by Emilia Finn
“So, basically, you’re in a fully committed relationship with your best friend. No other girls, no dating, no necking in your truck at the drive-in movies.”
“We don’t have drive-in movies in our town.”
I smile. “That’s true, but four years is a long time, and you just never know what may happen. So I figured I’d lay that rule down, since we’re already going.”
He chuckles. “Okay. What’s your point? I don’t mind not getting a new chick friend. They’re all lame anyway, so–”
I go for it. I leap forward like an uncoordinated giraffe and latch my lips onto his in my impersonation of a starving leech. I’ve never kissed a boy before, but I’ve practiced. With my hand. In my head. I’ve watched movies, and I’ve taken a peek when my mom and Biggie are feeling a little extra. It all looks so easy in theory, but now that I’m throwing myself at Ben and praying he’ll catch me before I fall into the spring, it feels clumsy and weird.
It’s not because he’s your friend. He is not your friend. He is your man. Take what’s yours, Evelyn Kincaid!
“Whoa.” With wide eyes and his hands on my ribs, Ben pulls back with embarrassingly spit-coated lips and fidgety eyes. They flicker between my eyes, my lips, and what I’m certain is my heart pounding out of my chest. “Evie…?” He blows out a heavy breath and practically holds me up so I’m neither sitting on the ground, nor am I sitting in his lap. “Um… Did you have a stroke or something?”
“No.” I grab the back of his head and try to pull him closer. “Don’t say no. Don’t let me leave tomorrow without doing this.”
“Evie…” He almost looks like he’s in pain. “I’m seriously, seriously fucking confused right now. I don’t know how—”
“It’s just a kiss, Ben. Fuck!” I wriggle in his arms until I drop into his lap, then I grab the back of his head and pull him down again so I can continue with my weirdness, but he stops me. He stares into my eyes and perfects that smolder he’s been working on for so long.
“Evie…”
“Don’t reject me.” I hate that my voice cracks. I’m not a weak woman. I don’t do the girly emotions or the needy ‘Like me’ stuff. “This is where we’ve always been heading, right? You want this too, don’t you?”
“Do I want to kiss you?” His voice is rough and gravelly. “Are you seriously asking me if I want to kiss you right now?”
I shake my head. “No, mostly I’m telling you that you have to. Once I learn how to use my tongue right, I figure you’ll get on board and join in.”
Something grows beneath my ass. And not just any old something, but the kind of something that makes my eyes wide.
“I’m your best friend,” he groans out. “And I’ve been watching your back since the day we met. You’re the reason I come to that gym every single day. But I mean… I don’t wanna take anything from you that you’re not ready to give.”
“I don’t want to go away tomorrow without doing this.” I try to pull him down again. Everything is so awkward and weird, but I’ve come too far, and I’m incapable of taking it back. “Ben, if you’d just…” I try to pull him down. “Just work with me, and in a minute, it’ll feel less weird.”
“Why do you wanna kiss me, Evie? Like, for real, why?”
“Because…” I let my eyes flicker between his. “Because you’re my best friend. And if there’s anything I’ve learned in my life, it’s that you should trust your heart to your best friend.”
“But Mac is also your friend.” His eyes grow darker, hotter. “Best friends, even. Why don’t you try to kiss him?”
My eyes narrow. “What?”
“I’m not saying I’d be happy about it,” he adds on an almost growl. “I’m just trying to figure out your brain.”
“Because… Mac is my friend, but it’s not like that…” I release his shoulders and slump down into his lap with a pout. “Because I want to kiss you. Because I love you. Kissing Mac would be like trying to kiss Bean. He’s my family. Practically my brother.”
“And I’m not like that?” His blue eyes flicker between mine. “I’m not like a brother?”
I shake my head.
“Am I a practice run? So you can be ready for the college guys?”
I shake it again. “No. You’re my…” I swallow. “This is me saying I don’t want to leave without telling you how I feel.” Dejected, I try to crawl out of his lap. “Forget it. You made it weird.”
