He shook his head. “I’m not staying. Nor are you.”
“What do you mean?”
“Get your coat, Holly. We’re going for a drive.”
Oran’s cries were growing louder. From the kitchen, I could hear Debbie and Sarah fighting over Sarah’s Frube.
“It kind of doesn’t work like that around here, Cliff.”
Susie came out into the hall.
“It does today.” She winked at Cliff. “Willie’s looking for something to do. Go on, before he changes his mind.”
“What’s going on?”
Susie grabbed my coat from where it was hanging at the bottom of the stairs and threw it at me. Cliff walked down the driveway, beckoning me to follow.
“Am I going to get blindfolded and put in the boot of the car? You do know I have no money, Cliff, right? You could have picked a better person to kidnap.”
“I’ve no blindfold, but you can put your hands on your head if it’ll make things more exciting.”
Cliff took off, making his way to the M50 and driving until we reached the exit for the N3. He drove up the N3 and took an exit for a town in County Meath.
“Isn’t this where your new housing development is?”
“Yeah. I have a quick job to do onsite before I fill you in on what’s going on.”
“At least I’ll get a look at this development at long last.”
When we arrived, it was a world away from the ramshackle houses of Blackbeg. It was a small development of six detached red brick houses, located within walking distance of the town’s recently opened train station. It reminded me of Sammy’s estate.
“Cliff, these are gorgeous! You’ll sell them no problem. There’s a shortage of good-quality detached houses in the city and the commuter belts, I’ve heard.”
“I didn’t get a chance to tell you with all that’s been going on, but they’ve all sold. Well, all but one, but I think that’ll find an owner very soon, too.”
“Good going, Cliff! That’s no mean feat when it’s so hard for people to get mortgages these days. Well done!”
“As you said, there’s a shortage of these types of houses. I hate to admit it, but the planning department knew what they were at, refusing me permission to build apartments here. There are too many apartments in this country and not enough family homes.”
“Well, the six families who end up living in these houses will be very lucky.”
“And one thing you’re due, Holly, is a bit of luck. Here . . .” He held out a key to me and pointed to a house on a right. “That one’s yours. It’s the show house.”
I stared at the key, then at Cliff.
“Go on, take it. The door won’t open itself.”
“Cliff! You can’t—”
“I can and I have. We’ll sort out the paperwork next week.”
“I can’t accept this, Cliff. You could get a few hundred thousand for a house like that.”
“I don’t need it, Holly. I’ve made a profit on this development regardless of everything that’s going on in the economy. I made plenty of money in the boom times and I used it to pay off the family home. We have more than enough. I’d have helped you out sooner, but my money was tied up until now.”
“But—”
“No. It’s non-negotiable.”
“Cliff, I don’t believe this!”
“You’re all right. Just no hugging or any of that shite, right? I’m allergic to it.” He turned round as he heard the sound of car tyres screeching into the development. “Look, here comes Mum.”
“Mum knew! No wonder she was so happy to let Willie babysit – she knew she was getting rid of us soon.”
“Yep. Looks like they’ve decided to share the kids, though. Sarah’s in the back of the car. Mum must be feeling charitable today. I offered Dad and her a house here, you know. They said no, just like they did to every other one I’ve ever offered them in my various developments.”
“I can’t say I’m surprised. They might think Blackbeg is a shithole, but it’s their shithole. That’s just the way they roll.”
“Lucky for you – do you really want them as your neighbours? I was going to put them at the other end of the estate, but Mum could be a mile away and she’d still know every detail of what you’re doing at any given time.”
“You know what, if you’d told me a few months ago that Mum and Dad would be my neighbours for the rest of my life, I’d have had a nervous breakdown. But now, it doesn’t seem like too bad a prospect. As long as she stays alive for as long as possible, that’s all that matters.”
Now that Susie was going to take the treatment, I was finding it a lot easier to get the facts about where her illness was at. Although it had spread to her abdomen, it was currently in the form of cancer cells in the lining of her abdomen and not tumours, and it hadn’t spread to her lymph nodes. She’d been told she had a one-in-five chance of surviving for at least five years with treatment.
She was starting her treatment tomorrow and while the prospect of only having her with us for another five years as a best-case scenario was terrifying, it was far preferable than only having her for six months. We’d gratefully take whatever time we could get. After that, all we could hope for was the best.
“You’ll probably miss not living with them, you know, Holly.”
“I probably will. They’ve been very good to me and Mum has helped so much with the kids.”
“Holly, get over here and get your child out of the car while I go and have a look at your new house. I can’t be doing everything for you!”
“All good things come to an end,” Cliff said with a laugh.
We moved in the next day. Over the following weeks, I watched other families filling the remaining five houses. When one of the women called at my door and said she was organising a “get to know you” barbeque in the green area between all of our houses, I found myself accepting her invitation. When I discovered that the couple next door had a three-year-old too, it seemed logical to set a play date for the children the following weekend. I might not ever have had a sense of community before, but maybe it wasn’t too late to find one.
