by Ian Edwards
*
Brett sat on the sofa with his leg up. He had taken off his sock, his ankle already swollen.
‘Just keep your weight off it mate,’ Alfie said. ‘I’ll see if the caterers have any frozen peas you can put on it.’
‘If I can have your attention,’ Joy called out, clapping her hands. ‘I think we can all agree that this situation is…unprecedented.’ She paused, trying to find the words. ‘As you are all more than aware our number one priority has always been the safety of our team. But tonight we have faced our greatest threat; Marjorie has been injured…’ A groan could be heard from the pit. ‘Brett has been injured. Mr Hander has been hurt, as have several other people before we arrived. I’m afraid that I have very little choice…’
Alan nudged James. ‘What’s going on?’
James shrugged. ‘No idea, but Chester looks very happy.’
Alan looked at Chester, who appeared to be smiling.
‘I’ve decided that as the safety of the team and…’ She nodded at Alan and James. ‘Members of the public are at risk, I have no choice but to bring in the cleaner.’
Alan heard a gasp from someone and a further groan from the pit, while Chester was nodding.
James put his hand up. ‘Excuse me, Joy.’
‘What is it James?’
‘Sorry to sound dumb, but what is the cleaner?’
Joy gave a wry smile. ‘That’s a fair question. Alan, James, I have no choice but to call in the emergency twenty four hour exorcist.’
*
Amy made her way back into the garden, sitting back down in her chair.
‘Well?’ Rosie said. ‘What’s going on in the show?’
‘It’s not on,’ she told them while trying to get the last remaining drop from a bottle of wine.
‘Why’s that?’ Harry asked. ‘Are you sure you were on the right channel?’
‘Of course I was. There’s a banner across the screen which said that due to technical difficulties tonight’s episode of Scared Stiff can’t be broadcast. They’re showing an old episode instead. One about the ghost of a headless monk.’
Rosie sighed. ‘Its nonsense isn’t it?’
‘You don’t think it’s anything they’ve done?’ Jayne asked. ‘Alan and James I mean. They haven’t done something stupid to cause the show to go off air?’
Amy laughed. ‘I can guarantee those two haven’t been allowed anywhere near the show. I bet by now they’re both bored stiff.’
Chapter 48
He awoke just before 12.30am. The muffled sound of Tubular Bells crept from the phone beneath his pillow; loud enough to wake him but quiet enough not to disturb his wife asleep in the next room. He always made sure to sleep in the spare room when he was on call.
He dressed quickly, checking the contents of his bag before quietly leaving the house, gently closing the front door behind him.
He sat in his car, entering a postcode into his Sat-Nav. An assertive female voice alerted him that the drive would take twenty minutes. He grinned to himself and sent a text message advising that he would arrive within half an hour and set off for the Merton Palace Theatre.
*
Alan, James and Frankie sat in the auditorium watching as the paramedics wheeled Marjorie out on a stretcher. She had been heavily sedated and was humming softly to herself. Brett, supported by Alfie followed loosely behind.
‘Well,’ James said. ‘We certainly can’t say tonight’s been short of incident.’
Alan watched Brett hobble through the exit. ‘To be fair, I imagine Marjorie and Brett would have settled for a quiet, boring night in.’
‘In just one night we’ve had…’ James began to tick the issues with his fingers. ‘Ghosts, buried skeletons, exorcists, and best of all, unlimited free food.’
Frankie laughed. ‘Good to see you’ve got your priorities right.’
‘Here comes Chester,’ James said as the medium bounded towards them.
‘Hi guys,’ Chester said, dropping into an empty chair. ‘Quite an evening, huh?’
James nodded. ‘We were just saying the same. Does it happen a lot, having to get an exorcist in?’
‘No. In all the years we’ve been doing this show we’ve only had to call one in once before.’
Alan leaned forward. ‘When was that?’
‘A few years ago, we were doing a show from the castle and things got out of hand. There was cutlery all over the place and one of the researchers got possessed so Joy called in an exorcist.’
‘What castle?’ James asked, impressed. ‘Windsor, Bodium, Edinburgh?’