“No, wait.” He pulls me back so I’m laid out on his lap. His right arm rests under my shoulders, and his left hand splays across my stomach, leaving a handprint-sized patch of heat to burn against my skin. He stares into my eyes, as though trying to read my mind, and the longer he stares, the closer he comes. He bends his back, and tests his bicep when he slowly pulls me up. “This is for the right reasons? I feel like you’re gonna call shenanigans or something.”
“No shenanigans,” I whisper. “You’ve been my man for years. Haven’t you noticed?”
He swallows. Nods.
“So now I want to do this with you, because I don’t want to give it to anyone else. And I don’t want you to give yours to other people either.”
Ben’s lips hover merely an inch from mine, so his breath tickles my chin and sends my heart galloping with nerves. “You’ll be mine even when you’re away? No take-backs?”
“No take-backs.” I try to sit up in his lap, but the inch gap between us is closed when Ben’s lips press to mine and suck the oxygen from my body.
“Like this,” he murmurs. His lips slide over mine with a slow caress, gentle movements, teasing nips until my lips open. For the first time in my life, a boy’s tongue enters my mouth, but then mine comes out too. I wrap my arms around his strong shoulders and settle into his lap, and when his hands change position from pushing away to holding, he pulls me closer and kisses me the way they do in the movies.
One nip. Two. His tongue follows his teeth and soothes away the tiny ache that sends electricity beneath my skin.
“I’ve wanted to kiss you since I saw you in the gym the first time.” His breath comes hot and heady against my skin. His eyes are closed, so I close mine too and sigh when his strong hand wraps around my hip and pulls me closer. “I’ve been staring at your lips for years.”
“Even when we hated each other?”
He cups my jaw and changes the angle of our kiss. “Yes.” His breath scorches down my throat. “Even then. Especially then.” His teeth latch onto my bottom lip and nibble. “That’s why you pissed me off so much. You were a toy I couldn’t play with. For years, you’ve been right here in front of me.” He kisses me again. “But untouchable.”
“You can touch me now.” I use my core strength to maneuver into his lap. From passively laying down, to straddling him, my eyes widen when something hard and demanding presses against my inside thigh.
His gentle breaths turn to a painful groan. “Jesus, Evie.”
“You want me too.” No longer impersonating a leech, and instead timing my moves and sinking into his arms, I take my cues from him and let my tongue glide over his lips. “We could have been doing this ages ago.”
“I think if we were, we’d have killed each other.” His hands glide over my hips and, when he’s feeling brave, under my ass until he squeezes and I gasp. “You’re so perfect, Evie. I’ve wanted this forever.”
“My man.” I slide my lips away from his and grin when he audibly disapproves.
I let my body do the things it wants to do, rather than overthink it and try to copy the movie couples. I slide my tongue over the rough stubble on his jaw, and let out an involuntary groan when the coarse skin sends shots of electricity to my toes. I bite his jawbone, gently at first, but harder when he squeezes me.
“I’m going away, but this is real.” I nip on his earlobe. “This is real, and it’s happening. I’ll be back for Christmas, which means you can take me out on a real date.”
His chest bounces with muted laughter. “Okay.”
“Romance the shit out of me. Don’t start the rest of our lives off wrong, or I’ll never stop throwing it in your face when we argue.”
“Okay.” No longer laughing, he grabs my face. He’s strong, and he’s never been gentle with me. I try to fight his hold, I’m not done tasting his skin, but he pulls me up and waits for my eyes to focus. “This isn’t an impulse thing, right?”
“Only if you consider three years of wishing an impulse.”
“Mine?” His eyes flicker between mine. “Truly mine?”
I nod. “I was already yours. But now we can say the words too.”
We stay down by the springs until after dark. Biggie is going to kill us both, because the whole family is waiting for me to get back so we can have our final dinner before the first baby flies the coop. But I couldn’t leave. I couldn’t peel myself off Ben even if some kind of sea monster had risen out of the depths of the spring and threatened to eat our heads.