Visitors to our new home were many and frequent. The most unexpected visitor was Luke. He landed at my door at 9.30 a.m. one sunny Monday, looking considerably less dishevelled than usual.
“Morning, Holly.” He nodded and walked straight past me into my sparkling new kitchen.
“Are you lost, Luke? It’s a Monday morning, there’s work to do . . .”
“Is there? What is it?”
“Well, I don’t know – some producing of something or other, maybe. Have you been fired or what?”
“I came to tell you that we’re commissioning a new programme about the reality of raising children in present-day Ireland and there’s a place for you on that if you want it . . . No interview required . . .”
“Oh.”
“Yes, oh. So you have another job in the pipeline if you want it.”
“I’m sorry, Luke, but I don’t. I’ve given this a lot of thought and I’ve decided to set up my own counselling business. It’s something I should have done a long time ago.”
I explained everything that had been rattling around in my head for the last while. How mad I was at myself that I’d listened to Terry about giving up work when I loved my job so much instead of trying to find a more flexible, mother-friendly solution. And how working with Moya had made me realise just how much I loved being back at work. How I had a lovely lady lined up to mind Oran and I was planning on working from my new home when Sarah was in school and Debbie was in preschool. How, ultimately, I didn’t think reality TV was for me, or me for it.
“I’m sorry, Luke. You gave me a chance at a time when nobody else would.”
“It’s fine. No hard feelings.”
“We both know Stephanie and her tits are the stars of the show, anyway.”
“They do seem to be popular, yes.”
“I’ll miss being around Eire TV, th
ough. It was a fun place to work. Even on the days when I came in and saw flowers and chocolates and boxer shorts that had been sent in for Eve and Stephanie from random admirers and there were none for me. And when the footage of them receiving their fan mail was filmed while I stood in the background like a spare tool . . . well, I enjoyed myself.”
“A lot of those boxer shorts had been worn, Holly. You were lucky.”
“I know. I do feel bad about leaving you in the lurch like this, though.”
“Do you want to go to the beach?”
“Sorry?”
“The beach. It’s a place with lots of sand and water where people go on sunny days. It’s reasonably sunny today, which is a miracle for this time of year.”
“I am familiar with the beach, yes, but—”
“Shall we go, then? You’ll need to be back here for the school pick-up in a few hours, won’t you?”
An hour later, after a fun-filled car journey during which I gave Luke an unmerciful slagging about his Mariah Carey CD, I was sitting on a tartan blanket on a north-side beach with Oran in my arms while Luke made sandcastles with Debbie a few feet away. Although Debbie was periodically throwing shovelfuls of sand into Luke’s face instead of putting them into her bucket, Luke looked like there was nowhere in the world he’d rather be.
“How do you do it?” I asked him later when we were driving back to my place.
“It?”
“Take such pleasure out of life after everything that’s happened to you? Paul told me, by the way. He said not to say I heard it from him, but after what he’s done . . .”
“I try to enjoy every moment because of what’s happened.”
“How are you not bitter?”
“What’s the point? Where will it get me? What happened happened and I can’t change it. I can’t control it. What I can control is how I choose to deal with it. I can be miserable and blame the world for shit having happened to me, or I can leave bitterness behind and concentrate on making the rest of my life as enjoyable as possible. Either way, I still have to live it. Why not live it as positively as possible?”
“Mmm. That’s an interesting perspective.”
“What’s yours?”
“My life perspective? Oh, I don’t know if I have one. Just get on with things, I suppose.”
“And how’s that working out for you?”
I shrugged. “I’m not sure. Some days I think I’m doing great, others I forcibly have to stop myself from driving to Terry’s place and butchering him with a meat cleaver.”
I thought Terry would be baying for my blood after I reported him to the police, but he accepted it. He’d said on a voicemail that he’d known it would happen as soon as Susie found out and maybe he deserved it. I didn’t know whether to believe him or whether it was just a mind game, but it didn’t matter. I didn’t care enough for it to matter. The police were currently conducting an investigation. It was in their hands now.
“Does he see the kids much?”
“Several times a week. We’ve agreed that Hayley will always have to be there when he takes the younger kids. Supervised access is a must after everything that’s happened and Hayley’s an adult now. As much as she’s still very angry with Terry, she’ll do that much for the sake of the children. I don’t see him, though. I drop the kids at Susie and Willie’s and he collects them from there.”
“From what you’ve told me about your mother, I thought he’d be at more risk of being butchered by her than by you.”
“Fingers crossed. God is good.”
Luke chuckled. “While I don’t blame you for wanting to pulverise Terry, just remember that he isn’t worth expending all that negative energy. Don’t let him make you lose your trust in people, either. You’ll meet someone else who’ll treat you the way you deserve.”
I frowned. “Let’s be realistic here, Luke. People aren’t going to be flocking to get involved with a woman with four kids – it’s too complicated. I also have to be very selective about who I can let into their lives. I’m not sure I’m even able for it now after everything that’s happened over the last few months. If I did get involved with anyone, I’d have to take it very slowly.”
