• Traditional forgiveness does not factor in the notion of a spiritual mission and maintains its belief in, and fear of, death.
Radical Forgiveness sees death as an illusion and takes the view that life is eternal.
• Traditional forgiveness views life as a problem to be solved or punishment to be avoided. It experiences life as a random set of circumstances that just happen to us for no reason—thus, the popular bumper sticker, “Shit happens!”
Radical Forgiveness sees life as entirely purposeful and motivated by love.
• Traditional forgiveness recognizes the inherent imperfection of human beings but fails to see the perfection in the imperfection. It cannot resolve that paradox.
Radical Forgiveness exemplifies that paradox.
• Traditional forgiveness can carry a high vibration similar to Radical Forgiveness when calling upon some of the highest of human virtues, like kindness, humility, compassion, patience, and tolerance.
The portal through which we begin the journey of raising our vibration to connect with the world of Divine Truth and experience Radical Forgiveness is the open heart.
• Traditional forgiveness, when of a very high vibration, recognizes the profundity of the spiritual insight that we all are imperfect and that imperfection characterizes the nature of humanity. When we look at a wrongdoer through these eyes, we can say in all humility and with tolerance and compassion, “There but for the Grace of God, go I.” We own that we, too, are completely capable of whatever the accused person has done. If we are acquainted with our shadow self, we know that we all have within us the potential to cause harm, to murder, to rape, to abuse children, and to annihilate 13 million people. This knowledge allows us to call forth our humility and makes us kind and merciful not only to the accused but to ourselves, for in them we recognize our own inherent imperfection, our own shadow. This recognition brings us very close to actually taking back that which we projected—the vital first step in Radical Forgiveness.
Radical Forgiveness also lovingly sees the imperfection inherent in human beings, but sees the perfection in the imperfection.
• Radical Forgiveness recognizes that forgiveness cannot be willed or bestowed. We must be willing to forgive and to give the situation over to our Higher Power. Forgiveness of any kind comes not from effort but from being open to experiencing it.
WHAT IS NOT FORGIVENESS
While we are dealing with definitions, we should also be clear about what is not forgiveness. A lot of what passes for forgiveness is what I call “pseudo-forgiveness.”
Lacking authenticity, pseudo-forgiveness is usually just neatly packaged judgment and concealed resentment masquerading as forgiveness. The willingness to forgive is not there, and, far from decreasing victim consciousness, it actually expands it. However, the line between this and traditional forgiveness may not be easy to determine.
Examples of Pseudo-Forgiveness
The following examples are listed in order of descending clarity, beginning with those that are obviously false and ending with those that come close to traditional forgiveness.
• Forgiving out of a sense of obligation. This is completely inauthentic, yet many of us forgive from this place. We think of forgiveness as the right thing or even the spiritual thing to do. We think we ought to forgive.
• Forgiving out of a sense of righteousness. This is the antithesis of forgiveness. If you forgive people because you think you are right and they are stupid, or because you pity them, that is pure arrogance.
• Bestowing forgiveness or pardoning. This is pure self-delusion. We do not possess the power to bestow forgiveness on anyone. When we bestow forgiveness, we play God. Forgiveness is not something we control—it just happens when we are willing.
• Pretending forgiveness. Pretending that we are not angry about something when we actually are angry provides not so much an opportunity to forgive as an opportunity to deny our anger. This represents a form of self-invalidation. When we do this, we allow others to treat us like the proverbial doormat. Such behavior usually stems from a fear of not forgiving, of being abandoned, or from a belief that expressing anger is unacceptable.
• Forgive and forget. This simply creates denial. Forgiveness is never simple erasure. Wise people forgive but do not forget. They strive to appreciate the gift inherent in the situation and to remember the lesson it taught them.
• Making excuses. When we forgive, we often do it with explanations or by making excuses for the person we are forgiving. For example, we might say about our parents, “My father abused me because he was abused by his own parents. He was doing the best he could.” Forgiveness should be about letting go of the past and refusing to be controlled by it. If an explanation helps one to let go, it may be helpful to that extent, though an explanation does not remove the idea that something wrong happened. Therefore, at best, it can only be traditional forgiveness. It also possesses a certain righteousness, which may mask anger. On the other hand, understanding why someone did what they did and having empathy for them connects us again to our own imperfection and opens the door to feeling compassion and mercy—leading to a higher vibration of traditional forgiveness but still falling short of Radical Forgiveness.
• Forgiving the person but not condoning the behavior. This largely intellectual approach may only masquerade as forgiveness, because it remains judgmental and self-righteous. It also has practical and semantic problems. How do you separate a murderer from the act of murder?
This last one raises the issues of accountability and responsibility, both of which are the subject of the next chapter.
4
Accountability
It must be clearly understood that Radical Forgiveness does not relieve us from responsibility in this world. We are spiritual beings having a human experience in a world governed by both physical and man-made laws, and as such we are necessarily held to account for all our actions. That is an inherent part of the human experience that cannot be avoided.
