by Emilia Finn
This Christmas, it starts again, and I won’t fuck it up a second time.
“I’m going now.” I carry Ma’s dish through my living room and past Mom and Liv while they watch a movie. We’ve done our thing, exchanged gifts, eaten a meal together, and since they know where I’m going and why, they don’t hold a grudge that I won’t be home for Christmas night. “I’ll be back a little later.” Though of course, in my heart, I hope it’s not for many, many hours from now.
“Have fun, babe.” Mom doesn’t get up, but extends a hand and waits for me to come to her. She presses a kiss to my cheek as soon as she can reach, and when I stand again, her eyes hold me captive. “Be nice. Don’t hurt either of you over this.”
“I’m gonna fix it. I’ve given her space, I’ve been busy training hard, and I’ve stayed away from Nora. I’m doing all the right things, Mom. She just has to give me two seconds to show her.”
“Just…” Her eyes sparkle. “Just be careful, okay? Protect your heart, and protect hers too.”
“I will, I promise.” I mess up Liv’s hair as I pull back, and move past the TV far too slow, simply to annoy my little sister. “This is going to be a dinner that changes our lives. Everything will be better after this.”
I head toward the front door and through, only to stop for a second and smile at the soft flurries of snow floating to the ground. It started snowing when we took that important step in our relationship. We were snuggled up in the bed of my truck beneath a billion blankets and keeping each other warm. In those hours, we made promises and swore it would all work out.
The falling snow now is a good sign. It’s a good luck charm, and a pre-celebration celebration.
I close the front door at my back, and glance across to my beat-up truck to find Oz sliding chains over my tires. We rarely use chains around here, since we stay in town where the snowfall isn’t too bad, so his actions now bring my brows up high.
“Hey, Pig. What are you doing?”
My stepdad peeks over his shoulder and shows off a dark smudge of grease on his cheek. His eyes scour me from boots to hair, and then come back for a second round and stop on his Ma’s dish. “You guys made dessert? What is it?”
“Not for you.” I open the driver’s side door and slide the dish onto the bench seat, then closing it up again, I blow hot air into my hands and frown. “Seriously, what’s with the chains?”
“Snow’s predicted to get heavier tonight; I just wanted to make sure you’re prepared.”
“Prepared?” I frown. “For what?”
He shrugs and inspects his work. “There are a hundred ways tonight might turn out. Maybe Smalls’ll run into your teeny-weeny arms, in which case, maybe you’ll wanna drive up to the lookout and neck for a bit.”
“Teeny-weeny arms,” I scoff. “Bigger than yours. Bigger than you’ll ever be.”
“Yeah?” He stares straight into my fucking soul and grins. “If you say so.”
“I’ll kill you.” My breath comes faster and forces my nostrils to flare to take in enough oxygen. “You’re dead to me, Pig.”
He stands with a chuckle and wipes his hands on his jeans. “And perhaps, if she says something that maybe pisses you off and you leave to drive off your bad mood–” he kicks my tires “–well, you’re all set for that, too.”
“Don’t put that juju in the air.” I wave him off. “Don’t even mutter it.” When he steps back and declares all four tires done, I make my way to my door. “Send all the good Latino juju you got, Oscar. Make this happen for me.” I climb into my seat and slam the door closed, but before I can start the engine, I turn at the knock on my window.
Oz stands on the other side with a shy grin and waits for me to wind it down.
“What?” I ask as soon as the glass is down and the cold breeze rushes in.
“Just…” He chews the inside of his cheek while he sorts through his thoughts. “Just be careful, okay? Keep your shit under control, be nice, and if she’s not on the same page as you, that’s okay. What you had is gone, so today won’t be where you get to jump back into where you left off. You’re starting again, which means you need a brand-new foundation. Treat this like that.”
“Brand-new…”
He nods and takes a step back. “Brand spanking new, so if you speak to her and she doesn’t smile and reply, that’s okay. You wouldn’t toss a regular chick in the street over your shoulder and demand she love you back. Means you can’t do it to her either. You need to start out small: small smiles, small chat. Build it up, and be a fuckin’ gentleman about it.”
