“If the cheerleading squad isn’t a good fit and my scholarship was for the dance team, would that be a circumstance that would allow for me to qualify for financial aid?”
“It doesn’t exactly work like that…” He printed out a number of forms as he rambled on about federal and personal loans, subsidized and unsubsidized loans, due dates, and other financial aid buzz words. “But if you want my opinion, make the cheerleading squad a good fit. For this current semester, having your scholarship money taken away will void your schedule.”
My eyes widened. “So even with all this”—I lifted the paperwork he’d given me— “if my scholarship goes away, that’s it for this semester?”
He nodded. “Unless you or your parents can pay the balance out of pocket.”
Yeah, that’s not an option.
I gave him a tight smile. “I understand. Thank you for your time. I’m sorry I kept you this late.”
He shook my outstretched hand. “Good luck to you. Have a good rest of your day, Ms. Cage.”
I left the office and headed to my car in a daze.
If I lose my scholarship, I’m done for this academic year. I won’t graduate on time. I’ll be in debt. I’ll—
My phone rang and the number that called before was calling again.
“Enough of this,” I mumbled before picking up the phone. “Hello?”
“Hey, is this a good time?” a woman’s voice asked me on the other end.
“You have the wrong number,” I snapped, putting the key in the ignition and turning the car on.
“Brooklyn, I got your number from Carter’s mom.”
I pulled the phone away from my ear and looked at the unfamiliar number again.
Who did Mrs. Yates give my number to and why?
Trying not to sound pissed, I asked, “May I ask who is speaking?”
“It’s Kim Day,” she replied.
I made a face. Kim Day was the other dance team member who was moved to the cheerleading squad. She stayed on campus in a dorm and not with the cheerleaders. But since I hadn’t seen her since the night of the party, I hadn’t given her my new number yet.
“Kim… what number is this? I have your number saved in my phone and this isn’t it.” I was so confused.
“I’m using a phone I picked up at a gas station.”
“A burner phone?”
“Yeah.”
“For what?”
“Because I don’t know what’s going on, but I know I need to cover my ass. I can’t meet you on campus, but we should talk. Are you free tomorrow afternoon?”
My hair stood on end. “Yeah.”
“Where are you staying?”
“With James.”
“James Williams.” She said his name with a hint of relief. “Okay. That’s still on campus so we shouldn’t talk there. Not this weekend, anyway. Can you meet me at the furniture store on Elm Street at three?”
I frowned. “Okay. Why there?”
“Because it’s unlikely we’ll see anyone we know there.”
She had a point. “Okay. See you there.”
“Okay.” She hesitated. “And Brooklyn?”
“Yeah?”
“Be careful.”
My eyes widened. “Be care—?”
She’d hung up before I could even finish. I sat there in the parking lot of the financial aid building trying to figure out what was happening to my life.
The buzz of my phone vibrating shook me out of my dazed thoughts.
“Hello?” I answered.
“Hey, did you talk to someone at Financial Aid?” Jay’s deep voice was a sharp contrast to the soft, rattled voice of Kim Day.
“Yeah, I just left. I’m headed home now.”
“Nice. What happened?”
I shut my eyes tight. “I’ll tell you when you get home.”
He paused for a second. “You sound off. Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I just have a lot of paperwork to go through.”
“So, you’re good?”
“Have you finished your lab already?” I wondered, changing the subject.
“No,” he grunted. “Not yet. I had to come back home. I’m looking… I can’t find my chemistry book.”
“I saw it in the kitchen. On top of the refrigerator, I think.”
There was shuffling on the other end. “I found it! Right on top of the refrigerator. Brooklyn, what would I do without you?”
“You’d be lost.” A small smile pulled at my lips. “Good luck with your lab.”
“Thanks. I’ll see you tonight.”
If I didn’t have enough stress, when I returned to Jay’s apartment, my mom called.
“Hey,” I answered just as I was placing the financial aid paperwork on the desk next to my laptop.
“How are you, sweetie?” Mom asked.
“I’m fine. How are you?”
“Tired, but good. Worried about you.”
“You don’t need to worry, Mom.”
“Brooklyn, all you’ve said is that you went to a party and the next day you learned that Carter drowned.”
I cleared my throat. “Um, I don’t know much else. I talked to Mrs. Yates and she said that she doesn’t believe Carter drowned. She said she won’t stop until she finds out the truth of what happened.”
“Didn’t she used to be in law enforcement or something?”
“She went to law school.”
My mom let out a sad sigh. “I can’t even imagine. Losing a child has got to be the hardest thing in the world. I don’t even want to think about what I would do if anything happened to you.”
“I know. But I’m okay, Mom. I’m right here,” I whispered.
“So, talk to me…” Mom probed. “How are you holding up? Even if you don’t know much about what happened, I need to know how you’re doing.”
“I’m okay.”
“You don’t have to pretend to be strong for me.”
My chin quivered. “It’s just a lot going on. And Carter and I hadn’t been close for a while, but it’s still sad.”
“I’m so sorry, sweetie. I just wish I could be there for you.”
