I sniffled, wiping a tear away from the corner of my eye.
When Mom died, I vowed that I wouldn’t do that to a kid. I wouldn’t bring someone into the world and then make them watch me deteriorate just like her and Gramps. I didn’t want a child to have to watch their mother lose her mind, like I had to watch mine.
But now, I wasn’t so sure. I was facing decades of this monotonous, lonely existence. The past five weeks had been the most exhilarating of my life, and it wasn’t just because of the constant threat of death.
It was companionship.
I liked having Bennett beside me. I liked being around him, knowing that he’d be there at the end of the day. And that day we were attacked in the safe house…what happened afterwards… I liked that too.
I felt like a woman when I was with him, and it was something that I hadn’t felt in a long time.
Sighing, I glanced up at the dark sky as if it would give me answers to my problems.
It didn’t.
I just sat there, wondering how I could feel betrayed by Bennett and miss his company at the same time. Emotions waged a war inside me until I felt like the world was spinning around me.
A twig snapped, and the world stopped spinning.
My eyes darted around, until I saw a dark shape at the edge of the house. My heart jumped to my throat and adrenaline flooded my veins.
“Who’s there?” I said, trying to sound as menacing as I could. My voice trembled despite my best efforts.
“It’s me.” Bennett stepped out of the shadows with his hands up. “It’s just me.”
Relief washed over me, followed by anger.
“What are you doing here? I told you to leave.”
“I just wanted to make sure your house was secure. I thought you’d be asleep. I’m sorry.”
“Oh, cut the bullshit, Bennett,” I sighed, slumping back in the chair. “I know you’re not here to protect me.”
His eyebrows drew together and I stared at him. His eyes looked almost hurt, and it stung me in the center of my chest.
“You’re wrong, Cat,” he said gently. He took a step toward me, climbing up onto the deck. I didn’t move. He walked slowly, as if I were a frightened animal that needed to be dealt with carefully. His fingers drifted across the back of another wicker chair across from mine, and he sat down.
Leaning his elbows on his knees, he stared at his hands as he gathered his thoughts. I could see the tension rippling through his shoulders, but I didn’t say anything. I wanted to hear what he had to say.
“I’m sorry,” he finally said. His deep, brown eyes drifted up toward mine. “I’m not with the Secret Service. I work for the CIA. I’m sorry I lied.”
My eyes widened and I sat frozen. I don’t know what I was expecting him to say, but it wasn’t that. Maybe I thought he would try to explain something away, or try to make me believe that he cared about me. An apology… that seemed almost too good to be true.
Just when I thought I could process the apology, the second part of his sentence hit me.
I cleared my throat. “The CIA? I was right about that?”
He nodded. “I was tasked to find out if you have any ties to the Russians.”
“And do I?” I crossed one leg over the other and his eyes flicked to my shoes. The edge of his lips quirked upwards.
“Not that I can find.”
“Wow. What a revelation,” I deadpanned.
“Cat…”
“Are you supposed to tell me you work for the CIA? Isn’t that some sort of breach? Why are you here, Bennett? Is that even your name?”
He grimaced, and my heart burned. My anger took the upper hand as I stared at him. I didn’t even know the man’s name. Here I was, thinking about how much I loved having him around, and I didn’t even know his freaking name.
“My name is Chris Anders.”
“Wow.”
“I’m sorry. You have to understand, this is my job. I had to lie to you.”
“What else have you lied about?” My voice sounded hard, but I didn’t care. Everything that Bennett—Anders—had ever said to me was called into question. Did he really care about me at all?
Tears stung my eyes and I looked away from him. His chair scraped as he moved it closer, but I couldn’t look at him.
“Cat,” he said gently. “I’m sorry. I… there are things in my past that made it hard for me to trust you. But now I know that all I’ve done is put you in more danger. I need to make that right.”
“So you’re the target of this whole thing… with this Kowalski guy?”
He took a deep breath. “I think so, yeah.”
I shook my head, laughing bitterly. “Fat load of good all your ‘protection’ did for me, hey? You told me that you swore an oath to protect me.”
“I did.”
“Right,” I scoffed. “Well, all you’ve done is make things worse. My brother has to learn how to walk again, and I’ve missed over a week of Senate sessions because of you. Doesn’t look too good for re-election, does it? So not only have you put me and my family in danger, you’ve also affected my career.”
He looked like I’d punched him in the gut. He nodded. “I know.”
I bit my lip. I didn’t want to be like this—vindictive and bitter. I didn’t want to be angry with him or mean to him. It wasn’t who I was.
But I just felt stupid. I felt like an idiot for thinking that he cared about me, for letting my stupid, childish fantasies of having a man beside me take over.
I knew that wasn’t meant for me. My DNA was messed up, and there was nothing I could do to change that. I was destined to be alone.
Bennett—I would keep calling him that, because I couldn’t think of him in any other name—brought his chair even closer. He put his hands on my knees until I looked him in the eye.
