Now Opening to a Reframe
8. I now realize that my soul encouraged me to form these beliefs in order to magnify my sense of separation so I could feel it more deeply for my spiritual growth. As I now begin to remember the truth of who I am, I give myself permission to let them go, and I now send love and gratitude to myself and Jeff for creating this growth experience.
Instructions: This is self-explanatory, but as we now get close to the reframe that Radical Forgiveness demands, the process gets more challenging. Sending love and gratitude to one’s victimizer is not easy. Fortunately Radical Forgiveness is a fake-it-till-you-make-it process, so just pretend to send love and gratitude if you have to. The process works anyway, so don’t worry.
Noticing a Pattern and Seeing the Perfection in It
9. I recognize that my Spiritual Intelligence has created stories in the past that are similar in circumstance and feeling to this one in order to magnify the emotional experience of separation that my soul wanted. I am seeing this as evidence that, even though I don’t know why or how, my soul has created this particular situation, too, in order that I learn and grow. (List similar stories and feeling experiences (as in 2b) and note the common elements in them.)
I have a longstanding pattern of attracting men who will not love me the way I want to be loved, and they always find ways to show me that I am not enough. Jeff was in a long line of such men. However, it was odd that he should act so cruelly, since he is ordinarily such a kind and sensitive man and hates to hurt people. It was also an oddity that both girls had the same name—Lorraine. It was a synchronicity that John was on a trip from Australia and was going on to Atlanta to see Colin, which meant I could tag along whereas I never would have done it on my own. The timing could not have been better.
Instructions: This step recognizes that we are curious human beings and that we have an insatiable need to know why things happen as they do. So although I have said elsewhere that we must abandon our need to know, this step offers us the chance to have some fun looking for some of the more obvious clues that would offer evidence that the situation was always perfect in some unexplainable way. So long as we do not make having such evidence a prerequisite for accepting that this was so, there is no harm in it, and it may turn on some light bulbs. Bear in mind, too, that there may well be nothing that strikes you as evidence one way or the other. If nothing stands out, don’t worry. It does not mean that the statement is any less true.
The kinds of clues to look out for might be as follows:
• Repeating Patterns: This is the most obvious one. Marrying the same kind of person over and over again is an example. Picking life partners who are just like your mother or father is another. The same kind of event happening over and over is a clear signal. People doing the same kinds of things to you, like letting you down or never listening to you, is another clue that you have an issue to work through in that area.
• Number Patterns: Not only do we do things repetitively, but we often do so in ways that have a numerical significance. We may lose our job every two years, fail in relationships every nine years, always create relationships in threes, get sick at the same age as our parents, find the same number turning up in everything we do, and so on. It is very helpful to construct a time line like the one I did for Jill (see FIGURE 1), except that you might fill in all the dates and note all intervals of time between certain events. You might well find a meaningful time correlation in what is happening.
• Body Clues: Your body gives you clues all the time. Are you always having problems on one side of your body, or in areas that correlate to particular chakras and the issues contained therein? Books by Caroline Myss, Louise Hay, and many others will help you to find meaning in what is happening to your body and what the healing message is. In our work with cancer patients, for example, the cancer always turned out to be a loving invitation to change or to be willing to feel and heal repressed emotional pain.
• Coincidences and Oddities: This is a rich field for clues. Anytime anything strikes you as odd or out of character, not quite as you’d expect, or way beyond chance probability, you know you are onto something. For example, in Jill’s story, not only was it odd that both girls who were getting the love Jill felt was denied her were called Lorraine, which is not a common name in England; they were also both blonde, blue-eyed, and the first-born of three. Jeff’s behavior was also extremely uncharacteristic. Far from being cruel and insensitive, he is an exceedingly kind, nurturing, and sensitive man. I can’t imagine Jeff being cruel to anyone or anything. His behavior toward Jill certainly struck me as odd in the extreme.
Where once we thought things happened by chance and were just coincidences, we are now willing to think that it is our spiritual intelligence making things happen synchronistically for our highest good. It is these synchronicities that lie embedded in our stories, and once we see them as such, we then become free to feel the truth in the statement: “My soul has created this situation in order that I learn and grow.”
That last sentence in Step 9 is probably the most important statement on the worksheet. It reinforces the notion that thoughts, feelings, and beliefs create our experiences, and that, furthermore, we order our reality in such a way as to support our spiritual growth. When we open ourselves to this truth, the problem almost always disappears. That’s because there are no problems, only misperceptions.
The statement also challenges us to accept the possibility that the situation may be purposeful and to let go of the need to know the how and the why of it. This is where most intellectually inclined people have the greatest difficulty. They want proof before they believe anything. Therefore they make “knowing why” a condition for accepting the situation as a healing opportunity.
