Standstill

by Nicole Dykes

  “Fuck!” I screech, my head tilted upward, my hands clenching at my side as my arms tighten and pull with tension. “Why? Why the hell can’t I just move on from you and all of this bullshit!”

  My head lowers, and I look at Garrett, who is now standing directly in front of me, the electricity between us so palpable I’m afraid of the shock if I move. “Because you don’t fucking want to. You tried the nice, normal bullshit thing, Ash.” He leans in, his lips leaving me in a trance. “You’re not normal. You’re different. You’re a pain in the ass and so fucking strong. And you were bored to tears.”

  “Fuck you.” Good one, Ash. More words are needed. “I was happy with him.”

  “Then why were you always thinking of me?”

  “Fuck you!” I spit it out again and mean it. “You tried every chance you could to make me think about you.” His words at my housewarming party come to mind, sending a hot flush over my entire body.

  His lips turn up into a devious smile, and he is still the most devastatingly handsome man I’ve ever seen. Maybe even more so with that grin. He knows exactly what I’m thinking. “I wasn’t wrong.”

  I fight it. “No. He was who I was thinking about when I was with him.”

  “Liar.” He doesn’t buy it for a second. His hands cup my face, and fuck me, I lean into his hold. “We need a break. A timeout.” I stare at him in confusion, tears caught in my eyes. “You need to decide if you really want me or if you just like the idea of me because I’m what you know.”

  I shake my head. “I don’t know how to determine that.”

  His Adam’s apple bobs in his throat, and I see it pains him to say it. “Take the time. Find out who you are.”

  “Are you saying you’ll just wait around for me to do that?”

  He shakes his head with the answer I knew already. “Life doesn’t ever truly stand still, Ash. Everything is constantly moving forward whether you move with it or not, but it doesn’t matter. You have to take the time to think and to find out who you are. Without me. And without Paige.”

  That brings a full-on sob from my chest, and he pulls me to him in a comforting embrace as he lets me weep in his arms.

  How do you come back from all of this? Is it even a possibility?

  “Open the door, Ash. I know you’re home.”

  I walk to the front door of my apartment, not having to look through the peephole, because Erin’s voice is coming from the other side of the door.

  I smile when I pull open the door when I see Emma and her. It’s been six weeks since that day at Garrett’s, and I’ve been avoiding everyone since then, trying to do what Garrett suggested and find who I am.

  So far, I’ve come up empty.

  “Hey, what are you guys doing?’

  She walks past me and into my apartment, placing her purse and Emma’s diaper bag on the couch before sitting down and making herself comfortable. “Six weeks is long enough without my best friend. I’m done with that shit.”

  I smile and sit in my favorite chair that rocks but doesn’t recline. “I agree.”

  “How are you? After that whole mess.”

  “I’m okay, Erin.”

  She gives me her best “stop bullshititng me” look. “No. Be real with me. How are you after that godawful party?”

  “I miss Archer, but I know he was right.” I look at the small cardboard box sitting perched on the shelf by my front door. “He hasn’t even been by to get his stuff. Clean break, I guess.”

  “Probably better that way.”

  I nod, that poor guy deserves to be far away from me and the chaos I create. The boy deserves a “I survived Ashlyn” t-shirt. “Yeah. I know he’ll be fine.”

  She shrugs. “He looked okay when I saw him at the coffee shop last week. Asked if you were okay.”

  That brings a small smile to my lips. “He did?”

  “Yup.” Emma starts to fuss, and Erin pulls a bottle from the bag, popping it into Emma’s mouth, already a pro at this mom thing. “So, go ahead. Ask me.”

  I’m not going to mess around. We both know what she means. “How’s Garrett?”

  “He’s pretty good. He comes over a lot, which is great because Emma adores him, and he hasn’t crawled back into the bottle, but he misses you.”

  “He said that?”

  She laughs and rolls her eyes at my desperate question. “You’re both being stupid. Again, said with love, but also with insane frustration that makes me want to smack the hell out of you both. This is so fucking stupid.”

