They sat in silence for what seemed like a long time. She was so startled when Mia spoke, she almost jumped out of her skin.
“Thank you for today. I really enjoyed the game.”
Nikki was scared to look at Mia. Terrified she would see contempt there. Instead Nikki looked out over field and remembered the joy on Mia’s face today as she cheered on the players. The feel of Mia’s arms wrapped around her as Connie struck out the last batter. Nikki had not wanted to let her go. Of course she had known it was not the time or place.
“Thank you for helping. It would have been impossible to keep the team focused on the game without you. Madison is the heart of this team. Everyone relies on her, myself included. Monday is going to be rough. The team has worked so hard to get this far in the season and I’m not sure Connie is ready for that kind of pressure.”
The tenderness of Nikki’s words touched Mia in a way she wasn’t sure was possible anymore. Nikki had a vulnerability about her. It was the first time since they had met that she didn’t seem cocky. Mia’s feelings towards Nikki had slowly changed throughout the day. A warmth was growing in her chest that Mia failed to comprehend. She touched Nikki’s hand causing her to flinch slightly. The gesture forced Nikki’s eyes off of the fields. It was clear from her expression that Mia had surprised Nikki with the contact. Worried that Nikki might misinterpret her actions, Mia tried to explain.
“Nikki, I don’t think we…”
She couldn’t find the words to finish her sentence. She didn’t want to, not with Nikki looking at her. In this one moment Mia wanted to believe everything in Nikki’s eyes. They were telling her that everything would be alright. That Nikki could be trusted with her heart. Mia wouldn’t have to be strong anymore, she could just let go. Mia was too wrapped up in her emotions to see reason.
Nikki stared at Mia, speechless. She glimpsed the hand that was lying on top of hers. Her fingers twitched with the need to pull Mia closer. But she refused to move. Not yet. Don’t make a fool out of yourself. She is just being nice because of Madison. Nikki watched Mia’s face smooth into the sweetest smile. There was an affection visible that Nikki had never seen there before. How is it possible that she is looking at me like that?
“What is it? What are you thinking?” Nikki asked wishing she was a mind reader. She slid a little closer on the bench and turned the hand on hers over, closing her fingers around Mia’s. The sensation sent a shiver up her spine. She heard her heart pounding in her ears.
“Maybe we should…”
Her voice trailed off again, Mia didn’t know what she was trying to say anymore. Nikki was too close and Mia’s mind was blank. Should what?
“Yes?”
Nikki was staring at her. Waiting for a response. A decision to be made. Mia’s glance alternated between their intertwined hands and Nikki’s face, finally settling on her lips. Her perfectly shaped, amazingly kissable lips. Screw it. Mia practically jumped the foot between them and kissed Nikki square on the mouth. The kiss was powerful, overwhelming. Nikki had fallen back a little from the force of Mia’s body. All the hurt, misinterpretations and presumptions melted away. What was left in its place was raw want and need. It wasn’t a dream. It really was as amazing as Mia remembered. How is that possible? Mia’s hand slid up Nikki’s waist and along her ribs. Mia could hear every change in Nikki’s breathing and it only made Mia want her more. She loved the husky sound of Nikki’s moans as she cupped her small firm breast. Her fingers lingering over the nipple. It was hard before Mia even touched it.
Nikki thought she would burst when Mia began caressing her. The need so intense there was only one release. Nikki guided Mia onto her, never breaking contact. She reveled in the feel of Mia sitting astride her lap. Mia’s lips parted and allowed Nikki further access. Their mouths battling, tongues dancing. Nikki ran her hands over Mia’s hips, then up her back. Every touch urging her on. Every breath brought her to the breaking point. Her center throbbed. Heat radiated from within.