In other words, when we create circumstances that hurt other people, we must accept that in the World of Humanity there are consequences for such actions. While from a Radical Forgiveness standpoint we would say that all parties involved in the situation are getting what they need, it is also true that experiencing the consequences, like going to jail or being fined, shamed, or condemned, is all part of the lesson and is perfect once again in that spiritual context.
I am often asked whether, in a situation where someone has done us harm and where the normal reaction would be to seek redress through the courts, a forgiving person would actually take that course of action. The answer is yes. We live in the World of Humanity, which operates within the parameters of the Law of Cause and Effect. This states that for every action there is a corresponding equal reaction. Thus, early on we learn that our actions have consequences. If we were never held accountable for our actions, forgiveness would be meaningless and valueless. With no accountability demanded of us, it would appear as if, no matter what we did, no one would care. Such an action or attitude offers no compassion whatsoever. For instance, children always interpret rightful parental discipline applied appropriately as caring and loving. Conversely, they interpret being given total license by their parents as non-caring. Children know.
However, the extent to which we respond to other people’s actions with a sense of righteous indignation, grievance, revenge, and resentment rather than with a genuine desire to balance the scales with regard to principles of fairness, freedom, and respect for others determines our level of forgiveness. Righteousness and revenge lower our vibration. Conversely, defense of principles and acting with integrity raises our vibration. The higher the vibration, the closer we come to Divine Truth and the more able we are to forgive radically.
I recently heard bestselling author Alan Cohen tell a story that illustrates this point well. A friend of his once got involved in circumstances that resulted in a girl’s death. For her wrongful death, he was impri
soned for many years. He accepted the responsibility for what had happened and behaved in every way as a model prisoner. Still, the girl’s father, a rich and influential man with friends in high places, made a vow to keep this man locked up for as many years as possible. Every time he became eligible for parole, the girl’s father spent a great deal of time and money pulling every political string possible to make sure parole was denied. After numerous such occurrences, Cohen asked his friend how he felt about being denied parole because of this man’s efforts to keep him in prison. The man said he forgave the girl’s father every day of his life and prayed for him, because he realized that it was the father who was in prison, not himself.
In truth, the father, who was unable to get beyond his rage, sadness, and grief, was controlled by his need for revenge. He could not escape the prison of his own victimhood. Even traditional forgiveness was beyond him. Cohen’s friend, on the other hand, refused to be a victim and saw love as the only possibility. His vibration was higher, and he was able to practice Radical Forgiveness.
Getting back to the issue of whether or not to seek redress through the courts, yes, we should seek to make others accountable for their actions. Remember, though, that once we decide to sue, we must, as they say in Alcoholics Anonymous, “pray for the S.O.B.”—and for ourselves. (By the way, we do not have to like someone in order to forgive him!) In other words, we turn the matter over to our Higher Power. We recognize that divine love operates in every situation and that each person receives exactly what he or she wants. We recognize that perfection always resides somewhere in the situation, even if it is not apparent at the time.
I had occasion to experience this myself when I had just completed this book and was looking around for someone to help me market it. A friend recommended someone, so my wife, JoAnn, and I went to see her. She seemed okay, and I had no reason to doubt her skill or integrity. However—it’s funny how the Universe works—the deadline for getting the title into Books in Print was the following day. This is the reference book that bookstores use for ordering, “so it was important to get in then to avoid missing a whole year.” That also meant I was rushed into signing a contract with this woman and coming up with $4,000, which is what she wanted up front, as well as 15 percent of the book sales. We didn’t have $4,000, but JoAnn somehow came up with $2,900; we would pay the rest in monthly installments. So we signed. Though rushed into it, I was pleased that I had delegated that part of the project.
As the months went by, and well after my book was published, I noticed that I was still having to do a lot of what I thought I had contracted with her to do. I was booking all my own signings, sending books to reviewers, and so on. I wasn’t seeing any results from her efforts at all. I kept my eye on it, and after a while I confronted her. It turned out that she had hardly done a thing. Of course she denied it and defended herself, but when I demanded to see letters and evidence of activity, there was nothing. I fired her, voided the contract for nonperformance, and demanded my money back. Of course she refused, so I started court proceedings to recoup the money.
As you can imagine, I was pretty upset. I was stuck where all people who imagine themselves victimized go—in “Victimland!” And I was completely unconscious. I had my victim story all made up and took every opportunity to share it with anyone who would listen. As far as I was concerned, she had stolen that money from me, and I needed to get even. I was well and truly stuck, and I stayed that way for several weeks. And I was supposed to be Mr. Forgiveness!
Fortunately, a friend who had attended my first workshop many years before came to dinner. When I told her my story, her response was, “Well, have you done a worksheet around this?”
Of course I hadn’t. It was the thing furthest from my mind. “No, I haven’t done a worksheet,” I replied, feeling very angry.