I laugh and tap my steering wheel. “Solid pep talk. Thanks, bruh.”
“Bruh…” Rolling his eyes, he takes a step back and does his best not to trample the flowers holding on with all their might and denying the winter. “If I’m your bro, then my relationship with your mom is all kinds of fucked up.”
“Dude! Don’t talk about my mom!”
“I don’t call her sis in bed, that’s all I’m saying.”
“Pig!”
He chuckles and backs away. “Love you, Sasquatch. Don’t get arrested tonight.”
“I never get arrested,” I scowl. “I’m a good person.”
He lifts a sharp brow in challenge. “Funny. Evelyn Kincaid is back in town; my spidey senses say there’s a high to super high chance of your ass going back to lockup. Call me if the po-po get you. I’ll do my best to get you out.”
I roll my eyes. “Po-po. Do you even hear yourself?” I start the engine and begin to crank the window up. “Catch you later, Pig. Love you, too.” I back out of my driveway, and grin at the crunching steel beneath my tires.
Driving with chains is a pain in the ass, but Oz went to the trouble to keep me safe, so I don’t pull off the road a mile away and tear them off again.
I slowly make my way through town and enjoy the way Ma’s fragrant pudding fills the cab of my truck. That woman is an angel sent straight from Heaven. She’s not Oz’s mother at all, just a sweet older lady he literally decided he wanted to keep when he was younger. He helped himself to her home so often over the years that he became part of the family, and because she has a soft spot for delinquents, she accepted me just the way she did Oz.
Now she bakes for us daily, and refuses to let us leave her sight without a smooshy kiss and a talk about being a good boy.
A song that Evie used to enjoy comes on my stereo and makes me think of good omens. This is the Latino luck Oz was sending me. The universe gives me this song to remind me that everything is going to be okay.
As soon as Evie and I are in the same room again, everything will be better. Time and distance hurts us. Not being able to touch for months and months on end hurts us. I don’t mean that we need to touch sexually, but our relationship was made up of touches; hand-holding, hugs, hair tugs, and leaning into each other while we watch movies. We can’t do any of that while living so far apart, but we can start again.
She just needs to see me, she needs to look into my eyes when I beg for a minute of her time, and I’m certain, if she’ll just allow that, we’ll be okay again.
I pull onto her street and stop at the gates that I’ve driven through so many times over the years, it’s not even a thing in my mind anymore. I hit the security panel, and wait for the gates to buzz open.
“Ben?”
I smile at Aiden’s grunted voice. “Hey, coach. Can you buzz me in?”
“Um…yeah,” he hesitates. “You’re here for dinner?”
“Yes, sir. Kit invited me over. Well…” I chuckle. “Mostly I begged for a seat at the table.”
“Uh… okay.” He clears his throat and hits the buzzer. “Come on in.”
The gates release ahead of me. Electricity sizzles through metal as they open wide and grant me entrance, and after I crunch through the snow to pass, they close again and lock up behind me.
My smile is large. Larger than it’s been since this time last year, as I pull into a spare driveway and park my truck. Ma’s di
sh is fragrant and makes my stomach growl with hunger. Half an hour from now, I’ll be sitting at Evie’s side while I shove a turkey leg down my throat. I’ll be in my happy place, because she’ll lean her shoulder against mine, and when I wrap my arm around her, she’ll lean in further and accept the kiss I press to her brow.
I’ve waited for this. I’ve waited for months, because Evie Kincaid needs her family like humans need air. She can skip my birthday, and she can skip hers. She can even claim she was volunteering for the homeless on Thanksgiving. But now it’s Christmas, and she’s going to sit beside me whether she likes it or not.
Opening my door and sliding out, I lean back in to grab Ma’s dessert, then I load it into my arms and slam the door closed again. The Rollers are good with their yard maintenance, so despite the falling snow, the driveways have already been shoveled and salted.
