Tightening his arm, Carey whispered, “Of course we can.”
They swayed together in silence for a while, until Jase sighed and backed toward a padded chaise lounge. He sank onto it and pulled Carey down between his legs, and Carey smiled to himself as Jase tucked the blanket carefully around them both.
“You comfy?”
Carey let his head drop back onto his shoulder. “Comfy and toasty.” He wrinkled his nose, saying teasingly, “Probably gonna get a contact high, though. Whew.”
“Sorry.” Jase kissed his cheek, his lips lingering, full and warm. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“Mmm. I wish you’d woken me earlier.”
“Why?”
Carey toyed with Jase’s fingers, which were linked loosely around his waist. “So I could be with you. So we could talk.”
“Eh. You looked so peaceful, so cute, with your mouth open, snoring away.” Jase buried his face in Carey’s neck, his stubble rasping against the sensitive skin. “I wouldn’t have had the heart to wake you.”
Accepting the deflection for what it was, Carey tilted his head farther to the side, letting out a tiny groan at the scrape of Jase’s teeth. “I’m always here if you wanna talk, though,” he said breathlessly.
“Talking won’t—” Jase planted a kiss behind his ear. “—change the past, now, will it?”
“No, but it can take some of its power away.” Carey squeezed his fingers gently. “Believe me, I know.”
Resting his chin on Carey’s shoulder, Jase was quiet. “Yeah, I guess you probably do,” he said at last. Another pause. “I saw you talking to that guy at the pool earlier. What did he say?”
“Who?” Carey cast his mind back, then shrugged. “Oh, just the typical stuff. He asked me what happened to my leg. When I told him, he pitied me and then thanked me for my service.”
Jase let out a snort. “I hate when people do that, thank me for doing the job I signed up to do.”
Shrugging again, Carey ran his palms up and down Jase’s forearms. “I don’t mind that part of it, not really. It’s a job they wouldn’t do, so they’re thanking me for doing it instead of them having to.”
“I guess.” Jase’s voice was quiet, but Carey could feel him tense. “Do you think they’d thank us if they knew what—” He broke off. “Aww, fuck it.” Biting down on Carey’s neck again, he growled. “Why am I wasting time thinking about that shit when I have such a sexy man in my arms?”
Sliding his hand down Carey’s abs and into his shorts, Jase cupped him in his warm palm, fondling him gently.
“Jase,” Carey gasped, all the blood in his veins abruptly rushing south, his balls tightening, cock swelling. “I—we—”
“I don’t want to talk anymore. Talking’s overrated.”
His body clamoring, Carey tried to focus, but Jase’s thumb was rubbing maddening circles around the head of his dick.
Helplessly turning his head, he met Jase’s mouth, his wicked lips and tongue driving the last vestiges of rational thought from Carey’s mind. “Let’s go inside,” he panted.
“Uh-uh.” Jase’s free hand smoothed up Carey’s chest, one fingernail flicking a nipple to hardness. “Right here.”
Carey’s fingers dug into the arms of the chaise as his world narrowed down to a mindless need for release. He arched his back, his cries muffled by Jase’s mouth as his talented hands drove him higher, and higher, until Carey exploded in a hot, wrenching pleasure that left him limp and drained.
Sprawling bonelessly, he let out a weak groan when Jase lifted his slick fingers to his mouth and slowly, sensually, licked them clean. Then he feathered a kiss over Carey’s lips, leaving behind a salty tang that made his spent cock give one last twitch.
“You’re killing me,” Carey gasped, aware of the hard ridge pressing into the small of his back. Squeezing Jase’s thigh, he whispered, “What can I—”
“Nothing,” Jase interrupted, his voice rough. “I don’t need anything, baby. Just let me hold you, okay?”
Too sated, and suddenly too exhausted, to protest, Carey relaxed back against him, cocooned in warmth. They drifted in silence, Jase’s erection gradually subsiding, his sigh long and heartfelt as he rested his cheek against Carey’s hair.
Carey closed his eyes, and before he slid into sleep, he thought: I wish you’d trust me, Jase. If only you’d trust me as much as you desire me.