So we took our time. We touched and tasted and promised forevers the way only a couple of teenagers can; without reservation, or the bitterness the world leaves in most adult hearts after a dozen too many sledgehammers to the face.
I sit now exactly where I sat on the way out to the springs. In the middle seat, with the entire side of my body pressed to Ben’s. But now it feels different.
Streetlights flicker through the windows and illuminate our laced hands as I hold them up in front of my face. I study them, because we’ve held hands a million times before, but never after kissing. Never after declaring we’re together. Now they look different. Or maybe my outlook is different.
“I’m gonna call you every single day.” Ben slows at the traffic lights in the center of town, and when the single car to our right gets their green light and ambles across the intersection, Ben presses a kiss to the top of my hair. “I promise. Every single day.”
“Every single day.” I hate how I want to burst into ridiculous tears when he peels his lips from my hair and moves forward when our light turns green. “I’ll be waiting.”
“It’s only three months.” He says it like a mantra. Like it’s the only way he can cope. “I’ll be flat-out training for my fight anyway, so even if you were here, we wouldn’t see each other much.”
“Such a liar,” I whisper. “I would see you every day. I would be part of your prep team. We could spar, and I’d help you with your arm bar.”
“Instead, I’ll be part of your prep team. As soon as they throw homework at you, call me and we’ll work on it. I’ll be your sexy tutor, and every time you do good, we’ll write down your tally. Every point gets a kiss.”
“To be delivered when I come back at Christmas?”
He swallows what I know is grief. “I swear. I’ll deliver at Christmas. We’ll go on a real date, I’ll know you dressed up for me…”
“I dress for you most days.” I turn into his chest and try to fight the emotion that threatens to spill over as we approach the estate gates. “Those booty shorts I wear–”
“Fucking kill me,” he growls. “I swear, those booty shorts are gonna be the end of me.”
“I see you looking sometimes,” I whisper. The gates open ahead of us. It’s kind of ominous, because my entire family will be waiting for us, but I can’t find it in my heart to feel bad. “I see you looking at my butt when I train.”
“Nearly got myself killed a million times.” He pulls into my driveway with a chuckle and, unlacing his hand from mine, pulls on the handbrake. He cuts the engine, and ignores the way my front door opens and Biggie steps onto the porch. He’s mad, but I still turn to Ben and grin.
“My family loves you. It’s their job to be grumpy and weird about their baby girl having a male best friend, but they really do love you.”
“Best friends?” He asks as though he’s unsure, so when I nod, he grins. “And now I’m your man? No take-backs.”
“You’ve been my man a long time. You just didn’t know it yet.” I flash a grin and unsnap my seatbelt. “Come in and have dinner with us. You know you were gonna anyway.”
“They’re gonna kill me.”
“No they’re not.” I lean across him and push his door open. “My family don’t kill people. They hurt. They maim. They tie to the train tracks in prep for tar and feathers.”
He purses his lips.
“But they don’t kill. We’d rather make people live with their new deformities. It’s more fun that way.”
“You’re savage.” He pushes out of the truck and drops to his booted feet. And just like earlier, I slide out his side and smile when he doesn’t let go of my hand.
This friendship has been going on so long that this won’t be the first time we’ve walked around while holding hands. It won’t even be the first time he’s hugged me or thrown an arm over my shoulder while we walk.
But it feels different.
With his hip touching my ribs, and his arm securely fastened around my shoulders, it sure feels different as we move up the driveway and step onto the porch.
Biggie watches us with narrowed eyes and thin lips. He’s not a stupid man. “Smalls?”
“Biggie.”
“Go inside a sec. I wanna talk to Ben.”
“What?” Ben’s voice cracks as I slip out of his hug and step toward Biggie.
I stop in front of him for a brief pause, stare into his eyes, then grinning, I shake my head and duck between him and the doorframe. “Good luck, Sasquatch. See you on the other side.”
“Evelyn!”
It’s like he’s hanging off a cliff. His fingertips are all that are holding him up, and I could reach out to help him. But I don’t.
Laughing, I walk away and head into my packed house, toward the delicious scent of Pip’s Pizzeria pizza, and the sound of squealing children running around.
