In fact, Kali was still not in the frame of mind to do anything about it. But he could not tolerate the cow’s antics. Since it had not eaten for two days and had been bellowing non-stop, the volume of milk it produced had diminished. If the rope tether had been an old and frayed one, the cow would have definitely torn itself away. He hit it with a stick, saying, ‘You are so horny, huh? I think I have pampered you too much, given you too much food. That’s why you are demanding a bull now.’ It ran around the cattle shed to avoid the blows, but it never stopped bellowing.
And Seerayi too nagged him. ‘Why can’t you take it for mating? If you can’t do that, what is the point in us having cattle? What do we do for the curd we need to mix with our pap?’ But Kali did not budge.
Finally, she said, ‘All right then, I will take the cow tomorrow for mating. The problem is, if it has to be me, it will have to be later in the day. I have a pregnant woman at home. I need to cook some food for her to eat. But the day would be well on its way by then. If we go early, they would let our cow be the first one to mate with the bull. Usually, the first two or three cows get the best semen, and those cows get pregnant quite soon. If the bull has already mated with four or five cows, the semen will be diluted, and we can’t be sure the cow will get pregnant. Then we might have to do this all over again. I hear that they are now charging one rupee per cow. How many times can we spend that kind of money?’ Then she added, ‘Instead of giving birth to him, I could have given birth to a grinding stone. That would have been useful for grinding and pounding things. What do I do with him?’
Kali did not want to put her through all that trouble, so he took the cow and set out very early in the morning. He had to walk quite a distance, three villages away. The bull was in Tharanur. And that was the preferred bull in the entire region. It was a lot of work raising and taking care of bulls meant for mating purposes. You had to attend to the bull all morning. There was no way you could rush away to the fields. And it was no easy task pulling and dragging and tethering those bulls. It required a very strong man for the job. This was why no one wanted to raise a bull. If they got a good bull calf, they had it castrated before it started mounting cows, and turned it into an ox. The cow was now trotting ahead of him, and he had to restrain it by pulling at the rope. This was the same cow he had to drag out to the pastures every day.
It had been two months since Ponna had seen Kali. She stayed put in the house. Seerayi brought him news of her. Ponna’s retching continued. She woke up late in the mornings. And since no food really stayed in her stomach for too long, she had grown thin and pale. She cried now and then. Seerayi told him that Ponna looked like a frayed old sari. Each day, she would try to persuade Kali to visit Ponna: ‘She will feel better if you come and see her just once. You have stopped talking, we know that. I will just tell myself that I gave birth to a mute son. So you don’t have to talk. Come and look at her from a distance. It will give her strength. The child is going to take your name. It will be Kaliyappan’s son or daughter. I am saying it is going to be a boy, but she says she wants a girl. She says, it has been just one boy each for the last three generations in this family, so let it be a girl this time. We should not let her suffer when she is in this condition, da. Come and see her once. If you don’t want to do this for her, do it for me.’
Despite these daily entreaties, he could not bring himself to go. When Ponna used to come to the fields to work, he could at least see her from a distance. Even though he was angry at her, he felt good that he was still able to see her. But now he did not want to actively seek her out. No matter what she said about it, she now carried a faceless stranger’s child. And Kali was the father just for name’s sake. She needed Kali to give the child a father’s name. That was all. It didn’t matter whether it was going to be a boy or a girl. It would be Ponna’s child. It was another man’s child. Kali had nothing to do with it. He was still not able to get rid of that image of some other man’s body lying over Ponna’s, occupying every inch of her body. It crept up on him frequently and tormented him. He was confused about what he should do. He wondered if he could just spend the rest of his life confined to the barnyard, or if he could go away somewhere. He could not decide on anything. And he performed all his tasks disinterestedly.
