Candy had been wildly baffled by the invitation, but Gram was persuasive. In the end, Candy was honored to be included and relieved she wouldn’t have to go out and buy a dress. Of course, I threatened an ass-kicking if she picked her teeth during the funeral. Candy grudgingly agreed. It helped that I carried a little weight after knocking down the tree with my bare hands.
“You ready to be a guest at your own funeral?” I asked Gram with a grin, checking the lipstick on her body one last time.
“Hell to the yes,” Gram squealed. “Can’t wait to listen in on everybody turning me into some kind of saint. People are ridiculous at funerals. You just make sure they follow my rules.”
Her rules, which were relayed through me, were that no one was allowed to cry. Only fun stories were permitted and it was to be a celebration of Gram’s life.
“I’ll do my best,” I said, taking her hand. “Should I tell the story about the time you answered the door buck naked when the Jehovah’s Witnesses stopped by?”
“Wait till the reception for that humdinger,” Gram suggested with a cackle. “But I don’t want you breathing a word that I used canned peaches and margarine instead of butter in my prize winnin’ cobbler.”
“You did?”
“That’s the secret,” she whispered. “I’m takin’ that one to the grave.”
“My lips are sealed,” I promised.
“Only thing I’m sad about today is that Steve can’t be here,” Gram said as we made our way to the chapel area of the funeral home. “Love that boy like a son.”
I nodded so it wouldn’t look like I was talking to myself if anyone was watching.
Steve had been the happiest of all that Gram was still with us in a roundabout way. They’d spent hours together this week and Steve’s speaking had improved a bit. His physical condition had not. If Gram was shocked by his state of decay, she didn’t show it or mention it. She fussed on him like she had when he was alive and well.
“I know,” I said. “Steve’s sad about that too.”
“You think he’ll be leaving soon?” Gram questioned.
“I do,” I said.
The day Steve went into the light would be the last gift I would give to my best friend. The injustice of what Clarissa had done would not stand when challenged. I believed it with every bone in my body. Watching the Angel of Mercy pay for trying to destroy Steve to get to me was what I lived for.
“Will you be able to let him go?” Gram questioned.
I’d let Steve go once and it had devastated me. But his life now was in a horrifying and inhumane limbo. This time, it would break my heart, but I would be happy and at peace with it.
I nodded to Gram so I wouldn’t cry. It was against the rules today.
There were some important points to settle before the tribunal could occur. How to bear the burden of proof was among them. Gideon could read the Sumerian in my book perfectly. He’d discovered it was impossible for more than one person to enter the mind of the dead at a time unless it was another Death Counselor. That was kind of out of the question since Gram was deceased.
It was a major issue. While Tim, Gideon, Heather and even Candy Vargo were fine with me reporting what I saw, John Travolta was not. The conflict of interest was insurmountable in his opinion and could derail the result I sought.
It made sense. I didn’t like his position and secretly wondered if he was rooting for Clarissa since they were both Angels. It didn’t matter. When the truth was out, the Angel of Mercy would go down.
The conundrum was how to get definitive proof. My socially awkward buddy Tim had come up with an idea. I hadn’t heard it yet but planned on speaking with him after the reception. Any kind of plan Tim came up with was welcome as long as it didn’t include stealing sex toys.
“Everything okay?” Gideon asked, putting his arm around me and covertly nodding at Gram.
It had taken my friends a few days to accept Gideon back into my life. The deciding factor was them seeing how happy I was despite Gram’s passing. Jennifer had let Gideon know multiple times that she was banging the chief of police and that he had better watch his step. The Grim Reaper took it all in stride and was impressed by how loyal my girls were. Even Tim had taken Gideon aside and threatened to put a permanent stop on his mail if he screwed up.
I’d tried to explain to everyone that it took two to tango and I was as much at fault, if not more than Gideon. However, no one would hear it. Gideon could care less. Our house was being built, he knew he was loved and the bedroom was close to completion.
“She’s upset about the red lipstick Goober slapped on her,” I told him, waving at a few of Gram’s neighbors. “I did my best to fix it.”
