My Neighbours Are Stealing My Mail

by Ian Edwards

  ‘I don’t think so,’ James said and turned to Amy. ‘Is there?’

  Amy shook her head. ‘I’m pretty sure there’s not.’

  ‘Anyway, he’s not in the house,’ James pointed out.

  Katherine frowned. ‘Not in the house...’

  ‘No, he’s in the garden.’

  ‘The garden?’ Katherine repeated, astonished that no one else round the table found this as horrific as she did.

  ‘Don’t look so concerned Katherine, he’s fine out there,’ Amy told her. ‘James has built him a Wendy House…’

  ‘Enchanted Castle,’ James corrected his wife.

  ‘Sorry, yes an Enchanted Castle. And he’s nicely fenced in so he can’t get out.’

  Katherine stared at Amy. ‘You have him fenced in?’

  Amy nodded. ‘We have to, otherwise he’ll roam around the garden eating the flowers and messing in the flower beds.’

  ‘Oh my God,’ Katherine muttered.

  James laughed. ‘It’s not as bad as it sounds.’

  ‘It’s not?’ Katherine said unconvincingly.

  James shook his head. ‘No, we just dig it in. It’s quite good for the roses.’

  Katherine stared open mouthed.

  ‘Would you like to see a picture of him?’ James asked, fishing his phone out of his pocket.

  Katherine nodded uncertain of the horror she was about to witness.

  James flicked through the pictures on the screen. ‘I’ve a got a great one here of Amy trying to sit on him.’

  An ashen faced Katherine took the phone from James and looked at the picture of the screen.

  ‘What’s this?’ she said.

  ‘It’s Charlie and Amy.’ James told her. ‘Amy’s the one on the left.’

  Katherine frowned, looked at the screen and turned back to James.

  ‘Charlie is an alpaca?’

  ‘He’s a llama.’

  ‘Oh, thank God.’

  ‘What’s up, Katherine?’ Harry asked.

  ‘I just assumed he was your son,’ Katherine blushed profusely.

  Alan’s laughter broke the silence. ‘That’s brilliant,’ he cried, tears streaming down his face.

  Harry put his arm round Katherine, trying hard to stifle a laugh.

  Jayne started giggling and within seconds everyone around the table was laughing.

  Only Rosie remained tight lipped, sitting impassively in her seat drinking wine.

  *

  ‘You’ve clearly enjoyed yourself.’

  Alan raised his bottle of beer to Frankie, who had appeared next to him on the sofa. The usual cool breeze that accompanied Frankie’s arrivals was a welcome distraction from the heat.

  ‘Can you do that again?’

  ‘Do what?’ Frankie asked.

  ‘The disappearing and reappearing thing. It sends a nice breeze over me.’

  Frankie disappeared and reappeared at the other end of the sofa. ‘How’s that?’

  Alan sighed. ‘Perfect, thanks. Can you do it again?’

  ‘Don’t push your luck, son.’ Frankie peered at Alan. ‘Are you drunk?’

  Alan sunk back into the sofa and closed his eyes. ‘Nicely relaxed.’

  ‘So what did I miss?’ Frankie asked. ‘After I got evicted.’

  ‘Nothing much.’

  ‘Everyone else as drunk as you?’

  ‘Not Amy and Harry. They’re driving.’ Alan closed his eyes. ‘James was smashed. He blamed it on having to drink on a stomach full of salad rather than proper food.’

  ‘Having to drink,’ Harry repeated. ‘I don’t understand you youngsters.’

  ‘He said he was just being sociable,’ Alan laughed. ‘James is a very sociable guy…’ He paused for a moment. ‘I’ll tell you what though…’

  ‘What’s that?’ Frankie asked.

  ‘I told Jayne about the neighbours stealing my post.’

  ‘If that was as good as the evening got no wonder everyone got drunk.’

  ‘Well, you know that Jayne’s a police officer?’

  Frankie nodded.

  ‘Well, she says that stealing post is a very serious crime.’

  ‘So she’s going to investigate it?’

  Alan rubbed his head. ‘I’m not sure. Things got a bit hazy after that.’

  ‘Who are you talking to?’ Rosie’s voice cut through Alan’s daze.

  Alan and Frankie peered over the back of the sofa. Rosie was standing in the doorway holding a black plastic rubbish sack.

  ‘No one,’ Alan lied. ‘I was singing.’

  ‘Jayne’s staying the night,’ Rosie told him. ‘She’s in no state to drive home.’

