by Emilia Finn
“Are you still talking about drugs? Or has your metaphor turned into chocolate?”
“I don’t know!” he shouts on a desperate cry that makes me snicker. “The point is, I’m gonna get chocolate all over my hands and face. I can’t just sample.”
I stand at the edge of the pool in dark red underwear and bite my bottom lip. “I trust you, Ben. You won’t do anything that will hurt us. So how about you get undressed already and jump in?” I turn and sit on the edge. Freezing snow soaks through my panties instantly, but then I slide into the warm water and groan. “Jesus, it’s like a toaster oven.”
“God.” Instead of undressing, Ben drops down into a crouch and presses the heels of his hands into his eyes. “I’m not strong enough for this. I can’t… it’s not…” He shakes his head. “There’s a reason your name is Eve. I’m certain of it.”
I give a throaty snicker and shake my head. “I was this close to making a joke about eating my apple, but it felt too dirty. It might be too much for us right now.”
“Way too fucking much,” he groans. “Don’t you understand this place is our garden of Eden, you’re my Eve, and we’re about to screw everything up?”
“It’s not as scary as you think.” I stand on the shelf in the pool so the top half of my body leaves the water and goosebumps race over my skin. I reach out with a hand, because I know, whatever crisis he’s having in his head, Ben will always take my hand. He will never not take my hand. “Please hop in, Ben. It doesn’t have to be so scary. We’re gonna kiss. So what?”
His eyes come up and make my breathing shallower. They’re darker than normal. Haunted and in genuine pain. “Promise everything is gonna be okay between us? Because I’d prefer to be best friends without the extras, rather than kiss you for a little while and lose everything.”
“Nothing has changed. Nothing will change. We always used to hold hands. We always sat close. We always watched movies and came down here for a swim.”
“But now I get to kiss you?”
I nod. Smile. And feel the molten lava in my stomach pulse and grow when he releases my hand and stands to strip. He hangs the towels on a branch, and places his coat and shirt over mine. Unlacing his boots, he kicks them off one by one, and peels his socks away to tuck each into a boot before they get wet.
His eyes come back to mine when his fingers stop on the buckle of his belt. He might have been a boy when we met, and he might still be a boy in the eyes of my parents, but he’s a man in every other sense of the word. Boys don’t have bodies like his. They don’t have the body of a pro fighter, with the rippling muscle and proud pecs. They don’t have eight protruding abs, or that V line that stretches straight into his jeans.
Not even Mac’s body looks like Ben’s. Not yet, anyway.
When I don’t object, but instead give a gentle nod and slowly lower back into the water, he closes his eyes and lowers the zipper. He pushes his jeans over his hips, and screws his eyes tighter when the denim falls to his knees and my eyes are stuck on his underwear. He doesn’t wear the silk boxers many others do, but black underwear that shows off strong thighs and cups something I have never seen in real life.
“I’m so sorry,” he groans. “I can’t make that go away. You’re in your underwear, and you’re talking about kissing and stuff.”
“It’s okay.” I push off the shelf and gently tread water to give him space to climb in. He makes the faces I made when he sits in the snow and slides in. First the frigid cold, and then the fiery warmth. He slides in and sits on the shelf so the water laps up to his chest, and after a silent moment, his eyes open and stop on mine.
“You okay?”
“Me?” I look over my shoulder as though someone else might be here. “Of course.” I paddle forward with the world’s slowest stroke. I give him time to process. Time to accept me. And when I’m close enough, I take his hands and slide up to straddle his lap, rather than sit beside him like I normally would.
“Jesus. Fuck.” His penis hardens beneath me. It pulses and moves.
I’ve never done this before. I’ve never been with anyone in such an intimate way, so it’s not like my body doesn’t react to his. My breath comes shorter, sharper, as his erection presses against my sensitive nerve endings beneath the lace. My heart hammers, and when he looks like he might literally pass out from worry, I grab his right hand, the hand that bears our promise ring, and place it over my heart. “It’s gonna be okay, Ben. I swear it will. You need to relax.”
