on?
Then the wall of sound smacked me out of my day-dreaming, making me whip round like a child who knows they’re in the wrong. It was a wall of Greek at first and I’m pretty sure they had forgotten I was there.
‘Gaia you’re a child, if I say you’re not seeing him, you don’t see him! That’s it!’ Suddenly something I could understand.
‘You cannot tell me what to do! This is, this is sexist!’ She added something in Greek.
‘You can’t talk to me like that! You’re grounded.’
‘It’s not like you’d be here to even notice!’ Her hands were on her hips and I could see she was wearing make-up, lashings of mascara, a bit like mine. I hadn’t seen her wear anything like that before. She had a crop top and shorts on, she seemed so exposed. I think what happened to my mother had put us all on edge.
‘Don’t be ridiculous! I can be sure you are home all summer if needed!’
‘No you can’t! You’re always off with your new girlfriend!’ Suddenly I was being pointed at and they were both looking in my direction.
‘Hi Gaia, how are you?’ I sounded ludicrous and small in amongst their shouting and flamboyant arm waving. Silence hit; Anton pulled his forehead tighter together into creases I’d never have imagined were possible, but Gaia softened a little.
‘Good, thank you. Apart from Dad only treating me adult when he wants to have sex with you. How are you?’ How she hit softness with cutting sarcasms and truth so painfully was beyond me. Only a girl with fire in her belly can get that combination right. At this Anton seemed to grow a foot taller and his eyebrows hit the roof. The problem was she had made both of us blush and flustered and she damn well knew it.
‘I’m okay thank you. Sorry I had to tell your dad about our conversation,’ I muttered, shifting my weight from one hip to the other as though my legs were getting ready to run.
‘You spiteful little girl,’ he growled at her. Her eyes and cheeks were washed with pink and a tear fell from her lower lash straight to the floor. Then her hands were off her hips and punching down by her sides.
‘Go to your room,’ he said quietly and she did just that. We stood still, left in the thick smog of the argument. Angry breaths huffed and puffed from Ant’s chest; I didn’t want to be the first to speak.
‘I think you should go. I need to look after my daughter.’ His face was a vibrant purple-red and for the first time I was happy to leave. I skulked past him without even a kiss. I drove back to my Corfu home feeling utterly confused and abandoned. I didn’t feel welcome in their life and it left me with a thousand questions. Later that evening I got a message just saying ‘sorry’. I didn’t reply. I couldn’t think of any words to say.
Chapter 16
I was up early to see my mother again. I was quite excited to tell her about my love drama. Even though she perhaps didn’t have conventional life experiences, I wanted her opinion on it all. With or without a frame of reference. I stopped to buy some sweet treats to take with me to gossip over.
I arrived at her door itching to see her. She knew I was coming, and it was Corfu, so I knocked and walked in simultaneously, calling out for her as I went.
My eyes caught sight of her sat in her chair. At first, I thought she was asleep. She was tightly wrapped in a thin, pale blue dressing gown, which didn’t quite cover her knees, and her hair was perfectly placed around her shoulders.
Only, her eyes were wide open.
And so was her mouth, and her head rested heavily on the back of the chair.
Dropping the cakes I was carrying, I took two strides to be next to her. I touched her face, but even in the heat of the room she was cold. Tears clouded my vision as I begged her to wake up, even though I knew that she wasn’t really there. I could hardly breathe. Each breath was shorter and sharper than the last. I clutched my mother’s left hand in both of mine. I kept asking myself
why hadn’t I held her tighter or stayed longer the last time I’d been with her? I shouldn’t have left her. I should have taken her with me. Why had I left so bloody early? Eventually, amongst the whirl of questions, I managed to take one large breath to save myself from suffocating in my sorrow.
All of a sudden, my freshly deranged mind took me to Gaia. At only three years old, she had had to grow up. She had watched her mother pass, and had held her cold hand. Neither one of us could have predicted or understood these sudden losses. My mother’s eyes were still wide open. Reaching up, I tried to shut them, only for them to spring back open again. It wasn’t what I thought – stupid to think it would be like something in a film. I wondered if that had happened with Gaia too, and what a three-year-old would have thought? Perhaps she’d have thought it was a game. I pressed my mother’s lids closed and held them there until they stayed closed. Focusing on Gaia and closing my mother’s eyes had distracted me just enough to begin to process what was in front of me and what I needed to do.
Still kneeling by her side, and holding her hand, I took my phone from my pocket with the other. My hands were shaking as I dialled 112. Thank God the lady on the line spoke English, but as I described the scene to her, it was hard to hold back from vomiting.
My chest was still trembling from crying as I waited for the police and the ambulance to arrive, and my eyes were full of mascara flakes. I cleared them a little with my fingertips and that’s when I noticed a little notebook on the floor by my mother’s bare foot. I picked it up, while still holding my mother’s hand, much like Gaia had with her mother. I was reluctant to let go, yet I couldn’t help but open the little yellow book. It was her diary. There weren’t very many entries so I quickly found her final one:
The Little Blue Door Page 17