  ‘Did she mention investigating my missing post?’

  Rosie sighed. ‘I think she said something about wasting police time and asked you to stop persecuting the girls next door.’

  ‘You mean the lesbians,’ he mumbled under his breath as Rosie turned to leave the room.

  ‘What was that?’ She asked turning round.

  ‘I said I agree. Let’s try and be friends.’

  Frankie sniggered as Rosie gave Alan a long hard stare. ‘Good,’ she said.

  ‘She’s been in a funny mood all evening,’ Alan whispered to Frankie once Rosie had left the room.

  ‘I told you she was in a bad mood. I naturally assumed it was something you did.’

  Alan held his hands up in mock surrender. ‘Not me this time.’

  ‘That may well be the case but you’ll still end up getting the blame. Just like the time…’ Frankie’s attempt to recount one of Alan’s indiscretions was interrupted by Rosie’s return to the room.

  ‘I need you to do something for me,’ Rosie asked, sitting on the sofa beside Alan and Frankie.

  ‘Oh yeah,’ Alan exchanged looks with Frankie. ‘What’s that then?’

  ‘I need you to speak to Harry about Katherine.’

  ‘What about her?’ Alan asked.

  Rosie sighed. ‘Surely it’s obvious Alan. Even for you?’

  Alan shrugged.

  Rosie rolled her eyes. ‘She’s more than half his age.’

  ‘I know, I could see that. Sly old fox. I’m just not sure why you think it’s such a problem though?’

  ‘It’s…’ Rosie paused for a moment. ‘It’s not right.’

  Alan laughed. ‘If he was twenty four and seeing someone half his age that wouldn’t be right. But this…this is OK.’

  ‘Can you just speak to him, find out what’s going on. I’d hate him to get hurt.’ Rosie spoke softly. Alan much preferred it when Rosie was abrupt and snapped at him. That was so much easier to ignore.

  ‘OK. I’ll speak to him.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Rosie patted his arm and stood up. ‘I’ll see how Jayne is.’

  ‘Are you actually going to speak to Harry?’ Frankie asked.

  Alan waited for Rosie to leave the room before replying. ‘Of course I’ll speak to him.’

  ‘You’re going to quiz him about Katherine?’

  Alan shook his head. ‘No chance. I’m going to congratulate him and ask how he did it.’

  Chapter 14

  Harry reached into the boot and took out the large sports holdall. He slung it over his shoulder and closed the boot.

  Katherine stepped alongside him and thumbed the key fob locking the car. ‘You look nervous.’

  Harry sighed. ‘I suppose I am. Kind of.’

  She put her hand on his arm. ‘Relax, they’re only children.’

  ‘I know, that’s what I’m worried about.’

  ‘There’s no mystery. You’ve got kids. You know what they’re like.’

  ‘Yes, but that was a long time ago. Alan says kids these days are virtually feral. I’ll need my wits about me.’

  Katherine laughed. ‘Do you not think it possible that Alan is winding you up? I’ve only met him the once, but I got the impression that taking things seriously is not his strong point.’

  ‘I suppose so…shall we go then?’

 
; Katherine slipped her arm through his and led him across the car park and towards the school.

  ‘You do have Tommy don’t you?’ She asked as they crossed the playground.

  Harry patted the holdall. ‘Yes, safely packed in here. You know I feel strangely guilty about leaving Ernie behind. I’m sure he knew what was going on.’

  ‘You do know how creepy that sounds?’ Katherine laughed. ‘You were never not going to buy Tommy once you’d seen him sat in that charity shop window, and you did say he’d come in useful one day.’

  ‘I suppose you’re right,’ Harry conceded. ‘But we’ll still keep it a secret from him when we get back.’

  Katherine rolled her eyes. ‘Well you can’t back out now, there’s Amy.’

  Harry looked as Amy stood at the school entrance and gave them a wave.

  ‘Once more unto the breach,’ Harry said and waved back.

  *

  ‘Come in.’ The voice beckoned from beyond the door.

  Amy smiled at Harry and turned the handle. The door swung inward and she, Harry and Katherine entered the Headmaster’s office.

  ‘Amy, hello.’ The Headmaster said, walking around his desk to greet the newcomers. ‘And this must be Harry, pleased to meet you. I’m Stretton La Mon. I’m the Headmaster…for my sins.’

  Harry shook Stretton’s hand, a weak and slightly clammy experience that he didn’t quite care for.