“Don’t you think you should?” Lucie asked.
“No, I don’t want to do a darn worksheet!” I shouted.
Then JoAnn chimed in. “Well, it’s your worksheet. You ought to practice what you preach!” That did it. Feeling cornered, I stomped upstairs to get one, but I was angry. I knew, and so did they, that I was doing it under protest. It was the last thing in the world I wanted to do, but they wouldn’t let me off the hook. I did each step in a huff and with little or no commitment to the process. Then all of a sudden, as I got about halfway through, I had to read this statement: “I release the need to blame and the need to be right.” That was when it hit me. The need to be right! All of a sudden it flashed before me what I was trying to be right about. I had a core belief that I always had to do everything myself! I saw that this incident was just another playing out of that belief. All the other times I had unconsciously created being let down that way flashed before my eyes. I then saw and fully understood that this woman was supporting me in becoming acquainted with this toxic belief so that I could release it and open myself to greater abundance.
Suddenly, all my anger evaporated, and I saw how I had shut myself off from the very things I believed in and was teaching. I felt very ashamed—but at least I was conscious again. I could now see that this woman was an angel of healing for me, and I switched from feeling anger and resentment to feeling profound gratitude and love for her.
Besides being a wonderful awakening, this was a very powerful and humbling lesson in how easy it is to become unconscious about spiritual law and how quickly you can be sucked into a drama. It was also a great demonstration of how quickly I could separate from my true nature and from everything I knew to be true even after having once awakened to it. It was also a powerful reminder of why we need spiritual friends who will support us by not buying in to our victim story and being prepared to challenge us on it.
Now, the question you are probably asking is, having realized that she was a healing angel for me, did I cancel the court case against her? Well, I can tell you, I agonized over this.
I recognized that, even though I now saw the truth from the perspective of the World of Divine Truth, the situation itself was deeply grounded in the World of Humanity. I offered to go to mediation twice, and she refused on both occasions. So I went ahead with the court case, reasoning that her soul needed to have that experience; otherwise it would have taken her out of it when I suggested mediation. But I went into it with my heart open and with the intention that the right and perfect outcome would ensue. The court found in my favor, and I got a judgment against her for most of the $4,000. I never got the money, but that didn’t matter. The point was that we had trusted the process and had done what seemed to be necessary at the time.
The truth is, it wouldn’t have mattered which way I decided. Spirit could have sorted it out some other way, and it all would have worked out okay in the end—as it always does. The idea that our decisions matter in the overall scheme of things is just our ego trying to make us feel separate and special. The Universe has everything handled no matter what we decide. But how we make those decisions—whether from love or fear, greed or generosity, false pride or humility, dishonesty or integrity—matters to us personally, because each decision we make affects our vibration.
Another situation I am often asked to address is what to do when one becomes aware of a child being abused. The question raised is: if we assume that the child’s spiritual growth is being supported by this experience, should we take action or not, since to interfere would be to deny the child’s soul its growth experience? My answer is always that, as human beings, we must do what it is right according to our present awareness of right and wrong—as defined in human law. So we act accordingly while at the same time knowing that, in spiritual law, nothing wrong is taking place. Naturally, then, we would intervene. As human beings, we cannot do otherwise. But our intervention is not wrong or right either, because either way Spirit has it handled.
My reasoning is that if it were in the best interest of the child’s soul for there to be no intervention, Spirit would arrange things in such a way as to prevent it. In other words, if I am
not supposed to intervene, Spirit will keep me unaware of the situation. Conversely, if Spirit makes me aware of the situation, I assume it has no problem with my intervening. In the end, it is not even my decision.
When I do intervene, though, I do it free of judgment and the need to blame anyone. I just do it, knowing that the Universe set the whole thing up for a reason and that there is perfection in there somewhere.
5
Radical Forgiveness Therapy
There’s little about Jill’s story that is unusual. The reality is, it could be anyone’s story. In fact, since the publication of the first edition of this book in 1997, many thousands of people have written, called, or emailed me to say that they identify so much with it that they felt, while reading it, that it was their own personal story. For many of those who have read it, this compelling story has been the beginning of their healing, just as it was for Jill.
Insofar as it is typical of many apparent relationship problems, the story also provides a good example of how Radical Forgiveness can be applied to the quite ordinary problems of everyday life and demonstrates its viability as a radical alternative to traditional counseling and psychotherapy. This practice became known as Radical Forgiveness Therapy (RFT).
There is some irony in this, since it is a fundamental principle of Radical Forgiveness that, notwithstanding all evidence to the contrary, nothing wrong is happening and there is nothing to change. How can it therefore be therapy? After all, the main principle underlying Radical Forgiveness is that “Without exception, everything that happens to us is divinely guided, purposeful, and for our greater good.”
The very notion of therapy implies that something is amiss and needs to be changed. When we go to a therapist, we expect our therapist to ask himself or herself these three basic questions:
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