Since he did not want to upset his mother, Kali went to the house and brought some food in a carrier. There were some leftovers from lunch, which he diluted and fed to the dog. But he did not even bother to open the carrier he had brought from home. He hung it in its place in the hut and went and lay down on the cot. He felt quite dizzy, but he still could not fall asleep. He just lay awake, eyes closed. And he could not avoid wondering how lovely it would be to have Ponna with him there on such cold nights. At the feast, he had managed to catch a glimpse of her when she was not looking. She had gone quite thin, and one could begin to discern the shapes of her bones through her skin. Only her stomach was big. There was no freshness or sparkle in her face. In fact, she was pale as a white-washed wall. She had always been a little fair-skinned, but now she seemed to have lost all colour. Seeing her up close like that after so long, he had started imagining her body next to his every night. No matter how much he tried to keep her away from his thoughts, she climbed right back into his heart. And it got worse in the winter. The cot’s frame seemed to crack under the additional weight.
In the past, he always asked Ponna to stay in the barn for the entire winter season. She’d say, ‘I cannot do it every day, Maama. My entire body goes sore.’ And he would say, ‘Just come and lie next to me.’ If she insisted on going back home for the night, he’d say, ‘I have a good story for you tonight. I will tell you if you stay. It is up to you. Go if you want.’ But she could not resist a story. ‘All right, tell me,’ she’d say, and settle down to listen. But he wouldn’t get to the story so quickly. He had different stories for different seasons. He had a particular story for winter. Even though she had heard that story from him several times, she still liked listening to it.
Kali now got drunk precisely to avoid thinking about her. Every time he sensed the intoxication wearing off, he drank more. He now worried that he would soon come to take pity on her. These days, that other face he used to picture being intimate with Ponna had not been bothering him much. Now he laboured hard to bring it to his mind. He deliberately visualized that face going close to Ponna’s face. Earlier, that face sneaked up on him on its own and terrorized him. But now he wanted to summon it himself. Otherwise, he was afraid that he might end up making peace with Ponna.
What could be going on in her mind? He had been having sex with her for so many years, but he could not give her a child. The other man had accomplished it in just one day. Clearly, she would compare them both. Whom would she prefer? Whose face would have made the deeper impression on her? He might have spent many years with her, but why would she hold in her heart the face of a useless man? It must definitely be the other face which had managed to alleviate her troubles. She wouldn’t be able to dispel it from her mind. Wouldn’t she recollect that other face even if Kali went near her? She wouldn’t be able to think of Kali without also thinking of the other man. She would superimpose that other face on Kali’s. Kali would certainly not have any place in her mind any more. Only that stranger would. Only he could make Ponna happy now.
What did that man look like? Was he bigger than Kali in physical appearance? Tall or short? Dark or fair-skinned? Did he have a mane of hair that sprang from his head and rolled down all the way to his waist? Did he have bushy eyebrows? Was he a man of few words too? Ponna always wanted Kali to talk more. Did that mean she had sought out a man who talked a lot? Did he regale her with stories all night? Would he have also known the kind of stories Kali knew? Ponna used to find great joy in tickling Kali on his waist. Would she have done the same thing to that other man? And if she had, did Kali come to her mind at the time? What did she do then? Did she chase him away? He could not give her a child no matter what he did. She would not even consider him a man any more.
The other man who had taken possession of her that night—no matter how he looked, no matter what his background, no matter where he was from—he was the one who now had a place in her mind. She would definitely have found out his name and his village. She might even go meet him sometime. She had had a taste of him, so she wouldn’t let him go, would she? Why, when Kali found toddy from a new tree, he went back for more and more. The same way, she too wouldn’t forget the new toddy she had experienced. She would even go looking for it. Kali rose from the cot and drank what was left of the toddy.
There was a story that Kali once told Ponna in the winter.
