Imagining it was one thing. Actually feeling his body above mine? Pinning me down?
Recipe for disaster.
I stepped from the bathroom, smiling when I noticed the tablet sized dry erase board made of clear glass sitting on the bedside table. There was a marker and a small eraser magnetically attached to each side. The geeky Sinner was always good for bringing around the best toys.
Humming idly, I made my way downstairs and into the kitchen. When I rounded the corner, Tanner was sitting at the kitchen island - blessedly clothed - with a spoon hanging from his open mouth. Rainbow colored cereal was dripping from his maw while he stared at me, splashing back into the large bowl in front of him.
The jury was out on whether this was going to be the worst thing I saw today.
“You have a stroke or something?” I headed straight for the coffee pot and poured myself a cup, already wishing I’d placed an order with Mama L. No other cup would ever measure up.
“Did you? You’re humming.”
“I hum.”
“Yeah, every blue moon and never first thing in the morning. There’s got to be something in the water.”
I turned, joining him at the island after taking a careful sip. My brain needed a punch to deal with conversation this early. “What do you mean?”
“It’s the only explanation I can think of, outside of aliens conducting experiments. Shit is just too weird lately. First, Rebel goes off the rails out of nowhere. Tex goes to hunt him down, and instead, runs across a girl he’s now married to. Rebel, cold blooded motherfucker that he is, has his sister hand delivered to Creed. And instead of doing anything Creed-like, he falls in love with her?”
“Is this going somewhere?”
“Yes, it is. If you asked me a couple years ago whether or not those two actually had beating hearts, I would’ve said no. Now one of them is a father and the other probably isn’t far behind with how he can’t keep his hands off Caitlin. I don’t know how she keeps Genesis booming like she does, considering how often he drags her off somewhere. Then there’s you.”
“Me?” I blinked, trying to follow his train of through. An impossible task if there ever was one.
Tanner slurped loudly at his cereal. “You,” he said on the tail end of a loud burp. See? Heathens. “Here you are, waist deep in some shifty shit. I expected to find you creeping around this place in the dark, sharpening your collection. Instead, you’re humming. What the fuck is going on?”
I kept my face carefully blank. Carlos didn’t want the other Sinners involved? Fine with me. I didn’t either. Especially now. They would never understand.
“You’re overthinking this.”
“Is that right?” His eyes narrowed on me and I felt a nudge of unease. Which was crazy. Muscled outlaw or not, around me, Tanner was harmless.
“We’re not getting any younger, Tan. Creed and Tex have us both beat by a few years. It makes sense that they would take a step back when the opportunity arrived.”
He didn’t look convinced. “What about you?”
“What about me?” My writing grew sloppy in time with my temper climbing. Why was he pushing this? He never pushed me on anything. “So I was humming. I found the best coffee ever yesterday. Get over it.”
“That’s all you found?”
The air raid siren on my bullshit senses started blaring and an earlier thought came back to me. I was so used to his presence I hadn’t paid it much mind. Now, the strangeness was catching up.
“What are you even doing here?”
“Tone called me.”
“He shouldn’t have.” I was going to swap out each of his precious teas for shit so sweet he would get a cavity from looking at it.
Tanner put his elbows on the counter and leaned towards me. “Look, I asked him to keep an eye out for you, alright?”
“Of course you did. Because you never know how to mind your own fucking business.”
He ran his fingers through his messy brown hair and released a deep sigh. “I didn’t come to argue with you, Sly.”
“Could’ve fooled me.”
“Look, I’m sorry okay. I asked Tone to keep me updated because you have a tendency to work yourself to the bone if no one is there to tell you to stop.” I bit my tongue, unable to dispute the claim. He grinned, knowing he was right. “I know you’ve been turning this thing over in your head at all hours without stopping for a break. So here I am. We’re gonna chill for a day and get you that break you need.”
My eyes narrowed on him, still somewhat suspicious though it was fading fast. “You’re here just to spend quality time with me then?” I raised a brow. “Careful. I might think you’re starting to go soft.”
He gave me a familiar, cheeky grin, banishing the weirdness of the moment. Already, I was questioning why I had gotten so defensive. This was Tanner after all. The same guy I could always count on to sit with me and watch reruns of old shows into the odd hours of the morning when I couldn’t sleep.
Compared to the rest of us, he was a boy scout. I wasn’t sure he would know how to scheme if an instruction book fell from the sky and into his hands.
He picked up his bowl of cereal, draining it in one go before wiping his mouth with the back of his arm. I shook my head at his antics, a small smile forming. It would do me good to hang with this crazy bastard for a bit. I was getting too caught up in Carlos way too quickly. I needed to take a step back so I could look at the situation through eyes capable of seeing more than his gorgeous smirk.
“I have to admit,” said Tanner, moving to the sink with his bowl. “You’re doing me a favor too. I was gonna pull my hair out if I didn’t get out of the clubhouse on the double.”
I hummed a questioning note as I polished off my coffee, watching the muscles in his back shift and move while he washed the few dishes I hadn’t gotten to. He chuckled mirthlessly and while I waited for his response, I tried to see him as a man and not just one of my brothers in arms.
