“Yeah, she’s gonna call him today. Said she wants to talk it out with her mother first. I told her I support her decision to meet him and see what’s what. She won’t let me go, but maybe it’s a woman thing. You know, they don’t like to be controlled, and she never had a father. Can you imagine if she had Pop for a father?”
Rob almost spits his coffee. “She’d bust an artery. Ma is hounding me to bring Diamond and Ruby around to meet them. I guess I’ll do it soon. What’s the harm, right? Ma will be proud if she thinks I’m doin’ something right, and Pop will just stare at Diamond’s tits all day.”
“A perfect family Sunday dinner. Bianca and I can be there, so she can balance out Diamond’s charms with her bitchiness. Don’t want Pop to have heart failure.”
We continue to shoot the shit on the way to our first stop. This time of year it can get hot in the afternoons, and people start flipping out if their A/C isn’t working. Some people call us for routine maintenance to make sure they’re set for the whole year. We offer discounted packages that include that service, so we always get repeat business. And lots of referrals. Our customers love us.
It’s too bad Bianca thinks I’m a moron who kills zombies and bangs on drums, because if she does go into business I could help her out. Her mother isn’t the only successful business person in our house.
When she sees what the fruits of my labor have allowed me to buy, maybe she’ll change her tune. And I’ll get some damn appreciation.
“I’m mostly tired of being told I don’t do anything around the house. We live in the city so there’s no yard work. Sharon gets some wimpy looking dude to work on her flowers. Whatever, like I’m a florist?”
Rob laughs. He gets me.
“You’re gettin’ me, right? And with Mick they barely let me do anything. I wish they would both go on a trip, and let me spend some time alone with my son. I think I’m gonna start bringing him to band practice in another year or so. Maybe sooner if Claire doesn’t mind keeping an eye on him. She’s already got her two—what’s one more?”
“Yeah, and Diamond and Ruby can come over, and we can listen for a cat fight.”
Rob finds humor in Claire’s dislike of Diamond. I usually don’t say anything. Diamond did a shitty and manipulative thing to my buddy, never mind Claire. I’m all for forgiveness and let’s all hold hands and all that shit, but really—how would he feel if Claire left her panties…never mind, Claire would never do that. But it would be fucking hilarious.
“And the cooking—they run a catering business! Seriously, do I ask them to crawl under the house or climb on the roof? I know how to fix every damn thing in that house. They don’t even kill a bug!”
“Easy, bro. It’s too early for all this anger.” Rob smirks, but he’s right.
“I know, my chi is all out of alignment.”
We crack up at that new age bullshit. Zoe was trying to get us to work on our crackers or something. Wait, I think it’s chakras. I don’t even know what that is. Sounds made up.
I pull the van into the neighborhood for our first stop. This is an old lady who worries about her house getting too hot, and wants us to check to make sure she’s good to go for the warmer months to come. Now that’s a smart old chick.
I park the van and pop the doors.
“I’ll tell you one thing. I shouldn’t even worry about Birdie’s plans, because she never sticks with anything. Remember when she went to that Mary Kay meeting?”
“Yeah, it was a bunch of old, uptight bitches and they stared at her tattoos all day.”
“Exactly! Now she wants to try to get their business without even selling a product? Then there was the time she wanted to do fashion design and spent all that money on fabric and glittery shit. Thank God her mother stopped her from taking out a huge loan to go to fashion school.”
“Didn’t she try to get her bartending license, too?”
Rob grabs the clipboard with the paperwork for Mrs. Rathburn and slams the van door. We always come back to get our tools and equipment after we talk to the customer. It’s good business to schmooze a little.
“Yeah, she figured she was good at drinking so she should make drinks and get paid. She would have gotten great tips. You’re not the only one with a hot girlfriend. Mine has unfortunately gone cold, but only with me.”
I slam the driver’s side door and we start to walk up the long driveway.
Rob says “Hey, is she ever gonna to come to our shows? Even Claire’s been coming, and she’s got two babies.”
