Lost Soul

by Cindy Pike

  “I can only think of his name and he called me, little… Little whore. As for positions, he liked to come up behind me a lot, so I’ve noticed that’s an issue for me anytime one of you do.” Heath gets a hard look on his face and I realize what I just said, and never told any of them, damn it. I open my mouth to say something, but he stops me before I can make a sound.

  “We’ll talk more about that later, when we’re not here with me as your instructor and you in a vulnerable and likely upsetting situation.” His voice is neutral, but his eyes tell me that he is hurt that I kept this from them.

  We continue our stretches as we go over my possible triggers, the stretching helps not to overwhelm my mind with my worries. “And you know about having someone tower over me.” I finish.

  “Okay good, today we’re going to start out with just basic self-defense moves. Ready to begin?” We’ve stretched about as much as anyone can and I can’t think of any way to stall further, so I nod even though my nerves are eating away at me.

  “Nora, look at me and listen carefully.” Heath waits until he has my attention riveted to him, then continues, “Before I do anything or we attempt any moves I’ll explain them and make sure you don’t have any unanswered questions. Then I’ll make sure you’re in a place mentally that us acting out the scenario won’t cause you any unnecessary stress. If at any time you start to panic, I’m trained to see the signs and help bring you through it to the other side. Do you understand?” That helps rock my nerves back down to a more manageable level. I nod, but that’s not what he wants, “I need you to verbalize your answers to me, for the foreseeable future, Nora.” I blow out a breath.

  “I understand, Heath.” My voice is not as strong as normal, but it’s not shaky either so I’ll call it a win.

  “Good. Do you have any questions?”

  “Not yet.” I give him a smile that I’m sure is more of a grimace; I’m mentally pulling up all my new coping skills to forge on.

  “Okay, we’ll start in a standing position, you stand first.” He orders, and I obey. In this moment, we aren’t dating, he’s my instructor and I’m his pupil, nothing more. “Today we’re going to go over 5 basic moves, with three from a standing position, one from behind and one from a ground attack. The goals of these moves are not for you to show off or fight me. These are strictly to disengage from your attacker and remove yourself from the situation, not stay and fight. For today’s scenario, I’ll be the attacker and you’ll be the victim, okay?” He pauses for me to answer him.

  “Yep, got it.” I try to keep my answer short and to the point.

  “The first is when an attacker grabs your arm, put your hand over my knuckles, then swing your arm around, grabbing my wrist with the hand of the arm that I’m holding. From there I want you to push down. That will cause me to turn my back to you and fall forward away from you. I won’t be able to get up because of the pressure your hold puts on my arm. This also creates space between us, giving you room to escape to get to help. Depending on which hand your attackers use depends on which you’ll use in your counter. Any concerns or questions?”

  “No.”

  “Good, ready to act it out?”

  “Yep.” I pop the p with my lips at the end, showing some anxiety.

  “How are you doing mentally?” Heath checks in with me.

  “I’m okay.”

  “Okay from now on when I check in with you before we move on to the next step, I’ll ask you with three words, understand, questions, and check. Got it?” He’s very patient with me and thorough in his teaching.

  “Got it, G Man.” I give an easier smile this time and we run through the move. He checks in with me after we’ve completely done it once. I’m good so we do it again, and again, and again, until I’ve lost count of the times we’ve gone over it. I know it’s so I get a good foundation for muscle memory, so I don’t complain, in fact I’m grateful that he’s so thorough, making the slightest corrections as I make any mistakes. Finally, Heath calls a break for water and we both head toward the water cooler.

  We drink from our water bottles and I catch my breath (Heath isn’t showing any signs of fatigue, bastard) then we move back to the center of the mat.