  “Erin . . . He told me . . .”

  “He told you to get your shit together, which is what Reed and I have been telling you both for how long? Life is short. You two want to be together, and it’s ridiculous for you to be apart.”

  “You make is sound so damn easy.”

  “That’s because it is.” She lifts her baby and pats her back as Emma rests against her chest, letting out a small, very cute belch. “Love is the easiest thing in the world if you let it be, and you and Garrett are making it far too complicated.”

  “I feel like I’m betraying Paige. And maybe I’m not, but I don’t know.” I jump out of my chair and pace the room like a crazy person. “Because I can’t fucking talk to her.”

  “Oh, the hell you can’t. You talk to her every day.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  She nods her head sadly, cradling Emma in her arms and returning the bottle to her tiny mouth. “I do. To be 100 percent honest with you . . .” She pauses, and I can see the pain this causes her. “I’m not so sure Paige was going to go too much longer without talking to you about Garrett. I don’t know for sure, and we’ll never know, but the last conversation I had with her about it, it seemed like she was ready to face it all before she moved in with Garrett.”

  I sit on the couch next to her. “Really?”

  It’s all I have to ask. I know she isn’t making it up, but Paige never said a word to me about it. “Yes, really. Maybe I should have told you sooner, but like I said, I’m still not sure if that’s true to this day. It was a quick, vague conversation and mostly a hunch on my part. And who the hell knows what would have happened if we wouldn’t have been in that accident, but none of it matters. That’s what happened. And now, you need to live, truly live. Because whether you feel like you did or not, you and Garrett survived that crash. We all did.”

  I wipe a tear from my face and smile at Emma Paige fast asleep in her arms. “I’m afraid.”

  “I know you are. But there comes a point in life where you just have to say ‘fuck it’ and stop being so scared. You’re missing out on all the great things in life by letting fear rule you. Stop.”

  I nod, and she pulls me into a hug, the baby securely between us. “Thank you for being such a good friend.”

  “You’re not getting rid of me.”

  Thank God.

  I lay down in the lounge chair by the pool, cursing the silence, but enjoying what’s probably the last month of summer.

  My thoughts drifting where they always do.

  Ashlyn.

  I can still feel her wet tears soaking my shirt the last time I was near her. I fucking miss her. With everything inside of me, I miss her. I wanted to make her mine that day, fucking beg her to try this thing with me. But at the end of the day, I didn’t want to force her to make a decision right then and there when we were both high on adrenaline from our argument.

  I don’t want her to only want me when I’m with someone else, fueled by jealousy. And now, I understand her. She didn’t want that either.

  Christ, we’re a mess.

  Probably a hopeless mess, but it doesn’t stop me from wishing she’d come back to me. Every fucking day.

  I hear a jingle over by the metal fence and jump up, walking over to investigate and stop when I see her. If this is a dream, I’m going to be fucking pissed.

  “Ashlyn?”

  She nods her head, biting her bottom lip with her long, brown hair in its signature braid,
tossed over her shoulder. “Can I come in?”

  I open the gate and let her walk into my backyard. My first instinct is to read her black tank top “Feisty and Non-compliant.” My eyes meet hers with a smirk on my lips. “Fitting. What are you doing here?”

  Her legs cross at the ankle, and she sticks her fingers into the pockets of her jean shorts. “It’s pretty damn hot, and I don’t have a pool at my new place. Thought I could come over for a swim.”

  I notice the bright purple string from a bathing suit tied around the back of her neck. Suddenly I’m salivating for a dip in the pool, but I shake my head, gripping the back of my neck. “Ash—”

  She doesn’t let me finish. Instead she pulls her hands out of her pockets, grabbing me around my neck and pulling me into an intense kiss, one I never want to stop as our lips fuse together and her lips part to grant my tongue access. I’ve thought about kissing her every minute since the last one, and this lip-lock does not disappoint.