It was all lush and green in the fields. This would be a good time to cut some grass and bundle it up in bales, so that the cows would have something to munch on in the summer. He could also find leaves and shoots for the sheep. But Kali wasn’t even taking the cattle out to graze on the sides of the maize fields. He just wanted to lie about and do nothing. However, since he wanted to be considerate to his mother, he forced himself to carry out a few tasks. Even though he did not respond to anything she said, she continued chatting with him tirelessly. Sometimes he did not want to listen to her, so he went and stood in a corner of the barn. Even then she followed him there and sustained her chatter. He wondered if she could ever shut up, but his mind did compose answers for all her questions. It was not an easy task to make the mind accept things.
His mother told him that the people in the village were beginning to say that there were troubles in Kali and Ponna’s marriage. There were even people who came all the way to the barnyard to talk to him. He found it very tiring even to respond to them in a word or two and send them on their way. He was able to manage only because he already had a reputation for being a man of few words. Seerayi had told everyone that he visited Ponna at night. All these complications would end if Ponna resumed her visits to the fields. Kali was beginning to feel restless in the barnyard; he did not want to be there. He wanted to run away. But where could he go? What could he do?
When he reached his destination with the cow, he realized that they were the first to arrive that morning. The bull sniffed out the cow even from a distance, and it started bellowing and pulling at its rope. The wind had evidently carried the cow’s fragrance all the way to the beast. The wind had a way of spreading the scent of lust everywhere. The man of that house was called the Bullman. Since they had been in that business for over two or three generations, even their house was referred to as the Bullmen’s house. He had a labourer who took care of the bull and handled the mating. But the owner was also always present on these occasions. Very soon after Kali arrived there with his cow, another man got there with his cow in tow. He asked that his cow be the first one to mate. He said the cow had not got pregnant even after mating with a bull two or three times. Kali wondered if the owner of the bull would let the man mate his cow out of turn. But the owner was clear. He said it would be done in the order in which people arrived.
Kali’s cow stood welcoming and ready. No wonder, since it had been leaking from its vagina for two days, bellowing and struggling. When the bull came near the cow, it smelt its rear. The cow lifted its tail and urinated. The bull pulled its upper lip over its teeth and, displaying its teeth, drank the cow’s urine. When the flow of urine stopped, it suddenly leapt on to the cow. On just a single mounting, the cow hunched and cowered. The owner immediately asked him to move the cow away from the bull. When Kali hesitated, he said, ‘She got the first one. Once is enough.’
The other customer was upset that his cow had not been the first one to mate. He said to the owner, ‘What happened to the other bull you had?’
The owner replied, ‘We have tied it up in the field. That bull’s semen is not strong. This bull, on the other hand, has semen that looks thick like curd from buffalo milk. The other one’s is very watery. Cows that mated with it aren’t getting pregnant. That is why I have changed the bulls.’
The customer said, ‘But you are not selling the other bull?’
The owner replied, ‘Well, everyone has asked me to sell it, but it is a good bull, good breed. It is not easy to come by such bulls. So I have kept it for other tasks. And since it had mounted several cows, I took pity on it and did not castrate it. Once or twice a week, we get people who want their cows to be mated twice. For those cows, I bring out the other bull
for the second mating. Shall we do that for your cow?’
The man said, ‘Sure. I just want the cow to get pregnant.’
The owner said, ‘Let’s do that. If the cow’s body cools down, it will definitely get pregnant. That other bull will cool down any cow in just one push.’ And he laughed.
He then brought the other bull for the second round of mating. It was wonderful to simply look at that bull walking towards them. It had a steady hump, like a temple’s tower, that did not move at all as the bull walked. Kali kept staring at that majestic animal. It mounted the cow as soon as it arrived on the spot, but it did not mate right away. Kali was enjoying the lovely sight of the bull mounting the cow. Then he asked for his cow too to be mated with that bull. And his cow was delighted at the idea of mating with two bulls. At first, the bull’s penis did not enter the cow’s vagina easily. Then the owner had to intercede, holding the bull’s penis and placing it in the cow’s vagina. After that, this bull too mated with the same force as the other one. The cow shrank and cowered. The owner made the bull dismount right away. He told them that there were cows that completely collapsed. Kali paid the man for the job. He splashed some water on his cow’s back and rubbed it gently. Then he held it by the rope and started walking away. Now the cow was absolutely quiet as it had finally calmed down.