It’s no good asking why things happen as they do, because this is asking to know the mind of God. At our current level of spiritual development, we cannot possibly know the mind of God. We must give up our need to know why (which is a victim’s question anyway), and surrender to the idea that God does not make mistakes, and therefore everything is in divine order.
The importance of this step comes in its ability to help you feel your way out of the victim mode into the possibility that the person, object, or situation with whom you have the issue reflects precisely that part of yourself that you have rejected and which cries out to be accepted. It acknowledges that the divine essence within, the knowing part of yourself, your soul—whatever you want to call it—has set the situation up for you so that you can learn, grow, and heal a misperception or a false belief.
This step also creates self-empowerment. Once we realize we have created a situation, we have the power to change it. We can choose to see ourselves as the victim of circumstance, or we can choose to see our circumstance as an opportunity to learn, grow, and have our lives be the way we want.
Do not judge yourself for creating a situation. Remember, the divine part of yourself created it. If you judge the divine part of you, you judge God. Acknowledge yourself as a wonderful, creative, divine being with the ability to create your own lessons along the spiritual path, lessons that will eventually take you home. Once you are able to do this, you are able to surrender to the divine essence that you are and trust it to do the rest.
IV. TOWARD THE REFRAME
10. I now realize that I get upset only when someone resonates in me those parts of me I have disowned, denied, repressed, and then projected onto them.
I see now the truth in the adage, “If you spot it, you’ve got it!” It’s me in the mirror!
Instructions: These statements acknowledge that when we get upset with someone, that person is invariably reflecting back to us the very parts of ourselves we most despise and have projected onto them.
If we can open ourselves enough to be willing to accept that this person is offering us a chance to accept and love a part of ourselves that we have condemned, and that he or she is a healing angel in that sense, the work will have been done.
&nb
sp; As I have said before, you don’t have to like this person. Just recognize them as a mirror, thank their soul by doing this worksheet, and move on. Neither do we need to figure out what parts of ourselves are being mirrored. Usually it is far too complicated anyway. Let it go at that, and don’t be drawn into an analysis. It works best without it.
11. Jeff is reflecting what I need to love and accept in myself. Thank you Jeff, for this gift. I am now willing to take back the projection and own it as a part of my shadow. I love and accept this part of me.
Instructions: This statement reminds us that through our stories, which are always full of misperceptions, we create our reality and our lives. We will always draw people to us who will mirror our misperceptions and offer us the opportunity to heal the error and move in the direction of truth.
12. Even though I may not understand it all, I now realize that you and I have both been receiving exactly what we each had subconsciously chosen and were doing a dance with and for each other to bring us to a state of awakened consciousness.
Instructions: This statement serves as yet another reminder that we can instantly become aware of our subconscious beliefs if we look at what shows up in our lives. What we have at any particular point in time truly is what we want. We have, at the soul level, chosen our situations and experiences, and our choices are not wrong. This is true for all parties involved in the drama. Remember, there are no villains or victims, just players. Each person in the situation is getting exactly what he or she wants. Everyone is engaged in a healing dance.
13. I now realize that nothing you, Jeff, have done is either right or wrong. I am able now to release the need to blame you or anyone else. I release the need to be right about this, and I am willing to see the perfection in the situation just the way it is.
Instructions: This step goes against everything we have ever been taught about being able to distinguish between right and wrong, good and evil. After all, the whole world gets divided up along those lines. Yes, we know that the World of Humanity is really just an illusion, but that doesn’t alter the fact that human experiences demand that we make these particular distinctions in our daily lives.
What helps us with this step is realizing that we are only affirming that there is no right or wrong, good or bad, when seeing things from the spiritual big-picture standpoint—from the perspective of the World of Divine Truth. From there we are able to get beyond the evidence of our senses and minds and see divine purpose and meaning in everything. Once we are able to see that, we can also see that there is no right or wrong. It just is.
This step also confronts you with the perfection in the situation and tests your willingness to see this perfection. While it will never be easy to see the perfection or good in something such as child abuse, we can be willing to see the perfection in the situation, be willing to drop the judgment, and be willing to drop the need to be right. While it may always be difficult to recognize that both the abuser and the abused somehow created their situation to learn a lesson at the soul level, and that their mission was to transform the situation on behalf of all abused people, we can nevertheless be willing to entertain this thought.
Obviously, the closer we are to a situation, the more difficult it becomes to see its perfection, but seeing the perfection does not always mean understanding it. We cannot know the reasons why things happen as they do; we must simply have faith that they are happening perfectly and for the highest good of all.
