by Nicole Dykes
He smiles like I’m clueless. “If you can escape this hell, you damn sure better.”
The rain starts to pour down, and he stands, taking my hand and pulling me up with him. My hands settle on his strong shoulders. “I’ll never leave you.”
His lips find mine, caressing them softly with his own in a sweet, yet heartbreaking kiss. His forehead rests against mine before whispering, “You already have.”
He pulls away as the rain pummels my skin, soaking me to the bone, his eyes full of a sadness I can’t handle. He takes my hand and physically tugs me out of the alley and toward the car to escape the rain.
But I don’t want to go.
I don’t want to leave us behind.
It’s been a few days since my epic meltdown in the dirty alley, and things have pretty much gone back to normal.
Well, our version of normal.
I’ve thrown myself into a project at work and have been getting home well past eight every night. Ashlyn has been cautious, but still herself around me.
I hate how vulnerable I was that night, but apparently it couldn’t be avoided. I’m so sick of pretending like I’m okay when I’m clearly not. And besides, I’m pretty sure I wasn’t fooling anyone.
I walk out to the patio and smile when I see Ashlyn sitting there with her laptop across her legs that are tucked beneath her. “Homework?”
She smiles. “Class doesn’t start until next week. I’m just brushing up on a few things.”
“That’s awesome.”
And I mean it. I never wanted her to give up on her dreams, and I know she doesn’t want to be stuck in customer service her entire life.
“Yeah, I think so.”
Her phone dings next to her, and she picks it up, reading the screen. A giddy smile forms on her face before she drops it next to her on the padded bench.
“Who’s that?”
I try to sound casual, but it definitely doesn’t come out that way. And she also fails doing the same as she shrugs her small shoulders, wearing a sexy as fuck black tank with the words “Sunshine mixed with a little Hurricane.” If that doesn’t describe her perfectly. “Just Archer.”
“You guys still talk?”
I shouldn’t be shocked. What did I think? I’d fuck her once and then she would just stay frozen in time with me for another year or two? I’ve literally offered her nothing.
“Yeah. Just texts occasionally. He had the teacher that I’m taking the course with and is preparing me.”
I nod my head, the anger and jealousy boiling in my blood, but I keep my cool. “That’s cool of him.”
“Yeah. You know, I actually think you would like him.”
What the fuck? Yeah, no way, Ash. “Sure.”
She rolls her eyes and closes her laptop. “How are you?”
You mean since I broke down like a scared little bitch? “I’m fine, Ash. Really.”
“I’m glad.” She doesn’t totally buy it. “So, I’m going out with Archer on Friday. Just wanted to give you a heads-up.”
She stands up, nervously tucking her hair behind her ear. “You’re going out on another date?”
“Well, the last one was unexpectedly cancelled.”
I step into her space, my chest against hers. “By my cock and hours of sex?”
She swallows, my words have a noticeable effect on her. “Stop.”
“Your little boyfriend cool with that fact?” I’m being a dick, but I can’t stop. “With you cancelling on him to play with me?”
“Stop being an asshole. And of course, I didn’t tell him that.”
It bugs me more that she didn’t correct the boyfriend comment. “Right. You made up some lame excuse.”
“I didn’t do anything wrong. He and I don’t have any agreement put in place.”
My hand caresses her side, under her soft tank top. “So that means we can fuck until you two have an official agreement then?”
There’s hunger in her eyes, one that says she wants me to fuck her again just as badly as I want to, but then her hand swipes mine away. “You’re being a fucking prick. Don’t treat me like a whore, one you can toss to the side when you’re done with me and then pick back up whenever you’re angry and horny.” She points to her chest. “I’m Ashlyn. I’m your best friend, and I will bleed for you. When you’re hurting so am I, but you shouldn’t want to make me.”
I swallow painfully, her words hitting me deeply.
“I’m sorry,” I croak out the words.
She grabs her phone and laptop, opening the sliding glass door and turning back to me for a second. “It’s fine. All’s forgiven.”