“Cat, I’m sorry,” he said. “I know what I’ve done, and I promise I will fix it. I’m not asking you to forgive me right now, but I just want you to know that whatever happened between us, it was real. I never thought I would feel like this about a woman again, but you’ve broken down every wall that I ever tried to build around myself. You’re incredible, and I hope you’ll forgive me one day.”
His face was so open and earnest that I couldn’t look away. Tears spilled over my cheeks and I brushed them away, shaking my head.
“You don’t understand, Bennett,” I sighed. “There’s no point. I’m supposed to be alone.”
“I used to think that too, until I met you.”
I glanced at him, about to protest. I wanted to explain to him that me being alone was necessary. It was medical. Eventually, I was going to lose my mind, and I didn’t want anyone around to have to pick up the pieces.
I needed to be alone. It was better that way.
But before I could say anything, Bennett stood up in front of me and pulled me to my feet. He wrapped his arm around my waist and pressed me to his chest. His hand cupped my cheek and he stared into my eyes.
“I’ll never lie to you again, Cat,” he said quietly. “You’ve changed the way I think about everything, and I don’t want to let you go.”
“I can’t get involved with anyone,” I answered weakly. My body melted into him, and all my reasons for wanting to be alone seemed to melt away.
“I’m not asking you to get involved. I’m just asking you to believe me when I say that I care about you.”
Words caught in my throat, and all I could do was hook my arms around his neck. I nodded once, and then he crushed his lips against mine.
My body reacted of its own volition, pressing itself into him and tangling itself around him. My arms wrapped around his neck and my hips rolled toward him. I kept telling myself that I needed to be alone, that I shouldn’t get involved with anyone, that I needed to push him away…
But it felt too good.
I couldn’t even be mad at him. I knew he’d been doing his job, and I knew that he meant it when he said he would protect me from now on.
I knew I had to tell him, but I had to work up the courage to do it. I had to tell him about my mother and my grandfather, and how I was destined to go through the same thing.
But right now, all I could think about was his lips, his hands, his cock. All I wanted was to be with him. My body and mind were pulling me in opposite directions, and I didn’t know which one would win.
28
Chris
Cat pulled away from me, dipping her head down.
“What’s wrong?”
“I have to tell you something.” She took a deep breath, squeezing her eyes shut.
“What is it?” I frowned, squeezing my arms around her waist until she looked up at me.
“You know my grandfather? How he’s got dementia?”
I nodded.
“My mom had the same thing. She had early onset dementia, it started in her late thirties. She died when I was a teenager.” Cat took a deep breath and I tightened my arms around her waist.
“I’m sorry,” I said quietly.
She shook her head. “That’s not why I’m telling you this.” It seemed to take all her strength to get her words together. She curled her fingers into my shirt and dragged her eyes up to mine.
“I’m telling you because I think it’s going to happen to me.”
“Okay,” I said slowly. She stared at me as if she’d just revealed her darkest secret. I frowned. “Have you been diagnosed?”
“No, but I mean… I don’t…” she took a deep breath, and then the words started tumbling out. “I’ve never wanted to have a serious relationship with anyone because I don’t want to put them through that. My father left my mother when it got really bad. That’s when Gramps took us in. I watched my mother forget who I was and it broke my fucking heart, Bennett—Chris—Anders—whatever your name is.”
She shook her head and took a deep breath.
“I’ve never had a boyfriend, because I don’t want that. I don’t want to be sick and abandoned by someone who can’t handle it. So whatever this is, between us, just…” she took a deep breath. “Just know that it’s temporary.”
“I don’t get a say in this at all?”
“It’s better this way,” she said softly, resting her head on my chest. I wrapped my arms around her and we stood still, the crickets making a racket around us. I laid a soft kiss on top of her head and I felt her sniffle. She shook her head, pulling away and wiping her eyes.
“God, I don’t know why I just told you that. This is the problem,” she said, almost to herself. “I can’t get close to a man because I start spilling my guts. It’s easier just to be alone.”
“Is it, though?”
Cat glanced at me as if she’d forgotten I was there. I tucked a strand of white-blonde hair behind her ear and clucked her chin.
“Is it better to be alone?”
“Yes,” she said weakly. A tear rolled down her cheek, and it broke my heart. I ran my fingers over her skin and took a deep breath.
“Can I tell you something?”
“Only if it’s true. I don’t want to hear any bullshit about the Secret Service.”
I chuckled. “It’s true.”
“Okay, go.”
I took a deep breath. “My first operation with the CIA was similar to this one. I was supposed to get information out of this Turkish diplomat that would help us with a round of negotiations with a military agreement. It was highly sensitive and highly classified.”
I tightened my arms around her and she tilted her head. The crickets got quieter, as if they could sense the weight of the moment.
“I fell in love with her.” Squeezing my eyes shut, I let the words hang between us. “I completely compromised the operation, and she ended up being a double agent. She extracted information from me and I put a lot of people’s lives at risk.”
“Oh, jeez,” Cat said quietly.
“Yeah,” I chuckled. “And for the better part of a decade, I would have agreed with you. It’s better to be alone—that way, no one gets hurt.”
“Exactly,” she whispered, but it didn’t sound like she meant it.