  ‘…and who might this be?’ Stretton asked turning his attention to Katherine.

  ‘Hi, I’m Katherine,’ she offered her hand to Stretton. ‘I’m …’

  ‘Come to help your old dad out have you?’ He shook her hand. ‘Good to have you here. I was going to arrange for some coffee and tea afterwards. I’ll see if there’s any squash left over from lunch if you like.’

  Sensing a tidal wave of awkwardness about to wash across the office, Amy steered the conversation back to Harry. ‘Stretton, I thought you’d like to meet Harry before he does his turn for the children.’

  ‘Hhmm? Oh yes, yes, quite right.’ Stretton replied turning his attention back to Amy. ‘Harry, Amy says that you’re a ventriloquist, is that right?’

  Harry nodded. ‘Yes, I suppose I am.’

  ‘Excellent, Excellent. Nothing too blue I hope. These are kids after all.’ Stretton gazed back to Katherine who smiled pleasantly back.

  ‘Nope, clean as a whistle,’ Harry told him. ‘I’ve even bought my child friendly dummy. Tommy Tickles.’

  Amy nudged Katherine. ‘Where’s Old Man Ernie?’ She whispered.

  ‘Harrys got a new, slightly less creepy doll which shouldn’t scare the children…’ She paused, ‘…as much.’

  Harry unzipped his holdall, took Tommy out and sat him on Stretton’s desk. ‘This is Tommy. He’s more suited to children than Old Man Ernie.’

  ‘Good lord,’ Stretton gasped.

  Amy wasn’t quite sure what criteria Harry and Katherine had applied to Tommy to categorise him as child friendly. Perhaps it was the school uniform, complete with tie, blazer and cap. It was most certainly not because his eyes were a piercing blue set against a pale white skin with smartly cut blonde hair, putting her in mind of The Children From The Corn.

  ‘Is he Aryan?’ Stretton asked.

  Harry frowned and looked closely at Tommy. He shook his head. ‘No...I got him from a shop in Camden.’

  ‘He does look like he’s in the Hitler youth,’ Amy whispered to Katherine.

  ‘Fair enough then,’ Stretton said turning back to Harry. ‘OK. Are you any good?’

  ‘No not really,’ Harry said honestly. Seeing Stretton’s face drop, Harry added, ‘But that’s the point, the joke is that I’m not very good.’

  ‘He really is very funny, the children will love him.’ Amy said.

  Stretton frowned. ‘Yes, well I’m sure the children won’t notice. Some of them are…’ He paused for a moment catching sight of Amy’s scowl, ‘easily distracted.’

  ‘So Mr La Mon, is there anything I need to know beforehand? Anything I should be aware of?’

  ‘No, no, not at all, Harry,’ Stretton said dismissively with a wave of his hand. ‘Except maybe Rupert,’ he added.

  ‘The bear?’ Harry asked.

  ‘No Rupert the child. Lovely young boy, but best not get too close.’

  ‘Why is that? Has he got head lice?’

  Stretton laughed. ‘No nothing like that, it’s just that he bites.’

  ‘Oh…OK, I’ll bear that in mind.’

  Stretton scratched his chin. ‘Actually I’m not sure about the nits thing now that you mention it.’

  ‘It’s OK, Stretton,’ Amy said. ‘Doris the nit nurse was in last week. They should all be clear now.’

  Stretton rubbed his hands together as though he’d personally resolved any problems. ‘Very good. There you go Harry, nothing to be afraid of. But in the unlikely event that Rupert does launch himself at you…’ He pulled open one of his desk drawers and took out a large leather gauntlet. ‘Just put this on and let him bite. He’ll soon get tired and drop off, you’ll be fine.’

  Harry exchanged looks with Katherine.

  ‘OK,’ Stretton announced. ‘Best get down there so you can set up.’

  Ushering everyone out of the office, Stretton caught hold of Amy’s arm. ‘Nice girl that daughter of Harry’s,’ he whispered. ‘See if you can rustle up some cake for her can you?’

  *

  ‘…so, without further ado, I’d like to introduce you all to Harry Hodges. Let’s give him a big cheer…’ Stretton clapped his hands and welcomed Harry onto the stage. The assembly hall, designed to seat two hundred children was today home only to Amy’s class and a scattering of parents. Harry noted their enthusiastic applause was better than at some comedy clubs.

  Harry let the applause subside. ‘Hello children,’ he said into the microphone.

  ‘Hello Mr Hodges,’ came the response, not entirely in unison.

