I continued. “So as you might guess, the other choice might be to recognize that beneath what seems to be happening on the surface, something else much more meaningful—and potentially very supportive—is going on. The other choice is to accept that Jeff’s behavior may contain another message, another meaning or intent, and that within the situation lies a gift for you.”
Jill thought for a while, then said, “Jeff’s behavior is so darn bizarre, you’d have a hard time coming up with any good reason for it. Maybe something else is going on that I don’t yet see. I suppose it’s similar to what Henry was doing, but it’s hard for me to see it with Jeff because I’m so confused right now. I can’t see beyond what is actually going on.”
“That’s okay,” I said, reassuring her. “Look, there’s no need to figure it out. Just being willing to entertain the idea that something else is going on is a giant step forward. In fact, the willingness to see the situation differently is the key to your healing. Ninety percent of the healing occurs when you become willing to let in the idea that your soul has lovingly created this situation for you. In becoming willing, you let go of control and surrender it to God. He takes care of the other 10 percent. If you can really understand at a deep level and surrender to the idea that God will handle this for you if you turn it over to him, you won’t need to do anything at all. The situation and your healing will both get handled automatically.
“But prior even to this step, you can take a perfectly rational step that enables you to see things differently right away. It involves separating fact from fiction. It means recognizing that your belief has no factual basis whatsoever. It is simply a story you have made up, based on a few facts and a whole lot of interpretation.
“We do this all the time: experience an event and make interpretations about it. Then we put these two pieces together to create a largely false story about what happened. The story becomes the belief, and we defend it as if it were the truth. It never is, of course.
“In your case, the facts were that Dad didn’t hug you, didn’t spend time playing with you, didn’t hold you, didn’t put you on his lap. He did not meet your needs for affection. Those were the facts. On the basis of those facts, you made a crucial assumption: ‘Dad doesn’t love me.’ Isn’t that true?”
She nodded.
“But the fact that he didn’t meet your needs doesn’t mean that he didn’t love you. That’s an interpretation. It wasn’t true. He was a sexually repressed man, and intimacy was scary for him; we know that. Maybe he just didn’t know how to express his love in the way you wanted to receive it. Do you remember that super dollhouse he made you one year for Christmas? I remember him spending countless hours on it in the evenings when you were in bed. Perhaps that was the only way he knew how to express his love for you.
“I’m not making excuses for him or trying to make what you have said, or felt, wrong. I’m just trying to point out how we all make the mistake of thinking that our interpretations represent the truth.
“The next big assumption you made,” I continued, “based on the facts and your first interpretation that ‘Dad doesn’t love me,’ was ‘It’s my fault. There must be something wrong with me.’ That was an even greater lie than the other assumption, don’t you agree?”
She nodded.
“It isn’t surprising that you would come to that conclusion, because that’s the way little kids think. Since they perceive that the world revolves around them, they always assume that when things don’t go well, it’s their fault. When a child first thinks this, the thought is coupled with great pain. To reduce the pain, a child represses it, but this action actually makes it all the harder to get rid of the thought. Thus we stay stuck with the idea that ‘It’s my fault and something must be wrong with me’ even as adults.
“Any time a situation in our life triggers the memory of this pain or the idea attached to it, we emotionally regress. Thus we feel and behave like the little kid who first experienced the pain. In fact, that’s precisely what happened when you saw my Lorraine cause our father to feel love. You were twenty-seven years old, but at that moment you regressed to the two-year-old Jill who felt unloved and acted out all your childhood neediness. And you are still doing it, only this time you are doing it with your husband.
“The idea upon which you based all your relationships represents an interpretation made by a two-year-old kid and has absolutely no basis in fact,” I concluded. “Do you see that, Jill?”
“Yes, I do. I made some pretty silly decisions based on those unconscious assumptions, didn’t I?”
“Yes, you did, but you made them when you were in pain and when you were too young to know any better. Even though you repressed the pain to get rid of it, the belief kept working in your life at a subconscious level. That’s when your soul decided to create some drama in your life so you would bring it to consciousness again and have the opportunity to choose healing once more.
“You attracted people into your life who would confront you directly with your own pain and make you relive the original experience through them,” I continued. “That’s what Jeff is doing right now. Of course, I am not saying he is doing this consciously. He really isn’t. He is probably more perplexed by his own behavior than you are. Remember, this is a soul-to-soul transaction. His soul knows about your original pain and is aware that you will not heal it without going through the experience again.”
“Wow!” Jill said, and took a deep breath. Her body relaxed for the first time since we had begun talking about the situation. “It’s certainly a totally different way of looking at things, but do you know what? I feel lighter. It’s as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders just by talking it through with you.”