Mia couldn’t help wondering about her reaction to Nikki’s hands on her bare skin. Every little touch was driving her crazy. There was a tingling that started in her lips. A heat that was driving her insane. Suddenly, the thought of Sam’s long red nails digging in the back of Nikki’s shirt today pierced Mia’s mind. Pushing away from Nikki seemed impossible, but the image persisted. No! Go away! Nikki felt incredible beneath her and Mia wanted to know just how good the rest of her body felt. Nikki’s hands slid in the back of her shirt as her lips trailed down Mia’s neck. Oh god yes. Keep going lower. Mia’s could feel the shiver that crawled up her back, knowing where those strong hands were headed. Nikki’s hand released her bra in one quick movement causing Mia to moan. Yet Mia couldn’t stop thinking of where Nikki might have touched Sam. Does she kiss Sam the same way? Touch her as she is touching me? As hard as it was, Mia pushed Nikki away before she could bring her hands around to her breasts. Before Nikki could take her hard nipples into her mouth. Her breathing was ragged and her body shaking. She ached for Nikki’s touch. Her body screaming not to stop. It was telling her to make Nikki forget all about Sam.
Nikki kissed her again and she almost forgot where she was. Why she was fighting so hard to stop. All that mattered was the stirring between her legs and the woman under them. No!
“Stop,” Mia said pushing back from Nikki’s heaving chest.
“What’s wrong Mia?”
Nikki’s breaths were ragged and she looked confused as to what could possibly make Mia want to stop.
“We can’t.”
“You’re right, this is kind of public. All though,” Nikki had a devilish grin, “I would gain a whole new attitude towards going to work.”
“No. I mean yes it is, but that isn’t it.”
“Mia whatever it is, we can work through it.”
Nikki’s pupils were dilated and her breathing still uneven. The need in her eyes clear as the night’s sky. Mia almost lost herself in the heat of Nikki’s eyes. No. I will not be the other woman. If the roles were reversed, Mia would hate to think of the decision Sam would make. Nikki is with Sam and I’m not Sam. She knew better than to get involved with Nikki. It was a recipe for disaster from the start. Why do I always let her in?
Mia knew what she had to tell Nikki and her heart was breaking over it. Her body screamed that she was crazy for even considering it. Mia made herself move off Nikki’s lap. She clipped her bra and straightened her shirt. Breathe. You will not die if you don’t touch her again. Looking at Nikki, she didn’t believe that to be true.
“Nikki, we can’t do this. It’s not right.”
More confused than ever and her body scorching from the searing heat of Mia’s touch. Nikki’s shorts were wet, her nipples hard and she could still taste Mia’s lips. Could feel the weight of her body.
“I don’t understand. Mia, we could be so good together. Don’t you see that? Life keeps pulling us together. When you kiss me; my world gets turned upside down. How can you not feel it?”
“No. I can’t. I don’t,” Mia said refusing to look at her. Her eyes were unfocused and distant. Nikki tried to move Mia’s face with her hand, but Mia wouldn’t let her. Couldn’t let her.
“We fight all the time, agree on nothing and you’re not exactly available.”
What is that supposed to mean, not available? Like emotionally?
“Mia I know we had a rocky start, but give me a chance. Go on a date with me. One real date. I know you feel it.” Nikki took Mia’s hand and held it to her heart, “Mia I know you feel it too. I can see it when you look at me. Why are you fighting this? Fighting me?”
A tear rolled down to Mia’s jaw. Her mind screaming not to look into Nikki’s eyes. You will kiss her if you look at her, but Mia knew she had to face this head on. How could she begin to get over Nikki if she couldn’t even look her in the eyes? She slid her hand to Nikki’s cheek and then stared into the most amazing eyes she had ever seen, memorizing them. Saying a silent goodbye.
“No. You’re wrong. Friends is all we could ever be.”
Mia let her had slip away. Before getting out of the truck, with her back turned, Mia said, “I don’t need anything else to regret.”
Nikki saw the tears in Mia’s eyes. Could feel her soft hand as it slid along her cheek. She had thought Mia was going to explain. Instead she heard the most heart breaking words to ever come out of Mia’s mouth. Nikki watched Mia in slow motion as she got out the truck, crossed over to her car and drove away. What are you running from? Why won’t you let me in? This can’t be the end.
