by Dale Mayer
“Easy for you to say,” he said in a harsh voice. “You’re whole. You have a career and a future. That was me in the past. It’s not who I am now.”
“Well, I’m not listening to that bullshit,” Shane said. “Because I know the truth. I know that who you are right now is better than I am,” he said. “Do you think I don’t know how much everybody who comes through this place has been through, whereas me, I haven’t been tested like that. I haven’t had my body torn apart like you guys. I haven’t had to deal with the emotional and psychological damage of what you’ve been through. I didn’t serve my country. I was in school, and I didn’t choose to go into the military in any form.”
Shane was on a roll. “I’ve often wondered how I would have fared if I had served. I don’t think I would have done well. You are who you are,” he said calmly, but his voice was low, so nobody else would hear. “Stop knocking that. You’re a damn fine man. And any woman—particularly the one who we both know we’re talking about—would be very happy to take you as you are. But you have to reach out and let her know that you care.”
“How can I?” Gregory asked. “She basically apologized for our past, but it was a goodbye. It wasn’t a Hey, this is where we’re at, and let’s see where we can go. It was an I’m sorry, almost like she needed to move on.”
Shane shook his head. “No, that’s not it at all. She doesn’t want to cause you any pain, and we had to pull her away to help you get over the anger eating at you,” he said, “and we’re the ones who forced her to stay away from you. Now whatever happened today—I don’t know what that was—but I can tell you that she spent the last week and a half dealing with her own sense of grief and her own loss and her own anger over what we did. Don’t blame her for coming to the wrong conclusion. What you need to do is clear the air, and see where you stand now.” And, on that note, he got up and left.
For the second time that day, Gregory stared in shock as someone walked away from him. Meredith didn’t have a choice? She had been removed from his care so that he could deal with his own issues? How did that work? Meredith was his issue. And obviously, Shane and Dani knew that. It felt weird to think that everybody else was discussing his personal life. But he’d come here specifically to see Meredith, and, of course, he’d gotten so much more in a different way. Still, he really wanted her, but her words had seemed so final today. They were an ending rather than a beginning.
Was Shane right? Was she under the wrong assumption, or was Gregory? Or maybe they both were. Was it all about communication or the lack thereof?
Gregory stared down at his stump, realizing just how much better it did look. She was supposed to check into his prosthetic, and it wouldn’t make that much difference—not about getting her back, that is—but it was almost like a symbol of moving on again. With it, he could stand on his own two feet.
It was such a simple sign of progress. Hell, he should have just made himself a peg leg and stuck with it. It was also very indicative of how he felt about himself in this world, that he couldn’t stand on his own two feet physically or mentally, spiritually or emotionally.
Thinking to himself, he got back into his wheelchair and made his way to his room, where he changed into dry clothes. He grabbed the crutches and headed to the cafeteria. He stopped at the entranceway, hearing lots of conversations and loud laughter. He’d made a few friends here himself but mostly kept off to the side, isolated. He wanted to blame Meredith, which was hardly fair, yet it seemed like, when he was given a choice, he always went to a table where nobody else was.
Dennis called out to him. “Hey, Gregory, how are you doing?”
He hopped over and gave the ever-friendly man a smile. “Hungry and fed-up with life at the moment.”
“Well, we got the cure for what ails you,” he said. “How about lasagna and maybe some ribs on the side?”
He looked over at Dennis. “What, no vegetables?”
“Sometimes we need comfort food,” Dennis said. “And, if vegetables aren’t it for you, they are not going to cut it.”
“Thank you,” Gregory said. “And you’re right. I need comfort food right now. So load me up.” They went through the food, getting him a decent plate. Dennis grabbed a tray, filled it up and carried it for him. “You do look tired today,” Dennis said.
“Tired, worn-out, fed-up.” He nodded and said, “Just one more of those days.”
“You’ll have a lot of them for a while,” Dennis said seriously. “But they will ease as you improve.”
“I know,” Gregory said. “I just wish I was there already.”
Dennis led the way to a table out all on its own.
When Gregory hobbled behind, he said, “Let’s change that up.”
Dennis turned to him and raised an eyebrow.
A group of men sat off to one side at a table that would easily seat ten. Motioning, Gregory said, “Maybe I shouldn’t be quite so antisocial all the time.”
Dennis grinned. “Come on. I’ll introduce you.” He walked over to the table with the others and said, “Hey, guys. This is Gregory. He could use a little company.”
The men all smiled, shook hands and introduced themselves. One man pointed at the table and said, “Lots of room here. Grab a spot.”
Gregory sat down and started to eat his dinner. He partially listened in the conversation, but very quickly the men turned their attention to him and started asking him questions. He was surprised at how nice it was to have a conversation with somebody who wasn’t concerned about his health or his emotional status, and he thoroughly enjoyed himself. By the time he finally finished his meal, most of the men had gone, and he sat and talked with one guy named Steve.
Steve was almost done at Hathaway House. He had another week to go. Steve asked, “How long do you have?”