“The thing is, though, it’s not. You taught me that.”
“Me?”
“It killed me not to be honest with you, Cat. I wanted to tell you everything, but after what happened with Bella…” I took a deep breath. “I thought these feelings I was having were just me making the same mistakes I made before. But ever since I’ve met you, it’s like the volume on the world has been turned up. Everything tastes better. Funny things are funnier. You make everything brighter.”
She opened her mouth but didn’t say anything.
I took a deep breath. “I’m sick of being on my own. I’m sick of pretending like I’m happier that way. I’m not. I’m happier with you. And if you’re some kind of Russian double agent, just tell me now because I don’t think I can handle finding out any other way.”
She laughed then, shaking her head. “I’m not a Russian double agent. I’m a Senator for Maryland, and I serve on the Fishes, Water, and Wildlife Committee. As much as I wish I had some exciting double life, I don’t.”
“Living a double life isn’t as exciting as it sounds on paper,” I said quietly. I let my fingers drift over her collarbone, wrapping them around the nape of her neck. I dragged my thumb over her jaw and took a deep breath. I opened my mouth, wanting to spill my heart out to her. I wanted to say everything I felt. More than ‘I care about you’. More than ‘I want to protect you’. I wanted to tell her what was in my heart, what I was too afraid to admit to myself and petrified to say out loud.
Instead, she wrapped her arms around my neck and took a deep breath.
“So, you’re not scared of the dementia?”
“I’m scared of a lot of things, Cat,” I grinned. “But that’s not one of them.”
She exhaled and shook her head. “You don’t know how terrible it gets. It’s… no one should witness someone go through that.”
“Cat,” I said gently. “Can we deal with Kowalski and the Russians first, and then worry about an illness that you may or may not have?”
A smile tugged at her lips and she dipped her chin down. “I guess that sounds reasonable.”
“Tomorrow, I’m going to find Kowalski and I’ll get to the bottom of it. I’ll either end up dead, and you won’t have to worry about me seeing you with dementia, or I’ll live, and we can figure it out from there—without the threat of impending death looming over our heads.”
“You’re making a lot of sense, Mr. Ben—Mr. Anders.”
“So, for tonight, let’s forget about your fears of getting dementia, and I’ll forget about my fears of being betrayed.” I leaned my forehead against hers. “Tonight, we can just be two people with a lot of unresolved baggage and an undeniable attraction to each other.”
“That’s a bit presumptuous, don’t you think? How do you know I’m attracted to you?” She said it quietly, closing her eyes and tangling her fingers into my hair. My forehead was still leaning on hers, and I could feel her breath washing over my skin.
I slid my hand between her legs and she whimpered, melting into me. The heat from her center was pulsing against my hand and I longed to rip her pants and underwear off right there. My cock throbbed as she squeezed her legs at my touch.
“That noise tells me you’re attracted to me,” I growled. My hand drifted up to her breast, and I thumbed her nipple through her shirt. “And the fact that your nipples are as hard as rocks.”
She sighed again, leaning into my touch. She brushed her lips against mine but I kept my mouth just out of reach of her kiss. She was melting against me. My thumb drifted over her hardened nipple, and I could see the shivers of pleasure coursing through her body. She wavered in my ar
ms.
“Cat,” I said gently.
“Yeah?”
“I want to make love to you tonight, how I’ve dreamed of doing it since the moment I saw you. I want to do it right this time, not bleeding and injured in a run-down safe house. Not fucking you up against a wall.”
“I didn’t mind being fucked up against a wall,” she grinned.
My hand slid down her side and my fingers sank into her hip, pulling her against me. My hard shaft pressed up against her stomach and she gasped. A blush stained her cheeks and I wondered if her panties were soaked yet.
“I want to make you come, Cat,” I said slowly, rolling my hips against her. My hand drifted down to her perfect ass and I gave it a light tap. “I want to treat you like you deserve to be treated. Can I do that? Nothing else tonight—just you and me.”
Cat nodded. “Yeah,” she said. “You can.”
I didn’t wait to be asked twice. I crushed my lips against hers and swallowed every moan and whimper that she gave me. I grabbed her ass and squeezed her close, fusing myself to her. My lips drifted from her mouth to her jaw, her neck, her collarbone. I cupped her breast and pulled her shirt down to take her hardened nipples between my lips.
Her fingernails dug into my skull as she gasped, pressing my face into her chest.
The barriers between us were tumbling away, one after the other. My self-control was long gone, and I knew that I was hers. If she broke my heart and my trust, so be it. I was sick of fighting it—sick of fighting her.
I couldn’t live my life in fear of being hurt anymore. I wanted to be with her—mind, body, and soul.
29
Cat
Chris hadn’t recoiled when I told him about my family’s illnesses. He didn’t hesitate. He didn’t even blink. A part of me still worried that he didn’t understand the repercussions of the illness. He didn’t realize what he was getting himself into by becoming involved with me.
But another, bigger part of me didn’t really care. He wanted to forget about everything else tonight, and I was ready to do it.
The Protector: The Complete C.I.A. Romance Series Page 31