“I know, I need to tell her I want her there. Women eat that shit up. Now we have to turn on the charm for our women customers today. And Bianca wonders why we kill zombies to blow off steam? They can’t talk.”
I ring the doorbell and Rob says, “Hey, when are you gonna tell Claire that Tatiana has been babysitting Mick?”
He’s already laughing and I reply, “I was hoping to keep that under wraps as long as possible. Their Russian nanny was fired for a good reason. Claire is pissed enough about Diamond. You want me to tell her we hired the other woman who was trying to get her husband into bed?”
I resist the urge to peek in the window to see if this old broad is comin’ to the door or not. I always schedule the old customers early in the day because they wake up when it’s still dark out.
Rob shakes his head and says, “Please, let me be there when you tell her.”
My brother is the biggest fucking troublemak…
“Well. Good morning, Mrs. Rathburn. How are you on this fine Monday?”
Bianca
“I am not that hard to please!”
My mother and I are trying to go over the menu for an upcoming wedding reception, and I keep discovering more and more messes that my boyfriend has left behind.
“Look at this kitchen, Mom? Coffee grounds on the counter, dirty dishes on the counter, not even in the sink. And what the hell is in Phoebe’s mouth? Oh my God, his dirty socks are under the kitchen table. Give me that, Phoebe!”
I wrestle the wet sock out of her little jaws and pat her on the head. It isn’t her fault I live with a man-pig.
“Honey, don’t get so worked up. At least it isn’t his underwear. Now, come over here and sit down. We need to stay focused on this menu. The guests at this wedding have so many food restrictions—we have the gluten-free people, the nut allergy people, the vegetarians, the vegans, and we even have various religious restrictions. I am waiting for someone to tell me they can’t eat food at all, and they need dissolving nutrition pellets in their drinks or an IV bag.”
My mother is sitting at the dining room table, where she has recipes spilling out of folders.
“Sorry, Mom, he just pisses me off. I know he works hard all day, but he thinks I sleep and do nothing until I serve people at our events. I am not just a waitress—I really help you with the business. Do you know what he asked me last night?”
My mother sighs audibly. I know she’s tired of hearing about Max, but if a girl can’t talk to her mother…
She lowers her reading glasses, which she has recently started wearing at forty-two. “What did he say?”
“He said that he doesn’t understand why Mick needs to go to Claire’s house half days when I only work on the weekends. Does he think elves put these events together?”
“Bianca, he thinks throwing a party is buying an extra case of beer and charging his PS4 controllers. He doesn’t understand what we do. You don’t understand what he does, either.”
She gets up to refill her coffee, gesturing to ask if I want a refill. I nod my head yes, of course. Why not get even more wired?
“He said I better make enough money if I take this new job, because now we’ll need Claire’s mom to watch Mick all day.”
Mom sits down and takes the cellophane wrapping off a plate of cinnamon streusel muffins. It’s a wonder we don’t weigh a million pounds between us, but we have to sample the goods, right?
“Well, you will need all-day care. I’ve been mean
ing to ask you about that. Are you sure you want Claire’s mother watching him all day? She has Claire’s two little ones, and isn’t she watching Diamond’s toddler while she flashes her…I mean waitresses at Hooters.”
Mom also likes to get in on the Diamond bashing action, but I can hardly blame her. When they met, she told my mom that she has so few wrinkles for a woman in her fifties.
Diamond’s lucky she still has her teeth.
“I know, it is a lot for her.”
Claire’s parents have recently moved to the Richmond area, and her mother has started babysitting the kids at Claire’s house. The McDonald’s bought a huge place, but they all agreed that the daycare operation should be run at the Harmon home, where the kids, dogs and all of their associated stuff reside.
“Tatiana could probably watch Mick full time here, or maybe even at her sister’s house. Don’t they have a little one over there, too?”