Maybe Carlos wasn’t anything so special. Maybe I just needed a shock to my system to get things going again. Except the longer I indulged my eyes the more I realized it wasn’t working.
Despite my earlier reaction to seeing him with no shirt on, I was aware that Tanner was a really good looking guy. He had the defined jaw, the wide shoulders, the tapered waist and messy locks more than one woman had mentioned wanting to run their fingers through. Even when he turned back around towards me, head tilting as he noticed my obvious observation, I had to admit his face would look perfect on the cover of a romance novel.
And yet...
None of those features did a thing for me. My pulse wasn’t racing. There were no butterflies trying to escape my belly. No heat exploded between my thighs like a nuclear reaction. Whereas it only took one glance from Carlos to set all those feelings off in me.
When Carlos looked at me, every part of my body from the tips of my toes to the ends of my hair stood up and took notice.
“See something you like?” Tanner asked in a voice rougher than anything I had ever heard from him. When my eyes flicked up to meet his, I could’ve sworn something swam in the depths, something I thought I recognized, but he blinked and it was gone. In the span of a heartbeat, the budding tension had vanished and he was the same easygoing nerd I had been best friends with for years.
I wrinkled my nose, catching up to what he said. “First off. Ew. Don’t go there. Secondly, what’s going on back home that you had to escape from? Creed isn’t giving you a hard time, is he?”
They didn’t butt heads often, but violence would always be a last resort to Tanner where it was the first, second and third option in Creed’s wheelhouse. It wasn’t like there wasn’t a brain for tactics behind his brawn. Our club wouldn’t have become what it was otherwise. Still, he wasn’t one for peaceful resolutions either.
Tanner waved that idea away, drying his hands on a dish towel. “Creed’s fine. It’s the newest addition that’s driving me a little crazy. Lizzy and her little one g
ot released the other day, and even though Tex has spent the last several months baby proofing their own house, they’ve been spending most of their time at the club.”
I bit down on my lip as guilt gnawed at me and I thought about the text Lizzy sent. The one I had yet to respond to. The reminder of what a bad friend I was being didn’t set well on my empty stomach, but I didn’t know how to fix the situation either.
How do you go back to smiling and laughing with someone who has everything you want and will never have?
“Thanks to that,” Tanner continued, oblivious to the struggle I was hiding. “The whole place has basically been a revolving door of women who have had their maternal switch flipped by the fact that there’s a baby within a fifty mile radius. Swear to God, I don’t even remember seeing some of these chicks before. Do you have any idea how many cooing noises I’ve had to listen to?”
“You poor baby.”
“No!” He sprang forward, grabbing the board from my hands and erasing the last word before passing it back to me. I could only watch in amusement as his head vigorously shook back and forth. “Don’t even mention babies around me for at least a week. You don’t understand. Everytime I close my eyes I hear baby talk. Last night, I had nightmares of being trapped inside a daycare and at one point I’m pretty sure it rained fucking diapers.”
I snickered at his distraught expression as I stood. “Seems like you need this break more than me.”
“You might be right about that.”
“I’m going to shower and let Tone know he can take it easy for the day, then I’m all yours. Sound good?”
His expression turned oddly serious. “Sounds perfect.”
***
“Remind me why I took that last shot again?” Tanner said with a voice full of laughter, whole body shaking with the giggles he was holding onto.
No one would ever know he was drunk as a skunk except for the way he leaned on me for support. I shouldered my way into the townhouse and towards the couch in the living room, breathing hard. My back certainly knew, although it was hard to be upset. There were lots of different types of drunks. Tanner was in the easy to get along with category. When he was drunk, he was like a brown haired, bushy-tailed puppy: overly excited and full of bottomless energy.
“Hell, remind me why you let me? I’m pretty sure-” He snickered to himself, head rolling from side to side like someone had just told him the funniest joke imaginable. “I’m pretty sure you were supposed to stop me after the fifth. Or was it the sixth?”
I tried to get you to stop after the third one, you big lug. We both know you’re the biggest lightweight out of all of us, and I hardly even drink. But no. You decided to go for the third, then the fourth, and before long you were standing on top of the bar with someone else’s cowboy hat on your head and an imaginary bull between your legs. Before you ask, yes I do have photographic evidence of those events for the next time I need to blackmail a favor out of you. Because that’s what good friends do.
None of those words actually left my mouth. I articulated them as best as I could using the grunts and sighs required to get the guy laid out on the couch.
He sprawled messily over the black cushions, taking up every inch of space he could. One arm swept up, covering the top half of his face and I would’ve thought he was dead for how still he went if not for the rise and fall of his chest. I rolled my eyes, marvelling at his ability to pass out on a dime although not altogether surprised.
I wondered if he needed water? He was likely past the point where it could make a noticeable difference. Might help with the hangover he was sure to suffer from in the morning. I had turned to head towards the kitchen when Tanner caught my wrist in his hand, grip tight. I flinched, but he was too out of it to notice.
