by Lolah Lace
He leaned forward. He read it while resting his elbows on his knees. When he finished he turned to me.
“Literally, I don’t even have the bandwidth for this rubbish. He didn’t need this fucking letter.”
“Is this bad?”
“I don’t know. He’s been clean for nine months. I don’t know if this is a slip-up. I don’t know. When he’s high he’s another person. When he wakes up, I don’t know. He’s alive. He was breathing this time. We got to him before he could do a lot of damage. I glad you called me.”
I bobbed my head up and down. “Are you going to tell Glynn?”
“No, it’s one slip up. I want to see what happens. Glynn will fine him. The label may throw him back in rehab. I’m not an expert. I don’t know what to do.”
“I don’t either.” I said and we both took solace in the fact that we both were ill equipped.
I didn’t know the right thing to do. I saw Jagger take a drink of champagne and he didn’t relapse but heroin was a big deal to me. Could he just take a hit and be over it? I didn’t know enough about addiction to know the answer. I knew this hurt to witness.
I’d fallen asleep on the couch. Winston must’ve left the room. I was covered in a blanket. When I opened my eyes Jagger was sitting in a chair directly in front of me. He looked like shit but I was happy he was alive, conscious and breathing. I sat up, pushed the blanket off and gave him all of my attention.
He wouldn’t say anything so I decided to speak first.
“Hey.”
He just stared at me with a blank expression. He cleared his throat. “I don’t want you anymore.”
I blinked a few times. I wanted to make sure this wasn’t a dream. “What?”
“I’m done with you.”
“Where’s Winston?”
“Fuck Winston. I’m over it. I’m over you.” He was talking his crazy talk for no reason I could think of.
“Is this the drugs or is this you talking right now?”
“This should’ve been over last summer. This is ridiculous. You don’t fit in here.”
“Are you still high?”
He laughed out loud. “This is all bullshit. I like drugs. I love getting high. You tried to change me. You fucking failed.”
“I’m not, I didn’t, what?”
“This is not working for me anymore. You’re not a young girl. I like to party. You don’t. I don’t want you.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Don’t be pathetic. Don’t make a scene. Just gather up your bloody things and go home. I called a driver for you.”
“Why would I leave you now?”
“I don’t have a choice. Do you really want to be tossed out of a hotel room like a common groupie? I can do that if you prefer. I’ve done it before.”
“What is going on here?”
“Are you fucking stupid? No one’s ever dumped you before?” He smirked. “Your ex-husband, he dumped you. So you get it. I am breaking up with you. You don’t need a Ph.D. to understand it.”
“This isn’t you.”
“Who the fuck is it?”
His words were cutting me up into tiny pieces. He seemed lucid. He seemed like Jagger. I didn’t see anything in his demeanor that indicated he was currently high.
“Jagger this isn’t right.”
“I don’t care. I don’t give fuck.”
“I love you.”
“So fucking what. So do all of my Instagram followers. I have too much love. I don’t want yours because I don’t want you.”
I was getting mad. I didn’t want to kick him while he was down. But he was kicking me and I hadn’t even done anything to him.
“Okay.” I shrugged and stood. I turned to the table where my purse sat. I reached in and fetched his cell phone. I spiked it like a football.
“That’s real mature.” He mumbled. He stood and I rushed into the bedroom and started collecting my bags. I went into the bathroom and grabbed all my shit. I packed all my crap and didn’t even look back to see his stupid face.
There was a security guy that helped take my bags to a waiting truck. I was dumped in the middle of the night. I fled the hotel before the sun came up. I couldn’t believe this was really happening to me.
I kept my composure on the way to the airport. My driver was nice. I recognized him and he recognized me. He removed my bags and said. “See you next time.” But he wasn’t going to see me. His words were like a slap in the face but it wasn’t his fault. He didn’t know I was dumped. He was just driving me to the airport.
I had to get an earlier flight. After I got that situated with an agent I found my gate and sat down. My cell phone was ringing like crazy. I had to turn the ringer off. It was Winston. I didn’t care if it was Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. I was taking my old, Black, American ass back to where I belonged. I took my British Airways first-class flight back to Chicago.
My heart was aching like I’d been shot in it but I wasn’t going to let anybody see me cry. I called American Taxi when I landed. They arrived in ten minutes. I sat in the back seat and I couldn’t stop myself from shaking.
Fuck Jagger!
Fuck Toxic Shock!
He could eat a bag of dicks and choke on the pubic hairs!
And in the illustrious words of Linnethia “NeNe” Leakes, I said what I said.
Chapter 34
KATRINA
I cried about it. I did when Aaron was in school. I wasn’t going to do it for long. I went through an entire divorce and crying wasn’t about to consume my life. I told Aaron I was done with Jagger and he didn’t get it. It was hard to believe me when after one week gifts started showing up at the door. I was sending all the shit back unopened. I was starting to get mad all over again. He waits a week then starts sending gifts. I blocked Jagger and Winston’s number. There was one person I didn’t block and I decided to give him a call. He answered on the second ring.