I sat down on the futon; my lips pulled into a sad smile. “Stop… You’ve done everything for me. You’ve always been there for me.”
“I can’t wait to see you Saturday and give you the biggest hug.”
“I can’t wait to see you, Mom. Miss you.”
“I miss you, too, sweetie. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
We talked for a few more minutes before saying our goodbyes. I cried for a solid twenty minutes after we disconnected the call.
Talking to my mom made me feel better and worse at the same time. She reminded me of the comforts of home and of unconditional love, but not being able to tell her what was going on with me was killing me. I was sad thinking about Carter’s death. I was hurt about her possible participation in the prank. I was mad at being set up for something I didn’t do. I was irritated that Aiden wouldn’t confirm my alibi. I was confused about the intense sexual attraction to Jay. I was stressed that I could lose my scholarship. And I didn’t know what to think about Kim’s call.
I was a mixed bag of emotions with no clear path to relief.
“Comfort food,” I muttered as I made my way to the kitchen.
I wanted to make macaroni and cheese and fried chicken, but the only thing we had all the ingredients for was spaghetti. After cooking, I did a yoga workout, took a long, hot shower, and resisted the urge to masturbate my stress away. I was sitting on the couch fully dressed in a pair of yoga pants and a tank top by the time Jay came home.
“Brooklyn,” Jay yelled as he entered the apartment. Dropping his duffle bag beside the door, he kept his joke going even though he saw me immediately. “I’m home and coming inside the house.”
“Shut up,” I complained, rolling my eyes. “What’s on your shirt?”
“Lab experiment gone wrong.” Barely looking at me, he headed to the kitchen. �
�It smells good in here. Did you eat already?”
“No, I was waiting for you. I was thinking another dinner and a movie.”
“Okay, cool. I’m going to shower and change.”
Thirty minutes later, we were sitting side by side with spaghetti and garlic bread.
“Thanks for dinner,” he said again as he stared at the meal.
“Thanks for…everything,” I returned.
For the first time all day, he looked at me, holding eye contact for a second before speaking. “I got you. You know that.”
Neither of us had seen the horror movie I selected before, so we didn’t have much of an opportunity to talk. We finished eating as we watched the events play out on screen. With full bellies and a few scares, we started loosening up a bit.
I yelped as the music changed abruptly, startling me. “Is this movie not scary to you?”
“You’re not even jumping at the parts that are supposed to be scary,” he laughed.
“Can we cuddle?” I asked.
Still staring at the TV, he lifted his arm for me to snuggle up next to him. “Since when do you ask?”
“Since…” I got into position and immediately felt warm.
I didn’t finish the sentence and he didn’t ask me to. We both knew why.
Everything was back to normal. The movie was almost over, and his arm had been around me for most of it. My head was resting on his chest, and I didn’t feel anything abnormal. I noticed how good he smelled, but he always did. I noticed how good he looked, but he always did. But there was nothing sexual about our interaction or how he was making me feel.
It was a false alarm. Between the masturbating, the talk last night, and the morning wood, I was just in a sexual mood. It passed. I’m fine. We’re fine. Friends forev—whoa.
Jay’s fingers gently skated down the side of my arm and I felt a jolt. It had a ripple effect, causing my entire body to take notice. I shivered as his hand settled on my bare skin.
“Are you cold?” he wondered softly.
“No.” My body was on fire. But I couldn’t tell him that.
He was quiet for a long time. But as soon as the credits started to roll, he cleared his throat. “I’ll clean up since you cooked.”
He rose to his feet, grabbed our empty glasses, and made a beeline to the kitchen.
It was clear we needed to talk, but I wasn’t sure what to say or how to say it. My eyes started to water so I quietly got up and prepared for bed.
Fifteen minutes later, we were both in bed—him on his side and me on mine. I was lying on my back, staring at the ceiling.
“Jay,” I started as soon as he turned out the light. “I need to ask you something.”
“Okay.”
My heart thudded. It would’ve made it awkward if I didn’t look at him, so I turned my head and eyed his dimly lit profile.
“Are we okay?”
He turned his head to look at me. “Of course we’re okay.”
My stomach was in knots. “There’s a lot of change going on right now and I can’t handle something happening to our relationship, on top of everything else. You’re my best friend, Jay.”
“What’s going on?”
“Do things seem…?” I hesitated and then swallowed my fear. “We’ve never been uncomfortable around each other. Ever. But now… do things seem different?”
He took a deep breath before he turned onto his side so that his whole body was facing me. “Yes.”
As hard as it was, I knew we had to be completely honest with one another. I knew I had to confront the elephant in the room. “Do you think hearing…and seeing me changed us?”
He licked his lips. “I don’t want to say yes.”
“You don’t want to say yes, but is that your answer?”
He scrubbed his face with his free hand. “Yeah. It threw me off a little bit.”
“That’s embarrassing,” I griped. “But I don’t know what’s worse—if we talk about it or if we don’t. I don’t want things to be weird with you because you mean way too much to me to let anything affect our friendship. But things are just different now, so I don’t know what we need to do, but we need to do it as soon as possible.”