  My hands drop to her waist as her back presses up against the pool shed in the backyard. Her legs lift and wrap around my waist as I hold her against the wooden structure. Her hands grip my short hair and keep me fused against her, her body melding with mine.

  We need to talk.

  “I’ve missed you,” she breathes into our kiss, and God, I feel it. I feel exactly how much she missed me as her teeth nip on my bottom lip, and her tongue swirls over my own, her hands clinging onto me tightly as if I might run away.

  “I missed you so fucking much, Ash.” I stop kissing her, but I don’t pull away. Instead, I hold her up, resting my hands on her perfect, firm ass and lean my forehead against her. “Did you find your answer yet?’

  Her head shakes, not losing contact with my forehead, only brushing against it. “I don’t know who I am without you,” Her eyes meet mine as she lifts her head. “I only know I want to be with you.”

  I swallow, almost a full-on gulp at her admission. “I want that too.” There’s an unsaid “but” in my answer, and I know she hears it.

  “But you feel like it’s betraying Paige?”

  I release my hold on her and let her feet touch the ground below, cupping her face in my hands. “No. I’m tired of the fucking guilt. I loved Paige, but . . .” The words freeze in my throat, and I nearly choke on them, but I force myself to continue. “I’ve always loved you too, Ash.”

  Her eyes fill with tears, and I tighten my hold, not enough to hurt, but to keep her there. “I’ve always loved you too. I tried so damn hard to fight it.”

  I nod my head, knowing that feeling all too well. “I used to think maybe I was just a horny teenager and that it was a crush on you. That it would fade.” A tear falls and touches my thumb, and I sweep it across her cheek. “But it’s only grown stronger, and I know it’s not just a crush. It’s fucking all-consuming love.”

  Her lips tremble, and I kiss them softly before her hand lands on my wrist and she puts a little space between us. “I’m so sorry. I was such an asshole at your barbecue. Lilly wasn’t that bad.”

  I laugh at that and don’t disagree. “Yeah, that’s supposed to be my role.”

  “You aren’t still dating her right?” There’s a vulnerability there that I could fuck with, but I know now isn’t the time. See? Growth.

  “No. You pretty much chased her away at the barbecue.” Okay, maybe I’m not totally done fucking with Ash. I don’t think I ever will be. The truth is, even though I told Ashlyn I wasn’t waiting around for her, that was a total lie. I only wanted her.

  And I’m not letting her go this time. She wants to be with me, I’m good with that. Enough overthinking.

  “Good.” She rolls her eyes at me and huffs. “I was jealous. Insanely jealous.”

  My forehead rests against hers again. “Yeah, I know that feeling really fucking well. I wanted so badly to let you be happy because I never thought I could be that for you.”

  “You’re everything to me.” Her eyes are so fucking beautiful as they meet mine. “Everything.”

  “I love you, Ashlyn.”

  “I love you, Garrett Burke.” She lifts her shirt over her head. I smile, more than fine with fucking in broad daylight, but then she slips out of her shorts too, showing her sexy purple bikini and taking my hand and tugging me toward the pool. “And I’ve really missed this pool.”

  She jumps in, and I tug my shirt over my head, following after her. When I find her, her hands grip my shoulders and her legs wrap around my waist. “I’m glad you came back to me.”

  She shakes her head, her lips nearing mine. “I never left.”

  We’ve changed a lot over the years, but she’s right. Everything led us right here to each other.

  “Garrett! God yes, don’t stop.” My fingers grasp his hair tightly as his tongue flicks relentlessly over my throbbing clit. My back arches off the kitchen floor, pushing my breasts up. His right hand snakes up, his fingers pinching my nipple and sending me over the edge as wave after wave of pleasure soars through my body. “Holy shit.”

  The fingers of his other hand work inside me as my thighs squeeze his head. I feel the euphoria bubbling up and tingling through me.

  His lips kiss over my hips and then my breasts before he settles between my legs. “You were definitely thinking about only me as you came.”

  I shake my head at his cocky statement, reminding me of what he said at that party not so long ago but feeling like a lifetime has passed. “I don’t know. There was a super-hot delivery guy who stopped by yesterday.”

