by J. L. Leslie
With his fingers still inside me, he tugs my panties down with his free hand and then pushes his own down, not caring that they catch at his thighs. I touch him bare now, moving my hand over the velvety softness of his tip while he leans forward to kiss my neck and back. Tauren slightly nudges my legs apart with his knee and in the midst of his fingers, his tip presses to my entrance.
“Wait!” I panic, unsure of this position. Worried of what it will feel like to have him take me this way.
“It’s okay, baby, I’ve got you,” he assures me, and slowly eases inside me, watching me in the mirror. “Look at how beautiful we are together.”
I’m holding my breath as he moves, pulling out and then gliding back in. There was no pain this time, only a slight discomfort until I adjusted to him. This position is different than before, but I still have the same full and complete feeling having him inside me.
“We are beautiful together,” I admit, watching him move behind me. Watching the way my breasts sway with his thrusts. The way my skin blushes under his gaze.
Tauren places his hands over mine, leaning me forward a bit more. He nips at my neck, causing sensations to ripple through me.
“You like watching, don’t you, Wife?” he asks me, and I notice he only calls me that when he’s being mischievous or naughty. “Do you enjoy watching me fuck you, Wife?” he asks, drawing out his endearment.
“Yes, Husband,” I answer him, and he moves a bit faster, so much so that I can hear his bare skin slapping against mine.
Tauren moves his hand down between my legs and rubs me with his fingers while slamming into me. I bite my lip and press one hand to the mirror, my palm and fingers flat.
“I am your first and only, Wife,” he informs me. “The only man who will ever claim this pussy. The only man who will ever be inside you. The only man who will ever fuck you.”
“Yes,” I agree. “The only one, Husband.”
The moment the words leave my mouth, my body erupts in pleasure. Heat spreads to my fingertips and toes, and I arch my backside to him, telling him I love him. Tauren growls and bites down on the tender flesh of my neck, coming inside me. His own ‘I love you’ tumbling from his lips.
After a few seconds, he slips out of me, and his release drips down my thighs. I squeeze them together and then giggle when I notice I’m still wearing my high heels. Tauren scoops me into his arms, and I finally kick them off while he walks into the bathroom. All of my worries and fears are washed away with our shower.
He is my husband. The only man I will ever marry. The only man I will ever love.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Tauren
I wake up mostly from the sun beaming through the window but also because of the massive hard on I have. Although I showered Helene off after our tryst at the vanity yesterday, I wasn’t nearly finished with her. I had her again after we had our supper, and then once more before we actually fell asleep, exhausted.
I reach for her, anxious to start our morning off right, but find where she slept is empty. I sit up and frown at the sight of blood on the sheets. Surely, I was not that rough last night.
I get out of the bed and call for Helene. I am almost to the bathroom when she emerges, her face streaked with tears. There’s dried blood on her fingers and smeared down her thighs.
“I think something’s wrong,” she sobs. “I’m bleeding.”
I have no idea what’s happening, but I don’t wait to spring into action. I grab Helene’s suitcase and find her some comfortable clothes to put on. She cries the entire time I’m dressing her. After she’s clothed, I get dressed myself and then carry her out of the house. She lays her head down on my lap while I drive.
I call her doctor on the way, telling Dr. Newlin what’s happened. I listen to him talk, hearing words I do not want to hear. Miscarriage. Loss the baby. Common occurrence.
“Nothing about this is common!” I yell at him through the phone and drive like a bat out of hell to get her to the hospital where he’s supposed to meet us.
The cabin we were at was only a half hour from Chapelwood. Kipton’s boss owns it and allowed me to rent it from him for our honeymoon so we could be close to home. I thank God I chose somewhere close as we pull up at the hospital.
Helene is no longer crying when I get her out of the car, but she appears to be in shock, a dazed expression on her face. Once we make it inside, she’s immediately put in a wheelchair, and we’re escorted back to Labor and Delivery where Dr. Newlin is.
Through the exam, I stand by Helene’s side, my hand gripping hers although she doesn’t grip it back. She simply lies there, silent tears rolling down her cheeks. When he’s unable to find a heartbeat on the monitor, I can see it written all over Dr. Newlin’s face, although he hasn’t made the official announcement. I brace myself to hear it when he begins to talk.
“Mr. Holt, Mrs. Jacobs,” he begins.
“We’re married now,” I let him know, unable to hold that in.
“Mr. and Mrs. Holt, I regret to inform you that you’ve suffered a miscarriage. It is a common occurrence this early in the pregnancy.”
“Did we…did I do something wrong?” I ask him. “We had the first night of our honeymoon last night, and we had sex a few times. I didn’t think that could harm the baby. Did that harm the baby?”
I know I’m rambling a little, but I need to know if I caused this. If I did anything at all to harm our unborn child. Helene slips her hand from my grasp and crosses her arms over her chest.
“No, Mr. Holt. A miscarriage at this stage is usually from a chromosomal abnormality. It does appear, Mrs. Holt, that all of the fetal tissue was expelled, so a D&C is not required.”
“D&C?” I ask, not recalling reading about that term.