  “Right, on to move two. This one is for when someone invades your personal space. If someone comes up and puts their arm around your shoulder, moving into your personal space unwantedly. This would be like if someone was next to you and their hips are next to yours. Grab the wrist that’s over your shoulder, hold it down. Then with your other hand hold their far shoulder. Duck under the arm that’s behind you, keeping your hands in position so you’re now behind them, holding them still. From here use your foot to push their knees forward, causing them to fall on them. Then you can disengage and find help.” The rest goes the same as with move one. He asks the check-in questions, then we repeat the move until Heath’s satisfied with my performance.

  “Good, let’s move onto the third move. Okay, move three is if someone pulls your hair. The natural instinct in this scenario is to run and flee. That’s not possible if your attacker has your hair and is pulling you backward. So, in this case, you’d swing your arm closest to your attacker over their arm in your hair, capturing it with yours, bending your elbow as much as you can and push up with it. This forces the attackers’ arm to bend at an unnatural angle. You can punch them and then disengage to get help.” Rinse and repeat like with the first two.

  “Let’s take a quick break and have some more water, these next two are going to be the hard ones.” Heath stops us and deals out that wonderful news.

  “Move four is if your attacker has gotten you to the ground and is in what we will call a mounted position. In the case that your attacker tries to choke you, I want you to wrap your legs around my hips bringing me in close. Second, grab the opposite elbow in each of your hands and push down with your arms. Next, raise your legs over my shoulders and cross your ankles behind my head, while holding my arms down and lifting your hips up. This bends the attackers’ elbow backward. It only takes around nine pounds of pressure to break the human elbow, making this highly effective.” This move has me on edge due to it being a typical position for sex.

  “I have some concerns with this one. When I was with… Jason, some of the rapes were in this position. This has me nervous I might start to panic.” I voice my worries to Heath.

  “I know, that’s why I want to do this one with you. The first three are the easy ones. This and the next one is going to be harder because they’re both triggering positions for you. But once you can work through your fears, with my help, the goal is to empower you to overcome them. I’ll go as slow as you need Nora, and we can stop at any time. There is no rush in this. Let me know when you’re ready to start.” Heath reassures me.

  God, how did I attract these amazing men? For having a short fuse, he sure is displaying infinite amounts of patience with me right now. I draw in a deep breath in through my nose and hold it for a count of five (it’s quickly becoming my new favorite number), then slowly let it out of my mouth.

  “Okay, I’m ready to start.”

  Heath nods and I lay on my back on the mat. We start and things go fine until he wraps my neck in his hands. A flash back draws me into my past and my breathing becomes rapid with my fear. I vaguely hear Heath calling me back with the song State Of My Head by Shinedown. He’s not as good as Silas or even Flynn, but he’s also nowhere near as bad as Kyle. It takes several more times of us stopping to get me back in the right state of mind, before we can make it all the way through this move even once. After we do, Heath moves off me, gets me water and brings it back, dropping to his knees before he gets too close.

  “Thanks.” I drink the water, gulping it down until I’ve drained my reusable bottle. He takes it from me and goes to get more, bringing it back again. I drink this round much slower and try to catch my breath. What we are doing isn’t very tasking physically, but mentally I’m drained.

  “Ready to go again?” I’m no
t, not really, but I can’t quit and let my fear control me any longer.

  “Yeah, let’s go again.” We both get back into position, this time is only slightly easier, and we still have to stop often. After around the fifth time something inside me clicks and we make it through without having to stop. Heath’s smile is blinding.

  “You did it, Sweetheart. I’m so damn proud of you!” He checks with me before we start the muscle memory portion. It’s not perfect, but with only minor hiccups, we commit it to my muscle memory until I can do it on instinct.

  “Do you think you can handle one more move? This one will be with me behind you in a standing position.” I really don’t want to but I feel better after getting that last move down.

  “At least go over it with me, if we don’t get very far can we start it again in our next appointment?” I’m not sure how this will go and my unease leaks into my voice.

  “Nora, these lessons are all about going at your pace and what you can handle. We can do what you are comfortable with, always.” I get a feeling that he’s not just talking about my self-defense.

  “Okay, explain it to me and we can go from there.”