As soon as I step into the kitchen, I grab my mom and drag her into the hallway.
“Babe?” Mom trips in her heels and works to keep up to her agile daughter who wears sneakers.
We pass my Aunt Kit, so I grab her too. And when Aunt Tink senses she’s missing out on something amazing, she races out of the living room and catches up to our group as I turn and drag them up the stairs.
My heart thrums so fast that I fear it might spin out of my chest and fly away.
I release Aunt Kit, knowing she’ll follow, and instead use that hand to press against my heart. We reach the top landing of the stairs, and before turning into the hall, I look back to the front door and smile when I catch a glimpse of a white-faced Ben walking in with Biggie. He’s shaky and nervous, but when our eyes meet, he turns positively green.
I keep a steely grip on Mom’s sleeve, and as soon as our group steps into her bedroom at the top of the hall, I release her and toss myself onto her bed. My aunts remain silent, like they know this is big. They’re not just my aunts, pushed together because of who their husbands are. They’re best friends, a girl gang that is about as powerful as the relationship I have with Bean. So Mom follows me to the bed and lays down beside me, despite her beautiful dress and freshly styled hair. Aunt Kit lays on my other side, then Tink does what Tink does. She climbs onto me and straddles my thighs, because she doesn’t want to miss out on anything good.
“Speak, baby.” Mom turns to her side and studies my eyes. “Please speak. Tell me what’s going on.”
“I kissed Ben.”
Three sets of eyes widen.
“We went for a hike, and when we were sitting and chatting about college and stuff, we kissed.”
Money exchanges hands as smoothly as if this were a drug deal on a known corner. Kit cleans up, but I make no mention on the bets they’ve placed on my romantic life.
“He kissed you?”
I shake my head and tuck wild strands of hair behind my ear. “No. I kissed him. He was too scared to make a move, so I kissed him.”
More money exchanges hands.
“Are you…” Mom blows out a heady breath. “Wow. Okay. How do you feel?”
“Like I don’t want to go away tomorrow.” Finally, I let the tears come, to purge the pain from my heart. I need to grieve and extract this poison from my blood before it kills me. “I don’t think I’ve wanted anything as much as I want you to say I don’t have to go.”
“I’m sorry, babe. You know I am, right?” She reaches out and swipes a tear from my cheek. “I love you, and I swear, you’re my best friend in the whole world. I just want to make you happy.”
“Happy means staying he–”
“But before I became your friend, I was your mom. And that job isn’t always pretty. It’s not always going to make you like me. This is one of those times where I have to insist.”
“But, Mom…” My breath catches with pain. “I don’t want to leave him.”
“If it’s meant to be, it’ll wait. And if it’s not, maybe your meant-to-be is away at college. But no matter what happens, I refuse to let you make your life plans around a man. You do these things for you, get your education, figure out your backup plan in case fighting doesn’t work out, and then you worry about him. I know Ben agrees with me. He’ll miss you too, but he wants what is best for you.”
“Four years is such a long time.”
“I know.” Her lips quiver, because I know she hurts for me. This is the first time she’ll have to be without me too. We were a team for so long, just the two of us running from a mutual enemy. I was all she had for a long time, and she was all I had. Maybe we have Biggie now, and we have my sisters. But for the first time in seventeen years, my mom is losing her little girl too. “I know it’s a long time, honey. But I promise it’ll be worth it. You need to do this for you. Ben will wait, I swear he will. And if he doesn’t, it wasn’t going to work out anyway.”
Ben
Suddenly, The World Isn’t as Colorful
I’m supposed to give the gym eight hours of undivided attention a day. It’s in my contract that I don’t slack off, but no one gives me shit when my phone rings and I throw myself on it like it’s a live grenade. My mouthguard makes me slur my words. My gloves make my moves clumsy, but I still manage to tear one off and shove my mouthguard into the waistband of my shorts for safekeeping, then sweeping my phone from the corner of the canvas, I meet Bobby Kincaid’s eyes and swipe to answer.