by Fanny Finch
But when she sat down to write the letter the next morning, she had scarcely pulled up her chair when she heard the sound of someone downstairs.
She had a caller.
Julia sighed and double-checked that she was presentable. It was most likely Miss Perry. She supposed that she ought to go down and receive the young lady or whoever else it might turn out to be. It was not her caller’s fault that she was impatient to begin this letter.
She could start writing it once the person left. Who knew? Perhaps the call would distract her from her nerves.
Mr. Norwich was not even in front of her and she found herself trembling with the anticipation. She both wanted to know immediately what he looked like when he read the letter and what he was thinking. And she also did not want to know at all.
She both knew and did not know what to say. She thought she had an idea but she kept second-guessing herself.
Was this how he had felt when he had written that first letter to her? When he had not realized that he had forgotten to put down his name? When he had no idea what her response would be?
She had not given him enough credit for his courage. Now she knew his particular fear in this situation, for she was feeling it herself. She had of course known intellectually that it must be quite frustrating upon the poor nerves to do such a thing.
But knowing intellectually and feeling it, truly experiencing it, were two very different things. As she was now realizing.
Yes, perhaps some diverting discussion with Miss Perry or someone would do her some good.
Julia came down the stairs to enter the drawing room and receive her visitor—and paused.
It was not Miss Perry. Or any other woman, for that matter.
It was Mr. Carson.
Julia almost wanted to smack herself. She had completely forgotten about him in the midst of all of her other emotional turmoil.
Now it looked as though her time was up.
She almost wished to shake him. Almost. Letting out her frustration in that way, she knew, would not do her or anyone else any good. But it was quite tempting.
She knew that it was her own folly that one night that had led him to be hopeful. But since then she had given him no sign of favor. She had taken care to stay away from him. To be too busy to dance with him at balls.
Julia could not, of course, outright deny him. Not when he had not directly asked her for any promises. And not when propriety dictated that she do him the courtesy of responding to his company.
But she had done her best to make it clear, since that night, that she was not interested. Or that she was at least not going to encourage him in any way.
It was a delicate balance that ladies had to play. They could not be outright impolite to a gentleman. That would not be proper. It was important that everyone interacted at parties and that everyone was polite and understanding towards everyone else.
However, neither should ladies encourage a man or be too friendly with him. Both for the sake of propriety and to prevent the man from retaining any false hope.
Julia had thought that her lack of interest would be enough. A lack of response, surely, would show him that she was not prepared to continue their courtship. Such as it was. Mr. Carson had been rather slow in his courtship.
Perhaps he had sensed something about her relationship with Mr. Norwich that she herself had not perceived? Julia was full of questions and thoughts and possibilities. Perhaps that was why no other man had truly approached her or tried to court her.
But in any case, Mr. Carson had not been nearly so forward as suitors generally were. Julia had seen other men courting other women many a time and Mr. Carson had been practically meek about it.
It did not suit the man, if she was being honest with herself. But it might be her saving grace if he was about to do what she suspected he had come here to do.
“Miss Weston.” Mr. Carson smiled at her. “It is a pleasure, as always, to see you. I was glad to hear that you were home. I worried that you might be out and about, making other calls.”
“No, sir,” Julia replied. “You have caught me at a fine moment. I was only writing some letters to friends. What can I do for you today? To what do I owe the pleasure of your company?”
Mr. Carson smiled at her. “Perhaps you might wish to sit down?”
“I thank you, sir, but I am fine just as I am, standing.”
He nodded, as if to himself. Then he squared his shoulders and cleared his throat. “I hope that I am not about to be too forward. But I am hopeful. I cannot deny it.
“You are a wonderful lady. I remember you as a brilliant girl when you were a child. I was your father’s pupil and I admired you as a person. However, I did not see you as a woman.
“Now I do. Having seen you again these past few months I have been struck with your grace and beauty. Almost instantly I was captivated by you.”
Julia tried to keep her face neutral yet polite. Inside, however, she was cringing.
Mr. Norwich had never loved her simply for her looks. He had always seen and appreciated her personality, her intelligence, her wit. He had always truly seen her.
How could she have not appreciated him until he was gone? She must find a way to get him back as soon as possible.
When Mr. Norwich praised her in his letters and spoke of why he loved her, he mentioned first her wit. Her knowledge. Her energy. He spoke of who she was. He loved her quirks and her sharp tongue and her flights of fancy and her overwhelming nature.