“It stands for dilation and curettage, which would be a procedure I would perform to remove any remaining fetal tissue and ensure there is no infection. Her bleeding should stop within a couple of weeks. Once it’s stopped, you can resume your regular sexual activity.”
He’s talking directly to me now, realizing that Helene has completely checked out. She hasn’t spoken since we left the cabin and refuses to make eye contact with anyone, myself included.
Dr. Newlin gives me a pamphlet with information about miscarriages on it and lets me know there are local support groups listed on the back. I fold it and put it in my pocket, my mind reeling. I can’t help but worry that I caused this. She was fine until last night.
“I am so sorry the two of you are going through this ordeal,” Dr. Newlin says. “But you are young and can always try again. She can get dressed and then you’re free to go as soon as she feels up to it.”
I almost demand that they admit her. Take care of her. She’s obviously in pain and not ready to go home yet. Instead, I help my wife get dressed and take her back to the cabin. She’s curled in a ball, her knees to her chest, when we get there. Her eyes are closed, but I don’t believe she’s sleeping. Just wanting to avoid talking to me about what’s happened.
I leave her in the car long enough to strip the bloodied sheets from the bed and quickly clean up the bathroom. When I come back outside to get her, my car is gone.
Day two of being a newlywed.
Epic fail.
Helene
I don’t get very far in Tauren’s car. I’m sobbing so hard that I can’t see, so I simply pull over and lay down on the seat, letting the tears fall. We lost our baby. The life that was growing inside me is no longer there. How is it possible to love and mourn someone so much that you never even met?
Yesterday, on our wedding day, everything was perfect. Sure, my daddy didn’t walk me down the aisle, but both sets of my grandparents were there. My mama was there in spirit. I married the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with. We were ready to start our family, no matter how unplanned it was.
We made love, several times, and solidified our marriage. I was happy, irrevocably in love when we went to bed. We snuggled together, my back to his fro
nt, and his arm protectively over my waist. His hand rested on my belly.
But I woke up with cramps. My body was telling me that something was terribly wrong, and I knew something was happening because of the blood on the sheets. Then, when I went to the bathroom, there was more blood. I remember touching my thighs and my fingers becoming sticky with it.
Maybe I should have woken Tauren right then, but I was so scared and honestly, I didn’t want to face what was happening. I still don’t, and I’ve heard Dr. Newlin confirm it himself. I had a miscarriage, never even reached my second trimester.
I cry harder, screaming in anger, unable to figure out why this happened to me. To us. We finally found our way back to each other. Why would God give us a baby only to take her away?
I lie there asking myself what we did wrong. I know Dr. Newlin said this is a common occurrence, but I can’t help but wonder if he said it only out of kindness. I have been going to school and essentially working two jobs.
Aside from that, we had sex three times last night. Tauren is well-endowed, and though he was never rough with me, we weren’t going slow. I thought it was a good sign that we were so compatible in that department, and although I felt no pain during the act, maybe we did cause the miscarriage. Maybe my body couldn’t handle that on top of the financial stress I’ve taken on.
I contemplate calling Dr. Newlin, only so that I can ask him if the stress or sex caused the miscarriage. Ask him to be honest with me because I need to know. Ask him if I was putting my body through too much over the past few weeks and then last night was the last straw. All the questions I want to ask him are running through my mind when the driver’s door opens.
I jolt, looking up, and Tauren climbs into the car. I move my legs to make room for him, sitting up in the seat and wiping my tears away. Instead of him being angry at me for leaving, he pulls me into his arms.
“I was worried,” he admits, rubbing my back. “I thought you were going back to Chapelwood, so I started walking. I knew I would catch up to you eventually.”
“Why did this happen?” I ask him and feel him shake his head.
“I don’t know, baby,” he replies. “I wish I did.”
“I can’t go back in there,” I confess. “I can’t see…see the sheets and be…be in that bathroom.”
“We don’t have to go back,” he assures me. “I’ll get our things, and we can go somewhere else. Anywhere you want to go.”
“I want to go home,” I tell him. “I want to put this day behind us and forget it ever happened.”
That isn’t possible. Even as I say those words, I know I will never forget this day. Never forget losing our baby. What it felt like. How my heart aches.
I ease away from Tauren, turning toward the passenger window. I rest my head against his seat and draw my legs up, wrapping my arms around my knees. He reaches to stroke my back, and I flinch away from him.
“Let’s go home,” he says, and I don’t respond.
Perhaps when we get home, I will be able to breathe again. Because right now, I want to stop it all.
Breathing.
Feeling.
Living.
I want it all to stop.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Tauren
Helene keeps her back to me the entire ride back to Chapelwood. I stopped back by the cabin and grabbed our things before heading back. I thought once I got back in the car, she would change positions, perhaps even put her head in my lap, but she never even looked in my direction.
I keep driving, willing myself to believe that we are going to be fine. That we will get through this. She’s hurting, I know that. The miscarriage is still so fresh.
I drive to my house, despite the fact that her belongings aren’t there yet, and think of how we will tell everyone. Like being pregnant, it’s not something that can be hidden for very long when you suddenly aren’t pregnant anymore.