And there it was. I was laying my stall out. I had no idea what was going on between Luke and me, if anything, but something had shifted since he’d told me I was special. If there was something there, I wasn’t sure if I was ready. All I knew was that I didn’t want to close the door on it, either. Suddenly, Damo’s words came to mind about how I should be open to giving someone special a chance if the situation presented itself.
“I, of all people, understand what that’s like.”
There was a tacit silence.
“Just try to let your anger at Terry go if you can,” Luke eventually said. “It’ll help, I promise you.”
“I know, but I feel like there’s no option other than anger sometimes.”
“Holly, there’s always another option. Focus on finding out what that is.”
“Thanks, Luke. I’ll bear that in mind.”
“Do. And I’ll focus on who I’m going to get to replace you in the show and how I can make it work without you. Remind me to put ‘must like horror movies’ in the criteria.”
“Don’t, unless you really don’t want to replace me at all!”
“Maybe I don’t,” Luke said.
Another silence. Silences weren’t something I knew much about having spent my whole life with either Susie or Terry, two people who always had an opinion on everything, but I knew they were never usually this loaded.
As soon as we reached our house, Luke said his goodbyes, instantly getting into his car and driving off. I went inside with the kids to drop off our beach paraphernalia before collecting Sarah, butterflies in my stomach.
Chapter 62
I almost felt sorry for Terry when he answered the door and saw me standing on his doorstep. His expression was a mixture of gratitude and hope. He ran his hands through his hair and stood up straight before smiling.
“It’s great to see you, Holly.”
His voice shook slightly. He winced after he spoke, as if bracing himself for an onslaught.
“I’d like to come in, please.”
“Oh. Of course. Come on in.”
The two-bedroomed terraced house Terry was renting had seen better days. It smelled of mould and badly needed to be redecorated. Still, it was located in a quiet cul-de-sac and had a relatively large garden. Both factors were important when the kids were spending so much time here. I walked to the kitchen and pulled out a chair at the kitchen table.
“Let me get you a can of 7 Up.”
“You have 7 Up? You don’t drink it yourself.”
“It just doesn’t seem right not to have it in the fridge, you know? It’s always been there.”
“It shouldn’t be any more, Terry.”
“I know.”
He handed me a can and a glass with ice. I accepted it and poured my drink.
“Did you get my voice messages about Brittany? She’s just someone who worked in one of the pubs for a while – there was nothing going on—”
“Yeah, I got them. It doesn’t matter, Terry. Your private life is your own business.”
“But nothing happened—”
“As I said, it really doesn’t matter.”
We sat in silence for a good five minutes. I started to enjoy it. Terry eventually cracked.
“Say it, Holly. I know you’re here to give me the biggest bollocking of my life, so just do it. I’m ready.”
My sympathy evaporated.
“I’m not here to talk about you and your behaviour, Terry. This is about me.”
He folded his arms across his chest and sat back in his chair.
“What about you?”
“I’m ready to stop letting what you’ve done destroy my future. I don’t know if I can ever fully forgive you, but I need to move on and spending my time hating you isn’t helping me to do that. We have four childr
en together – we’re tied to each other for the rest of our lives whether we want to be or not. I’m not sure how to stop despising you, but not seeing you is only building the hatred in my head.”
“So what do you suggest we do?”
“We do what every other broken-up couple who can’t stand the sight of each other tries to do. We keep things civil on the surface for the sake of the kids. You can pick them up from my place from now on, or I’ll drop them here. We pretend. That’s the most I’m prepared to offer you for now.”
He shrugged. “I suppose I’m not in a position to argue, am I?”
“Terry, there’s one other thing. I need you to let me go.”
Terry shook his head. “I’ll never give up on you, Holly.”
“Then you need to realise that you’re wasting the rest of your life. Don’t delude yourself into thinking you’ll wear me down someday. Too much has happened. You always said I never loved you enough and maybe you were right. I don’t know if I did, or if I was even capable of it when you weren’t the one I really wanted. Don’t you think you deserve more than that? You might get it from someone else. We’ve wasted enough time on each other.”
“It’s that Damo bastard, isn’t it? You’re with him now—”
“No. Damo’s moved back to Offaly. I’m not with anyone – yet. But if I do meet someone, Terry, you’ll have to accept it if we’re to keep things amicable for the sake of the kids.”
Damo had rung a few times to let me know he was getting on okay. Sammy now knew everything and he said she was being very supportive. Privately, she’d said to me that although she knew something was up with Damo, she’d been utterly shocked to discover her solid-as-a-rock big brother was struggling with alcoholism, but there was no way in hell she was going to let him go under. It was only a disease, as far as Sammy was concerned, and it was going to take more than a disease to overcome her brother. She was behind him every step of the way of his recovery. All three of us knew Damo had a long road ahead to a full recovery, but two of us knew he could do it. We just hoped he knew that himself and that we’d be there for him.
Terry sat down and put his head in his hands.
Locked Out of Heaven Page 38