Observe your strong need to be right. We possess an enormous investment in being right, and we learned at an early age to fight to be right, which usually means proving that someone else is wrong. We even measure our self-worth by how often we are right; thus it is no wonder that we have such trouble accepting that something just is—that it is inherently neither right nor wrong. If you really cannot at this point drop your judgment about something that seems awful, just reconnect with your feelings (see Step 3 above), move into them, and admit to yourself that you cannot yet take this step. Still, be willing to drop your judgment. Willingness always remains the key. It creates the energetic imprint of Radical Forgiveness. As the energy shifts, all else follows.
14. I am willing to see that, for whatever reason, my mission or “soul contract” included having experiences like this and that you and I may have agreed to do this dance with and for each other in this lifetime. If it is for the highest good for both of us. I now release you and me from that contract.
Instructions: This statement is simply there to remind us of one of the assumptions of Radical Forgiveness: that we come into this life experience with a mission or an agreement with Spirit to do certain things, be a certain way, or transform certain energies. Whatever that mission was or is, we simply know that whatever experiences we are having are part and parcel of the role we came in to play. Princess Diana’s story is a great example of that. Please note that the last part of the statement absolves us from the need to know what the mission was.
15. I release from my consciousness all feelings of (as in 2b):
Instructions: This enables you to affirm that you release the feelings that you had noted in Box 2b. As long as these emotions and thoughts remain in your consciousness, they block your awareness of the misperception that is causing the upset. If you still feel strongly about the situation, you still have an investment in whatever the misperception is—your belief, interpretation, judgment, etc. Do not judge this fact or try to change your investment. Just notice it.
Your emotions about your situation may come back time and time again, and you can make that okay too. Just be willing to feel them and then release them, at least for the moment, so that the light of awareness can shine through you and allow you to see the misperception. Then, once again, you can choose to see the situation differently.
Releasing emotions and their corresponding thoughts serves an important role in the forgiveness process. As long as those thoughts remain operative, they continue to lend energy to our old belief systems, which created the reality we are now trying to transform. Affirming that we release both the feeling and the thoughts attached to them begins the healing process.
V. REFRAMING THE STORY
The Reframe Statement
16. The story in number 1 was your Victim Story, based in the old paradigm of reality (victim consciousness). Now attempt a different perception of the same event (a reframe) from your new, empowered position, based on the insights you have experienced as you have proceeded through this worksheet. (It may simply be a general statement indicating that you just know everything is perfect, or a statement that includes things specific to your situation if, that is, you can actually see what the perfection is. Often you cannot. Be careful not to do a reframe that is based in “world of humanity” terms. Note any positive shift in feeling tone.)
I now realize ... that Jeff was simply mirroring my false belief that I was unlovable, and he was giving me the gift of healing. Jeff loves me so much that he was willing to endure the discomfort of acting it out for me. I now see that I was getting everything I wanted for my own healing and that Jeff was getting what he wanted for his healing. The situation was perfect in that sense and is evidence of Spirit working in my life and that I am loved. Everything is truly in divine order unfolding according to my divine plan. Jeff is a blessing in my life, and I give thanks for him no matter what happens in the future.
Instructions: If you are not able to see a new interpretation that is specific to your situation, that’s not a problem. The Radical Forgiveness reframe might simply be expressed in a very general way, such as, “What happened was simply the unfolding of a divine plan. It was called forth by my own Higher Self for my spiritual growth, and the people involved were doing a healing dance with me, so, in truth, nothing wrong ever happened.” Writing something like that would be perfectly adequate. On the other hand, if you did have some insights into how it all worked out in a perfect sense, that would be fine too.
What would not be helpful would be to write
an interpretation based on assumptions rooted in the World of Humanity, like giving reasons why it happened or making excuses. You might be exchanging one B.S. story for another, or even shifting into pseudo-forgiveness. A new interpretation of your situation should allow you to feel its perfection from the spiritual standpoint and become open to the gift it offers you. Your reframe should offer a way of looking at your situation that reveals the hand of God or Divine Intelligence working for you and showing you how much It loves you.
Note: You may have to complete many worksheets on the same issue before you feel the perfection. Be absolutely truthful with yourself, and always work from your feelings. There are no right answers, no goals, no grades, and no end products here. The value lies in the process, in doing the work. Let whatever comes be perfect, and resist the urge to edit and evaluate what you write. You cannot do it wrong.
VI. INTEGRATING THE SHIFT
17. I completely forgive myself, Jill, and accept myself as a loving, generous, and creative being. I release all need to hold on to emotions and ideas of lack and limitation connected to the past. I withdraw my energy from the past and release all barriers against the love and abundance I know I have in this moment. I create my life and I am empowered to be myself again, to unconditionally love and support myself, just the way I am, in all my power and magnificence.
Radical Forgiveness Page 17