If only you’d let me cherish you, too.
Fourteen
“How do you think it’s going?”
Layla’s nails dug into Carey’s forearm.
“I don’t know.” Glancing at the men grouped around Jase’s Mac, he said drily, “At least Wellman hasn’t left yet, right?”
“Look! He’s tapping his toes,” she hissed, her nails digging deeper. “Does that mean he likes the demo?”
As if he’d heard her, Quinn glanced almost pleadingly at Carey, his expression saying, “Get her out of here. Please.”
With a low chuckle, Carey detached her fingers from his arm. “Go for a walk with me?” Seeing she was about to refuse, he lied, “My leg is hurting a little. I should stretch it.”
She immediately leapt to her feet. “Sure, hon. Let’s go.”
Once outside, she said ruefully, “I was freaking out, wasn’t I?”
Carey chuckled. “Just a bit.”
“Do you blame me? This could be the start of something huge.” She threaded her arm through his and they started ambling along the sidewalk toward a fountain gurgling in the center of the unassuming office park. “So. How was Santa Monica?”
He willed himself not to turn red. “Fine,” he mumbled. “The day at the beach was a lot of fun.”
She peered up at him, one eyebrow raised. “Hmm. By that interesting bruise on your neck, I’d say the night was pretty fun, too.”
His fingers flew up to probe the sore spot just under his left ear, and he could feel himself losing the battle with his blush. Layla squeezed his arm, forestalling his stammered response. “Sorry, sweetie. I don’t mean to be nosy, but I really can’t help it.”
She sounded so not repentant that he chuckled. “It’s okay.”
“Does that mean you two are, uh, together now?” she asked carefully. “Or is this just for fun?”
When he didn’t answer, she went on, “No judgment either way.”
They’d reached the fountain by then, and by silent agreement they perched on the edge of it. Layla dabbled her fingers in the water while he fished a quarter out of his pocket and tossed it in. “I’m not sure,” he finally said. “It’s all so new.”
“Tell me about it.” She flicked a few droplets of water at him. “I didn’t even know you were bi.”
At that, he let out a snort. “That part snuck up on me fairly recently, too.”
“How recently?”
“Um, a few days ago?”
They shared a soft chuckle.
“I’ve known longer than that,” he admitted. “I mean, looking back, the eagerness to be around him, to talk to him, the few extra butterflies in my stomach whenever I thought of him.” He paused. “That night on the couch…”
“Do you love him?”
Tilting his head back toward the sky, Carey let the truth of it settle deep in his chest. “Yeah. I do.”
Layla caught her breath. “That’s great!”
“Is it?”
She gaped at him. “Isn’t it?”
Standing, he stuffed his hands in his pockets. “Think about it. What kind of future do we have? I mean, I live in Colorado and he lives here. Jase isn’t cut out for a long-distance relationship, you know that.”
She deflated a bit. “No, you’re right. When he goes in, he goes all in. I can’t see him wanting something long distance.” After a moment, she said tentatively, “You wouldn’t consider, uh—”
“Moving?”
She nodded.
Carey looked down at his feet. “I’ve thought about it. Jase has hinted at it.”
�
�But?”
“I’ve built a good life for myself at the ranch, Layla, an important life. I’m vital. I’m needed.” He clenched his fists. “Most fucking importantly, I’m not a burden on anyone.”
“Carey—”
“Here I’d just be Jase’s boyfriend, that dude with no leg. ‘Wow, look at that poor guy. Let’s buy him a beer and thank him for his service.’” He broke off, his sudden burst of bitterness hanging almost tangibly in the air. “I’m sorry.”
Layla stood, too, her leaf-green eyes solemn as she gazed up at him. “No, I’m the one who’s sorry.” She laid a gentle hand on his arm. “For implying your life there is any less important than Jase’s life here.”
He covered her fingers with his. “God, I know you didn’t mean it that way.”
They started walking along the shaded sidewalk again, the friendly gurgle of the fountain following them.
“I don’t know how to explain it,” he said at last. “The thought of moving here isn’t what scares me, it’s the thought of losing myself. Losing the Carey I’ve worked so hard to find.” He made a helpless gesture. “I know that if we’re ever going to be together, it’ll be me who has to make the change. He can’t leave the band.”