“It’s my job to protect you,” he grits out. “Even if the thing I’m protecting you from is… well, me. I would kill anyone else if I found you sitting in their lap like this. Like, I would actually strangle the life from their body. But now I’m the guy, and this thing you seem to want… it’s my most coveted wish and my biggest fear. It’s both. Because as a man, I want you so much that I think I might die if I don’t get a taste. But as your best friend, it’s my job to protect you and maintain your innocence.”
“How about this?” I lean in and press a gentle kiss to his jaw. “You protect me from everyone else. And I’ll make my own decisions when it comes to you. I always have, right?”
The hand on my heart squeezes as though he wants to hold the actual organ in his palm. “You always have. You’re brave enough. Strong enough.” His words are a whisper, a chant, as I slide my lips along his strong jaw, and nip when I reach the warm skin beneath his ear.
Every time I bite, his penis pulses between my legs and creates a special kind of experiment for me.
Bite here; make it grow.
Lick there; make him groan.
“I’ve been waiting for this.” I come back to his lips and smile when he clamps his shut and refuses me entry.
He’s being the prude, saving us both from me. So what does any self-respecting woman do? I slide in his lap and grind down until his mouth pops open with awe.
“That’s better.” I slide my tongue over his and truly taste him for the first time.
Last time, I was a bundle of nerves and rush, and in hindsight, I barely remember it. It’s not like I’ve had a chance to practice over the last three months, but I have had time to work through it in my head. I’ve been able to have this relationship with him, minus the rush and nerves. Now I get the rest, and I don’t have to worry about rejection.
He wants me. He’s just doing what Ben does best; worrying.
“Evie. Jesus.” His hand escapes from between us and slides along my body. His broad palm makes me feel small, his thumbs slide along my belly, and his fingertips almost touch my spine. He hasn’t been a boy in a long time, which is precisely why he’s been looking, but not touching. “You’re like the perfect drug,” he murmurs. “You’re potent and leave me wanting every single time we’re in the same room. You’re not even bad for my health.”
“Except when I am,” I snort. “I’ve almost gotten us all killed a bunch of times.”
“It’s my job to protect you.” He lifts me up as though he needs me to get off of him, but when I pull back and frown, he pulls me down so hard that electricity roars through my blood. “Jesus. Fuck. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. It’s you and me, Ben.” I dive forward with a racing pulse and slide my tongue along his neck. “Eventually we’re going to do this, but without pants. We’re going to be each other’s firsts, and it’s going to be amazing.”
“Evie…”
“And you’re not allowed to feel guilty about it.”
Bravely, I reach down between us faster than his sex-starved brain can process, lift onto my knees to give myself room, and palm him outside of his underwear.
He almost sends me flying when he juts up, and his roar echoes in the trees surrounding us. “Fuck, Evelyn! Stop. Please stop.” His words are a whimper. A genuine pain. “I’m begging you to stop.”
“What would happen if…” I lean back far enough to create a full foot of space between our chests, and looking down, though I can’t see into the black water, I pee
l the waistband of his underwear forward. I fully intend to touch his penis, but it catches me by surprise, because the head is right there, and when my fingertips brush over the tip, water laps over the side of the pool from Ben’s violent jerk. “I’m… wow. I’m touching Ben Conner’s penis.”
I laugh at my silly statement, but Ben’s eyes remain closed, his breath coming out on fast pants that are guaranteed to make him dizzy if he doesn’t slow.
“What would happen if I did this?” I don’t wait for his permission. I dig my hand deeper into his underwear and wrap my palm around his penis until his breath comes to a dead standstill.
My fingers don’t meet back around to my thumb. That’s both interesting and worrying to me. I don’t know how thick a standard penis is, but I know how thick my tampons are, and I feel like we may have a logistical concern.