“That’s because your energy has shifted,” I replied. “Imagine how much of your life-force energy you have had to expend just keeping the story about Dad and Lorraine alive. Plus, imagine the amount of energy required to keep down the feelings of grief and resentment wrapped around the story. The tears you shed earlier enabled you to release a lot of that. And you have just acknowledged that it was all a made-up story anyway—what a relief that must be. Also, you’ve had a lot of energy locked up around Jeff—making him wrong, making yourself wrong, being a victim, and so on. Just being willing to see the whole situation differently enables you to release all that energy and allow it to move through you. No wonder you feel lighter!”
“What would have happened if, instead of understanding what was going on underneath the situation with Jeff, I had simply left him?” Jill asked.
“Your soul would have brought in someone else to help you heal,” I quickly replied. “But you didn’t leave him, did you? You came here instead. You have to understand, this trip was no accident. There are no such things as accidents in this system. You—or rather, your soul—created this trip, this opportunity to understand the dynamics of the situation with Jeff. Your soul guided you here. John’s soul created a trip at this particular time to make it possible for you to come with him.”
“And what about the two Lorraines?” Jill wondered. “How did that happen? Surely, that’s just a coincidence.”
“There are no coincidences in this system either. Just know that your souls, and the souls of some others, conspired to create this situation, and notice how perfect it was that a person named Lorraine was involved in the original occasion and in this one. It couldn’t have been a more perfect clue. It’s hard to imagine that it wasn’t set up somehow, don’t you agree?” I said.
“So what do I do with this now?” asked Jill. “It’s true that I feel lighter, but what do I do when I go home and see Jeff?”
“There really is very little for you to do,” I answered. “From this point on, it’s more a question of how you feel inside yourself. Do you understand that you are no longer a victim? Do you understand that Jeff is no longer a persecutor? Do you see that the situation was exactly what you needed and wanted? Do you feel how much that man loves you—at the soul level, I m
ean?”
“What do you mean?” Jill asked.
“He was willing to do whatever it took to get you to the point where you could look again at your belief about yourself and see that it was untrue. Do you realize how much discomfort he was willing to endure to help you? He is not a cruel man by nature, so it must have been hard for him. Few men could have done that for you while risking losing you in the process. Jeff, or Jeff’s soul, truly is an angel for you. When you really understand this, you will feel so grateful to him! Plus, you will stop sending out messages that you are unlovable. You will have the ability to let love in, perhaps for the first time in your life. You will have forgiven Jeff, because you will be clear that nothing wrong ever took place. It was perfect in every sense.
“And I promise you this,” I continued. “Jeff is already changing and dropping his bizarre behavior as we speak. His soul is already picking up that you have forgiven him and healed your misperception about yourself. As you change your energy, his energy changes too. You’re connected energetically. Physical distance is irrelevant.”
Getting back to her question, I said, “So, you won’t have to do anything special when you get home. In fact, I want you to promise me that you won’t do anything at all when you get back. In particular, do not, under any circumstances, share with Jeff this new way of looking at the situation. I want you to see how everything will be different automatically simply as a consequence of you changing your perception.
“You will feel changed as well,” I added. “You will find yourself feeling more peaceful, more centered, and more relaxed. You will have a knowingness that will seem strange to Jeff for a while. It will take time for your relationship with him to adjust, and it may still be difficult for a while, but this issue will resolve now,” I concluded with conviction.
Jill and I reviewed this new way of looking at her situation many times before she returned home to England. It is always difficult for someone in the middle of an emotional upset to shift into a Radical Forgiveness perspective. In fact, getting to a place where Radical Forgiveness can truly happen often requires a great deal of integration and repetitive reinforcement. To help my sister, I introduced her to some breathing techniques that help to release emotion and integrate new ways of being and asked her to complete a Radical Forgiveness worksheet. (See Part Four, “Tools for Radical Forgiveness.”)
The day she left, Jill was obviously nervous about going back to the situation she had left behind. As she walked down the jetway to her airplane, she looked back and tried to wave confidently, but I knew she was scared that she might lose her newfound understanding and get drawn back into the drama.
Apparently the meeting with Jeff went well. Jill requested that he not question her immediately about what had happened while she was away. She also requested that he give her space for a few days in order to get settled. But she immediately noticed a difference in him. He was attentive, kind, and considerate—more like the Jeff she had known before this whole episode began.
Over the next couple of days, Jill told Jeff she no longer blamed him for anything, nor did she want him to change in any way. She said she had learned that it was she who needed to take responsibility for her own feelings and that she would deal with whatever came up for her in her own way without making him wrong. She did not elaborate at all and did not try to explain herself.
Things went well for some days after Jill’s return home, and Jeff’s behavior with his daughter Lorraine changed dramatically. In fact, everything seemed to be getting back to normal with regard to that relationship, but the atmosphere between Jeff and Jill remained tense and their communication limited.
About two weeks later, the situation came to a head. Jill looked at Jeff and said quietly, “I feel like I’ve lost my best friend.”
“So do I,” he replied.
For the first time in months they connected. They hugged each other and began to cry. “Let’s talk,” Jill said. “I’ve got to tell you what I learned with Colin in America. It’s going to sound weird to you at first, but I want to share it with you. You don’t have to believe it. I just want you to hear me. Are you willing?”