  He pushes into me, and I gasp, leaving him with an arrogant, satisfied grin. “Just admit it, Ash. All your orgasms belong to me.”

  My fingers dig into the flesh of his ass, guiding him deeper inside me as my legs part, and I enjoy every second against the hard tile floor of the kitchen. “Most.”

  He kisses my neck, and I smile, feeling the buildup of another orgasm. “All. Every single one of them.”

  His thrusts are deep and slow, hitting the spot inside me that makes me see stars, and I don’t even have the strength to argue.

  Every part of me belongs to him.

  “I fucking love you,” he says slamming into me as his head dips down to take one of my extra sensitive nipples in his mouth, applying the perfect amount of pressure to send me over the edge with him.

  Seven months of not being numb and enjoying every second of each other. Of course, we fight here and there. He still loves to give me shit and vice versa, but the thing is, we’re together. No matter what. We’re firmly committed, and that’s all that truly matters at the end of the day.

  No more drifting through life. We’re finally living again.

  He rolls so his back is on the floor too and tucks me into his arm, his fingers brushing over the pink scar on my side. And my finger brushes over the scar on his arm.

  The scars that make up our story.

  I stare up at the ceiling of the kitchen in our home . . . I officially moved back in a few months ago. My thoughts drift to Paige. Lying naked in Garrett’s arms now doesn’t feel like I’m lying with her boyfriend, but instead, my own.

  “Do you really think Paige would be okay with us being together?”

  Garrett takes in a deep breath and looks up with me. “I don’t know. I can’t worry about that.” He turns to look at me, his hand directing my chin to look him in the eyes. “I do know that you’re my whole world.” His lips press a kiss to my nose. “You’re my fate. We’re supposed to be here right now.” His mouth leaves a soft kiss on mine. “Forever.”

  “I love you so damn much.”

  “I’ll always love you.” There’s a promise in his words, and I feel it profoundly. I see only love in his eyes. No regret.

  I have to ask. “What made you change? Really get your shit together?”

  He shrugs. “Emma.” I nod my head. That was around the time he began to truly change. “I knew that being named after Paige, she would someday ask about her. I wanted to be able to look her in the eyes and talk ea
sily about Paige, not turn into a guilt-ridden mess. And in order to do that, I had to start actually trying.”

  I nod my head, listening to his words and fully understanding them. “There was something about Paige. I always wanted her to be proud of me.”

  “Yeah, she was a person who inspired others to strive to meet their goals and be better people.”

  “That’s for damn sure.” I kiss his nose. “And somehow she’s still doing that.” I smile fondly, thinking about Paige. She’s not some dirty little secret that we all shut up about now. We talk about her often. And every time Titanic comes on, I watch it. Sometimes I force Garrett to watch too, you know, for old time’s sake. The guilt is fleeting, and we’ve come to a full acceptance that, for whatever reason, she’s gone and would want us to be happy. But she will never be forgotten.

  He agrees with that, but there’s less sorrow in those beautiful eyes of his. These days, it’s replaced with a happiness I wasn’t sure I’d ever see in them again.

  “We should probably get back to the waffles.” I look up at the mess on the counter. This all started with me innocently making breakfast before a lazy Saturday at home.

  He shrugs. “Your waffles aren’t that great.”

  I smack his bare chest playfully. “You love my waffles.”

  He drags me to lay on his chest. “No, I love you. You’re confused.”

  I laugh at that and rest my head in the crevice of his neck. “Asshole.”

  “Always.” He kisses the top of my head. “But I guess we should eat. I have some sketches I want to get done.”

  I smile at that, happily climbing off of him so we can both stand and get dressed. He still works as an art director and has managed to find some joy in it, but he’s also found freelance work illustrating children’s books.

  And I’m well on my way to finishing my degree at the art school. Both of us finally having everything we ever dreamed of.

  He was right when he said that the world never truly stops for anyone. We were slowly drifting toward our dreams at our own pace all along.