Even after he returned to the barnyard, Kali kept thinking of that bull he had seen earlier that day. So many thoughts crowded his mind. What a gorgeous bull it was. The hair on its head was perfectly curled—the sign of a high-quality animal. It was amazing to see it lifting its tail and protruding its penis. He had taken cows for mating several times before, but this was the first time he saw it all properly. The owner told them that the semen of that particular bull was not very good. How could he have found out? Sometimes a bull’s organ did not penetrate the cow’s vagina properly and the semen ended up spilling outside. Perhaps the owner had noticed some such thing happening with the animal. He also told them the other bull’s semen was thick like the curd made from buffalo milk. How did he know? Did he touch it and feel the texture? Or was he able to tell that the quality of semen was not very good for a particular bull because it was not successful in impregnating a cow in one attempt and people had to keep bringing their cows back for mating? Kali continued to think along these lines.
It was afternoon when Seerayi went home. After she left, Kali tied the thatched gate to the barnyard tightly. Then he lay down on the cot inside the hut. He removed his loincloth and held his cock in his hand. He was over thirty years old, but his cock still rose up like a snake. Whom should he think of now? He could not think of anyone other than Ponna. Her? He paused. Her lovely, smiling lips. Then she turned her head a little. The little hair on her earlobes that moved when his breath brushed past them. She closed her eyes. She always closed her eyes. No matter how many times he asked her to open her eyes, she wouldn’t. If they were having sex at night, she would open her eyes perhaps once. But if it was in the day, she would shut her eyes and not open them at all. That image of her was set firmly in his mind.
It had been years since he stopped masturbating. He used to do it a lot before he got married. The rope cot was a convenient place for that. It was Muthu who had told him about that. Muthu knew all sorts of things. When Kali asked him how he knew these things, he said, ‘I just know somehow.’ Since Kali had not masturbated in a long time, it did not take him too long to ejaculate. He held his semen in his hand and looked at it. Was it thick or watery? It had the bitter fragrance of neem leaves. It lay in his hand, sticky like phlegm. He touched it and thought about it for quite a while. But he could not come to any conclusion. Was it like thick curd? Should it be thicker? Was it diluted and watery?
He was reminded of that bull that was said to have watery semen. There was so much self-assurance in its gait, in the way it held its hump, in the arrogance in its eyes. It was a very attractive animal. But although it was a strong animal that made the cow buckle and cower under it, it could not impregnate it successfully. Kali compared himself to that animal, and sighed deeply. Kesan, a man in the village, once said about Kali, ‘He is great to look at, but not good at the task.’ Was he right then? But Kali did not think he was bad at the task. It was his semen that was the problem. He could only ask about it to the god who made it. But where could he find god so that he could ask him about it? If Kali had managed to die, perhaps he could have gone to heaven, caught hold of god—by wrapping his towel around god’s neck—before asking that question. But that had not worked out.
He suddenly felt an increased sense of respect for the bull’s owner. Not only had the man not castrated the bull, he was also giving the bull a chance now and then. Would Ponna too accept Kali out of pity from now on? Why did she close her eyes when they made love? The compassion in her eyes would perhaps betray the fact that she was only being charitable to a poor, useless creature.
SEVENTEEN
It was the month of Margazhi. Even before dusk, mist started falling like a smoke screen. Kali had braved worse mists and fogs in his youth. But he was not able to do that any more. Even the sheep and cattle were sniffling and had runny noses. It looked like being under the portia tree was not enough shelter from the weather for the cows and oxen. As for the sheep, even though they had their thatched roof in the enclosure, they were still affected by the mist. It also grew dark very quickly these days, and it settled like a dense honeycomb.