“I’ll do whatever it takes,” Jeff replied. “I know something important happened to you there. I want to know what it was. You have changed, and I like what I see. You are not the same person you were when you stepped on the airplane with John. So tell me what happened.”
Jill talked and talked. She explained the dynamics of Radical Forgiveness as best she could in a way Jeff could understand. She felt strong and powerful—sure of herself and her understanding, secure and clear in her mind.
Jeff, a practical man who is always skeptical of anything that cannot be rationally explained, did not resist this time, and he was indeed quite receptive to the ideas Jill asked him to consider. He voiced openness to the idea that there might be a spiritual world beneath everyday reality and, given that, saw a certain logic in the Radical Forgiveness concept. He didn’t accept it totally, but he nevertheless was willing to listen, consider, and see how it had changed Jill.
After the discussion, they both felt their love had been rekindled and that their relationship had a good chance of surviving. They made no promises, though, and agreed to keep talking to each other while they watched how their relationship progressed.
It did, indeed, progress quite well. Jeff still fawned over his daughter Lorraine to a degree, but not as much as before. Jill found she cared hardly at all even when he did behave in this manner. It certainly did not trigger her to regress emotionally and react from old beliefs about herself.
Within a month of their conversation about Radical Forgiveness, all of Jeff’s past behavioral pattern with Lorraine stopped. In turn, Lorraine didn’t call or visit as often; she got on with her life. Everything slowly returned to normal and Jill and Jeff’s relationship began to grow more secure and loving than ever before. Jeff became the kind, sensitive man he is by nature, Jill became less needy, and Lorraine became much happier.
Looking back, had Jill’s soul not brought her to Atlanta to create the opportunity for us to have our conversation, I feel sure she and Jeff would have separated. In the grand scheme of things, that would have been all right too. Jill simply would have found someone else with whom to recreate the drama and another opportunity to heal. As it was, she took this opportunity to heal and stayed in the relationship.
At the time of writing this second edition, many years after that crisis, they remain together and are very happily married. Like every other couple, they continue to create dramas in their lives—but they know now how to see them as healing opportunities and move through them quickly and with grace.
Note: The time-line diagram in FIGURE 1 depicts Jill’s story as a graphic. She found this helped her greatly to see how the original pain of not feeling loved by her father had led to a belief that she was not enough and how, in turn, that belief had played out in her life. You might do the same for yourself if you think you have a similar story running your life. (FIGURE 1)
FIGURE 1: Jill's Healing Journey
part two
Conversations on Radical Forgiveness
2
Underlying Assumptions
Since all theories are based upon certain assumptions, it is important to have an understanding of the spiritual assumptions underlying the theory and practice of Radical Forgiveness. Before looking at these, though, it is worth noting that even the most widely accepted scientific theories are often based on assumptions for which there is very little hard evidence.
We can say the same thing about the basic assumptions handed down throughout the ages about God, human nature, and the spiritual realm. While there is little hard scientific evidence to support their validity, such assumptions have been handed down to us as universal truths, or principles, for centuries, and have formed the foundation for many great spiritual traditions throughout the world. They certainly are foundational to Radical Forgiveness. Some of these assumptions are n
ow being proven by physicists to be scientifically well founded.
I prefer to use the word “assumption” rather than “belief” or even “principle” because simply classifying an idea as an assumption allows for the possibility of a greater truth emerging in the future. I am more likely to be open to seeing the deeper meaning in something if I am not ego-invested in a belief system I feel obliged to defend. I prefer to hang out in the question rather than take a fixed position on something that has yet to be proven.
I have also discovered that the process of Radical Forgiveness works equally well whether you believe in it or not. So long as you are willing to try it and use the tools the system provides, it seems to work. Belief is not necessary.
In any case, Radical Forgiveness makes very little sense to the rational mind, at least to that part of the mentality that is grounded in everyday reality as perceived through the five senses. That’s because Radical Forgiveness operates according to spiritual law, not physical law. It is essentially a metaphysical idea.
Nevertheless, in order to wrap our minds around the basic idea as best we can, it helps to go over some of the assumptions that give some structure to the concept and a quasi-rational basis for understanding the technology.
Each assumption listed here is expanded upon at length in various other places in the book. They are as follows:
• We have bodies that die, but we have immortal souls that existed prior to our incarnation and continue to exist after death. (Therefore, death is an illusion.)
• While our bodies and our senses tell us we are separate individuals, we are all one. We all individually vibrate as part of a single whole.
• In order to exponentially expand our awareness of oneness, we agreed to come to this world of duality in order to experience the exact opposite of oneness—separation.
• Part of the agreement was that we would forget the world of oneness we came from in order to fully experience the pain of separation. When we have experienced the amount of pain we agreed to have in this lifetime, we use Radical Forgiveness to awaken and remember who we are.
Radical Forgiveness Page 3