My nerves are like a live wire in my blood. My heart thrums, and my hand flexes open and closed with nervous energy as I stomp up Kit and Bobby Kincaid’s front steps. They’re hosting Christmas dinner this year, so I head to the correct house and knock on the front door.
The noise inside is a muted buzzing of voices. Fifty people in one home, all trying to speak over each other and be heard.
“I got it!”
I smile and rock back onto my heels when Bean’s voice penetrates my brain. She’s my ally, my friend – my half-sister – even if we hardly get to hang out anymore. We’re in the same building every single day, but I’m busy getting my ass beat by her dad and uncles, and she’s busy with schoolwork and Mac’s training.
Where we used to hang out and play cards on the daily is now nothing more than a rushed ‘hey’ as we pass in the halls. But she’s my girl’s best friend. She’s an ally in this war, so when she opens the door, I grin like an idiot and catalogue her white sweater and holey jeans.
“Hey, Bean.” I step in and drop a kiss on her flushed cheek.
“Ben?” Her brows knit as I step back. “What are you…” She looks around, then steps onto her toes and peeks behind me. “You’re here?”
I nod. “For dinner. Let me in? It’s cold as balls out here.”
“Um… sure.” She steps back and waves me in, and as soon as I pass, she closes the door and locks the frozen air out. “Uh… I guess I’m surprised is all. I didn’t know you were coming to dinner tonight.”
“I had to come.” We move through the living room and pass the twin boys while they whale on each other. They freeze mid-grapple, so one of them is on top with his arm cocked back, and the twin on the bottom holds one arm up in defense, and scrunches one eye closed, because he knows his brother’s fist is going to hurt.
They remain stock-still, but their chests fill and empty as they stare and watch us pass through.
“Um…” I chuckle and turn away from them. “She’s not taking my calls, so this is how I fix things. I force her stubborn ass to have a meal with me.” The promise ring on my right hand glints in the soft light and makes me smile. “Once she realizes we aren’t over, everything will be better again.”
“But she–”
“Ben?” Tina’s voice is ominous and makes my stomach drop as we enter the room. She’s her daughter’s twin, but for the curly hair, and right now, she leans against the counter while Kit finishes prep on the potatoes. “What are you doing here?”
“Dinner?” I fake a smile, present Ma’s dish, and walk forward to set it on the counter beside everything else. “And Evie.” I cast an eye around the room, turning a full three-sixty in my search. “I’ve come to make things right. She’s my best friend, so I’ve come to make it better.”
“Honey…” Kit sets her utensils aside and wipes her hand on a towel. “Shit.”
“She’s not here.” Tina’s eyes sparkle with what I’m certain are tears. “She called last night and cancelled.”
“Cancelled?” Waves whoosh in my brain. “You can’t cancel Christmas.”
“She said she wanted to stay at school.” Tina comes around the counter and stops two feet in front of me and Bean. “I’m sorry, honey. She didn’t come home this year.”
“She didn’t…”
I meet Kit’s apologetic eyes. Then Bean’s. Aiden steps into the room and stops with a jolt when he sees us. Then Bobby follows and watches us all with a frown.
I meet Tina’s eyes again. “She didn’t come home?”
She shakes her head. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I’m as heartbroken as you are. I’ve been counting down to today.”
“You’re as…” I shake my head. “No, I don’t think you are. You can’t possibly feel what I feel right now.” I take a step back and will my heart to stop going crazy. “She still talks to you. She’s still yours.”
“I’m so sorry.” She steps forward and reaches for my hand. “But you can stay for dinner. There’s heaps of food, and we haven’t seen you outside the gym in ages. It’ll be nice to hang out.”
“No.” I snatch my hand from hers and continue to back away. “She cancelled Christmas, just like that? She cuts us all off that easily?”
“I’m so sorry.” A single tear slides over Tina’s cheek. “I really am. I was so looking forward to her coming home, and I know you were too. I know you’re hurting.”