She walks inside the house, and I take a seat.
I can feel her slipping further and further away from me.
Garrett and I are struggling to get back to normal, but I can’t put my life on hold anymore. Even I know that.
I smile when I see Archer sitting at one of the small tables at the café. His bright smile is almost infectious, and I grin when I see his tee, reading “I don’t know why I’m out of bed.” Man, the guy is too perfect.
So why am I thinking about Garrett?
My face heats, thinking about his lips on mine.
I need to move on.
I grab my own coffee, seeing his in front of him and join him. “Hi.”
He grins. “Hey, I would have got that for ya, but wasn’t sure what to order.”
I hold the cup up. “Mocha latte.”
He nods, pointing to his head. “It’s in there now.”
I laugh at that, thinking it’s very sweet of him to file away my coffee order as I sit and join him. “Thanks for meeting me here.” He picks at the tear on the knee of his jeans nervously. “Nervous?”
Shit. He’s probably not used to my habit of asking everything on my mind. He nods. “I wasn’t sure if you were gonna show.”
“Why wouldn’t I?” Because you ditched him last time, asshole.
His laugh is easy as he takes a sip of coffee, his beautiful, white grin radiating across the table. “Oh, you know, our last date being abruptly cancelled and you insisting on meeting me here and not letting me pick you up. Which is something that goes against every instinct I have for dating by the way.”
He’s not mad. Not at all. He’s messing with me, but it’s in a light, fun way, not dark and semi-twisted like I’m used to with Garrett. “I’m sorry. I just thought this would be better.”
“You gonna tell me why?”
Somehow, I think saying because my best friend in the world, who I’ve had sex with and have an insane attraction to, seems to be having some serious jealousy issues doesn’t create the best discussion on a second date. “Nnn . . . no.” It’s a hesitant no, and he actually laughs.
“Fair enough.” But it’s not fair. Not even close.
“I’m just . . .” I sigh and take a sip of coffee. “Honestly, I’m a mess.”
He nods his head, taking another sip of coffee, calm and casual. “Look, I don’t own you. We barely know each other. I’m not going to demand an explanation for why I got a text an hour before our date with a simple ‘I have to cancel tonight’. Because it’s really none of my business at this point.” He sits the coffee down on the table and leans forward, my eyes momentarily scanning his right arm, covered in flawless, beautiful ink down to his wrist. “But I like you.” He laughs, nodding at my purple tank top with the phrase “All you need is Love and Tacos” printed on it. “I actually think we could be perfect together, but in order to figure that out, I think we’re going to have to be straight with each other.”
Wow. His brash honesty is refreshing. “I wasn’t sure if I was fully ready to move forward. I wanted to, but . . .” I struggle to find the words. “I freaked out.”
That’s the truth. I was nervous about the date and found solace in familiarity with Garrett and crossed a line. One I still don’t regret. Unless we truly can’t come back from it.
“Believe me, I get that. Moving forward is a bitch.”
>
I smile at that and nod my head as I take another sip of the hot, delicious liquid. “Have your own experience with that, I’m guessing.”
His form is still rigid as his arms rest on the table. “Look, this probably isn’t second date talk. Probably better suited for like the sixth date or hell even later, but I lost a friend.”
I gulp at his admission. Really fucking ladylike, I know. “You did?”
He nods, and I see the misery swirling in his eyes. “Not just a friend. He might as well have been my brother. We were friends in high school and then enlisted together.” His jaw ticks. “He died overseas. Right in front of me, and I couldn’t stop it. And I didn’t even get a quick good-bye. And I’m fucking terrible with good-byes, but damn I would have tried.”
I nod my head in recognition. I would have given anything for a good-bye with Paige. “I’m sorry.”
“When I got home, every day was a struggle. But I went to the PTSD counselor, which was actually a godsend. And I continue to go, but I still have bad days.”
“I lost my best friend in a car accident.” He seems surprised and maybe like he’s unsure if it’s part of my dark sense of humor. “I miss her every single day, and I can’t seem to get over the guilt of still being here when she isn’t, of enjoying life when she never had that chance.”