Mia cried and yelled to no one her entire ride home. You kissed her. You actually kissed her. What were you thinking? Have you completely lost your mind? You are supposed to be mad at her. Or hate her. I don’t know, but definitely not kiss her. I should at least have enough common sense not get involved with someone in a relationship. Not fall for someone that I can’t have. Wait. No. That isn’t what I meant. I can’t fall for someone, especially not for Nikki. Are you crazy? What would have happened if we didn’t stop? Like I don’t already know the answer to that. Mia knew if she had kissed Nikki any longer she would have never stopped. Couldn’t have stopped. It was too intense. They would have made love right there in the parking lot. Absolutely incredible. Mia tried to steady her shaking hands on the wheel. There was no way she would sleep now. Her mind was racing, her body was revved up and her nerves were shot. She knew it would be a long weekend with nothing to do but think of Nikki.
Chapter Thirteen
Everyday had felt excruciatingly long and gave no relief to the pain that circulated in Nikki’s chest. She slept too little and drank too much. She tried working in the yard, something that usually soothed her soul. It was no use, all she could think of was Mia. She had to continuously remind herself of what she had been working on, since her mind kept wandering. Why? Why friends? What did Mia mean they could never be more? Why did she think Nikki was “unavailable”? Mia was the one that closed herself off. Nikki asked herself a million and one questions over the course of the weekend. Unfortunately, Mia’s words did not make any more sense to her now than they had Friday night.
The sun was beating down on her as she moved stones about the yard. She was removing grass is some spots and digging holes in others. Some people meditated or did yoga to relax; Nikki landscaped and renovated. Something about swinging a sledge hammer seemed therapeutic. If only she had something to slam it against right now. She wiped the sweat from her forehead as she stopped for a drink of water. Nikki’s mind traveled back to the object of her desires again and again. She found herself wondering where Mia was and if Mia was thinking of her too. A vision crystalized in her mind. The smile she wore when no one was looking. The twinkle in her eye when she got excited. The feel of her body writhing against Nikki. What am I going to do? Why can’t I have a moment of relief? Why must you plague my mind? Nikki almost wished that she had never met Mia. That she had never moved to town. But the truth was, even with all the pain and confusion she was feeling, it was better than not feeling at all. She didn’t want to go back to feeling empty. Mia had given her something Nikki thought she would never find, her heart. If it would help, she would try to be patient and be Mia’s friend. Give her time to build trust. Nikki couldn’t foresee how she was going to be Mia’s friend. It was an impossible task. She didn’t normally want to jump her friend’s bones. How she was going to pull it off was a mystery.
Nikki was certain Mia’s feelings were somehow linked to the loss of Shantel. She didn’t know how, but she was going to find out what happened. How many Shantel’s, in or around Philadelphia, could have gotten into trouble in the last year? Should be easy. Maybe once Nikki knew what Mia was running from, she would understand this self-imposed solitary life. Somehow, she needed to learn from what haunted Mia and find a way to help her. After work, Nikki planned to search the internet, papers, and anything else that could contain the secrets to Mia’s past. In the meantime, she would find excuses to stay close to Mia. She was not going to let Mia be alone. Right, let her. As if I’m being valiant. Like I’m sacrificing anything. The truth of the matter was, she couldn’t stay away if she tried.
The halls were the same, but Mia was not. She could barely drag herself out of bed today. She laid on her back, head turned to stare at the clock. She hadn’t been sleeping well. When she did, it had been fitful, interrupted, bits and pieces that never actually amounted to any kind of rest. She had woken before the alarm and waited until she had to force her body from the empty bed. She stayed in her apartment all weekend, eating nothing but junk food. If she kept it up, she would need to buy bigger clothes. Of course if that was her biggest concern, she would not be eating so much. Mia knew from the past that while she could shut out the world, she could not shut down her own mind. She thought of the look of hurt on Nikki’s face as she pulled away. It’s not like she would be sad for long. Sam would be there to comfort her. Her mind had fabricated images of Nikki leaving the school parking lot and going to Sam. The scene played through her mind in surround sound. Mia saw Sam’s lips replacing hers, erasing the time they had shared. Sam touching Nikki in places that Mia had not had the chance to. Nikki would forget all about her and it would be like nothing had never happened. If only. She begged the images to stop. Pleaded with her mind and body to have mercy on her.