Chester shook his head. ‘No. Elephant and Castle. One of the flats near the station.’
‘Oh…right.’
‘Someone was possessed?’ Alan asked.
Chester gave a wry smile. ‘Well, to be honest…’ he looked around and lowered his voice. ‘Don’t tell Joy, but I had seen our researcher on the Special Brew, and she wasn’t known for being able to handle her drink at the best of times,’ he laughed. ‘Anyway, the exorcist turned up, did his thing and that was it. No more flying cutlery. The researcher was as right as rain after a pint of holy water and a good night’s sleep.’
He clapped his hands together and stood up. ‘Right,’ he announced. ‘This won’t get anything done. I shall see you all shortly.’ He turned and headed back down the auditorium towards the stage.
‘I think I might have a problem,’ Frankie said.
‘What’s that?’ Alan asked. ‘It’s not your feet again is it?’
‘No, they’re fine. It’s the exorcist.’
Alan frowned. ‘You’re worried about the exorcist’s feet?’
James looked at Alan and the empty seat next to him. ‘Why is Frankie worried about the exorcist’s feet?’
‘It’s nothing to do with the exorcist’s feet. It’s the exorcist that I’m concerned about…or more specifically the exorcism.’
Alan tuned to James. ‘Panic over, the exorcist’s feet are fine. Frankie was getting confused…It’s his age.’
Frankie shook his head and sighed. ‘Listen, if this exorcist turns up and exorcises the building to get rid of Vinnie, there’s a very good chance that he could get rid of me too.’
‘What are you talking about?’
‘Think about it. He turns up and blesses the theatre, cleansing it of evil spirits…I’m not sure he’s too selective about what goes and what stays.’
Alan stared at Frankie. ‘Like flushing the toilet, all the germs get flushed away. Not just the bad ones?’
‘That’s not how I’d put it, but essentially, yes.’
James looked from Alan to the empty seat next to him. ‘What’s going on?’
‘Frankie. He thinks he could be collateral damage when the exorcist comes to town.’
‘He’s got a point.’
‘Thank you, big man,’ Frankie nodded at James.
‘Frankie says thanks,’ Alan told him.
Turning back to Frankie, Alan said; ‘Why can’t you do one of your disappearing acts and we’ll see you back at Rosie’s later?’
‘That was my first thought, but I can’t be sure that’ll be enough, what with my links to this place.’
‘OK,’ Alan said slowly, his mind running over the alternatives. ‘James can you can go and have a subtle word with Joy? Try and find out as much as you can about the exorcism. Is Frankie right to be concerned?’
James nodded and stood up. ‘Right you are then,’ he said, setting off to find Joy
‘Is that wise?’ Frankie asked as James reached the stage.
‘Don’t worry, James will be fine. He has a way of getting information out of people without them realising.’
‘Oh good,’ Frankie said, unconvinced.
*
James stood and listened attentively to Joy explain how the exorcism would work, nodding along as if it all made complete sense. ‘…So in reality,’ Joy continued. ‘There are no guarantees that it will work at all.’
; ‘Oh, right,’ James nodded. ‘So, hypothetically, if the theatre was also haunted, at the same time, by another ghost, but a good ghost - not an evil one like Vinnie - would that ghost be affected by the exorcism?’
Joy looked at James. ‘Sorry James, I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying. Is there another ghost?’
James laughed nervously. ‘No, no of course not. It’s just that Alan and I were wondering how thorough the exorcism is.’
Joy frowned in response.
‘I mean,’ James continued. ‘Is it like a really deep clean that gets rid of all the spirits, or is it more like a quick wipe down with a damp sponge?’
Joy stared back. ‘I’m sorry, what?’ she replied.
*
‘Well?’ Alan said as James re-joined them. ‘What did she say?’
James shrugged. ‘She hasn’t got a clue. It’s never come up before.’
‘Well that was a waste of time,’ Frankie said.
‘Looks like its Plan B then,’ Alan said.
‘You have a Plan B?’ James asked. ‘When have you ever had a Plan B?’
