by Fanny Finch
“Again, I think that you judge too harshly. Perhaps a grand declaration is not needed. But the idea of being honest and saying what is in your heart, that I think is important.
“All those fancy, flowery speeches? All those romantic tropes that you ridicule? They did not come from thin air. They were rooted in truth. All such works of fiction are.
“I think that if you apologize sincerely and explain how you feel then all will be forgiven. Miss Worthing is a generous soul, as we’ve both acknowledged. She’s kindhearted. She will not bear a grudge against you.”
“I think you know as well as I do that I am not the best when it comes to truly saying how I feel,” Edward replied. “When I must be clever and feign things, then yes. But when I am speaking my true opinions…you know how harsh I can become.”
“This is true. But if you truly make an effort, I think you shall pull through. Write things down beforehand, perhaps.”
The idea of taking the time to write things out properly did appeal to him. He could double-check everything to make certain that he was not giving offense or digging himself into a deeper hole than he had already.
“Perhaps you might look over whatever I write?” he asked. “In order to be certain that it is…that it will be received properly?”
“I could do that, if you so insist,” Georgiana replied.
Edward nodded. “I will not,” he said, “tell her of my feelings just yet. I need…more time to get properly acquainted with them.”
This realization was still so new to him. He could not share it with Miss Worthing. Not until he was more secure in it. Not until he could step forward with confidence and say, yes, I choose this woman. I love her.
If he could not do that in his own mind, then how could he do it with her? He would not grace her or any woman with anything less than total certainty. Especially when Miss Worthing was already doubting herself so much. He would not give her reason to doubt him.
But he could apologize for his deplorable behavior. He owed her that, if nothing else.
Edward stood up, pushing himself back from the table. “I should go and…begin work on that. Do you know when she will return?”
Georgiana graced him with a small, proud smile. “It is my understanding that she will return this afternoon in order to get ready for the ball.”
He put his hand on her shoulder, squeezing gently. “I really do not deserve you as a sister. I am not certain if I have ever expressed such a sentiment before, but it is true.”
Georgiana patted his hand. “Apologize to Miss Worthing properly and you shall be well on your way to deserving both of us.”
Edward left the dining room and headed for his office.
He had a letter to write.
Chapter 17
Maria dressed and left quite early that morning. She did not even bother with breakfast.
Instead, she went across town to one of London’s best hotels.
She went to see her father.
Maria already felt terrible for having not seen him in all of this time. He had told her not to worry about him and to focus upon finding a husband and enjoying the London season.
But he was her father. He was all the family that she had. She should have taken more time for him.
Lord Reginald’s words still rang heavy in her ears. How could she have been such a disgrace?
He must hate her now. She had destroyed any care and esteem that he had held for her.
She had only been trying to be more like the other women in order to make him happy. It had backfired horribly. Now he liked her even less than before.
Having Lord Reginald think of her as a younger sister or a friend was better than the cold dislike he must now hold for her.
It was childish, but now she wanted nothing more than to go back to who she was before. To when and where she knew who she was. When she hadn’t even had to think about who she was because it was that instinctive for her.
But she could not go back to the plantation, which was being sold. The Caribbean held nothing for her now. Although she did have the next best thing—not the place, but the person, who most felt like home to her.
Father.
She wanted to see him and curl up and be his little girl again. She had never disappointed Father. He would always love her no matter what. She felt safe with him. Herself. Without judgment or reservations.
When she was led up to his hotel room, she nearly collapsed into his arms.
“Oh, Father. How I have missed you.” Such an emotional outburst was not unusual for her. Or, well, it was now. Since Miss Reginald had trained that out of her. But with her father, she could be herself again and be as emotional as she liked.
Father hugged her back, happy and surprised to see her. “I shall have room service called up for us, my dear. It is too early for you to have eaten yet.”
Maria nodded. She was suddenly famished.
They ordered up food and Maria ate quickly, not caring if she was following her manners. She eagerly asked Father how things were going on the business front and inquired after his health.
“I am managing quite well,” he told her. Although he could not quite disguise his cough as he spoke with her.
Maria tried not to fret. It was easy to see that the climate did not agree with him. He looked paler and more wane. Thinner, as well.
“Have you been getting enough sleep?” she inquired. “Have you been following your diet? Have you gotten enough water?”
“My dear, please do not trouble yourself with me,” her father replied with fond exasperation. “I want to hear all about your lovely time. Not trouble you with my woes.”