I stop at the doorway between the kitchen and living room and replace my hurt with anger. It’s what I’m good at; I can switch pain for rage at the drop of a hat. It’s a special skill I have, and something I’ve honed over the years as my only self-preservation when I can’t deal with the pain.
Evie Kincaid has hurt me, and she refuses to give me a chance to heal. Like a scab she keeps picking, picking, picking at, she refuses respite, despite the promises we made when we became best friends, and then later, lovers.
“I’m out.”
“Ben!” Tina jumps forward when I turn into the living room. “Come back, honey.”
“I’ll be back in the new year.” I wave her off and storm through their home until I hit the front door. I swing it wide and suck frigid air into the house, then I stomp through and slam it again at my back.
I went in with full hands and a hopeful heart. I leave again with nothing. If I don’t have Evie Kincaid, then I have nothing. And to escape me, she’s cutting off her own family. To get away from me, she cuts off her own arm and sneaks away.
Fuck you, Evelyn Kincaid.
Evie
Three Years Later
“Alright, guys. Three laps of the stairs, come back, give me ten chest-to-bars, and then one deep squat.” Reid walks a lap in front of us, and flashes a wink when he catches my eyes. “Go deep, and hold it for a whole minute.”
“A whole minute?” a dude I’ve learned whose name is Toady groans. “A minute!”
“Nah, Toad.” Reid stops in front of us and grins. “You’re absolutely right. That was inconsiderate of me.”
I drop my eyes and laugh, because Reid Baker doesn’t negotiate his training programs. He creates champions, training the way my family does. To be the best, you must train better than the best. You must surround yourself with the best, and you must not bitch when your training session hasn’t even begun yet.
“What I meant to say,” he turns and crosses out the sixty seconds on the white board, only to replace it with ninety. “Was a minute and a half. Go deep, make it burn. Are you ready?” His eyes meet mine and light up when I return his smile. He points to the stairs, and when I nod, he drops his arm. “Go!”
It’s fight night tonight.
Not my fight night, but the pay-per-view kind where I intend to curl up in my dorm room with a bag of popcorn and some tissues – just in case. After this training session, I’ll walk back to the dorm I’m supposed to be sharing with Bean…
But is she here?
No, because she punked out and cried about leaving home. She refused to leave Mac, so when it was time to finish high school and enroll in college, my aunt and uncle gave their blessing for her to apply to the school just an hour from home.
Yeah, I’m pretty bitter about it.
Bean says she’s sorry, she begged for my forgiveness, but she straight up acknowledges that she chose Mac and his recovery over me.
Which… I guess is reasonable in a really fucked up way. I was pissed – I am pissed – but I’m not going to fight with her about it and risk losing my only connection to my life before this place.
Bean gets to go home several nights a week, and every single weekend, and I… will go back to the dorm I no longer have to share with grumpy Clair and her exceptionally enthusiastic sex life.
Why is she so grumpy, when she gets laid so often?
I’m going to crawl into bed just as soon as I can, and do my best to win my hundred bucks back on the big fight tonight.
I bet every single time. It’s my silent support, my unwavering belief that the Rollers are the best of the best. How can they not be? No one trains as hard as they do – except, perhaps, Reid.
Eight long months after the brawl on the lawn that broke my heart and the very friendship I thought was unbreakable, the pencil tapping began again. It’s like Reid knew I needed space, so he gave it to me and remained completely invisible to me and my mourning, but by the time his pencil started annoying me again, my tears had turned to shaky smiles, and my demands that he fuck off turned to threats of a beating.
So he challenged me to square up and follow through.
That was two or so years ago, and now I’m a regular face around here. Five days a week, I show up to Reid’s classes, and when he’s busy or doesn’t feel like doing his own, he runs the programs I designed. He says it takes the load off him when he doesn’t want to think up a session for that day, but mostly, I think he likes to keep me invested in his gym.
If I train them, I’ll get emotionally invested.
If I’m emotionally invested, I won’t run away and hide.
And basically, our entire relationship, from the moment we met, has been about me running away, and him chasing.