I watch him swallow the coffee, his jaw still tensed. “Survivor’s guilt is also a fucking bitch.”
I nod my head in agreement. “There are some days when it still doesn’t feel real. I’ll grab my phone to call her, and then reality hits me that she won’t and can’t answer.”
A small smile passes over his face. “Yeah, and then you get fucking mad at them for dying and not answering your goddamn call.”
I laugh. Actually laugh. “Yes. How twisted is that?”
“Pretty fucking twisted. But I don’t think there’s any particular formula for grief. We just deal with it the best way we can and move at our own pace.”
“I’m moving at a turtle’s pace.”
He shakes his head, finishing his coffee. “Nah. You seem to be doing just fine. And I, for one, am looking forward to the conversation on date six.”
“Me, too.” I mean it. There’s something with Archer that I’ve never felt before, an excitement I didn’t think was possible with anyone else.
When we leave and I confess that I only live a few blocks away and walked here, he insists on walking me home, which I agree to.
We talk about my class starting next week and how excited I am until we reach the front door to my house.
“Thanks for not ditching me this time.”
I don’t fight the laugh. “No problem. Maybe I won’t ditch you, let’s say . . . next Friday?”
His hand rests on my hip, and I shiver excitedly at the contact, breathing in his woodsy scent. “Sounds good. I’ll pick you up around seven?”
I nod, and his head dips down, bringing his lips to mine as they connect for a soft, sweet kiss. It’s not passionate and fiery, but it’s comforting and still exciting.
Maybe there is hope for a new beginning.
Keep your fucking cool.
My hands ball at my sides, thinking about that fucker’s lips on Ashlyn’s, his hands sliding down her back. I hear the click of the lock, and Ash walks in, clutching her chest in shock when she sees me. “Garrett?”
“Yeah, it’s me. Why the fuck are you so surprised? I do live here.”
She places her bag on a hook by the door. “I know that.” Her eyes drift to the large window overlooking our driveway. “Were you spying on me?”
“Spying? Seriously?”
“Yes, seriously.” Her finger pokes my chest as she takes a step closer to me. “Were you fucking spying on me?”
“You were sucking face with that douchebag on our front stoop. Don’t act like I fucking followed you somewhere or somehow fucked with your privacy. I live here.”
Her hand flies to her hip, and she’s flustered, far more bothered by me catching her than that lame fucking kiss. And of course, because I’m such a good friend, I point that shit out. I lean in. “Don’t you wish Mr. Perfect could get you half as worked up as I can? Two seconds of yelling at me has your panties wetter than two hours of kissing him.”
She glares at me, rolling her eyes, but I know it’s true. “Fuck. You. I’m sorry you feel threatened by him, but you had your chance.”
She starts to walk to her room, and I catch her hand, spinning her around to look at me. “What do you mean my chance? Since fucking when did I ever have a chance with you?”
“Oh please. I’m so fucking tired of the games and secrets.” She points to her chest. “If you wanted me, you could have had me. But you’re in love with a ghost, remember?”
My heart shreds as pain slices through it, and I pull her closer to me. Last thing I knew, she didn’t want to have sex again. She wanted to date Archer and take fucking film classes, but nowhere in our last conversations has she said I could have her. “That ghost was your best fucking friend in the world.”
“Yes. She was. And I miss her. Every fucking day. I wish she was here, and I feel guilty all the time, but . . .” She stops herself, and I’m dying for her to finish. She shakes her head. “No. Look, Archer is amazing. He is exactly what I need, and he’s available.”
“So, fucking settle then.”
Fuck. I’m such a fucking asshole.
She yanks her hand out of my hand. “Archer isn’t settling. He’s a step forward.”
With that dagger to the chest, she leaves.
Way to keep your cool, asshole.
I’ve endured four days of silent treatment from Ash, and I seriously can’t fucking take it anymore. I’ve also been staying at the office until godawful times of the night, trying to help the dumb fucks I work with finish the latest project.