“What color does she want?” Gideon asked, as Goober somberly rolled the casket to the front of the chapel.
“Rusty orange,” Gram said, popping her head in between Gideon’s and mine. “Can you make that happen?”
“I can,” Gideon said, keeping his gaze on the coffin. “Anything else?”
“Can you give me a quickie boob lift and a little more mascara?” she inquired.
“Are you serious?” I asked, almost turning to look at her.
“As a heart attack,” Gram said. “Always wanted to get my knockers done. Just didn’t have the time.”
Gideon bit down on his lip and swallowed back a laugh or a groan. I wasn’t sure which. Either one would have been appropriate.
“Okay,” he said, eyeing the casket. “Rusty orange lips, perky knockers and more mascara?”
“You got it,” Gram answered. “If you can make my girls look like they did when I was twenty, you’re gonna earn a bunch of brownie points.”
“I’ll see what I can do,” he said as he moved toward the casket.
“He’s a keeper,” Gram announced.
“Because he’s giving you a postmortem boob job?” I asked, moving my lips as little as possible.
Gram giggled. “Well, that’s a nice added bonus, but nope. That boy’s a keeper because you love him and he loves you. Steve is beside himself with joy that it worked out.”
“That was his unfinished business,” I told her, digging through my purse to find some tissue I could put over my mouth to hide our conversation. “He wanted me to find real love.”
The room filled quickly. For the most part everyone was following the rules. Several of the gals from the Gladiola’s Ladies Club were horrorstruck at the homage to Gram and Bob Barker, but most laughed with delight.
“Can you believe what Anne Wilson Benang Walters is wearing?” Gram gossiped in my ear. “That woman is eighty-two if she’s a day. That is entirely too much cleavage to be showing in public, much less at my funeral. Everybody and their brother can see straight down to the promised land in that travesty. Wonder if Gideon could deflate Anne’s knockers?”
“No. Absolutely not. Do not even ask him,” I hissed. “We are not here to maim anyone. Am I clear? Even someone named Anne Wilson Benang Walters.”
“Fine,” Gram pouted, and then grinned. “I’m just gonna float around and listen to what people have to say about me. Knock a few heads together if I don’t like what I’m hearin’.”
“That should go well,” I muttered as she zipped away.
“You doing okay, sweetheart?” June asked, approaching with Missy, Jennifer and Heather.
“I am,” I said. “And thank you guys for making all the food for the reception. Gram would have loved that.”
Actually, Gram had insisted on it.
“It was our pleasure, Daisy,” June said, smiling sweetly and giving me a warm hug. “Charlie will be here any minute. He drove all the food over and set it up.”
I smiled and wondered if Charlie would be freaked out if he saw Birdie’s head in the fridge. While a human wouldn’t be able to see it, Charlie definitely would.
“Penny for your thoughts,” Missy said, taking my hand in hers and squeezing.
“Just thinking how much Gram would have liked this party.”
/>
I caught Heather out of the corner of my eye trying not to laugh. She’d witnessed Gram insisting on the homage to Bob Barker. I’d almost decked Heather when she’d suggested Gram also pay tribute to Alex Trebek, Pat Sajak and Monty Hall. Thankfully, Gram didn’t want any focus pulled from her boyfriend Bob.
“You did such a bang-up job,” Missy said, scanning the crowd. “Couldn’t have been better if she’d planned it herself.”
The irony almost made me laugh. However, catching a glimpse of Gram across the room trying to pull Anne Wilson Benang Walters’ low-cut dress to a more demure spot did make me laugh.
“Jesus in a thong,” Jennifer said, throwing her little hands in the air. “Gram looks like a million bucks.”
“Jennifer,” June chastised. “Not exactly what you’re supposed to say at a funeral.”
“No, it’s okay,” I said, kissing Jennifer’s cheek. “Gram would be delighted.”
“I am,” Gram shouted over my shoulder, scaring the crap out of me. “Tell Jennifer to keep talkin’. I’ve missed that gal.”