Tatiana is the sister of the wife of Claire’s ex-husband, Ron. I know, it’s confusing to me, too. Ron and Natasha welcomed Tatiana from Russia last year, and immediately pawned her off on Claire and Brandon as a nanny, even though they have a preschooler named Galina. Natasha is a stay-at-home mom, so they didn’t need the help and Tatiana needed a job.
When it became apparent that Tatiana was looking to get her paws on Brandon, Claire’s mother fired her after witnessing her walking around naked while Claire was away on business.
You can’t make this stuff up.
However, she’s a good nanny and Mick used to spend a fair amount of time over there anyway, playing with Claire and Brandon’s son, Aidan. Mick loves her and she is also working on improving her English.
Claire doesn’t know that she’s been babysitting Mick, but I am not the least bit worried about Max and the nanny. That is one area where I trust Max completely —he’s not a cheater.
“They do have a little one, but I don’t think Natasha and Ron want to open up a daycare at their place. They seem to want to get Tatiana out into the world. Apparently Natasha was afraid of her hitting on Ron, too.”
Why can’t everyone find their own men?
“I think Claire’s mom should consider bringing in a helper. Maybe at least part of the day. Hey, maybe—”
“No way, Mom. Claire nor her mother will allow Tatiana back in that house. She was parading around topless and trying to serve Brandon breakfast in bed in her bra and panties!”
“Yeah, I know, but she’s not doing that crap here. Either she’s learned her lesson or she needed more supervision. I wouldn’t cross Claire’s mother.”
We laugh about Claire’s mom, and how tough the old lady can be when she needs to defend her children. I’m trying my best to concentrate on the wedding menu, and I nod at my mom’s suggestions.
But all I can think of is the voice mail I need to return.
Eric Kimball sounds intelligent and charming. I bet he doesn’t leave his socks under the kitchen table like a big slob.
CHAPTER FIVE
Max
“Okay, thank you, Mrs. Rathburn. Everything seems to be in order. Your air conditioning should be cool and comfortable all summer, but please don’t hesitate to call if you have any problems. Remember we have someone on call 24/7.”
“Thank you, Max. And…Rob.”
She giggles at Rob, for some reason. He’s definitely not cute and cuddly.
“You know, older people like myself have to be careful in the summer months here in Virginia. There are many deaths associated with heat in the elderly. I would hate for my children to come over and find me dead and puckered, with my tongue hanging out.”
Rob coughs to suppress his laughter as I subtly elbow him in the ribs.
“Absolutely. We want you to be safe. Remember, call us anytime.”
“Later, Mrs. R.” Rob turns to walk back to the van, and is on the receiving end of weirder smiling.
As I turn to join him, I feel my customer’s bony hand on my sleeve.
“Yes, was there something else?” I smile and hope I can make my escape soon. Sometimes it pays to be the silent one.
Mrs. Rathburn looks towards Rob with a grin and grows more serious, facing me.
“I saw a picture on America’s Most Wanted that looked just like Rob. Now, I know it’s not him. This fella was in Colorado. Or Florida. Anyway, I am wondering if Rob has ever been to prison. He has that jailbird glare, if you know what I mean? But he’s a lovely boy, and if he has, I’m sure he’s paid his debt to society and you’re a good brother—”
“Ma’am, my brother has never been to prison. I assure you, it’s all an image.”
I lean in closer in a conspiratorial way that I know she will eat up.
“He looks like that because a lot of women like it…if you know what I mean?” I raise my eyebrows and she blushes, putting her hand up to her face.
“Oh my, yes. I can see it. In my day, there was a young man who delivered appliances in the neighborhood, and he looked just like that.”
Her faraway look makes me think she’s remembering her own days of animal attraction, and that’s my cue to leave.
“That’s great, Ma’am. Enjoy your nice, cool home.”
I walk back to the van and wait until I get inside to crack up openly, and shake my head as I back out of her driveway.
“These old ladies kill me.”
“What was that all about?”
I can’t stop laughing as I tell Rob that Granny has the hots for him.
“Apparently she has a thing for bad boys.”
Rob punches my arm and I tell him to quit it. The last thing we need is to crash the damn work van.
