by Sarah Noffke
“So this is your house?” I ask to Ronald.
“Naturally,” he says, rocking forward on his toes.
“Now, here’s a part of the history I’m not proud of,” Tutu says. “With Ronald gone and his house being reassigned I knew I had to do something fast. I knew his ghost was in this house, and could not leave it. He could be here or he had to pass over all the way. So I did what any woman in my position would do and I professed my love to Fred Fuller, the man who was rumored to be moving into this house. He was high up in the government and I knew very little of him. Since he was much older and I was quite attractive he quickly proposed and we were married.”
“Wait, you married my grandfather so that you could live in this house?” I ask.
“So that I could be with Ronald,” she says.
That’s crazy. That’s one of the boldest moves I’ve heard of for love. “But you didn’t even know Fred,” I say.
“And I learned just what kind of sacrifice I’d made. He was an awful man. Calloused and power hungry. He was the man who made Damien who he is. And none of my attempts to intervene ever worked. But…” Her eyes sparkle when they land on Ronald, who stands beside me. “I had my Ronald and that was enough to keep me happy for a very long time.”
“So are you passing over so you two can be together as ghosts?” And somehow the words sound like I’ve just spoken a foreign language.
“No,” she says flatly. “I don’t wish to haunt. I’m passing all the way over. I will not remain on this earth.”
“But how do you know you two will be together?”
“We don’t,” Ronald answers. “But we hope that crossing at the same time will tie our souls to each other.”
Again my head swims like I might pass out from all this information. Somehow I stay standing. “That’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard of.”
Tutu’s periwinkle eyes dazzle with joy. “And you are the only one who has ever heard it. You, dear, are the only one who knows. Please guard my secret.”
“I will. But do you still have to pass? Can’t you just alter the deal a little?”
“Em, my body is tired. I’m not sure exactly how I did it this long. I think Ronald kept me going,” Tutu says and then gives me a tender smile. “You, child, did for sure. And it’s beautiful that I used my intention to stay on this earth. It’s something I hope you learn from me. But even if I didn’t make a promise, I wouldn’t last much longer. This vessel is done.”
“And I’m done with being a ghost,” Ronald says. “It is time I move on.”
“And I refuse to stay here without him,” Tutu says, her eyes fondly on Ronald.
And maybe it’s the reason behind her passing. Maybe it’s because she raised me to be strong. Or maybe it’s that her incredible acceptance and planning in this makes it easier to deal with. Whatever the reasons, I’m surprised to find my head nodding, my heart accepting this. “Okay,” I finally say.
“Before we part, I have two important things to tell you, child. Come closer,” Tutu says and reaches out for me, reminding me of Rogue in his final moments. He reached out to me with the same weak attempt. He lay in a bed before me, matter-of-factly stating he always knew he’d die on that day. How heartbreakingly similar their deaths are. It sits in the back of my mouth with a bitter taste. My acceptance has quickly flip-flopped to frustration. Rogue’s and Tutu’s deaths are too coincidental, like the gods are messing with me. But on the other side of this, at least the people who die around me are extremely cool about it. Maybe it’s my role as Morta that causes this.
Finally, abandoning my reserves, I arrive at Tutu’s side. And then she does something that captures my attention, if she didn’t already own it. She strokes my long hair away from my face. A gesture carrying such fondness with it. “You’re not the death of the society, Em. You’re the end of this oppressive rule, but only if you help those who help you survive.”
“I’m not sure what to do with what you’ve told me,” I say, my voice shaking. Every part of me is in disbelief.
Tutu shakes her head. “You will. Or you might. Or maybe you’ll fail and screw up this whole thing. Only the gods know. I’m not pretending to know the future.”
“Then why have you told me this craziness?” I ask.
“This is just what I’ve been told.”
“From your spirits?”
She nods, and it’s too slow and too small. The movement lacks all the power of one of Tutu’s usual movements.
“One more thing, child,” she, says grabbing my hand. The gesture makes my breath catch in my throat. In all my years, not once has she ever grabbed me. Touched me. Her voice was the only thing that ever got my attention. But now her wrinkled fingers command it.
“You forgot I had two things to tell you,” she says with a tired smirk.
“I didn’t forget,” I say, feeling the tears creep into the back of my throat.
“Your sister Dee, she dictates the length of this war. Your sister Nona started this war.”
I pause and regard her with disbelief. She winks back at me and continues. “It’s all true, sweet child. One day, the gods will prove it. But what I need to say before I don’t have a chance is that your namesake doesn’t mean death to people.”
“Then what does it mean?”
“Sweet Em, your name means you end this war. Of your choosing.”
“What? How do I do that?”
“You wait.”
“What?!”