Mr. Carson was droning on about her looks. Mr. Norwich had praised her fashion sense, her hairstyle, her dancing—parts of herself over which she had control.
She could not control whether she was pretty or not. It was nice to be told that she was but truly, she did not want a husband who only cared about what she looked like on his arm as they entered a ballroom.
“You are truly the shining star of any ballroom that you enter. It is little wonder that you are so popular. I am surprised, I confess, that more men have not asked for your hand. I thought for certain that you would have turned down at least one other proposal by now.”
His words were charming but altogether too much for her. Ridiculously flattering, to the point of making her wish that she could roll her eyes and dismiss him with a wave of her hand.
“But I suppose that it shall give me the happy opportunity of being the first. I am ashamed that the men around me have not given you the proper notice that you deserve.
“But I am simultaneously grateful for it, since it means that I have a chance to ask for something. Something that, when I first saw you, I thought that I could not dare ask, for surely you must be untouchable. Out of reach.
“I confess that I am a practically minded sort of man. I have always believed that a marriage should be made up of opposites. Of two people who are different in nature so that they might balance one another out.
“You are a lively and vivacious girl. You have wit and charm in abundance. You are wonderfully romantically inclined. I believe that we would be able to make one another a marvelous match.”
At last he seemed to be wrapping up.
Julia did not wish to have to tell him her own thoughts on marriage, although she would do so if the need arose.
A balance of personalities was needed, yes. She could agree on that. But total opposites? Surely a couple also needed common interests. Points of personality upon which they could find common ground.
If there was no way in which their personalities or interests converged then what on earth should they talk about? Would they not always be at odds? Arguments were sure to result.
They had to find a way to agree on some things. To laugh about similar things. To come to an accord on important decisions.
And was he only asking her to marry him because she matched his idea of who his wife should be? Because she matched a list of criteria and not for her own sake?
It was frustrating, perhaps even angering. But mostly Julia just wanted it to be ov
er. She was already weary of him being in her house.
He was a fine man and there was nothing wrong with him. But now that she knew where her heart lay she could not find it within herself to have patience for any other man.
She knew who it was that she wanted. Who it was that her heart longed for. Why should she waste her time with anyone else?
“Miss Weston,” Mr. Carson at last began. It was the official proposal portion, thank goodness. “Would you do me the honor of accepting my hand in marriage and becoming my wife?”
Julia’s stomach twisted with nervousness.
This was the part where she had to refuse him, without offending him.
If he chose to complain about her behavior then most people would see her as being in the wrong. Society and the law were so rarely on the side of the woman. The last thing that she wanted was a scandal.
And goodness forbid that Mr. Norwich find out about this through gossip if things went south. Julia did not know exactly what his response would be but it could not possibly be anything pleasant.
Would he be angry with her if he heard? Upset? Would he think that she accepted? Would he think that she had purposefully led Mr. Carson on and condemn her? Set her aside in his heart for good?
She could not bear the thought. No, she must do this correctly, gently. That way Mr. Carson would have no need to condemn her to others and the news would never reach Mr. Norwich. Not unless it was through her own disclosure.
“Sir,” Julia began. “Sir, I am most flattered by your offer. I admit that it is rather startling and out of the blue for me to hear such a declaration. I was not aware that your feelings had become so deep and so vast.”
“I am surprised at your being surprised,” Mr. Carson replied. “I had thought that my feelings were perfectly plain.”
“They were the sort of feelings that might give a lady cause to be hopeful or speculative,” Julia replied. “But not enough to give her the solid ground of certainty.
“I do not mean to criticize you. I only wish for you to understand. I did not realize that you were quite so far gone down the path of courtship. If I had known, I should have taken greater pains to prevent any further progress.
“That is my own fault and my own folly and I do own it fully. I know that I am often harsh in my words. My wit, I fear, can be too cutting. And so I have striven to be more gentle as of late.
“This includes in regards to any particular suitors. I thought that I ought not to dash your hopes in too extreme of a manner. Instead I had hoped that my shown lack of interest would be enough to tell you of how I was feeling.”
“Yet, the other day—at dinner—”
“I told you then that I had not meant to encourage you. That I was only curious. That I enjoy searching the minds and hearts of others.
“I have been called by a dear friend a ‘little raven’. It is not because of any particular look of mine, nor because I love birds. It is because I have been noted to be too inquisitive for my own good.