“So… umm… Jennifer,” I stuttered, trying to figure out how to phrase Gram’s wish without sounding like a whack job. “Let’s compliment Gram… and talk about how great she looks.”
Missy eyed me a little sideways, but didn’t say anything. Yes. I knew it was odd, but I was doing my best to grant all Gram’s wishes. It was her day… so to speak.
“Not. A. Problem,” Jennifer announced, grabbing my hand and dragging me over to where Gram’s body rested.
Gram was right on our tail and whooped with joy.
“Look at those knockers,” Jennifer said, to the appalled astonishment of some of the older townswomen paying their respects. “Gram had it going on! Her makeup is divine and the lipstick is perfect. Goober Walton should open up a beauty salon. I’d be there in a hot sec. She looks gorgeous.”
“Bullshit,” Gram hissed. “Tell her it was Gideon, not Goober.”
“Nope,” I told Gram as Jennifer glanced over at me.
“You don’t think she looks beautiful?” Jennifer asked.
“I do,” I said quickly.
“But you said nope,” she pointed out.
“I was saying no to umm… Goober running a salon. Because, you know… his… umm… way with a tube of lipstick would be missed here.”
“Smooth,” Gram said with a giggle as she floated away to cause more trouble.
“I feel you,” Jennifer agreed. “Ohhhhh, I almost forgot. Can you believe that shit about that poor gal’s brother getting killed by bees? Karma is a real bitch.”
“What?” Candy Vargo asked as she stepped up to the casket to pay her respects to the woman who she could clearly see flying around the chapel like a nutbag. “Somebody call me?”
“No,” I said, widening my eyes so it was clear Jennifer knew nothing about the insanity that existed around her.
“Huh.” Candy pulled a toothpick out of her pocket, noticed my irate expression and put it back. “My bad. Thought I heard my name.”
“Nope,” I said, gently pushing Jennifer toward the seats. “It’s time to start. Why don’t we all sit down?”
“Good plan,” Jennifer said, grabbing a seat in the front row. “I just wish Bob Barker had been able to come.”
“I’m sorry. What?” I asked, sure I’d heard her wrong.
“I invited him,” she told me. “Told him Gram was his biggest fan. Maybe he’ll show up at the reception.”
Jennifer had always been excellent at stunning me to silence. Today took the cake.
“How did you reach him?” I asked.
“Gram had his address. Gave it to me on her final morning. Told me if she kicked the bucket to invite her boyfriend Bob.”
And that’s when I laughed. Hard. I knew there were some who thought I was disrespectful, but I didn’t care. All of the people who truly mattered to me did not. Especially the woman of honor. Gram’s opinion was the only one that mattered today.
“Of course, she had Bob Barker’s address,” I muttered as Gideon sat down next to me and the celebration of Gram’s life began.
“Never seen anything like this,” Gideon whispered in my ear as we watched Gram zip through the mourners and land with a crash on top of her dead body.
I was fairly certain I heard Candy Vargo and Tim laugh. A few other Immortals in attendance gasped. Even John Travolta seemed amused. The man was a strange one, and I wasn’t sure he would attend. However, he’d shown up, and chances were good that he would stop by my house for the reception afterward.
I had plans for an impromptu Immortal meeting. The clock was ticking, and the thought of Clarissa getting away with what she’d done was abhorrent. Steve deserved the afterlife he’d earned. And I was going to make sure he got it.
Chapter Twenty
“I just can’t believe it,” June gushed, fanning herself and blushing. “He looked so good in person. Such a dapper man.”
I couldn’t believe it either. Bob Barker had pulled up in a black limo and stopped in to pay his respects to Gram. He’d flown all the way from California to Georgia and stayed for an entire hour.
“I’m a little shocked too,” Jennifer said, coming out of the kitchen with a wipe to clean off the tables now that the food had been put away.
“You wrote him,” Missy pointed out, picking up used plates and napkins.
“I know,” Jennifer said, flopping down on the couch and petting Donna. “But I sure as hell didn’t think he’d show up.”
Karen was sound asleep under the coffee table. She’d successfully raided the trashcan three times and was coming down off of a doggy sugar high. I was sure she’d have some house- clearing gas later, but I didn’t care. The reception had gone smoothly and Gram was pleased.