  ‘My name is Harry,’ Harry said. ‘…and this is Tommy Tickles,’ Harry motioned to the doll on his right arm. ‘Say hello Tommy.’

  ‘Hello Tommy,’ Tommy said, earning a few laughs.

  ‘What have you been up to Tommy?’ Harry asked.

  ‘Well, I’ve actually…’

  ‘Mr Hodges, sir, sir,’ a boys hand urgently raised in the air.

  ‘Hello, it’s a bit early for hecklers,’ Tommy said.

  ‘Hello,’ Harry said. ‘Are you OK?’

  ‘Yes, sir. It’s…my turtle is called Tommy…’ said the boy, earning a nudge in the ribs from the boy to his right.

  ‘That’ll be all, Billy,’ Stretton shouted from across the hall.

  ‘That’s OK,’ Harry said. ‘I’m sure he’s a lovely turtle.’

  ‘He is, Mr Hodges sir. He’s my best friend.’ This caused the assembled class to laugh, making Billy turn a worrying shade of purple. ‘Well, he is…’ Billy said under his breath.

  ‘Well, Billy,’ Harry said, ‘Tommy here is my best friend too, aren’t you Tommy?’

  Instead of replying, Harry’s mind went blank. The routine he’d worked out had completely disappeared. So, this is it, Harry thought, I’ve got stage fright. Night after night in rooms full of drunks, not a problem. A half empty assembly hall full of kids, and I’ve got nothing. Panicked, Harry ad libbed;

  ‘Tommy, what have you been doing today?’

  ‘I’m not telling you unless I get a sweetie,’ said Tommy.

  ‘I haven’t got any sweeties. Hang on, let me put this on,’ Harry reached into his jacket pocket and removed a fake moustache and placed it on his upper lip. ‘There. That’s better. Now you can’t see my lips move. So, Tommy, it’s a bit rude to ask for a sweetie every time I ask you a question. That’s greedy.’

  ‘No,’ Tommy replied, ‘that’s capitalism. I’m not getting into your van until I see the colour of your Smarties.’

  ‘Ha! Brilliant!’ Stretton shouted from across the hall.

  ‘You’re being very naughty, Tommy.�
��

  ‘You keep me in a box all week. I should call child services,’ Tommy replied.

  ‘There’s no need for that. So, Tommy. What do you want to talk about?’

  ‘I want to tell a joke. OK, kids, what do you call Postman Pat on his day off? Pat.’

  A small spattering of children’s laughter greeted this ancient of jokes. OK, Harry thought, I’m back on course. Let’s just rush this through and get the hell off the stage…

  *

  And the final prize goes to...’ Harry looked at the sheet of paper that Stretton had given him with a list of the prize winners. ‘Goes to ...’ Harry squinted at the paper again. ‘I’m sorry I can’t make this last one out.’

  He looked over at Stretton. ‘If you wouldn’t mind, Mr La Mon.’

  Stretton quickly made his way to the stage and Harry passed him the paper. He held it at arm’s length and announced. ‘And the final prize goes to ... um.., err,’ he turned to Harry. ‘What does that say?’ He whispered.

  ‘I don’t know, I can’t read your writing,’ Harry whispered back.

  Stretton caught Amy’s eye and beckoned her onto the stage.

  ‘What does this say? ‘He asked her very quietly once she had joined them on stage

  Amy took the paper and squinted, turned it round and back again, scanned the children’s faces and smiled. She whispered in Stretton’s ear and returned to her chair. Stretton passed the paper back to Harry, whispered in his ear and returned to his seat.

  Harry cleared his throat. ‘…and the final prize goes to Billy Shears for having the neatest handwriting. Up you come, Billy.’

  Billy shyly rose from his chair and ambled up to the stage to collect his prize; some coloured pens and a colouring book. ‘Thank you Mr Hodges,’ he said quietly.

  ‘That’s OK, young man,’ Harry replied. ‘That concludes the presentations, and I’d just like to…’ Harry noticed Billy hopping from foot to foot nervously. ‘You can take your seat now, Billy, thank you,’ Harry said.

  Billy didn’t move.

  ‘Are you OK, son?’ Harry asked.

  ‘Sir, Mr Hodges sir. I don’t think I deserve this prize.’

  ‘Of course you do, Billy. Mrs Cook told me you have the neatest handwriting in the whole class. That’s something to be very proud of.’

  ‘It’s not that, Mr Hodges sir. It’s just that last year I stole a penguin.’