  “In this scenario, you’re grabbed from behind with someone wrapping their arm around your neck in a loose choke hold. First thing is you want to prevent yourself from getting choked. So, you grab your attackers’ wrists, pinning them to your chest as best you can, then squat down, making yourself heavier to them. This is important, always make sure your face is turned to your shoulder without your attackers’ arm over it. Now slide your butt out to the side of the arm your attacker has over your shoulder and stick it out while moving your opposite foot behind the attackers’ leg closest to you. Making sure your leg is in the middle of theirs. Bend your knees and grab their knee behind the bend of their knee, pick them up and drop them down. In that lowered position, your center of gravity is much lower making picking them up, even if they’re bigger than you, like me, easier. Dropping them will knock the wind from them and cause pain, enabling you time to run and get help.

  “Go over that one more time, please.” I request, he does, and I think I’ve got the concept down. “Okay let’s try it, slowly, please.” We assume our positions with Heath talking to me through it the entire time, trying to help me stay in the present. Even with that, I get a flashback the moment he presses his body to mine and wraps his arm around my neck.

  “My little whore, do you like that? Mmmmm… Yeah, I can feel your excitement…” Jason’s voice slithers down my spine. I’ve no idea how he thinks I have liked anything he’s done to me. I haven’t, I’ve actually thrown up in my mouth several times since this all began…

  When I make it back to reality, Heath has us sitting on the mat with me in his lap and he’s in the middle of singing Breathing Oxygen by Zayde Wolf. We sit like that until my breaths even out, which takes a significant amount of time.

  When I’m ready, I let Heath know, “Okay I think I’m good.” I pat his elbow, resting my head on his broad shoulder.

  “Okay, let’s stop here for today. We can pick up with this move in our next appointment.” My relief is immediate and I sag farther against him. “Oh, Sweetheart, you don’t have to push yourself so hard, so fast. We don’t want to cause any mental setbacks with your self-defense training.”

  “I’m tired of being afraid and not knowing when something might trigger another panic attack. I might have pushed myself today but it was worth it. I’ll be fine after I get some rest, I’m sure.”

  “Okay, let’s go get some lunch, then I’ll take you home and you can get some rest. Do you think you’ll feel up to having Sara over for dinner tonight?” He stands, helping me up, and we go out to get Cain then grab lunch.

  4 Sara’s Story

  Home by Machine Gun Kelly, X Ambassadors and Bebe Rexha

  After a quick lunch, we get back to Heath’s loft. I climb the stairs up to his bed and lay down to take a nap, with Cain in the bed next to me. Heath brought some of the Flex paperwork home to work on while I rest. I quickly fall into the oblivion that only sleep can provide; my mental exhaustion is so immense.

  A pair of warm calloused hands touching me on my foot, moving up my leg brings me into wakefulness. I make a noise in my throat that is a mix of a purr and a moan, due to the feeling the hands on my body creates.

  “Sweetheart, if you want to have some time before my sister gets here to freshen up, you need to do it now, she’ll be here in about half an hour.” While he’s talking to me, he’s also giving me a mini massage along my calves and feet, it’s sublime, and I have no incentive at all to move from the bed.

  “If you keep doing that I’m never moving.” My voice is muffled from being in the pillow. With a chuckle, the bed dips from his weight where he sits on the edge next to my hip. A playful slap to my rump makes me jump and prop up on my elbows. The sting is slight and sends a surprising wave of heat straight to my pelvis area.

  “Up, or suffer the consequences.” Mmmm… I love it when his playful side comes out; it’s rare but so much fun.

  “Promises, promises. You talk a big game, but can you deliver, G Man?” I tease him, jumping on his vibe, as a sly smirk streaks across my face.