“Evie. Please stop.” His words say one thing, but his hips say another as he thrusts upward and makes his length move in my hand.
Without seeing, I feel the skin roll against my palm with a smooth, sleek slide that makes the pulse point between my legs beat harder. I squirm, because inexperienced or not, I know I want to feel what this means for us.
“Oh god,” Ben moans.
“I wonder what that would feel like, but inside me?” I squeeze tighter and slide my hand along his length. “I bet it would feel good.”
“Not until you’re eighteen,” he chants. “Not until you’re eighteen. Oh god.” He reacts when I slide my hand back up. “Oh lord, not until she’s eighteen.”
“You’re eighteen,” I lean closer and whisper. “That’s good enough, no?”
“No! Oh my god. That’s worse.” His chest lifts so high, I worry he might float away. “That’s so much worse. I’m older. I’m supposed to protect you.”
I let my hand continue to slide over him. To torture him. Because as the younger, annoying best friend, my entire existence has been about torturing him. “What exactly are you protecting, Ben?” I slide my tongue over his earlobe. “My virginity?”
He clamps his lips shut and nods.
“So, penetration. We’re not going to penetrate.”
“God, please don’t say penetrate again.”
“Penetrate.” I smile and rub myself against him. “So I can touch your penis.”
“Nope.” His eyes remain screwed shut as he shakes his head. “Nope, you can’t.”
“Well, I kinda already am.” I give a fast pump to prove my power. “So touching is okay. But putting it in – today – is no bueno.”
“Evie, stop.” His body lifts, as though the tension coiling in his blood gives him the ability to levitate. “Jesus, please stop. I’m gonna… you know…”
“Come?”
His eyes snap open. “How do you know that word?”
I roll my eyes and continue to push him to the brink of insanity. “I read books. I read the good stuff. Which means I know the things we can do that don’t include penetration.”
Power swirls in my blood as he continues to grow and pulse in my hand. His breath is barely short, sharp intakes of nothing. He refuses to look me in the eye, but I don’t even mind. He’s powerless to stop me.
“Hey, Ben?” I wrap a hand around the back of his head and pull him closer. “Kiss my neck. Stop worrying about make-believe consequences, and kiss my neck instead.”
I cry out with surprise when he thrusts forward and latches his teeth to my skin with an almost savagery. His hips jut up, and his arms hold me so tight he crushes my hand between us for a moment. He’s trying to take back his power, but all he’s managing is to mark my skin and spur me on in my quest to make him insane.
“What would you do if I did this thing with my hand, but…” I smile when his heart seems to stop. “But with my mouth?”
“Oh god!” He throws his head back so hard, I worry he’ll cut it on the spring wall, but then his hips jut with a powerful thrust, followed by streams of white liquid that rise to the surface of the water for a mere second before they disappear again. “I just… oh god.”
“You just came.” I’m as breathless as he is. I’m in shock, but the kind where my pulse thrums in my panties, and my heart slams in search of his. “Holy wow.” A goofy grin mars my face, because I just overpowered him. I broke the mighty Ben Conner’s need for control. “I just did that.”
“Are you okay?” He lifts his head and looks into my eyes. His are massive orbs of pupil, and not much else. His lips are dry, and his chest heaves in search of breath. “Are you… do you need me to take you home… or to a counselor?”
“No.” Laughing, I lean backward until, letting go, I simply float on my back and give him space. “I don’t need to talk to someone besides you about that. I can’t believe I just…”
“I can’t believe you did, either.” He coughs, then swallows to lubricate his throat. “I can’t believe you just decide we’re together, and now you take control and unman me so swiftly.”
I straighten in the water, and tread with slow, gentle strokes so I barely break the surface. “Are you saying you’re mad I did that?”
“No, I’m saying I’m mad that you were forced to act out, because I wasn’t brave enough or strong enough to stop you.” He digs his hands into the water for a second, fixes his underwear, then pushes away from the ledge and meets me in the middle of the spring.