Ponna had started coming to the fields during the day. She walked around a bit. Kali was able to see her from the barn. He saw her belly had started growing and she walked pushing it a little to the front. The brinjal plants she had tended to were still bearing fruits, but not like before. Now the leaves ripened and fell. When Kali happened to see them in that state once, he took pity on them and tended to them a little. He sprinkled some ash on the leaves. And he also made a shelter for them from the mist with palmyra and coconut fronds. When Ponna saw that, it made her very happy.
Ponna was so amazed at the way he was caring for the brinjals that she could not stop talking about it to Seerayi. Kali had asked his mother not to walk all the way to the barnyard in that weather, carrying lunch for him. Instead, he went to the house to eat every day. Since Kali had not gone to the house at all for the past three or four months, their neighbour Porasa had made a note of it and shared it with the entire village. When people asked Seerayi about it, she said, ‘He only comes at night. He is a nocturnal creature. They both stay up talking into the night. I don’t know at what time he leaves.’
It had started raining in the month of Purattaasi, and by Aippasi and Karthikai, the rains were quite heavy. In those months, people were in the habit of returning home and closing the doors early. So they were able to reply to Porasa when she brought up Kali’s absence: ‘Apparently he comes at night like an owl. But you shut your door early and sleep. Then how would you know?’
Besides, since this was the season when everyone had a lot of work to do, no one had the time for idle gossip. Seerayi once picked up an argument with Porasa: ‘Why is it any of your business? I hear you are telling everyone that Kali does not come home? How do you know? For all three meals he eats the food my daughter-in-law makes. And when she goes to the fields, they talk to each other. Then he comes here at that time of the day when you shut your door and sleep like a corpse. If you don’t believe me, go to the barnyard and check with him yourself. Why do you care so much about other people’s shit? Mind your own!’
Porasa always addressed Seerayi as ‘Atthai’. She said, ‘Atthai, why would I talk to people about it? They are not innocent. They try to gossip, extract information from me. Then they tell people I told them things. A couple of them asked me on their own if Kali was coming to the house. I told them I did not get to see him myself but he came at night. They are now decorating that statement and spreading it around. I have a lot of work to do these days. My children spend a little time every day playing pallankuzhi with Ponna. That is why I am able to do my work
in peace. Why would I speak ill of Ponna? I am only happy that Ponna has conceived a child after so many years of marriage. But do you think people mind their own business? There are people who even say Ponna got the child by going to the temple festival. Tongues are wagging in all directions.’
Seerayi was not going to let that remark go. ‘Who has the standing and right to talk about my family? Don’t I know which women in the village are going to which men? I can break it down into details if they want. These bitches, they walk out of the house as if they are going to pee, but they go elsewhere and hitch up their saris. And they talk about us? In all these years, did anyone say anything bad about us? That is because they all thought this was heirless property they could scramble to fight over later. Now since they know that cannot happen, they are speaking ill of us. These women have to keep their mouths shut. Otherwise, I will expose all of them and humiliate them in front of the entire village. Tell them not to mess with me!’
It was a quiet night, and Seerayi had spoken very loudly. Everyone in the village must have heard it. Some elderly women came by and asked, ‘What happened, Seera?’ Porasa went into her house and closed the door.
Seerayi appealed to the paattis’ sense of fairness. They said, ‘Oh, don’t worry about it. People always need something to talk about. Why do you even take them seriously? Go and focus on important things.’
Ponna said to her, ‘Don’t respond to them, Atthai. If they know we care, they will keep talking. Why are you shouting at this time of the night?’
The old women then said, ‘See, even your daughter-in-law agrees. So drop the subject. People will say whatever they want. We don’t need to take it seriously.’
Seerayi was somewhat assuaged by all their remarks.
Then one of the paattis said, ‘Do you know the things people in this village said about me long ago? Do you know how much I struggled to recover from all their gossips and rumours?’ And she began to tell her story. So everyone settled down on the porch to listen and chat. They ended up sleeping right there on the porch that night, and dispersed only in the morning.
Trial by Silence Page 10