‘When you were over there talking to Joy. We thought you’d muck it up so we thought of a backup plan.’
‘Oh, thanks mate. Cheers for the vote of confidence,’ he paused for a moment. ‘Go on then, what is your master plan?’
Alan grinned. ‘Well it’s really quite simple. Frankie is going to have a chat with Vinnie. You know, ghost to ghost if you like, and persuade him to leave of his own accord. If Vinnie’s not here there’ll be nothing to exorcise and Frankie can live happily ever after.’
‘And Frankie’s alright with that?’
‘No, I’m bloody not.’
‘He thinks it’s a brilliant idea,’ Alan glared at Frankie. ‘And he has a vested interest. If he doesn’t persuade Vinnie to get out of town they’re both likely to be zapped into the next dimension.’
James frowned. ‘Good plan, but what happens if the exorcist turns up before Frankie’s finished?’
Alan put his hand on James’s shoulder. ‘That’s where you come in.’
‘Oh yeah?’ James said, guardedly.
‘Right, now listen. What we need you to do is intercept the exorcist when he gets here, and keep him away from the theatre.’
James looked his friend up and down. ‘How?’
Frankie rolled his eyes. ‘I’m dead. Again.’
‘Listen mate, it’s really simple,’ Alan explained patiently. ‘All you need do is hang around outside and when he turns up, keep him distracted.’
‘For how long?’
‘Forty five minutes. An hour tops.’
‘How do I keep an exorcist distracted for an hour?’
Alan shrugged. ‘I don’t know, but I’m sure you’ll think of something.’
James stared into space for a few seconds. ‘Well I suppose I could think of something.’
‘Great, that’s sorted then.’ Alan looked at his watch. ‘You’d better get your skates on, he could be here any minute.’
Alan steered James towards the exit doors. ‘Good luck mate,’ he said, closing the doors behind him.
Frankie stood up. ‘I think we should go down to the cellar. That’s where Vinnie is most likely to be lurking about.’
Alan looked onto the stage where Joy was in conversation with Julius and Chester. ‘Let’s go now while they’re occupied,’ he said, following Frankie out of the auditorium.
*
James stood outside the catering lorry and looked through the hatch. ‘Two bacon rolls please.’
An elderly woman, hair hidden under a hair net, ducked under the counter. ‘I’m sorry love,’ she said, reappearing with an energy that defied the late hour. ‘No bacon left.’ She looked under the counter again. ‘We’ve got no rolls either.’
James looked along the shelves. ‘What do you have?’ He asked.
‘Well,’ she ducked under the counter again, producing a loaf of white bread. ‘Bread.’ She turned around, thrusting her hand into a cardboard box. She looked at the packet she had pulled out and placed it on the counter. ‘I can do you a Frazzle sandwich.’
‘A Frazzle sandwich,’ James repeated.
‘Look at it as a cold crispy bacon sandwich,’ she said.
James nodded. ‘Two please.’
*
James finished the last of his Frazzle sandwiches, licked a finger and wiped it round the plate collecting the crumbs. He reached for his mug of tea and was contemplating asking for another when he saw a figure step between two of the parked vans and head towards the theatre.
‘Excuse me,’ he called out.
The figure stopped and turned towards James. ‘Hello,’ he said, stepping forward offering James his hand. ‘I’m Nigel, the exorcist. I think you’re expecting me.’
‘Yes,’ James said shaking his hand. ‘The exorcist, of course,’ he gestured at the picnic table he had just vacated. ‘I’ve been sent out to meet you. We can wait here until they’re ready for you.’
‘They’re not ready?’ Nigel asked.
James shook his head. ‘No, they’re…clearing up.’
‘Clearing up?’
‘Yes, the theatre is in a mess so they’re having a good tidy up before you go in.’
‘They needn’t bother,’ Nigel said. ‘I’m not worried if it’s a bit messy.’
‘They have very high standards,’ James paused and studied the man sitting opposite him. He had expected an older man dressed in black, not unlike an undertaker. Nigel, however was roughly the same age as James and was wearing jeans with a white T shirt poking out from under a blue hoodie. He placed his satchel on the table which bore a coat of arms and a slogan which said; Property of Hogwarts.