“Another couple months, I think,” Gregory said. “When I got here, I was pretty cocky, thought I knew how to do this, knew what this was all about.” He shook his head, a wry grin on his face. “And then I started working with Shane.”
Steve laughed. “Isn’t that the truth. We can be as cocky as we want when we get here because we’ve been through it all before we got here. In truth, we’re way behind the curve because Shane is way ahead of the curve, and, for that, we should be damn grateful. But, when you’re working with him, when you’re in the middle of it all, it’s pretty hard to find the energy to be grateful.”
Gregory leaned back, looked at Steve and smiled. “And that’s the truth I needed to be reminded of,” he admitted. “I haven’t exactly had the nicest thoughts about him lately.”
Steve smirked. “Whatever they do here, they do for your sake. You may not like it. You may not like their methods. You may not like the hard work right now,” he said, “but you will like the end result by the time you take a look at yourself down the road. Has anybody showed you a before and after photo?”
“Meredith did one today,” he said. “I was shocked, honestly. I didn’t get much of a chance to look at it, but she said she’ll send it to me.”
“Those photos, they’re gold,” Steve said. “They’ve kept me going through so much here. I know a lot of the guys don’t put any stock in them, but I do because, if I don’t know where I’ve been, I don’t recognize how far I’ve come.” And, on that note, he slapped the table, stood and said, “And now it’s time for me to head back to my room. I’ve got a video conference with my family tonight.” With a big grin, he picked up a huge cup of coffee and walked on two prosthetics out of the room.
Gregory chuckled; Steve wore shorts and was completely casual about the fact that he had two mechanical legs. And, if he was so relaxed about it, why the hell was Gregory having such a hard time? Of course, it would be nice if he even got his first prosthetic, and maybe one that would fit. Possibly that was the difference. It was amazing just how far he’d come; Steve was right. Gregory hadn’t given enough credit where credit was due. He didn’t like Shane’s methods, didn’t like anything about what they’d do
ne to keep Meredith away, but obviously, it had been good for her too. That distance had given her perspective.
And something about that brought up a wave of anger that he had trouble keeping down. As he sat here, the anger grew and grew. With perfect timing, he saw her arrive for dinner. She walked over to go out on the deck, and he waited until she was seated. Then he hobbled away from his table, headed out onto the deck, stood beside her and, in a low, hard voice, he said, “You had your say, but it’s time for me to have mine.”
She looked up at him in surprise and said, “I’m sorry. Did I do something to upset you?”
“Yes. I get that you’re ready to let go of the past, and I certainly accept whatever apology you think you need for your part in our breakup,” he said, “but you have to let me apologize too because I wasn’t thinking about you. I wasn’t thinking about anything but me, and that wasn’t fair either.”
She started to smile. “Okay, we both screwed up.”
“Back then, yes,” he said, taking a deep breath, “we both did. And I think, since I’ve arrived, we’ve both screwed up more.”
She looked at him, and he could see the hurt in her eyes.
“Shane told me what he asked you to do. He said that Dani took me off your roster and that it wasn’t personal on your part. For a long time, I thought it was, and I was really angry,” he said. “And I think that’s what Shane was trying to do, to make me angry enough to make me blow, to get that emotion out. And now the inside of me feels scraped raw, and I don’t really know how to handle it. But, when I’m sitting here thinking about what you said, I’m angry all over again.”
“I didn’t say that to upset you,” she protested.
“No, of course not,” he said, his tone almost caustic. “You said it for yourself. I get that you’re ready to move on. The problem is, I’m not.”
She stared at him in shock.
Gregory nodded and continued, “Now you figure out how to deal with that.” And he spun around and crutched out of the cafeteria. When he got to his room, he was grinning because, this time, he felt in control. This time, he felt like he’d done something positive to move his own life forward.
And, damn, that felt good.
Chapter 14
Meredith spent the next two days in hiding. She alternated between red with anger and white with fear. She avoided Gregory until she could be calm enough to talk to him. She thought she’d had it all worked out until his words the other day. Even now she didn’t really have a reason to back away, except that she felt it was something that she needed to do to regain control.
Finally, Shane stepped into her office and frowned at her.
She frowned right back.
“You need to talk to him,” he said, shoving his hands into his jean pockets. “Whatever is going on is holding him back.”
“I don’t think so,” she said calmly. “He pretty much tossed a gambit at me, and I haven’t decided if I’m going to pick it up or not.”
“Or you’ve decided already,” Shane said with a nod of his head, “but, for whatever reason, whatever he said or did is confusing you.”
She took a deep breath. “I haven’t talked to him because I don’t dare,” she said. “I might be glad to go in there and blast him myself.”
He grinned. “Maybe that would be better,” he said. “Blast away, get it all out in the open. Then you can kiss and make up.”
“And yet, I’m not sure kissing and making up is on the agenda,” she said, turning her gaze to the computer monitor in front of her. “It’s not always that easy.”
“No, but I do find we make most things in life more complicated because we don’t actually communicate. We leave everything as this big nightmare, instead of clarifying what it was that people were trying to say. But I can’t have you hindering his progress, so you best decide what you’ll do before I have to step in and make sure that the entire team knows what’s going on.”