“So, you noticed the difference too?”
I turned onto my side so we were eye-to-eye. “Hell yeah! This morning you basically ran out of the kitchen to get away from me,” I exclaimed. I lifted my shoulders. “But honestly, it’s not just you. I didn’t know what to say or how to approach it either. So, let’s get it all out now. Complete honesty. No bullshit.”
“I don’t know…” he said slowly, dragging the sentence out. “Complete honesty and no bullshit has always worked for us but things are…different.”
“It’s the only way we’re going to get past it,” I told him nervously.
“Okay. Fine,” he agreed, taking a second to collect himself. When our eyes locked, I could see there was something he wanted to ask me, but he was holding back.
“Did you see everything?” I wondered, gesturing to my body.
He quickly licked his lips. “Yes.”
Nodding, I closed my eyes for a second. I hated how that acknowledgement turned me on. “Did you see me, or did you watch me?”
“I saw you. It was seconds. The moment I realized, I left,” he explained.
I could tell he was telling the truth and again, I nodded.
“I’m sorry,” he apologized. He reached out to comfort me and then pulled back. “I didn’t know, and I wouldn’t just walk in on you like that.”
“Don’t be sorry. This is your apartment. This is your bedroom. This is your bed. But this was not your fault, so you have nothing to be sorry for.” I reached out and put my hand on his arm. “I’m sorry for doing it in here.”
“It’s all good. I promise.”
I gave him a small smile. “I have another question,” I began tentatively. “When you said you went to the bathroom to calm down, did you masturbate?”
“No…”
My stomach sank. It felt like there was more to his answer, but I was too caught off guard by the disappointment I didn’t expect to feel that I didn’t say anything.
“I have a question for you though…” He hesitated, looking around the room before he started again. “This morning…”
I felt my heart in my throat. “At breakfast?”
“No. Before. We um, we fell asleep like we normally do, but I don’t know. I woke up and we were a lot closer…”
“Oh.” I let out a shaky breath as silently as possible. “Yeah.”
He looked at me expectantly. “Were you rubbing your ass on me on purpose?”
Oh. My. God. I felt the heat rush up my neck and flush my face.
I nodded. “Yeah,” I whispered.
His chest rose and fell before he spoke. “Why?”
I closed my eyes and removed my hand from his arm. “I’m sorry. I’m so stressed that I wasn’t thinking clearly. I woke up horny and you were holding me… and your dick was hard… and you were moaning—”
He froze. “I was moaning?”
“Yeah.”
“Did I say anything else?”
“No…” I searched his face and my heart started pounding in my chest. “Why? What were you thinking about?”
“I can’t remember,” he uttered softly.
Lies. I could tell by the way his voice broke he was lying. Unfortunately, the sound was so sexy that everything below my waist tightened.
“What were you thinking about?” he questioned.
Blinking rapidly, I tried to buy some time. “When?”
“When you were purposely rubbing your ass against me, what were you thinking about?”
I licked my lips. “I can’t remember,” I lied.
He moved closer and held my gaze. “I don’t believe you.”
I shifted my body toward his, painfully aware of how my tank top brushed against my skin. “I don’t believe that you don’t remember what you were dreaming about
.”
“Tell me what you were thinking about, Brook.” His voice dropped an octave. “What was going through your mind when you were grinding on me?”
My nipples were rock hard. Not breaking eye contact, I confessed, “I was thinking about being fucked.” I watched his lips part slightly. “What were you thinking about?”
“Something I haven’t been able to get out of my head,” he answered.
The sexual tension was so thick that I was finding it harder to breathe. Desire coiled in the pit of my belly. “Say it. I want to hear you say it.”
“What do you want me to say? I accidentally walked in on you playing with your pussy and haven’t been able to stop thinking about it?”
“Jay…” I exhaled his name. The air left my lungs and for a second, I forgot how to breathe.
“I was thinking about you when I woke up this morning.” His eyes were zeroed in on my lips. “Is that what you want me to say?”
“Is that the truth?”
“Yes.”
I squeezed my legs together to calm the ache between them.
“Now say what’s on your mind, Brooklyn,” he demanded.
Something about his authoritative tone eliminated my inhibitions. Words just started tumbling from my mouth. “I’ve been stressed. I needed a release so when I was playing with myself, I fantasized that I was with you. I’d never fantasized about you before, but the second you entered my mind, my pussy got so wet. I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about you. You were eating me, and I came on your face.”
He licked his lips. “Is that what you want?” he whispered.
Yes.
My body clearly wanted it, but we were best friends. We said we’d never cross that line. We had boundaries for a reason.
I thought of a few different ways to respond.
But whatever sexual tension existed between us over the years culminated in that moment and I was unable to form the words to stop what was happening. He touched my hand. His fingertips trailed up my arm and over my shoulder. It wasn’t an overtly sexual touch, but he might as well have stripped me naked. I felt exposed. I couldn’t resist what was happening between us anymore.
Instead of using my words to respond, I used my mouth. Leaning forward, I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him. Even though I initiated it, all the air left my body when our lips touched.
My heart stopped.
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