When Mia moved, she thought she could never feel anything again. Her heart had been broken and she was sure the pieces were beyond repair. Nothing could ever hurt as much as the loss of Shantel. She didn’t count on meeting Nikki or on her ability to push through every barrier as if it was nothing. Mia felt a whole new type of loss. Something she couldn’t quite put her finger on. She had never experienced the jealousy that came with uncertainty. Jealous? Who’s jealous? It’s not like I care about her or think about her all the time. I could never be so dumb. She is involved with someone else. Since when does it matter what Nikki does? You don’t need that kind of problem. Who on earth would want to get involved with Nikki anyway? No matter what she tried or how hard she fought, Mia knew it to be true. She didn’t know how to be rid of her feelings or how to hide from them. The solution seemed the same as before. This was only a temporary job. She had not accepted an offer to stay, yet, and there had been no such offer from Richard. Find a new school. Run as far as you can to wipe Nikki from your mind. The only question remained, where to run to? Mia would start her search as soon as she got home tonight.
Nikki looked forward to lunch. Today was the start of a new relationship for her and Mia. They would start building a foundation of trust. Nikki had a renewed confidence as she made her way down the halls. She couldn’t keep the image of Mia smiling from forming behind her eye lids. She saw them as they sat in her truck, holding hands. Of the look in Mia’s eyes. She felt the sensation of Mia’s lips as they kissed. The force of Mia on her lap…stop… Nothing about this line of thinking will lead to friendship. She walked through the archway to the cafeteria searching for Mia. She was seated at Nikki’s usual table talking to Sam again. What now? She didn’t want to talk to Mia in front of Sam.
“I spoke with Madison this morning. She is still getting used to the crutches, but overall seemed to be in good spirits, considering.”
Sam was smiling at Mia, “So glad that she has you to talk to about her accident.” Suddenly Sam was waving at her, “Nikki, I saved you a seat.”
Wonderful. Nikki sat down next to Sam, across from Mia.
“I was just telling Sam that Madison stopped by my office this morning. I’m going to be checking in with her now and then due to her injury. I know athletes can get depressed watching the game from the bleachers. I think it would help to keep her involved with the team. Have her go to practices and maybe keep the book during games.”
Sam abruptly got up and threw out her trash. Guess they had already spoken about it. Clearly Sam felt she didn’t have to listen again.
With a wide smile on her face Nikki replied, “That’s a great idea. I knew yo
u would have made a wonderful athletic counselor. You are always so full of amazing ideas and insights. It has been rough without you, you know. Mason is not as attuned.”
Mia stared at her like she had six heads. What did I say? Sam was back and Mia sat in silence the remainder of the period. Sam was talking with the other staff members at the table. She kept trying to bring both Nikki and Mia back into the conversation. Mia no longer seemed interested in what was going on around her. She dumped her tray just before the bell rang and was the first person out the door. Nikki immediately followed and tried to find her in the hall, but she was lost in the crowd of students. Nikki walked towards Mia’s office determined to speak with her before she could get busy.
Mia was mumbling to herself the entire way back to the office. Athletic counselor my ass! You’re the one that had me removed. Why didn’t I just tell Mason my idea? He would have been happy to pass along the message. Worst of all was watching Sam and Nikki sitting shoulder to shoulder. She knew Sam was purposely sitting with her. But why? To watch her with Nikki? Make sure nothing was going on between them. To establish clear boundaries? Or was she so oblivious she actually thought they could be friends. Mia walked into her office, closed the door and sat at her desk. Just take five minutes to calm down. You have to let it go. There is nothing you can do. Just breathe. She leaned back in the chair and closed her eyes. She counted down from ten…. deep breath…seven… let it go…three…you are calm and collected…one. Mia heard the door open and close. She lifted her head to see who would invade her space. Who was rude enough to forgo knocking? Nikki stood with her hands on her hips in front of Mia’s desk. Of course it’s Nikki. Who else would just barge in?
Trusting Again Page 11