There was this man who had been married for four or five months. One winter, he and his wife went to his mother-in-law’s place for some occasion. His wife warned him in advance. ‘You should not keep pestering me there. You should control yourself, all right?’ He nodded his head like an obedient child. There was only one room in his mother-in-law’s house. And since she had two or three daughters, who had children of their own, all the womenfolk slept inside the house in that room. He had a cot out on the porch. They gave him two blankets, but he still felt quite cold. He tried wrapping them tightly around himself, but they were simply not enough—the chill of the night assaulted him like needles. He could not fall asleep. Earlier that night, since the son-in-law was visiting, they had soaked rice and ulundhu lentils, ground them into a batter and made dosais for him. Nice big dosais. He had eaten nearly ten dosais, and that overindulgence now kept him awake.
It was a moonlit night. The moonbeams leapt into the mist and created an intoxicating ambience. The man was waiting for his wife to step out of the house to go pee. And quite a while later, she did, just as he had anticipated. He pulled her close and made her lie down next to him on the cot. She warned him again, ‘We are just going to lie down here.’ He agreed, but he could not control himself for too long. He started feeling her up. Perhaps because he had been horny for so many hours, he could not control himself at all. He finished with the deed quickly and went to the backyard.
The man sleeping on the porch in the house across the street was also having a hard time falling asleep. The cold was tormenting him too. So he lay awake and watched the action that went on here. He saw that the husband had stepped away, but the wife was still lying on the cot. He took this as a cue, and decided to try his luck. She lay with her eyes closed. He lay on top of her and completed the job. She went back into the house. The husband was still cleaning himself in the backyard. Then he stood about, chewing tobacco and looking at the moon. When he felt he was ready to have another go, he returned to the porch. But she had already gone back in. So he thought perhaps that was all for the night, and went to sleep.
Having seen her son-in-law gobble down ten dosais the night before, the mother-in-law understood he was very fond of dosais. So she had arranged for more dosais to be made the next morning. His wife made the dosais for him. He asked his wife in code, ‘So how was the dosai last night?’ She said, ‘The first one was not good, but the second one was great.’ He was utterly confused. ‘The second one?’ he asked. She said, ‘Yes, the second dosai.’ But, he wondered, when he had been ready to make the second ‘dosai’ the night before, she had already gone back into the house. How then? The man from across the street was listening to this exchange between husband and wife. He was standing outside, brushing his teeth with a twig. He now decided to participate in the conversation, and said, ‘Oh, don’t worry about it. The pan was still hot, so I decided to make a dosai for myself. That was the second dosai. Shall we make some dosais tonight as well?’
Kali had another version of this story too.
When the husband was expecting the wife to step outside the house, his mother-in-law emerged instead. He dragged her to the cot without realizing his mistake. And since she did not want to refuse her son-in-law, she obliged. That was a different experience for him. She was loose on top and tight down there. But he did not brood on it at that hour and in the dark. It comforted him on that cold night. So he indulged himself. The next day, they discussed it over dosai. He asked his wife, ‘Last night, the first dosai was a bit loose and raggedy, perhaps because it was made with batter from the top. But the one made with batter from be
low was firm. How come?’ She had no idea what he was talking about. ‘You ate ten dosais last night. Then why are you complaining about loose top ones and tight bottom ones now?’ He said, ‘I mean the dosai we made later on a different pan.’ Even then she failed to understand.
The mother-in-law, who was listening to this conversation, now intervened, ‘Yes, my son-in-law ended up making his dosai in the wrong pan last night. The batter was all right. The pan was the problem. It was an old pan, that’s why the first dosai fell apart. But even though it was an old pan, it was still used to the job, and that’s why the dosai was firm at the bottom.’
TWENTY
His uncle Nallayyan arrived at the barnyard on Maattu Pongal, the day of the harvest festival when the focus is on the cattle. He was Kali’s uncle on his father’s side of the family. He had never married. He did a little farming in the land he had got as part of his inheritance, but he also frequently dropped everything and went abroad for most of the year. Sometimes he brought along a woman and kept her with him for a little while. He had his own way of doing things and never cared for what others said. Kali and he were quite close. He was sort of a distant paternal uncle to Kali. If Nallayyan happened to be in town, he always came over to the barnyard to spend some time chatting with Kali. He often also stayed there for a few days. Kali was very glad that Nallayyan Uncle landed up on that day in particular. He was in no mood to celebrate Pongal, but Seerayi had told him strictly that he just had to. They had never missed celebrating a single Pongal ever since Kali started doing his own farming.