“Your role isn’t to decide when to end this war, but rather how it ends. It is Dee who appears to have the role to decide how long it goes on. She’s isn’t powerful, not like you or Nona, so I believe she will do something to accelerate events at some point. And then you’ll have to make choices.”
“Tutu, why are you speaking like you know the future?” I ask skeptically.
“If I knew it I’d tell you, child. I know a few prophecies, but that is all. They are all very metaphorical and symbolic, but this one I don’t doubt its validity.”
I blow out a long breath. “Why does Dee get a power role in this?” I say bitterly. “She loves war and drama and pain. She’ll make this go on forever.”
“Actually, she’s her father’s child. She is lustful for power and if something comes between her and what she wants then she turns murderous, which is how I fear this war will fall into your hands. That’s when you’ll need to end it, but how will be your choice.”
“So no pressure,” I say, trying to piece together everything Tutu has shared. Then something she just said strikes me oddly. “Father is corrupt and cruel, but has he murdered? I know Vider has, but my father…?”
Tutu gives me a sly smile. “I never said Damien was Dee’s father, did I?”
“What? What does that mean?”
“I said she was her father’s child, am I right?”
“And you said, like him, she turns murderous to get what she wants…” I say, my brain twisting and turning with all of these new pieces of information. And then it drives home and I know with such certainty that my assumption is correct. But it changes nothing. It only proves how weird this Valley is. “Vider is Dee’s father?”
“You didn’t hear it from me,” Tutu says with a mischievous wink.
“I want to say that’s strange, but after everything that’s happened the last few days, it’s believable.”
“Em, I fear you will learn more unbelievable things before this is over. And I’d like to say I’ll be watching over you, but…” Her eyes flick to Ronald at my back. I can feel the icy chill of his presence behind me. “But I don’t know where we’ll be.”
I turn and look at Ronald. He looks mesmerized as he stares at my tutu, his eyes alive with delight. “I really hope you two are together,” I say to him.
Without taking his eyes off her he says, “I hope so too, and that is one of the most powerful ways to get anywhere. Hope.” His gaze drifts to me. “But we will have passed and it will be nice to move on.
I’m ready. Marylou is ready.”
I nod. Open my mouth to say something about goodbyes, but it sounds dumb in my head so I slam my lips closed.
“Dear Em,” Ronald says, tilting his head to look at me. “I know you incredibly well, but I realize you know very little of me. It has been one of the grandest highlights of the last eighty years to watch you come into this world and grow into a woman.”
I breathe through a tender ache rising in my throat. “Eighty years you existed like you are so you could be with Tutu?”
His eyes light up as they flick to Tutu and then back to me. “And I regret not a minute of it. Our life was not a conventional one, but it was one that we both cherished.” His eyes flick to the baby grandfather clock in the corner and then to me again. “The hour is getting late and we don’t want to risk you getting caught, but I have one thing to say before I turn you over to your grandmother.”
“Yes,” I say, so intrigued by the ghost before me, by how captivating he is without a body. I’m only half able to comprehend the presence he would have held in physical form.
“People fight wars for power. But those who win are motivated by love. Never lose sight of that.” He smiles fondly at Tutu. “It is our love that has carried us so far, that has made us persevere when times were tough.”
“Thank you,” I say, and again I want to say more, but my mouth is dry. My thoughts clouded.
He waves his hand at me, like he’s trying to scoot me forward. “Now turn and face your tutu. I’d say I was going to give you two a private moment, but it would be a lie. I’ve always been here.”
“You’ve always been a creep like that,” Tutu says, her voice hoarse.
“You’ve always loved it about me,” he says, a smile in his tone.
“I’m not arguing that,” she says and pats the bed. “Sit, child. I only have one thing left to say to you.”
I take a seat on the side of her bed, jostling her a little. Even though I’m unsure if it’s all right I grab her hand and hold it in both of mine. “Yes, Tutu. What is it?”
“I just want to say something you already know, but you deserve to hear,” she says.
A constant ache now lives in my chest and throat, but I welcome it, because it connects me to this moment that rightfully holds pain. “Yes?”
“I love you, Em, with all my heart,” she says with a smile that I engrave in my memory and hope it stays there for eternity.
Chapter Fifteen
If I had the option of being alone with my newest pain then I’d seize it. If I could spend the rest of the day hiking, and memorializing my tutu, then I would. But that’s not an option for me. With my chin held high I return to the conversion lab, not a mark of stress on my face. However, by the end of the day, my outer casing begins to crack and I know soon the weight of my new loss will need to be acknowledged.
I manage to keep the tears tucked inside my being all day, but they are straining to be released by the time I reach Zack’s house that afternoon. Relieved that soon I’ll have a private place to grieve I slip in through the back. I haven’t completely closed the door when urgent footsteps race from the other room. A second later the kitchen door swings open and Zack stands looking at me, his face heavy with concern.