“Hey, we’re a team. I’m good at schmoozing the old ladies and you work your charm on all of them.”
“You know, we don’t look that different. Why am I the thug fantasy guy? You don’t exactly resemble Prince Charming or a scrawny nerd.”
Bianca has explained this to me many times. She says that while I am a huge, muscular guy, my attitude is friendlier. More open. I smile, which Rob hasn’t learned to do. She said Rob smolders, and that makes some women walk on the other side of the sidewalk if they see him coming, and it makes others unbutton their tops and lick their lips.
I don’t give a shit, as long as it’s all good for business.
Bianca
“Look what Grandma has, Mick?”
I hold my little boy’s hand and lead him to the table to see the cute cookies my mom whipped up while I was picking him up at Claire’s house.
He reaches for a decorated treat with his chubby hands. “Bun, Mama!”
“Yes, that’s a bunny.”
Mick is obsessed with bunnies since Easter time, so my mother is keeping the theme going.
“Speaking of bunnies…” My mother pauses as she takes more food out of the oven. “…make sure you try this cake after it cools. I am thinking of adding it as a secondary dessert this weekend for the gluten free guests. Oh, so bunnies…my mother called—”
“Grandma Valerie called? I thought she and Arthur were in Venice? Or was it Athens?”
“They were, but Arthur got bored so they came home to Florida. Can you imagine getting bored on a European vacation? Why can’t I find a boyfriend like that?”
Mom sits Mick on her lap and feeds a tiny piece of cheese to Phoebe, who is attempting to crawl up her leg to get to Mick’s cookie.
“I don’t think you’d want an old guy with fake teeth and a toupee, no matter how much money he has.”
We both laugh because Grandma’s boyfriend is actually a good looking older man.
“So what did she say? Is she sending Mick more loot? What does this have to do with bunnies?”
Like Claire’s mother, my grandmother sends my son every toy imaginable.
And for some reason, she loves Max. He gets more from her for Christmas than I do. I think she just loves men in general. Except Grandpa, of course. She did not love him.
“Oh, nothing. She said it’s a belated Ea
ster visit. She’s coming on Sunday. It’s one of the few days I don’t have any events scheduled. You know, I was thinking. I feel terrible that Violet and I haven’t recommended you as a makeup artist to any of our brides.”
I hand Mick his sippy cup full of milk and say, “Mom, it’s okay. I haven’t exactly been proactive about it.”
Maybe Max is slightly right about my tendency to give up on things, but I would sooner spoon out my eyeballs than tell him that.
“Well, now you need to be proactive. It’s exciting. Mick and I are going to talk about his morning with his little friends while you call Eric back.”
“Yes, Mom. I’ll go do it right now.”
I kiss Mick on the head and take my phone into my bedroom.
This room is all wrong for us. I love my mother, but her style of decorating is not mine. It’s too formal and fancy. We sleep in a four poster bed. And it’s an antique.
It’s not easy for a man Max’s size to have sex in a bed that may hit the floor any second. We have stifled giggles on many occasions talking about how we’re going to sail downstairs and end up naked in the kitchen.
I turn my phone’s display on and search for Eric’s number. While I scroll through my contacts, I ponder my situation.
Max and I need to figure out how to be happy soon. Maybe I should start going to shows again. We have a reliable babysitter. But I don’t even know what my schedule will be like if I take this job, or accept this deal, or whatever the hell this is all about.
I keep thinking we need to try to get back to the way things were before Mick was born, but I think I have selective memory there. All we did was fight and breakup. It could be that we are too volatile as a couple to make it. Too different. Or maybe too much the same? I don’t know if it’s worth it to stay with him so my son has a father in his home.
But I do love the big dope.
I chastise myself for letting my internal demons push and pull me again. When Max comes home tonight we are going to have a real heart to heart about this relationship. I adore my son, but it isn’t going to help him growing up in a household with parents who grow further and further apart.
Accidental Makeovers Page 4