He needs it too much.
“I’m just not there yet,” he finished.
“I get it,” she said quietly. “Believe me, I know what it’s like to lose yourself. For fifteen years I was just a cog in the wheel of Quinn’s life, my sole purpose to keep our home running smoothly so that it wouldn’t distract him from his dangerous job. Everything I did was for the good of the Unit. My hopes and dreams, my ambitions, always took a backseat.”
“But you had the foundation to survive that,” he said. “There’s a huge part of himself that Jase is holding back from me. He only lets me in so far, then boom, the door slams in my face. I don’t want the performer, the strong, cool guy that everyone else gets. I want—I need—the stuff underneath that.” He sighed. “If I’m going to be the one to make a change, I need more.”
“Babe!”
The shout startled them both, and Carey turned to see Quinn loping across the courtyard toward them.
“We got studio time!” he called. “Wellman’s gonna get us studio time, for free, veteran to veteran. Oh my God, babe.”
Whooping, he grabbed Layla up and swung her around.
“Really?” she gasped, clutching him. “He liked the music?”
“He loved it.” Quinn hugged her tight. “Our songs are gonna be professionally mixed and engineered. This is it, darlin’. This is it!”
As they nuzzled and whispered together, Carey searched for Jase, spying him just emerging from the building, his Mac under his arm. Wellman was with him, smiling broadly as he shook Jase’s hand. “See you guys back up here in a couple of weeks. Be ready to work your asses off.”
“We are so ready.”
Once Wellman had disappeared, Jase pumped his fist in the air, Rusty and Pete clapping him on the back so hard, he staggered. Then, catching sight of Carey, they all rushed toward him, scooped him up and paraded him around on their shoulders like he’d kicked the winning goal at a soccer match.
“The meeting went well, huh?” he asked unnecessarily, laughing when they all started talking at once.
The celebration carried over to a nearby bar, where between pitchers of beer and platters of nachos, potato skins and wings, they discussed merchandising, logos, and branding.
“I can help with all of that,” Carey said. “We’ve built a huge network of veteran-owned businesses at the ranch. Once you get a logo designed, I’m on it.”
The brainstorming ideas flew fast and thick, until they finally ran out of steam and headed for their vehicles for the drive back to San Diego. Carey slid behind the wheel as Jase said goodbye to the others, then poured himself into the passenger seat and sprawled out, grinning.
“I’m a little drunk,” he declared, “and it feels great. Everything feels great.”
“It does. What an awesome day.”
“Kiss for the road?”
Carey glanced over to see Jase, his eyes bright, lips quirked hopefully.
“I’ve been wanting to kiss you for hours,” Jase added, “but I refrained. Very hard on me, you know, since you’re so fucking cute and all.”
Chuckling, Carey unbuckled his seat belt and slid across the bench seat toward him. Draping his arms around his neck, he leaned in and brushed their lips together. “How’s that?”
Jase pouted. “That’s not a kiss for the road, that’s a kiss for—” He waved his hand. “—the parking lot. How’s that supposed to last me the whole way home?”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” Tilting his head, Carey kissed him again, his tongue sliding deep, Jase’s groan vibrating against his lips. “Better?”
“Mmm. Better kiss,” he murmured. “Not better in that I have wait for hours to have you naked and under me.”
This time it was Carey who groaned, and they clutched each other, straining to get closer, until at last, Carey pushed him away, his mouth and crotch throbbing. “I won’t be able to drive in a minute,” he panted. “No more.”
Jase collapsed back over on his side and yanked his seat belt on, grumbling under his breath. His disgruntlement didn’t last long, and soon he was singing along to the radio, his raspy voice wrapping itself around Carey’s senses as it always did.
When Jase’s phone rang half an hour later, he’d long since fallen asleep. Carey glanced at the display on the console, saw the name “Layla” and punched the button on the steering wheel to answer.
“Hey, this is Carey,” he whispered. “Jase is crashed out.”