I last only a second with his hands on my hips before I stop swimming and wrap my legs around his hips, and my arms around his neck. It’s like a natural compulsion. I cannot remain treading water if he’s right here within touching distance.
He stares into my eyes for a minute, as though deciding for himself if I’m fine, and when he’s satisfied, he presses a gentle kiss to my lips. “I love you. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
“I’m fine, as long as you’re right here with me. Nothing else matters.”
“Come on.” He pulls away. “It’s time to go home. I can’t stay in this pool anymore, knowing what you just did.”
“Hey, Ben?”
I smile when he turns in the water to stare into my eyes. His are still hungry and hooded. He’s barely skirting the edge between animal and human. He’s fighting every instinct he possesses, because the thing I did with my hand isn’t the same as what we could have done if we’d gone all the way.
“Yeah?”
“Was it the mention of my mouth that undid you?”
“Ugh!” He slams a hand onto the top of my head and dunks me without remorse.
I go under and fight my long curls as they blind and disorient me, and by the time I resurface and wipe the water from my eyes, he’s already out and wrapping the towel around his body.
“Get out of that water, Evelyn. Then keep your hands to yourself.”
My hair is wet, and since there’s so much of it, we stand no chance of it drying between the springs and my home. My family will know we were swimming, and there’s nothing either of us can do about it. It’s snowing, it’s Christmas night, and my hair is wet. They’re going to wonder where the hell we were swimming, so my mom will call Ben’s and ask if we were in the tub on their deck, and when Lindsi says no, we weren’t, my mom’s investigations will begin.
Ben’s hand remains wrapped around mine once he pulls into my driveway and cuts the engine. He slides out his side, and pulls me along to copy. For the first time in our lives, he remains standing too close, so our bodies slide together until my feet touch the ground.
Stunned by his move, I look up into his eyes and lick my lips.
Will he kiss me here? Will he make the same announcement I’ve been making for months? Everyone knows we’ve kissed. That kind of stuff doesn’t remain a secret once the horde of moms know, and there’s not much I’ve ever kept from mine.
Except for the swimming springs thing. I feel like that’s ours, mine and Ben’s, and no one else has the right to demand that information.
I’d sooner tell my mom that I touched Ben’s penis.
“Lov
e you.” He presses a fast, dry kiss on the edge of my jaw. “Thank you for coming to find me today.”
“I missed you.” I rest my hands on his hips in the exact position they were in when I first saw him at his house. “I saw you this morning, but then you were gone. I lasted three hours before I thought I’d shed my skin.”
“I’ll call you tonight at bedtime?”
I smile. Nod. “It’ll be kinda strange, knowing you’re within walking distance.”
“Don’t walk.” He presses another kiss to my jaw. “I’ll be super pissed if I find out you’ve walked across town in the middle of the night. I’ve rarely said no to your crazy shit.” He pulls back to catch my eyes. “Right? I don’t say no. I just say to call me, so I can supervise. If you get a bug up your ass in the middle of the night and think you might walk across town to see me, don’t. Stop, take a breath, and then call me. I’d rather have buckshot in my ass from your daddy than risk you walking alone.”
“Okay.” I wrap my arms around his body, since I know we’re being shielded by his truck door, and soon, we won’t be. I wrap my arms as far as they’ll go, and with a cleansing exhale, I rest my face on his chest. “Love you too. Call me when it’s bedtime. I won’t make it till morning if you forget me.”
“I won’t forget. I never have.”
He presses a kiss to the top of my head, and when my front door opens and the inside lights spill over the porch, I look through the car window and swallow at the sight of Biggie folding his arms.
“Uh oh.”
Ben chuckles. “Time to go tell him you love him, too. He’s not coping with the fact you grew up.”
“No?” I pull back and hold his hand. “How do you know?”
“Because I train with him every single day. For the last three months, he’s been different. He misses you like I miss you. He misses you in a way that makes me think of grief. It’s like you died.”