‘Can I get you a Frazzle sandwich?’ James asked.
*
Alan and Frankie stood at the top of the stairs leading down to the cellar. Alan took two steps backwards and looked at Frankie. ‘Down you go then.’
‘Aren’t you coming with me?’ Frankie asked.
‘No chance.’ Alan shook his head. ‘I think this has to be between the two of you. It’s no place for the living. Anyway, he’s more likely to open up if it’s just you. I might put him off.’
‘How long do you think I’ve got?’
Alan shrugged. ‘It depends on how good James’s distraction tactics are.’
‘So not long then?’
Alan laughed. ‘No, not long.’
Frankie sighed and begun his descent. ‘I’d better be off then.’
*
‘These Frazzle sandwiches are really good,’ Nigel mumbled through the last of his sandwich.
‘Another?’ James asked about to start on his fourth.
Nigel put his hands up. ‘No, better not. I don’t like to exorcise on a full stomach.’
James smiled back, unsure if Nigel was joking.
Nigel looked at his watch. ‘Do you think they’re ready now? Only I’d like to get started.’
James slipped his phone out of his pocket. ‘I’ll just check.’
He dabbed at the screen and tapped out a message to Alan.
‘He’s here and waiting to start. How long are you going to be?’
A few seconds later a message flashed back.
‘No idea. Frankie is in the cellar now. Don’t know if Vinnie is with him. Keep stalling.’
James put his phone back in his pocket. ‘It won’t be too long now.’
‘Still cleaning?’
‘It was very messy.’
Nigel nodded. ‘Sorry if I’m a bit keen, it’s my first one.’
‘Sorry. Your first what?’
‘My first exorcism.’
‘Oh,’ James replied, unsure if Nigel’s lack of experience was an advantage or not.
‘Don’t worry,’ Nigel said, seeing James’s concerned expression. ‘I’ve passed all my exams, look...’ He opened his satchel and took out several sheets of photocopied paper. ‘These are my certificates.’
; James studied the sheets of paper which confirmed that Nigel had indeed passed the exams of the Institute of Exorcists.
‘I’ve also completed my work experience,’ Nigel said proudly.
‘Where was that?’
‘The London Dungeon.’
‘Did they need an exorcist then?’
Nigel laughed. ‘No, they didn’t.’
James raised an eyebrow. ‘What did you do there then?’
‘I worked in the souvenir shop selling souvenirs, miniature gallows, fridge magnets, that kind of thing.’
‘I love the little rubber skeletons.’
Nigel nodded. ‘I sold loads of those. Very popular.’
But how did that help with exorcism?’ James finally asked.
Nigel paused for a moment. ‘I don’t think it did.’
‘Oh, right,’ James looked up at the catering truck. ‘Let me get you a tea,’ he said, standing up and making his way to the counter.
James leaned against the counter. ‘Two teas please.’
The lady placed two cups on the counter.
‘Unless you have anything stronger?’ James grinned.
She reached under the counter and produced a hip flask. ‘Will this do?’
James laughed. ‘Very nicely, thank you.’
*
Frankie, hands in pockets, leaned against the wall and waited for Vinnie.
The cellar was a lot different when he was down here on his own. The lights seemed brighter, the séance table with bricks supporting each leg was almost comical. But more noticeable, and - at least as far as Frankie was concerned - the sensation in the atmosphere, that feeling of an impending thunderstorm was even more pronounced, almost tangible. He stepped away from wall to stretch his legs. It wouldn’t do to stand in one position for too long. Especially at his age.
‘Is he there yet?’ Alan called out.
Frankie wandered over to the door. ‘Haven’t seen him. He’s close though, I can feel it.’
‘OK,’ Alan’s voice got quieter as if he was walking around upstairs. ‘If you need anything, don’t call.’
‘Thanks. That’s very supportive, I…’ Frankie stopped and watched the door slowly close. ‘That could have been worse,’ he said aloud. ‘He could have slammed it.’
A ball rolled across the floor coming to a stop at his feet.