“I allow my curiosity to get in the way of my sense of decorum. I will bother people, as a raven bothers other larger birds and even humans.
“That is all that I meant in my querying. I was curious about you as a person and I pushed too far. I can see that now.
“You will have to forgive me for the improper behavior which led you to believe that you had hope where there was none. I received your attentions with grace because I did not think that they were altogether as serious as they are. I thought you to be only at the beginning of considering a courtship with me.”
“I apologize, then, for not being more obvious in my affections,” Mr. Carson said, interrupting her.
Julia wanted to tell him that he ought to do her the honor of waiting for her to finish. Just as she had done for him. It was a courtesy.
But she could also understand that he was distressed. She ignored the irritation and kept her thoughts to herself. For now.
“I see now that I was a little too delicate in my approach,” Mr. Carson said. “And that in attempting to be gentle in my courtship with you I went too far in the other direction. I was timid. I can assure you that I shall not make that mistake again.”
“Sir, even if you had been not quite so timid, you would not have succeeded in your aim,” Julia replied. “All that it would have done would be to ensure that you got a more direct answer sooner for your troubles.
“I do apologize that you have now wasted some weeks on me when you might yet have found another lady who would better receive your attention. It was never my intention to lead you astray.
“I beg of you to think on me kindly and not to think too harshly of my behavior. It would have suited us both better had I paid more attention to your subtle clues. But alas, we cannot undo what has been done. You will simply have to accept my most sincere apologies instead.”
Mr. Carson looked as though he had been struck by lightning. The surprise on his face was almost comical. Had Julia not been so worried that he would give way to an outburst then she might even have been tempted to laugh.
There was a moment of silence. It was odd, how like and yet unlike it was to the silence between herself and Mr. Norwich only a couple of weeks ago. How they had stared at one another.
The both of them had been so afraid to speak. So unsure. It was both sad and amusing how two people who had known one another almost their entire lives could still become awkward and speechless around one another. If the circumstances were right.
Yet that silence was nothing compared to this. That silence had been confusion. Uncertainty.
This was as though she was standing at the executioner’s block. Waiting to see if the axe would fall or if she would be pardoned.
A bit melodramatic of her, she knew. Mr. Norwich would have laughed if he’d been there and she’d told him. And she would have told him. Because she trusted him completely, irrevocably.
Mr. Carson, however, would not be nearly so amused. And only partly because he was serving as the role of the executioner in her little metaphor. She did not think that he would have found it amusing even if she was talking about another man entirely.
She could not possibly marry a man who could not indulge or at the very least put up with her moods. Especially her little flights of fancy.
“Please do not think of me too harshly,” she begged. “I have the highest opinion of you, sir. Truly, I do. You might not believe it of me right now but I can assure you that it is so.
“It is not for any reason in particular that I must turn away your generous proposal. Other than the truth that I do not think that we would truly make one another happy.
“If I thought that we could be joined in a union that would benefit us both then I should say yes at once. But I believe that in the end, we would only end up tolerating one another. And I cannot abide that prospect. It is fair to neither you nor to me to subject ourselves to such a fate.”
Mr. Carson’s eyes narrowed. “And it is not because there is any other man in your heart?”
“My decision, and any lady’s decision, should not be because of her feelings in regards to infatuation. Affection that steals in at once because of a handsome face does not tend to last.
“A woman ought to look for a man who will take care of her. A man who has strong moral character. A man who will respect her and listen to her. It is not a decision that should be taken lightly.”
She did not take lightly her decision to write to Mr. Norwich. It was not an infatuation that she held for him. It was because of his thoughtfulness and his respect for her that she loved him. It was because he thought well of her parents and took care of her mother when he came to their house.
It was common sense and affection both, mingled, and making something stronger as a result of their combined forces.
“And so no, sir. It is not because of any other man that I have to decline your offer. It is because I know that I must seek for some sort of civil happiness with my husband. And we would not
be able to provide that for one another.”
“You and Mr. Norwich are extraordinarily close,” Mr. Carson replied. “I asked him if he had been courting you and he said that he had not. Have circumstances changed?”
“No, sir. It is not because of my relationship with any other man that I turn you away.”
Even if she had not been in love with Mr. Norwich, she would have turned him down. She had told her mother that she would not marry except for love. She had meant it then and she meant it now.
“If I may be frank as well, I rather resent the implication that I should lie to you as to my reasons why I must turn down your proposal.