by Akaku Red
I knew he was trying to make me empathise with him.
Yet still, he couldn't hide that little smirk.
“When?”
“Tomorrow.”
Wow.
Where is the time to mentally prepare?
I really didn’t like gatherings, nor did I like being around people I didn't know.
But Tyler made things possible for me… so I should do him a favour.
Yeah … I should do this.
With a big sigh, I got up.
“I will accompany you.”
Stretching my arms up in the air, I tried to hide my tension.
“I can’t leave you like a loner.” I added jokingly.
The sun shone through thin clouds.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
Secretly … I was happy that he asked me out, but I didn't want to show it.
“Thank you.”
He also got up and took his jacket with him, brushing off the dirt from it.
I nodded slowly and enjoyed the view.
He placed himself next to me, and we both watched the clear stream of the river.
The breeze was refreshing, and I felt at ease.
But suddenly … I had a bad feeling. No! … It wasn't a feeling.
There was something.
I felt eyes on me.
It crept up to me, like a dark shadow with lots of hate, anger and detest.
My scars started hurting, my body trembled.
I looked around, searching for something.
Searching for the source!
There were some people crossing by, but they didn't look at me.
It was a creepy feeling and … oh god.
Behind a streetlight, I saw a silhouette! It faced me.
I couldn't see clearly, because this person was standing further afar, but I was sure, the gaze came from this direction.
The bad feeling was more potent than before, and this time I even found a source.
“T-Tyler, I want to go home.”
I grabbed the hem of his shirt and tugged it.
“Is something wrong?”
He took my face into his hands and forced me to look at him.
“You turned pale! Are you okay?”
I avoided his eyes and looked back to the direction the creepy gaze was coming from.
But … this time, the silhouette was gone.
Tyler started following my sight, but as he couldn't see anything strange, his eyes looked back at me.
“Jenny?”
Did I imagine things? Am I getting paranoid again?
“S-Sorry … er … I just thought … I just thought … I saw someone.”
My voice was slowly getting stable again.
Tyler tightened his grip; he didn't hurt me, it was more like a grip to show me, that he was there … to show me, that he would protect me.
“But there is nobody.”
He said while looking around again.
“Yeah…” I whispered.
“I guess, there was nothing…”
After this, Tyler drove me back home. My mother wasn't there yet.
He wanted to stay a little longer, at least until she arrived … but I noticed that he was tired.
I assured him that I was okay and that he didn't need to stay with me.
At first, he didn't want to leave me alone, but after a little while, I convinced him that everything was fine – he needed to take a rest.
He left… and I got back to my room.
With a big sigh, I jumped on my bed.
“What a creepy day!”
Today had everything… from funny, sad to thrilling moments, which made me fear the next day.
I just hoped that at least tomorrow would be a better day.
“I must be going insane…”
I laid down for a bit before I let my hand slide into my pocket, pulling out the picture of Alice.
The picture made me smile.
“Alice…”
I turned the picture around, to take a look at the address.
It was written down with a blue pencil; the writing was definitely Alice’s.
She always made the ‚e‘ look like a little heart.
Her writing was unique.
Her whole self… it was one of a kind.
Sadly, I couldn't place this picture on my desk.
If Elise saw it, she surely would get mad and … maybe she would take it away.
I needed to hide it carefully, like all the other memories.
I placed the photo in a box under my bed! I kept my diaries and some old stuff from the orphanage in that box.
Even the stuffed rose, from my mother Cindy, which I had gotten as a present on my birthday before she got to know the asshole, Thomas. I didn't understand why I kept it, but … somehow the little red rose was always with me. It witnessed the hell that I was going through. It still had my (dried) blood on it, and it was a bit thorn on its stuffed stem, the rose should have been red but … because it was covered with my dried blood, it was mixed with dark red hues that resembled black.
The rose had a little smiley on its petal, but it looked more like a fake smile.
Covering the true feelings…
If I looked at the stuffed flower, all bad memories would flash back.
But even so… I could never throw it away.
I crawled down under my bed, reaching out to the box, and as I got it, I pulled it closer to me.
My heart felt heavy, as I opened it and saw the rose.
The smiley stared at me, and I couldn’t look away.
It mirrored some old pictures.
Not very clear, yet enough to see shadows of blood splashing on walls, on the floor, on Thomas, Cindy and … Daniel.
I closed my eyes in hope to let these memories vanish, but it didn’t.
The little rose was sad … even though a smile was on its petal, it didn't seem happy at all.
I turned the rose so that it couldn't face me anymore.
On the back was a big amount of dry blood, which got deep in the stuffed stem, even into the torn part.
The white cotton wool wasn’t white anymore.
Dark, cold, and ravished.
My blood…
I swallowed hard.