“Katrina Sweet.”
“Matt.”
“How’s it going?”
“Not good. Not good at all Matt. I’ve been getting a lot of packages sent to my house and I’m getting highly annoyed. I’m no longer dating Jagger and I want it to stop.”
“Oh okay.” He paused noticeably. “I know you two broke up but I’m not the one sending you gifts on his behalf.”
“Seriously?”
“No hon, sorry, it’s not me sending you gifts. He must be sending these things on his own.”
I sighed. I wasn’t expecting that. Matt was his assistant. He usually did that kind of stuff.
“Can you call him and tell him to stop. I’m tired of boxes piled up at my front door.”
“Quick question. Did you tell him to stop? No offense but he’ll probably listen to you before he listens to me. ”
“I’m not talking to him.”
“Well he’s been out of town for weeks. I haven’t seen him. He’s hiding out somewhere. He’s kind of vanished.”
“Okay well. When you hear from him, I would, I don’t know.”
“Katrina I’m sure if you told him he would stop. I’m sure no matter where he is he’ll pick up your call.”
What made him so sure? “Why would I call him? We aren’t together. That’s how breakups work. You stop talking to each other.”
“Who told you that? I’m sure whatever he did he’s sorry. It’s not like he has me sending gifts to some other woman. I promise there aren’t any other women. You’re it.”
“I don’t care. It seems you can’t help me.”
“Even if I could I don’t think I want to. You guys have matching tattoos. I love you together. I don’t want to see the end of Jaggerina.”
I couldn’t believe this bullshit. Everyone was loyal to Jagger.
“I’m hanging up on you now.” That’s exactly what I did.
I took a nap. I woke up when I heard the front door. I looked at the time. It was Aaron. In seconds he barged into my bedroom.
“Ma, it’s ten thousand
boxes on the porch.
“It’s been two weeks. Would you please talk to this dude? I’m tired of taking this stuff back to the post office.”
“Fine, don’t do it. I will.”
“Ma, unblock him. He has enough money to send packages to the house for the rest of your life. You being real childish.”
“Since you’re so cool with him you tell him to stop!”
“This is grown folks business. Plus you told me to block him.”
“I better not find out you’ve been talking to him.”
“His number blocked on my phone.”
“Good.”
“I swear ya’ll going have to get back together or something cause this is getting dumb.”
“We’re not getting back together.”
“Why not?”
“None of your business.”
“Fine, he missed up. Looks like he wants you back. He’s only twenty-one years old. He’s probably going to mess up a few times. You can’t give him another chance.”
“No, I don’t care. He can mess up somewhere else.”
“Ma, for real what he do?”
“I’m tired of you asking me.”
“Telling me would solve that problem.”
“He did drugs.”
“Ma, marijuana is legal all over the place.”
“No, no, not weed, heroin. He did heroin.”
“Damn, that’s bad. He was partying like a real rock star.”
“It’s not a joke.”
“It’s not but he’s a musician so I can’t say I’m in state of shock.”
“Get out my face. Bring that stuff inside the house.”
Aaron marched out of my room.
The next week more boxes came. I didn’t open them. I got out of bed and brought them inside. I went into the basement to wash clothes and I saw Aaron hadn’t retuned the previous weeks boxes. He tried to hide them in the basement. I wasn’t happy about it but didn’t have the energy to send him a text message going off.
I didn’t want to think about Jagger every day. It was like he was purposely fucking with me. What did he want? I still couldn’t believe how easy it was for him to just erase me. He was so cruel. I was getting mad again. Mad because almost everything in life reminded me of him.
I was in bed when Aaron got home from school. He came into my room like always.
“Did you shower today?” This boy’s mouth.
“How was school?”
“Good.” He pulled out his cell phone. “I got tagged in this video on IG.”
“What video?” I looked at him from the TV screen.
“A video of Jagger singing and acoustic version of Marvin’s Gaye’s Come Get To This. It’s dedicated to you.”
“What?”
“He’s singing to you in this video.”
“That’s stupid. Why do you think that?”
‘Ma, seriously? Who doesn’t check their exes social media to see if they are sending subliminal messages?”
“Ah I don’t.”
“Everybody else does. Look.” Aaron shoved the cell phone in my face. Jagger was sitting in a chair with one of his guitars. The audio played and he was surly singing Marvin.
“He’s just singing.”
“Read the caption.”
I read. I heart emoji my candy. I MISS SWEETS cat emoji, crying emoji, crying emoji, crying emoji.
I wasn’t expecting this— is voice singing Marvin or the coded declaration of love. I started to tear up right in front of my son.
“I’m sorry, Ma.”
“Take this phone and go do your home work.”
Aaron hesitated but he left me alone. I got my own cell phone and went to Jagger’s Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and Tik Tok accounts. I couldn’t help myself. He had posted it to all of them. I listened to him sing the song six times. I was so unhappy with myself that I went into the kitchen and eat twenty-four Oreo cookies.