When things were going well for them, when the barnyard was thriving with animals, why stop the tradition of offering pongal? ‘You anyway wash the animals every day,’ said Seerayi. ‘So there is no extra work for you in this. Cooking pongal is women’s task. We have a pregnant woman in the house, so we have to offer pongal and do the right thing.’ Kali was apprehensive about Ponna’s visit to the barnyard that day. He never asked her to stop coming there. The day she had read his lips and realized he had called her a whore, she ran out of there and had never set foot in the place since. She did come to the fields, however, and did some work there and also spent time just sitting and resting. Why couldn’t she do the sitting inside the barn? She acted as if he had deliberately kept her away. Maybe she was afraid that if she entered the barn, she might hear the word ‘whore’ again. He wondered if she would step inside today, and thought about how he might react if she did. But, thankfully, Nallayyan Uncle showed up at the right time. He didn’t know what Seerayi might have said to Ponna to convince her to come.
For Maattu Pongal, they always started the cooking only after dark. Ponna arrived after Seerayi had started things. She walked in slowly, dispelling the dark. Kali was minding his chores, feeding the cattle. He had let them graze to their heart’s content that day. ‘We cannot allow our suffering to reflect on how we treat these animals,’ he thought. The two women busied themselves with preparing the pongal. Right when his mother called out to him to start making the offering to the deities, they heard a voice saying, ‘You have one more person to eat the pongal.’ And Nallayyan Uncle walked in, bearing two sugar canes.
Seerayi welcomed him and said incredulously, ‘People in the village have been saying you went abroad and were killed in a road accident. But you are alive!’
‘Come, Uncle,’ said Ponna softly.
Kali smiled at him quietly, but Nallayyan could not see that. He said, ‘How come our son here does not say anything?’
‘I did smile at you. You didn’t see it,’ replied Kali.
Nallayyan Uncle teased him: ‘When you smile in the dark, even you can’t be sure if you are smiling. That is as good as saying the cat is smiling in the backyard! Who’d know? Besides, do you think you are so fair-complexioned that your teeth are sparkling white, that your smile would glow in the dark?’
Before they began the prayers and the pongal offering, Kali stepped aside to swathe the animals in frankincense smoke. He took some glowing hot coals in a spatula and added a little frankincense powder on it to produce some smoke. The fragrance spread everywhere. It was an iron spatula. He held the end with the piece of cloth draped over his shoulder so that it wouldn’t burn his hand. Seerayi took some pongal out of the cooking pot and set it down on a plate for offering to the deities, and she said to Uncle, ‘Where did you go? It must have been six months since we saw you last, right?’ They all knew that Nallayyan liked to narrate stories of his travels in detail. Both Ponna and Kali were now eager to listen to some of his stories.
‘Six months?’ he exclaimed. ‘It has been eight months. I hated this place and never wanted to return. But now my daughter-in-law here is pregnant. So I came back to see you all happy. Once the child is born, these two cannot be with each other like they used to. He would want her, but she should say, “Wait, the baby is crying.” She won’t even let him pull her by the hand. She’d use the baby as an excuse. He too would be hesitant to do much in front of the baby. I tell everyone not to have children. But who listens? Never mind. If this is what makes you happy, so be it.’
‘Who wouldn’t want children?’ countered Seerayi. ‘You are a strange fellow. You want nothing. But we have families and fields to take care of. How would we survive without children?’
‘Yes, indeed. It is children who are responsible for my running away from the village. Both my younger brothers have shat out so many children! When I look at them, I feel very old. It feels like it was only yesterday when they were all tiny. But now they are all ready to get married. I had gone out of town once, and by the time I returned, the older of my two brothers had married off one daughter. Now the other one is ready too. And his son is so burly, he looks taller than me. The other brother too is looking for brides for his two sons. His daughter is very young. But those two boys, they look like rocks. And these dogs covet my share of the inheritance. All they want to do is breed. Someone else must earn and give them their wealth! Now they have an eye on my property. They say I am quite old. Seera, I am younger than you. You married my brother, so I call you a sister or a sister-in-law. I must be, what, fifty-five years old? Kali must be over thirty now. When he was born, I must have been twenty-five or something.’