“They are your woes and therefore they are mine,” Maria reminded him. “You are family and you know how deeply I care for you. Never hesitate to share your news or chastise me for inquiring after you. It is nothing short of my duty as your daughter.”
Her father took her hand, patting it gently. “You are always too good to me, my dear. You have been since you were a child. I know that sometimes I am too hard on you, but I do value you. You have been nothing but an angel to me all these years.”
Maria felt a swell of guilt rise in her like an ocean wave. “I fear that you should have been even harder on me than you were,” she whispered, pulling her hand away.
Father’s eyebrows rose. “Oh?” he asked, sounding mildly surprised but not upset. “And what brought on such an opinion, might I ask?”
Maria took in a deep breath, and suddenly the entire story was spilling out of her.
She told of how she had struggled with the training that Miss Reginald had given her. How backwards she had felt. As if she had been walking on her feet her whole life and was now being told to walk on her hands.
She talked about how she had been shamelessly teased. Considered to be prey or beneath everyone else’s notice. How she had struggled and managed to get on friendly terms with some people but not others.
“The men will all dance with me and are quite pleasant,” she admitted. “But none of them show me any particular favoritism. They seem to enjoy my company but not one of them seems inclined to call upon me or to take it any further than a dance.”
The one point of pleasure was speaking on the older women.
“They knew you and Mother,” she gushed. “They are most kind to me. They treat me as if I were their own child.”
But, she admitted, none of them had recommended her to any of their sons as a potential wife.
“I did not understand it,” she mourned. “I believe that they are earnest in their regard for me. The same with the men. And not all of the young ladies are awful. I have conversed with some of them and they are quite pleasant.
“I was unsure as to why they would not recommend me to their sons. But then…”
She relayed the rest of the story to her father. She even included her deplorable behavior from the night before. And how Lord Reginald had chastised her.
“I deserved every word that
he said to me,” she admitted. “I did not like it. I said many horrible and rude things back at him. Things that might be true but did not deserve to be said in that manner. I was unkind. I was angry and so I lashed out.
“But he is a good man. The best man that I know. For all he is cranky and dislikes going out and about at parties.
He has been most generous, you know. He has danced with me so that I might learn the new steps. He has never teased me or been unkind. He escorts me everywhere and takes me to the park and loves my sketches, and…”
Maria trailed off, for she feared that she had revealed too much of her heart in her words.
Her father smiled kindly—but knowingly. “It seems to me that you esteem him beyond what one normally would a friend.”
Maria could feel herself blushing. It was more prominent now that she was in England and her tan skin was growing paler. “I did not mean to,” she confessed. “It just sort of…happened.”
“As these things do.” Her father took a sip of tea, contemplating. “And now you fear that you have lost his friendship and his respect.”
“Oh, but I deserve it. I was only trying to be what I thought that he would want. A woman who is sophisticated and witty.”
“And so you tried to be like the other women and ended up going too far.”
Maria nodded.
Her father sighed, setting down his teacup. “My dear, there is nothing wrong with emulating those around you. I do not think that was the issue. Whether your young man acknowledges it or not.”
Maria felt her face heating up again. “He is not my anything, Father.”
“But he is young,” Father replied. “I think that you young people get so swept up in one another that you forget that the person you are experiencing such feelings for is young as well.”
“He is several years older than I am.”
“But he is not yet at my age, and indeed there is a great span of years between the two of us. Therefore, I have every right to call him young.” Father smiled, and she knew that while he was being forthright, he was also teasing a little.
“Now, my dear, it seems to me that this young man did not have an appreciation for what you were trying to do. It is natural that we would try to act like those around us. That is how we learn the right ways to behave, after all.
“And there is nothing wrong with wanting to be witty or sophisticated. Your mistake came in going so far that you behaved without compassion and that you betrayed your true nature.
“You must never go so far that you are no longer acting like yourself. Do you understand? There must be balance. You can mimic the traits of those around you whom you admire but not at the expense of your own character.”
Maria looked down at her empty plate, feeling ashamed. “I fear that I have failed you,” she admitted. “That I have not been the daughter that you raised. The daughter that you should be proud of.”
Father shook his head. “It would be impossible for you to go through life without making mistakes. That is not how life works. To err is human, after all, as Mr. Pope stated so eloquently.
“I think it is important to remember that you made a mistake with good intentions. You wanted to be accepted. I do not see how there is anything wrong with that.”