“It is in the past … Everything is fine now.”
With these words, I tried to make myself calm down.
I didn't open up the box for a long time, and it had its reasons.
It was too depressing to see this stuffed flower…
But … I needed to get over with it.
The past is in the past.
Right?
I searched for my old notebook, which I used at the time at the orphanage to communicate with Alice.
As I found it, I opened the first page.
`Yes, let us do this!` was written on it.
I was thrown back in time.
“Good, so when we turn sixteen, we will leave this orphanage. We will leave the city and search for a farm! We will live a perfect life, where we can have our own peace. We should live old-fashioned! We will be having fun together… forever.” Alice said while her eyes sparkled like a million diamonds.
We were sitting on the meadow and started making future plans. She was the one who began this conversation, and I was happy to be part of her plans.
Alice was one year older than me, she would turn sixteen before me, but she wanted to wait for me, so we both could run away from the orphanage.
We wanted to start anew… to build our own life, and we wanted to have fun.
Because she suffered too. She never knew her parents, because they left her at the hospital when she was born. She got adopted by two families, and both treated her really bad. Alice was also experiencing a kind of abuse, but it made her stronger. She grew to accept it.
`That's a good idea!,`I wrote down and showed her my answer.
“Yeah! Perfect!” She started talking about different farms.
A then sh
e started counting the labour, which we needed to face eventually.
“We will be milking cows, feeding horses, cleaning their sheds and the animals in general.”
She even made fun of us because she imagined how we would smell after all the hard work.
I was silently listening to her, and I admired her lively spirit.
She was just so beautiful.
“Hey! You should stop daydreaming and imagine it with me!” She warned.
Alice treated me like a normal girl, and I really appreciated that.
I wrote down a thing, which was on my mind.
`Why do you want it to be isolated?`
“Because I have enough of the people here! I want us to have a good life. I don’t want to suffer anymore. And don’t worry about a man. I will marry you.”
We both started laughing.
`Well, I accept your proposal, but don’t you want to marry a real man and have a beautiful family?`
She shook her head. Then she started playing with her long brown hair.
“Nooo~ That’s too… far ahead! And you are my family!”
I nodded slightly.
“You know what? I have changed my mind! I think we should open a flower shop! Oh yeah we should be florists!”
Her new change made me laugh.
`You quickly changed your mind.`
“Well, you know me! But this time, this will be our real goal. We will open up a shop with the most beautiful flowers the world has seen.”
Again, I nodded.
For me, it didn't matter what she had in mind, because as long as we would stay together, I would go anywhere with her.
“We should come up with a name.”
She started by suggesting different names, but they all didn’t sound right.
And some made me even burst out laughing.
“Hey! Stop laughing. You should think too!”
`How about Green Paradise?`
Alice shook her head in disbelieve.
“Do you want us do go bankrupt?”
I sighed.
`I don't know…`
Suddenly she moved me back and forth.
“I know! I have the perfect name! Green and Rose!” She jumped up and clapped her hands.
But she stopped as she noticed my questioned look.
“Green, because of my Name and Rose…“
With one hand, she took my notebook and wrote something into it.
“You are a beautiful rose, yet you still need to thrive on. And one day … I will hear your beautiful voice again.”
A smile crept up to my face, as I remembered the time.
The memories weren't bad, in fact, they made me happy.
Suddenly, Tyler’s voice came back into my mind…
He also said that I resembled a rose. But … how? A rose was beautiful, and I wasn’t.
I sighed, placing the picture inside the notebook.
“I hope … we will meet soon, Alice.”
This wish was deep in my heart, and I just hoped that it would become true.
Slowly, I crawled out of bed.
I changed my clothes and focused on my homework.
After I finished them, I took out the laptop to search for the address, which Alice had left me.
I typed the address on Google Maps – it was leading me to Cambridge.
It was one and a half hour away from where I was living.
How could I get there, without my mother’s knowing?
This would be hard!
A knock on my door, made me startle.
“Jenny, may I come in?”
It was Elise.
SHIIIIT!
With a big rush, I deleted my internet history and closed the laptop.
I opened my math book to make it seems like I was learning.
“Yeah, you may enter.”
She opened the door.
With little steps, she got in and sat down on my bed.
“Are you learning?”
“No,… it’s just homework.” I answered.
“Good, if you have trouble with something, then tell me. I can help you.”
I smiled and got up, just to sit next to her.
“Thank you, I know.”
She wrapped her left arm around me.
“Today, it was a little stressful. Thankfully, it is over now.”
“Work?”
“Yeah … I heard that you are going to attend a celebration with Tyler. On my way home, I brought you a dress.”
She held a bag in her right hand. She must’ve hidden it before she got in because I didn't notice it before.