“Don’t go,” he said softly, most of his face hidden from view. My brows were bunching together when he dropped the arm concealing his features and grinned up at me. “I didn’t say we were done hanging out yet.”
I shook out of his hold gently as I could and went into the kitchen, returning with two glasses of water right as he was swinging his feet onto the floor to come after me. His smile was extra bright when I passed one glass to him. Somehow, I managed to keep my frown on the inside. The tension was back, forming a knot between my shoulders that had nothing to do with bearing his weight across the multiple blocks we had traveled.
Tanner had been weird today. Weirder than usual, at least. We’d always been close. Except over the course of the day, he had been almost...clingy. Like he thought I was going to disappear every single time I left his side. Then there were the moments he thought I wasn’t paying attention.
I would catch him from the corner of my eye, staring at me like he couldn’t figure me out. Like he wanted something from me and had no idea how to ask for it.
Trying not to let the bit of discomfort I was feeling mess up what had been an otherwise enjoyable day, I sat down beside him and pointed to the other side of the couch. He made some excuse about closeness being a cure for drunkenness and I kept my flat stare in space until he laughed and scooted over.
Of course he didn’t go to the other end, but I could deal with a couple feet separating us as I turned on the television and started browsing through channels.
A hush of silence fell over us before the first few minutes of a show about the devil spending time in Los Angeles started, and I glanced at Tanner. He wasn’t seeing anything other than the glass he was spinning around in his fingers and the knot between my shoulders grew, spreading wings which draped me in anxiety.
He sighed and took a deep breath, holding onto it long enough to make me frown. “You gonna tell me what’s going on with you, Sly?”
I turned my head fully to show he had my attention, tucking my legs beneath me. I didn’t answer. My white board was upstairs where I had left it earlier and I wasn’t sure Tanner would be able to read the words on my phone screen, given his effort towards single-handedly trying to drain an entire bar of liquor.
Plus, I had no response to give in the first place. I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about.
He sighed again, tossing his water back before he went back to staring at the now empty glass. I was sure it meant something that he wasn’t looking at me. I just didn’t know what yet.
“You’ve been...different today.”
I have?
He nodded to an answer I only asked with a tilt of my head. “It took me a while to put my finger on what I was seeing, because it wasn’t a drastic change, but it did exist.” He glanced at me then, expression unreadable. I shifted uncomfortably. “Honestly, I almost missed it because you were still so you. I kept pushing it to the back of my mind. Except it came back every time you smiled or laughed or gave me shit about spending too much time talking about graphics cards and motherboards.”
Tanner shook his head, partially losing his balance as a result. Thankfully, he was sitting down. I should’ve told him to stop rambling. He was drunk. People always said things they didn’t mean when they were drunk, and I had a feeling I wasn’t going to like whatever direction this one sided conversation was headed. There was already a pit opening up in my stomach, making me regret the chili cheese fries from earlier.
“The thing I’m having trouble reconciling is how this new you, the one I couldn’t keep my eyes off all day because you were so goddamn vibrant, fits with what I know is going on down here.”
I was slowly wrapping my head around the first part of what he was saying when the latter caught up to me. Practicing a calm I didn’t feel, I carefully set my glass down on the floor. There was something about the way he said it, and not just the words themselves. No.
The emotion behind them was what had me sitting up straight, hackles rising like a mad dog straining against the leash.
Disappointment. Condescension. Judgment.
None of the things I had ever done well with before the fire. Before the ash. They hit twice as hard coming from an unlikely source.
Tanner saw the look on my face and he grimaced, running his fingers through his hair. “That came out wrong. I'm fucking this all the way up.” I wasn't about to argue with him there. “I'm just trying to understand where your head is at. For the first time in forever, you're not walking around with the weight of the world on your shoulders and I'm trying to make sense of how you got there.”
We were past the point of me caring what he was getting at. Whatever this was, it needed to be over before he went and really pissed me off. I stood, fully intending to make myself scarce, but he caught me again, by the elbow this time. His fingers were too hot against my skin.
“You know,” he started casually, though there was nothing casual about his hard stare or his grip on my arm. The only reason I kept still was because I was fighting the desire to give him a painful reminder of what happened when I was restrained. “When I gave you the info I had on Carlos and his little operation, I figured you would put a dagger beneath his chin at the first opportunity and be done with it. You certainly weren’t supposed to cuddle up to and make out with the fucker.”
I cocked my head sideways as what he was saying registered. It took several long moments before the words started to make sense because a part of me flat out rejected the possibility. The part of me that recognized this man I loved as both a brother and a friend simply couldn’t comprehend Tanner and betrayal being in the same sentence together.
I heard him wrong, that part of me whispered desperately, trying to get through to the other part. But the other part of me was beyond listening.
White noise filled my ears, but I swore I could hear the blood superheating my veins as the rage descended. My fists clenched so tightly my bones ached. My stomach tied itself into hard loops that took my breath away, turning every exhale into a blazing furnace.
Tanner wanted to look out for me.
Fine.
He wanted to be close by in case I needed him.
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