“I would argue to the contrary, Father, and say that they were selfish intentions. I wanted people to embrace me. And most importantly I…I wanted Lord Reginald to see that I would make a good wife. That I would be able to hold my own in society.
“That he would not have to babysit me, so to speak. Or waste his valuable networking time at a ball protecting me. That he would not have to endure people making fun of his wife. He would be sure to hear any rumors or gossip about me. Even if nobody dared to say such a thing to his face.
“I was thinking…how could I possibly be a proper wife to him if I was a source of embarrassment? I would bring him nothing but shame. And of course he would only continue to see me as nothing but a child, a ward in a manner of speaking, if I did not show him how adult and sophisticated I could be.
“And so it was for my own selfish feelings that I acted. It was not out of compassion or with the wellbeing of others in mind.”
“I think that you are right,” her father said. “But I also think that you are too hard on yourself. You saw where your weaknesses were and how you could not be the best wife for Lord Reginald. And so you sought to remedy that. That is, at least, a bit unselfish in that you were thinking about what he needed.”
He reached out and gently tucked a lock of errant hair behind her ear. “We are going to make mistakes in life. All of us. I made a dreadful mistake in not sending you to London sooner. It was selfish of me to keep you at home. Now you are ill prepared, and it is because of me.
“I could have even had you moved into town to stay with a family there and learn from a governess. But I wanted you with me. You were my pillar of strength, my dear. You were running the plantation these last few years. Not me.”
Maria opened her mouth to protest. She would not have her father putting himself down in such a fashion. She would not have wanted to be sent away. She would have protested mightily. And what father wanted to give away his only child?
“Ah,” Father said, cutting her off before she could begin. “You see what I mean? We all have moments where we behave selfishly and make mistakes. It is how we are. The mistake itself is not important. What is important is that we acknowledge it, and do what we can to make amends.
“There is a saying: no use crying over spilt milk. I think that is very wise. Why would you sit there mourning your mistake when it is so much easier for everyone if you simply clean it up? So long as you sit there and dwell on it, the mess continues.”
Maria nodded. It made sense.
Part of her, she could admit to herself, had wanted her father to tell her that she had done nothing wrong. She had wanted to be absolved of her sins, so to speak.
But she had known that she had made a dreadful mistake. Wishing would not change that. And so she was grateful that Father was being so kind and understanding about it.
“Do you think that I have lost all chance with him?” she asked. “Lord Reginald, I mean?
“I know that it is probably wrong of me to wish to marry him. I feel as if it is taking advantage of his hospitality. He has been so good to me…could it be only that I feel for him because he is the man I am close to? Because I feel as though I owe him?”
Father considered that. “It could be possible, yes. If you were a different woman. But I know your heart, Maria. You are a sensible girl. Given to flights of fancy I think but not when it comes to serious matters.
“You always dealt with the plantation well, and the workers. You settled disputes and handled the accounts. That is not the work of someone who is unable to see things how they are.
“Had I glimpsed in you some sign of too quick an attachment towards others…or had seen that you were given to misinterpreting the intentions and behavior of others…then perhaps I would caution you.
“But you have always behaved with a level head. You see the best in others and I am grateful for that, truly. But you are not one to see a spade and call it a pickaxe.”
Maria giggled a little at that. That seemed to have been her Father’s intention, for he smiled, pleased.
“I think that if you feel romantically towards the young man then that is a true feeling. It is not out of gratitude or a misunderstanding of your own heart.
“And you have danced with many other men, you say. You have not shut yourself off from the world. If another man were capable of catching your fancy then I think that he would have by now.”
“Then what do I do?” Maria asked. She could feel tears pricking at the corners of her eyes. “How do I fix this?”
“I am certain that the duke will forgive you,” Father said kindly.
“You did not hear him, Father,” Maria replied, trying to keep her voice from wavering. “He was livid. It was as th
ough I had betrayed him. And perhaps I did.
“I know that he is not fond of how most of society behaves. I know that he is often bitter about it. Especially after how his father was. And how the ladies such as Miss Hennings use their desire to marry him as an excuse to be cruel to other women.
“He must feel hurt to think that I was becoming like them. Perhaps he even felt that it was a kind of violation of his trust.”
“You will not know for certain if it’s too late unless you talk to him,” Father pointed out.
The very thought of speaking with Lord Reginald again was terrifying. How could she even begin to look him in the eye after all that she had done? And how upset he had been with her?