Seerayi kept everything ready for the prayers and the offering. Kali returned to the spot after walking around with frankincense smoke among the cattle and sheep. She said, ‘In the month of Maasi, Kali will complete thirty-three and enter thirty-four. All right, come, let’s pray.’ Kali touched and circled the water in a little vessel with his fingers. He then lit a piece of camphor and made the offering. Ponna quickly touched the camphor flame and placed those fingers over her eyelids. Then she took some holy ash from the plate he was holding up, put some on her forehead, and moved away, all the while keeping her head down. When she moved closer to him, he’d fixed his gaze on the portia tree. Seerayi then picked up the pot of the offering and handed it over to Kali. He walked away with it to feed the cattle first. The two oxen relished such food. He fed them and gave a little to the calf.
Seerayi resumed the conversation. ‘So then, why are you talking about age now?’
He said, ‘Let me tell you why. There is a woman in Sellur they are asking me to marry. The thing is, she was married before, but her husband died just five months after the wedding. They say someone beat him to death. The girl has a large family. She has five brothers. And they are all determined to get her married again. One of them in particular is a member in that progressive political party. Its leader advocates widow remarriage, doesn’t he? She is only twenty-five. I am thinking of marrying her.’
Seerayi said, ‘But why do you want to marry a widow?’
‘Why not? There are so many communities in which widows can marry again. Why should we care? The brothers say they are unable to look at their sister wearing white. I’d readily marry her, but I am not sure if running a family and all that suits me. I know one of the brothers. He says, “You go and come as you please. My sister will
take care of the fields. Besides, we are all here too, so we will help.” All this makes me want to say yes. I am thinking about it. A man can go to a thousand women. But she married and lived with one man. There is nothing wrong with her.’
Kali said, ‘Sure, sure. If the brothers themselves are asking you to marry her, do it happily. You will also be giving a new life to the woman. And you will get a family too. If all five brothers-in-law help out, you can live a luxurious life. Then you won’t even think of going abroad.’
‘See! Even you think this is a good idea. Then who are my brothers to object? If I marry her, I will have five brothers-in-law to come running if I am ever in any trouble. So my brothers can threaten me as much as they want. I will just live quietly to a side. What more do I need in this old age?’
Seerayi said, ‘Don’t you know how hard the life of a widow is? They must be lucky to get her married to someone like you. I will come to the wedding!’
Kali said, ‘Uncle, but if you find a woman with a child, you won’t have to worry about getting her pregnant.’
‘You know nothing about the world, Kali,’ said Nallayyan. ‘You are like a frog in a well. Do you know what is happening in the world around? That bespectacled old man is negotiating with the white man. They are saying the white man is going to give back the country to us and leave in a year’s time. Do you know all this? Even the lizard crawling on your barnyard’s fence knows more than you do.’
Seerayi handed them each a plate of food. ‘Eat as you talk,’ she said. The pongal tasted very good with the green gram gravy. Then, turning to Nallayyan, she added, ‘I hoped my son would travel and know the world. I didn’t expect him to shut himself up here. Do give him some advice.’
‘My brothers now say, “If you bring a woman, we will hack you to death and bury you in the ragi fields.” They both have no scruples whatsoever. They want my share of the inheritance so badly that they are willing to send their wives to me. The two women come to me and bare their breasts. And they are fighting with each other over this! Both their breasts are so saggy that they look like their waist pouches. They brought those breasts and rubbed them on my face. I chased them away like dogs. They are all in this together—the husbands, the sons, the daughters. They think that if they show me their breasts, I will bequeath my property to them. That became a big argument between us, and I left town to get away from all that. Now I have made some arrangements to deal with all this. I found a lawyer and got my will written.’
Trial by Silence Page 12