But today, I’m home at a decent time, and I’m ready to try to work shit out with my best friend. I can’t live like this anymore, and she’s right. It’s really not fucking fair to know I can’t be enough for her and demand she not date someone who might be.
No matter how much it kills me.
I climb out of my car just in time to see Reed and Erin pull up.
What now?
They walk to me and are both smiling, so I’m assuming everything is probably okay. “What’s going on, guys?”
“Is Ash here?” I nod my head at her car parked next to mine.
“Must be. What’s up?”
Erin is grinning ear to ear as she starts toward the front door. “We have news. Come on.”
Reed pats my shoulder as we head up to the house. “We know how much you love people just popping in.”
“Only you assholes.” I open the front door. “Ash!” I do my usual holler, but no answer. Of course, we haven’t really been speaking lately, so I’m not sure she would answer anyway. “She’s probably outside.”
They agree as we all walk outside to the pool area, and I think I may actually fucking vomit at the sight in front of me. Ashlyn is in the pool, the shallow end, but she’s not alone. Why the fuck couldn’t she have been alone?
She’s pressed against the asshat from the other night, his lips on her. Her bare back is out of the water, her bathing suit top on the rock above her head. Her arms are wrapped around his neck. Her chest is pressed against him as they kiss, and this kiss is far less vanilla than the other night, until they finally fucking notice they aren’t alone.
The fucker turns so his back is on display as if to shield her from us.
That’s fucking rich. I’ve seen every fucking inch of her, asshole. Too fucking late.
Reed grabs the back of his neck. “Fuuuuckk.”
“Holy shit, Ash,” Erin interjects. “I’m so sorry. We should have called.”
The guy grabs her top and hands it to Ashlyn, who clutches her chest, accepting it and tugging it on, fastening it behind her back. “No, I’m just surprised. What are you guys doing here?”
Her eyes nev
er meet mine. He helps her out of the pool, and they grab towels. Erin laughs nervously. “Well, we went to the doctor today and wanted to share.” She nods to the guy. “Hey Archer, it’s good to see you again.”
The guy, Archer, holds his hand out and shakes hers. “It’s good to see you again, too. Although, slightly awkward.”
Erin brushes that off easily because not much flusters her. “Nah, I don’t mind one bit.”
She gives Ash a hug and whispers something in her ear, probably something that would piss me the fuck off.
Reed holds his hand out, and Archer shakes it. “Nice to meet ya, man. I’ve heard a lot about you.” Reed laughs. “And now I’ve seen a lot of you, too.”
Archer grins and seems to not be embarrassed in the slightest. “Yeah, guess it could have been worse.”
Fucker.
He holds his hand out to me, and I hesitate, meeting Ashlyn’s eyes that tell me if I don’t play fucking nice, I don’t have a chance in hell of fixing shit with her. So I reluctantly shake his hand. “Hey.”
“You must be the roommate.”
“Yup. That a problem?”
Ashlyn glares, but the guy just fucking laughs. “Not for me.”
Reed grasps my shoulder a little too tight for comfort, and I can feel the warning. “Let’s go sit down.”
We make our way to the chairs around the fire pit and sit. Reed and Erin on the bench, Ashlyn and her new fucktoy in side-by-side chairs and then me.
“So, you went to the doctor. Does that mean a sonogram?” Ashlyn asks Erin, the excitement dripping from her.
“Yes!” Erin reaches in her purse and pulls out a sonogram picture, holding it up. “And we heard the heartbeat. This kid is already so fucking cute.”
Ash takes the picture, smiling brightly and sharing it with Archer before passing it to me. “So cute.”
I look at the grainy black and white picture, unsure of what the fuck I’m looking at, but still really happy for my friends. “That’s awesome.”
I hand the picture back to Reed, who looks at it adoringly. There’s no doubt in my mind he’s gonna be the best father this kid could ask for. “It was pretty cool listening to that little heart beating.”