JAGGER
Was I proud of my behavior? No. Did I regret the things I said? Yes. Was there anything I could do about it? I didn’t know the answer to that question.
After she was gone I knew I fucked up. After that first hit I knew I wanted more— drugs. I called David after I was locked in the hotel room with Archie, Winston, and Colin standing guard. I did relapse but my mates wouldn’t let me take a piss by my lonesome. They forced me to detox. It was horrible.
After I talked to David he told me to fly to him. He picked me up from the airport and drove me back to Galena. This time was going to be different he said and he was right. There was no Kat. It was just me and my demons. Of course I felt like a failure. I failed at sobriety and I failed at the only relationship with the woman I loved. I wonder if these were the same feeling my father had. Could this be why took his own life. I had a heightened level of sympathy for him. I always thought of him as weak. I had to rethink so many things. I had to rethink and learn to cope. Was I hurting others more than I was hurting myself. I didn’t have the answers but I hoped to gain some insight while I was living with David and Fiona.
Part of the recovery process was making amends with people you wronged. I had a list. I tried to call Kat right away. There was no answer. She had me blocked. I had other ways to reach her and I soon learned her son had me blocked too. I started sending gifts to her house. I spent a lot of time online shopping while I was at Dr. David’s. I bought stuff and sent it to Katrina’s house in Naperville. I was only three hours from her but it felt like I was across the pond.
I thought about getting Katrina back more than I ever thought about doing drugs. I noticed that right away. Why was I such a shitty person? I needed to donate to at least four charities to wash the selfish entitled arsehole off of me. I needed a lot of therapy and that’s just what I got from David.
On the twenty-first day I was done. It was up to me to stay sober. I couldn’t use my childhood trauma, as an excuse to lash out, be a jerk or do drugs.
I drove from Galena to Naperville in a rental. I pulled up to Katrina’s house a little after noontime. I parked in her driveway. Her truck was outside so maybe that meant she was home. I got out the car and went to the front door. I rang her bell. I knocked. After a few seconds she opened the door. Her face told me she expected someone else.
She was wearing tight multi-colored exercise pants and a long pink sleeveless t-shirt without a bra. Her hair was piled on top of her head in a messy ball. No make-up, no shoes. She looked younger than me.
“What are you doing here?”
“I was in the neighborhood.”
She rolled her eyes. I was just happy she was looking directly at me.
“Were you expecting someone else?”
She pursed her lips. “FedEx, U.P.S, Amazon, U.S.P.S.”
“Right.” I ordered a lot of stuff. “Kat, I tried to call you. You blocked my number.”
“I did.”
“You blocked Winston’s number.”
“I did. Jagger, I’m tired. What do you want?”
“I wanted to apologize in person.”
“Great, apology accepted. You did it. Bravo.”
Her sarcasm and wit were traits I loved about her. Hope she didn’t seriously think I was going to leave.
“Can I please come inside?”
“You don’t have to come in to say whatever you have to say. You apologized I accepted. That’s it and that’s all.”
“I have more to say.”
“I don’t give a fuck. Say it to someone that gives a shit.”
“I deserve this. I do. I’m a terrible person. I’m really fucking stupid that’s apparently something I’ve come to grips with.”
“I do not care.”
“I’m not leaving.”
“Stand out here forever then.”
“I know where you keep your hidden key.”
She went from mad to pissed. “If you use a key to enter my house I will call the police.”
“Seriously? You would do that to me?”
&nbs
p; She blew air from her perfect lips. “Yes, I would do it. You’re White. They are not going to accidentally shoot you.”
That was probably true but not the route I was trying to take. “I need five minutes.”
“For what?” She crossed her arms under her breasts. “Do you want something back?”
“Something back?”
“Just ask for it, so I can give it to you.”
“If you’re referring to anything I gifted you that’s just ludicrous. I’m not here to take back gifts.”
“Not sure why after four weeks you’re here.” She was keeping track.
“I can explain if you let me inside for five minutes.”
“I’m not going to act like I was under the influence when I said those things. It was all lies. Lies I babbled to bloody drive you away. In my mind, at the time, it made sense to me. I didn’t want you to see me using. I was going to use again. I do not want you to see it.”
“Did you do more drugs when you kicked me out?”
“No, but I intended to but my mates held me hostage. They wouldn’t let me leave. I haven’t touched anything since that day.”
“I’m happy for you.”
“I messed up so bad. I handled everything like a child. I have a lot of growing up to do.”
“Okay.”
“But, I want you back. I want us back.”
“No.”
“Please, I would do anything.”
“No, I’m not going to go through anything like that ever again. You are right. Your life and my life don’t mix.”
“Kat, no please. I love you. I want all the plans we had. I want out future.”
“I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”
“No, I’m not going to accept that.”
“You have to.”
Fuck! I was crying. Shit! “Katrina?” Begging was a thing I’d seen others to and clearly I wasn’t above it. “Please.”
“Shot crying!”
“I love you, Katrina. Please.”
“Stop, don’t do this.” One tear rolled down her cheek. “Leave please.”