“We’re here, baby,” I tell Helene when we arrive at my house.
Still, she doesn’t move or look at me. I get out and go around to the passenger side where she is. When I open the door, I realize that she’s asleep. Even in sleep, I can tell that she’s been crying. Her eyes are puffy and red, her cheeks swollen.
I put my arms beneath her and ease her out of the car, cradling her against my chest. She barely stirs, only enough to wrap her arms around my neck. I take her inside my house and straight to my bedroom.
I did my best to clean things up this week, knowing she would be moving her things in after the honeymoon. I made sure I cleared out some drawers for her as well as plenty of room in the closet. I even washed my bed sheets.
I lay her down on my bed and take her shoes off before covering her up. I give her a kiss on her forehead before turning the light out and closing the door. I exhale a deep breath and pull my phone from my pocket.
We haven’t discussed how we should tell everyone or even when, but I need to talk to someone. At least one person. My mama answers on the first ring, immediately scolding me for calling her during my honeymoon when I should be busy with my wife.
“Mama,” I manage. “I need you.”
It’s amazing how that sentence can be said to this woman, and I know within minutes, she will be at my house. It has never mattered what time I’ve called or shown up unannounced. If I need her, she’s there. No questions asked.
I grab my pack of cigarettes off the coffee table and step outside. I didn’t have one smoke all day yesterday and only smoked one today while I was walking and searching for Helene. I need one now though. I need that rush of nicotine and that familiar habit that I’ve taken comfort in for nearly five years.
I’m drawing in the last drag when my mama arrives. I was holding it together pretty fucking well but seeing my mama and the concern on her face, I break. She wraps me in a hug the moment she reaches me on the porch, and I sob on her shoulder, dropping to my knees. She goes down with me, holding me. She promises me that whatever has happened, everything will be alright.
Hearing her say it, I almost believe it. Almost.
Now that I am coming to terms with what happened, I’m so engulfed with pain that I don’t know if I will ever be alright again. I have never felt a loss like this before, not even when my grandparents died.
“The baby…” I sob, my voice filled with anguish. “She’s gone! Just gone! Fuck, I didn’t even know how badly I wanted her!”
Here I was, so worried that my unborn child may be like Willow. So worried about what type of daddy I was going to be. In this moment, I would be happy regardless of how our baby turned out. I only wish we had the opportunity to see her.
Helene
I’m slightly disoriented when I wake up, not quite knowing where I am. It doesn’t take me long to figure out that I’m at Tauren’s house. He said we would go home and technically this is supposed to be my home now. We were planning to move my things in once we returned from the honeymoon. Neither of us knew we would be returning early.
I get out of the bed and leave the sanctuary of the quiet room though I’m not sure why. I would rather keep my head buried beneath the covers and never face the world outside. I venture into the kitchen and notice a casserole dish of lasagna on the counter. It looks fresh, and I wonder where it came from. It looks delicious, but I have no appetite.
I walk around the house, familiarizing myself with it since I haven’t been inside before. It’s a one-bedroom, one-bath house. It’s small, but cozy. I suppose it’s what you would call a true bachelor pad. Tauren has a large tan, leather couch and matching recliner with a sixty-inch television taking up most of the living room. There’s a DVD collection as well as PS4 game collection scattered on his entertainment center. I don’t see any coasters on his coffee table. No pictures on his walls. At least the house is clean.
For a moment, I wonder where we would put a nursery since there’s only one bedroom and I’m instantly reminded that we no longer have to consider that. I sniffle and blink back tears, wondering i
f I will ever be able to think of our baby without crying. I dry my eyes and go in search of Tauren.
I find my husband on his porch. He’s sitting in one of his chairs, a lit cigarette dangling from his fingers. It’s burned down so far that the majority of it is only ashes. His head is tilted to the side, eyes closed. He holds something to his chest, slightly crumpled in his grasp.
First, I take the cigarette from his fingers and snuff it out in the nearly full ashtray on the table beside him. Then, I ease the paper from his grasp and smooth it out. It’s our ultrasound photo.
I gaze at the unidentifiable little blob. The baby I’ve been calling a “she” for quite some time now. I didn’t really have any names picked out but would have loved to name her after my mama, Nora. I know she’s in heaven taking good care of her.
“I keep imagining what she would have been like,” Tauren confesses, lifting his head. “Red hair and green eyes like you, with my hell-raising personality?”
I laugh a little. “We would’ve had our hands full.”
“In the best way though,” he smiles sadly. He reaches for me, but I take a step back, avoiding his touch. “We can try again whenever you’re ready.”
I know his statement is meant to comfort me. Meant to make me happy. But it has the opposite effect. How can he even think of trying again right now?
“Try again?” I ask him. “We lost our baby only hours ago, and you’re already talking about trying again?”
He sighs and stands up from the chair, again, reaching for me. I cross my arms and walk to the other side of the porch, unable to let him touch me. I’m well aware that I should be taking solace in his embrace. That we should be leaning on each other at a time like this, but the more I look at him, the more I’m near him, the more I believe we caused this.