  “Oh, tsk tsk… Nora, you shouldn’t throw down a challenge unless you know you’ll win, and you’re sure gonna lose, that’s a promise.” His voice gets even deeper than normal, rocking up my already aroused state. He turns and flops on his back, causing Cain to jump off the bed and amble down the stairs. I giggle as he pulls me on top of him. My hips resting over his, I hold myself away, not sure if I should drop my weight on him. Heath solves my dilemma by pulling my mouth down, my body following his, giving me a slow sweet kiss, which builds up to steamy without me knowing how it happened. Getting so lost in the kiss that when I find my way back, I can feel his reaction to me against my core. Good goodness, what a sizeable reaction it is too! My face must convey my shock, because I can feel Heath’s chuckle everywhere my body is pressed to his.

  “What were you saying, Miss Molano?” Heath teases me. His soft gray eyes capture mine as he gets serious on me, “This only ever goes as far as you want it. When we are together, you set our pace, you’re in charge. Now tell me you understand, then I’m yours to do with as you wish.” His hands hold my hips in place, stopping me from squirming.

  “I understand, but I… I don’t know what to do, Heath. I’ve… I’ve never been… After all that’s happened to me, I never dated and have no positive experiences, aside from the few kisses since I’ve met you guys.” Why is this so hard to talk about? They already know the most horrible things from my past, talking about something as natural as sex shouldn’t be so difficult. My back is taut like a bowstring ready to fire an arrow. Sliding his hands from my hips up my sides, teasing along my neck, to rest on my jaw, he stares into my eyes as he gives me a big dose of beauty.

  “That prick better hope I never meet him.” He takes a deep breath and lets it out, “All you have to do is whatever you want, if I don’t like it or am not comfortable with it, I’ll tell you. Because that is how things should be between two adults in a consenting, romantic, relationship. If you have questions, don’t be embarrassed to ask me, there’s nothing you can ask that will make me think of you differently. I would be honored to help you discover exactly how beautiful a physical relationship can be between a man and a woman, Sweetheart. Always…” God, he’s so damn amazing, my tears leak out of the corner of my eyes, trickling down my face.

  I can’t hold myself up under the weight of the words he just gave to me, so I let my torso fall to his and just curl into his warmth, letting the moment sink into my skin. Placing one of his hands on the back of my head and the other on the small of my back, Heath holds me until we hear a knock on the door and Cain alerts us a visitor is at the door.

  “I’ll let her in so you can have another minute to yourself, Sweetheart.” Sitting up, taking me along for the ride, Heath turns and sets me on the bed. With one hand along
the side of my face, he gives me one last look then heads down the stairs to let Sara in. I inhale a deep breath (I can do that now since my ribs are mostly healed) and get my shit together before I head downstairs to have dinner with the Griffin siblings.

  Dinner goes smoothly as we laugh and they tell me stories from when they were kids. Heath made fresh grilled salmon in a lemon marinade, with jasmine rice and fresh green beans. Nothing too heavy was discussed.

  “You did not!” I’m astonished that Heath would’ve ever done such a thing. Sara just told me about a time when she used her hot pink fingernail polish to paint hearts and flowers all over Heath’s sparring shorts before a big competition when he was ten. He had to compete while wearing them like that during the entire competition (he went pretty far, winning several matches until he finally got beat in the semifinals). It was in retaliation, when he told her crush that she still plays dress up. It sounded more to me like she was just a girl discovering a love of clothes, but that’s not how Heath made it sound when he ousted it to her crush.

  “She did! I don’t call her a Little Hellion without cause.” The grin on his face and affection in his voice tells me that his love for his sister runs deep and it’s said in love and teasing. It’s times like these when I wish I had a sibling.

  “You deserved much more after embarrassing me like that, you were such an annoyingly insufferable little brother.” Sara’s also got a smile on her face and laughter in her voice, letting me know she doesn’t mean it in a bad way.

  Cain gives a soft woof announcing he needs to go out for a bathroom break. Heath and I start to stand before he gives me a look that says I’ll be walking Cain over his dead body. I sit back down and mock glare back at him as he passes me. He squats down next to my chair and cups the back of my head with his hand pulling me to him for a kiss before he leaves. It’s just a quick peck of lips, but it feels like a big thing to do in front of his sister.