She glared at him. “That’s blackmail.”
“That’s called having a relationship at Hathaway House, where everybody knows everything,” he corrected. “I get that you are not quite ready, but I am telling you that you need to get ready faster.” And, on that note, he turned and walked off.
She sat here, trying to control her breathing for a long moment, because she didn’t know what the hell she was doing. Shane was right about that; she was confused. She was torn, and she cared so damn much that she didn’t know how to get over her current situation.
Gregory had said he didn’t want to find closure, that he wanted to have a relationship. So why was she arguing? Why was she sitting here, fighting it? All she wanted to do was have him wrap his arms around her and hold her close, like he used to when it felt like it was just the two of them alone in the world, when nobody else could quite understand how special what they had was. And now she didn’t understand herself.
“He’s right, you know,” Dani said quietly as she walked inside. “No, I wasn’t trying to listen, but I couldn’t help overhearing. Most people don’t understand what’s going on, but, of course, I do.”
“I’m confused,” Meredith said, her tone hurt. “I don’t even know what to do anymore.”
“Well, usually the best way to handle that,” Dani said, “is to talk.”
“I pretty much said goodbye. Said that I was fine, how he could carry on his life, that I had been able to find some closure.”
“Well, I’m sure that pissed him right off.” Dani laughed. “Nobody likes to be told that somebody’s ready to move on from them.”
“He more or less told me that I could be as ready as I want, but he wasn’t ready, so I had to deal with it.”
“Well, you’re not ready either,” Dani said smoothly. “Hurt feelings utilize words all the time to gloss over the rough edges and to have nobody else understand exactly what it was that you were trying to say. But the truth of the matter is, you care. You’ve always cared. He cares. He’s always cared. The two of you are at cross-purposes, yet shouldn’t be.”
Meredith nodded slowly. “It’s just so silly.”
At that, Dani laughed and laughed. “All relationship stuff usually is. The bottom line is whether you care enough that you want a relationship with this man in the shape he’s in, as he is right now. And the issue for him is whether he’s prepared to step up and be the man who he can be, and does he love you enough to pursue you in a relationship that will last through the end of time for both of you.”
“When you put it that way …” Meredith said, rolling her eyes.
Dani grinned. “A little bit of that wisdom was hard-earned through experience, but that really is the bottom line.”
“It’s not that easy to get there. I’ve pretty well ignored him for the last few days.”
“Oh, you haven’t ignored him at all,” Dani said. “You are hyperaware of everything that he does and says. And that makes it even more obvious to the rest of us that you guys need to sort this out.”
“Sure,” she muttered, “it sounds easy, but …”
“Most things in life aren’t,” Dani said. “So why don’t you take some time this afternoon? I happen to know he has an extended lunch break because our psychologist had to run into town to help somebody at the hospital, so Gregory is free for that session. You have your lunch hour and the first hour afterward where he is not booked up.”
“That’s like making an appointment,” Meredith said, wrinkling up her face.
“So then, make it a meaningful one,” Dani said. “Talk to Dennis. Maybe get a picnic and take Gregory to visit with the animals where there won’t be any chance of you guys being overheard and then hash this out. It’s really that simple.”
But the fear was gripping and choking Meredith.
Dani nodded. “I can see the fear inside you. Every day we watch these men face their fears. Some days they do it well. Some days they don’t,” Dani said softly. “But we’ve also seen incredible acts of courage from people who we didn’t t
hink had it in them. They stand, step up and face the new challenges. Can you do any less?” And with that prophetic question, Dani turned and walked out.
Meredith sat here at her desk, her face in her hands for a long moment, and then she got up and walked into the kitchen. It was still a little early, but she saw Dennis standing out on the deck, enjoying the late-morning sunshine. She walked over to him. He turned around and gave her a beaming smile, but his smile fell away when he saw her face. “Uh-oh, problems in paradise?”
She gave him a half a smile. “Yes, but I’m hoping to maybe hash out some of the problems.”
“What can I do to help?” he asked.
“A picnic lunch for two,” she said, “if that’s possible.”
“For you and Gregory?”
She nodded. “We’ve been at crosscurrents since he arrived,” she said. “It’s time to clear the air and see where we stand.”
He frowned at her and said, “You don’t have to make it sound like a death sentence.”
“It’s kind of the opposite,” she said. “He said he’s not ready to walk away.”
“But?”
She shrugged. “I guess there’s no but. I just feel very confused about the whole thing.”
“Then go back to the beginning,” he said quietly. “Go back to the origin, to the start of it all, and remember what it was that you felt. And, if what you felt back then is the same thing you feel now, only more mature and a longer-lasting kind of emotion, then go with it. What you don’t want to do is be a year from now, looking back at this moment, and wishing you’d done more, feeling like you’ve lost something very, very valuable because you weren’t willing to reach out and offer something different.”
“That’s another way to look at it that I hadn’t considered,” she admitted.
“Well, think about it. How did you feel this last week when you couldn’t see him?”
She stared out over the pastures. That’s what came from working with a tight-knit group. “You heard about that, huh?”