A snort came over the line. “So is everyone in this car. You’re the one I wanted to talk to anyway, sweetie. Tell me more about how you set up that merch website for the ranch.”
The discussion lasted the rest of the way to San Diego, and as Carey hit the Coronado Bay Bridge, Jase suddenly stretched.
“Whoops, this one is awake,” Carey said drily. “Talk later?”
“Absolutely.” Layla paused. “You know you’d have a place here, don’t you? Not just as Jase’s boyfriend, but as a vital, contributing member of this band. You’re one of us now, babe.”
The line went dead. Next to him, Jase scrubbed his hand blearily over his jaw, looking so adorably confused at where he was that Carey’s heart skipped a beat.
Maybe Layla was right. Maybe he could have a real purpose here. He’d have a family, in Jase and the band. There had to be a veterans’ organization that he could join, too, so that he could continue his peer counseling.
Jase’s hand came to rest heavily on his thigh, his thumb moving in circles. “You okay?” he rasped. “Didn’t mean to fall asleep on you.”
“I’m fine.” Twining his fingers with Jase’s, Carey gave him a squeeze. “Been talking with Layla, doing some strategic planning.”
“Awesome.” Jase yawned so big, his jaw cracked. “My two favorite people in the whole, wide world.” He slumped back against the window with a sigh. “Love you both.”
A cautious happiness settled in Carey’s chest.
He loves me. I love him. Maybe this could work.
He glanced at Jase.
“Be open to the possibilities of life, son, whatever they may be.”
A beloved voice popped into his head, a voice Carey hadn’t heard in almost a decade but one he’d never forget.
“I’m trying, Mr. Carter,” he whispered under his breath. “I’m trying.”
Carey woke suddenly, not sure what had disturbed him.
The room was still full dark, and he sat up, rubbing his eyes. “Jase?”
A low moan came from the lump in the bed beside him, and Carey reached out to touch Jase’s cheek, recoiling as his fingertips encountered a cold clamminess.
“Jase,” he said again, a little more forcefully this time. “You okay?”
No reply, and then Jase sat bolt upright, his eyes wide open, the l
ook in them wild, unfocused. “It’s not him,” he shouted. “It can’t be him. It can’t.” His breaths sawed in and out, every muscle rigid.
His heart in his throat, Carey laid his hand on Jase’s shoulder, flinching when his head whipped toward him.
“I didn’t know,” Jase said hoarsely.
“Didn’t know what?” Carey rubbed his thumb over the junction between Jase’s shoulder and neck. “What didn’t you know?”
“It’s my fault. It’s all my fucking fault.”
Before Carey could say anything more, Jase’s eyes suddenly snapped into focus. “C—Carey?” he said shakily.
“Yeah, I’m here,” Carey whispered, not getting too close but smoothing his hand over Jase’s chest. “Breathe with me. It’s okay. You’re okay. It’s just a dream.”
Jase started to gasp as his body shook uncontrollably, and he bolted out of bed and ran for the bathroom. The sound of retching floated to Carey’s ears, the heaves interspersed with sobs.
Flinging the covers back, he grabbed his crutches and hurried to where Jase hunched over the toilet, his back muscles tight as a drum as he continued to vomit.
“Get away from me,” Jase choked. “Get the fuck away.”
“No.”
Careful not to touch him, Carey lowered himself to sit on the side of the bathtub, the sight of Jase’s distress sending nausea of his own roiling through him. At last, his stomach emptied, Jase collapsed down on his butt, back against the tub.
His face glistened with sweat, his hair matted to his temples. “I said,” he gasped, “leave me alone.” He sat up shakily and groped under the sink, emerging with a small box which emitted an unmistakable smell.
His hands were trembling too much to open it, so Carey wordlessly took it from him. Inside was a bag of weed and some rolling papers, along with a half-smoked joint and a lighter. Once it was burning, Carey held the joint to Jase’s lips.
After a few false starts, Jase managed to draw some of the drug into his lungs and hold it, steadiness slowly returning. He took the cigarette from Carey and held it himself, taking long drags until it was almost gone. As he smoked, Carey ran light, tentative fingers through his hair, rubbing his scalp and scratching his nails across it gently.
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