“Please wear this.”
She opened it and presented me with a red dress.
A short-fitted lace dress with a deep V-neck front and back.
She turned the dress to show me it had horizontal tie straps at the nape.
“I saw it in a shop window, and it caught my eyes right away.”
Elise smiled proudly. But … wasn’t it too revealing?
Luckily, it had long sleeves to cover my arms!
My gaze followed the dress down, and it had split seam at the waist, wave edges at the neckline and hem.
It looked beautiful, but something like this wasn't meant for me!
Not for the scar on my chest!
I was afraid that it would be shown, with this dress on.
“I saw it, and I knew this would look perfect on you.”
Her smile reached her eyes; it was the first time after Rick’s passing, that I saw her like this.
“Thank you, but … I don't know if this looks good on me.”
“Don’t worry! Tomorrow, I will help you out! I will style your hair and do your make up.”
Her eyes sparkled out of excitement.
I couldn’t say anything against it.
“Oh … Okay?”
“Good… What do you think about Tyler, do you like him?“ She suddenly asked.
“What do you mean?”
Surprised by her question, I backed away.
“I mean, do you like him as a person? I know, you don't like strangers, and I didn’t forget that it's hard for you to be near men.”
Her arm was back around me.
“Err… I guess Tyler is a good person. I have no problem being around him.”
“That’s good to hear!”
I sighed.
“B-But sometimes I have odd feelings…” Somehow, I got embarrassed as I said those words.
She looked at me confused.
“I-I mean sometimes … my stomach hurts and … I just feel crazy things.”
“Maybe I need to see a doctor.” I added.
Elise started giggling.
Not the laugh that I expected, but it was a beautiful laugh that didn't make me feel stupid.
“Aww my little girl, you clearly don't need a doctor for this.” She patted my head.
“These feelings are normal for a young lady.”
Nervously, I brushed over my pants.
“Really? I mean … My heart sometimes beats really fast, and I feel dizzy too.”
She didn't stop laughing.
“My, my! Everything is normal. Sometimes you shouldn't think too much. Just listen to your heart, and you will find the answers.”
Her gentle smile kept me calm.
“Thank you. I guess… I will do that.”
“No need to thank me! I didn't do anything. Ah and don't let Tyler know about this, he still needs to suffer a little bit more.”
Now I was left completely confused.
“Suffer? Did I do anything to make him suffer?”
“No, no, ha-ha! Don't get that wrong; this is another way of suffering! Not what you think, he is not hurting or anything. Sorry, I forgot you still don't know this. But maybe… you will understand later on.”
I looked puzzled at her, but since she laughed so much, it let my confusion fade.
Her laugh made me happy.
We didn't have a chat like this, no
t since the death of Rick.
She wiped away one tear, from her hard laughing and started breathing slowly.
“Whew … I didn't laugh like this in a while.”
“That’s true!”
“I am sorry, these months I had a lot to do, and I am trying my best to handle everything well.”
“You don't need to handle everything alone. If you need my help, then relay on me too.”
I muttered.
She sighed.
“I know that, Jenny.”
She looked down.
“In the following week, I need to travel to Denmark due to my work. I asked my boss if you could come with me, but he didn't allow it. Either I will decline the offer, or I leave you with Tyler.”
I looked at her with disbelieve written on my face.
“You can go! There is no problem, and even if Tyler can’t take care of me, I can take care of myself!” I stated.
“I know that … but I can’t leave you alone. I don't trust the gardner, nor the maid. The only person I can trust is Tyler. So if you want me to be at ease, you need to stay with him.”
I sighed.
“I know, I still don't know how to defend myself … And that I am weak … but I don't want you to worry so much.”
Now she was the one who looked at me with disbelieve.
“You are anything, but weak! You are a strong young woman! Everything you went through and how you are now, shows how strong you are. Don't say that ever again, ok!”
Her words made me speechless.
“I don't think of you as weak. I just don't want you to be alone, and I need you to be happy.”
“Mum … I already am happy. But I have the feeling … that you don't trust me.”
Elise sighed heavily.
“No, I do trust you.”
“Then … why won’t you tell me about my father?”
I said while tearing up.
“If you trust me and don't see me as a weakling, then why don't you tell me?”
She looked into my eyes.
Her face looked full of regret, and tears dropped down.
“Everything I do is for your safety! You are my wonderful child, and no mother wants her child to be sad. I never told you about Rick, because I am afraid that you would … do something.”
Hearing those words left me more confused than I already was.
“Promise me, if I tell you, you will not do anything!”
I didn't know what she meant.
And maybe I wasn't ready to hear the next words, but still, I nodded my head.
“I promise.”
My voice was barely noticeable due to the tensions.