“Must have been good karma,” Candy Vargo said, picking her teeth and winking at me.
I was flabbergasted. I didn’t know the Immortal rules for favors done. However, I was fairly sure Candy Vargo didn’t do nice things for free. What in the heck had Karma done to get Bob Barker to come to a funeral reception on the other side of the country for a woman he didn’t know? I decided not to ask. Some things were far better left to the unknown.
“I’ve asked them to stay after for a meeting,” Gideon said quietly.
I was looking forward to it. The time had come. I could feel it.
I smiled and leaned into Gideon for comfort. Exhaustion didn’t quite describe how I felt. Thank God for my friends. I could swear the entire town had shown up for the reception. If I had to guess, I’d say thirty percent didn’t even know Gram and were nosey. However, it was a sin in the South to come empty-handed to any kind of celebration—especially a funeral.
In other words, I was stocked with pies and casseroles to last into the next year.
“Today was outstanding,” Heather said, joining Gideon and me as the last of the crowd made their exit. “Best part was when Gram crashed into the casket.”
“Shhh,” I said with a laugh. “There are still people here.”
“What are we?” Heather inquired playfully.
“We’re freaks,” I told her. “Do not announce it to the town.”
“Whoops,” Heather said, grinning as she skipped away and helped with the cleanup.
“It really was quite spectacular,” Gideon said. “Never saw anything like it. Best funeral I’ve ever attended.”
I laughed. I’d laughed a lot today. “It really was funny.”
The squatters adored having a party. They inserted themselves into random conversations all over the house and front porch. It reminded me of the haunted house ride at Disney World. If only the snooty old gals knew that ghosts were sitting on their heads…
And Gram? She went nuts when Bob Barker arrived. I was worried that she’d be devastated he couldn’t see her, but she seemed fine. Her new beau, the Mayor of Squatter Town, aka Jimmy Joe Johnson, stayed glued to her side the entire afternoon. He’d only cried three times during the gathering, wh
ich was a huge improvement.
“Did everyone agree to stay?” I asked Gideon.
He nodded. “Took a little convincing for John Travolta, but I succeeded.”
“Did you call him John Travolta?”
“Was tempted, but no,” he replied. “Thought I’d save that for when everyone was present.”
“Looking forward to it,” I said, biting back a giggle.
“As am I.”
“Do you always succeed?” I questioned, waving goodbye to Gram’s favorite nurse from the home.
Glancing down at me with a sexy and very naughty expression, Gideon chuckled. “Remains to be seen. I’ve been working quite hard on the bedroom. How am I doing?”
My stomach fluttered, and I could feel the heat rise in my cheeks. “I think the bedroom will be completed very soon.”
“How soon?” he inquired with a raised brow.
“When the paint dries,” I said, lightly punching him in the arm.
I was seriously careful about playful hitting now. After the tree debacle, I was wary of my strength. I’d busted three jars of pickles opening them just yesterday. The ghosts thought it was a comedy act and went wild. I did not. Getting to the bottom of why I was turning into the She-Hulk was on my increasingly long to-do list.
“I’ll be sure to buy a few industrial fans,” he replied then changed subjects. “Where should I tell the Immortals to meet?”
“Let’s meet in the kitchen.”
“I’ll let them know,” he said, heading away toward Candy and Tim.
“Okay,” June said, looking around the living room and nodding with satisfaction. “Kitchen’s all cleaned up and it looks pretty good out here.”
“Thank you for everything,” I said, giving one of my dearest friends a hug. “Thank you from me and thank you from Gram.”
June swiped a few tears away. “I’m going to miss her so much. She was just a hoot.”
“Still am,” Gram said, floating next to June and touching her lovingly. “Sure wish June could see me.”
I nodded. The gesture was a two-fer. Commingling the living with the dead was tricky, especially when Gram was involved.
Whose Midlife Crisis Is It Anyway? : A Paranormal Women's Fiction Novel: Good To The Last Death Book Two Page 20