“Where have you been?” he asks, racing up to me.
I take a step back, planting my spine firmly up against the door. “At the labs,” I say, confused and instantly concerned by his urgent manner. “What’s wrong?”
“Em, it’s your tutu,” he says, slowly. His brow wrinkling with stress.
“Oh,” I say, relieved that something else hasn’t happened. I was starting to worry Nona was in trouble. “I know. She’s dead. I was with her when she passed this morning.” And my words sound too familiar. Too cold.
Zack blinks in surprise. “You went back to the labs after watching your grandmother die?”
I move to step around him, but he cuts me off.
“I had to. I can’t allow innocent kids to be converted and Ren doesn’t like working with anyone else,” I say.
He swipes his hand over his forehead, stress oozing off his movements. “Em, you’ve got to give yourself a break.”
My lip trembles. Jaw shakes. And the tears I’ve held behind the dam all day threaten to break through. I nod. “I know. That’s what I was planning on doing now.” I step again, another attempt to move around him. And again he cuts me off.
He places a firm hand on my shoulder and gives me a glassy stare. “Don’t bottle this up and deal with it alone like you did with Rogue. Let me help you.”
Of course all I want is to feel Zack’s arms wrap around me. But in two days’ time he won’t be able to comfort me anymore. I’m not sure if I want what I won’t be able to have. I sense the best way to deal with the change coming is to keep distance between us. I’m still staring up at him, hesitation riddling my expression.
“Look, just forget about last night,” he says, squeezing my shoulder.
I shake my head. “It’s not about last night, Zack. I’m just trying to wean myself off you.”
A surprised smile springs to his mouth. “Don’t be ludicrous. Now is when I can be there for you. Let’s not lose this time.”
Looking at Zack is making me feel extra vulnerable, more so than I’ve been all day. I lay my hand on top of his on my shoulder. “Fine,” I say with a fake smile. “But don’t expect me to be nice to you. That will be our deal until we part.”
“When have you ever been nice to me?” he says, relief breaking across his face. And then he does the one thing that connects me with my pain. He slides his arms around me and pulls me into him. “I was afraid you were going to keep up this charade for the next two days.”
Through the tears that have peeked through the corners of my eyes I laugh. And then I cry again, burying my face in his chest. Zack rubs my back and whispers into my hair. “I’m so sorry, Em.” And there’s real sympathy in his voice.
Then a thought occurs to me, putting an instant halt to my tears. Hope rises in my chest as I jump back out of Zack’s arms. “The wedding? Will it be postponed now? For Tutu’s memorial service?”
Zack’s face falls fast with disappointment and I don’t need him to answer my question. He narrows his eyes as he fixes his gaze on the wall behind me. “You know Dee doesn’t care about your tutu.”
“Right.” I bite on the word. “So no.” For a few seconds I expanded with hope that I had another week or maybe two with Zack, but alas no. And then the secret Tutu told me about Dee’s real father springs to my mind. I grab his hand, pulling him to the living room. “I’ve got to tell you something.”
***
“That means Rogue would have been Dee’s brother,” Zack says, looking more perplexed than he usually is.
I shiver with disgust. “Don’t go there,” I say, hurling a throw pillow at him. Why does Dee have to have a connection to the guys in my life?
“Just stating the obvious,” Zack says.
“Well then you obviously know that you’ll be fathering Vider’s grandchildren.” I don’t even have all my words out before Zack’s eyes narrow with resentment. “I told you I wasn’t going to be nice to you.”
“You weren’t kidding,” he says, blowing out a long breath. “I don’t see what good this information does us. There’s no way to prove it and uncovering it might endanger my reputation.”
“No, I don’t think you should say anything. I’m just filling you in on the numerous conspiracies I’m privy to.”
“Oh, there’s more?” Zack says, angling his eyebrow up.
“Lots more. Like not only are you having Vider’s grandchildren, but they’ll also be part Middling since my mother is half.” I duck in time to avoid the pillow Zack throws back at me.
“First of all, do you think talking like that is productive?” Zack says.
“About the demons you’ll spawn?” I say with a morbid laugh. “No, it’s not productive, but it’s keeping me from going crazy. It�
��s keeping me from really dealing with it.”
Zack throws his head back on the couch and presses his fingertips against his temples. “And your mother is half Middling? Did your tutu tell you that?”
“No, Uncle Ren-Ren did.”
“He’d know,” Zack says, his eyes still closed.
“And my father doesn’t know,” I say in a conspiratorial whisper.
“Your mother has a lot of secrets,” Zack says.
“I’m learning that everyone in this Valley has secrets,” I say.
Zack flips his head up and gives me a worried stare just as Nona slips through the front door. She’s dressed all in black and is scolding me with a disapproving grimace.
“You’re not ready,” she says, tapping her foot.
“Oh, right,” I say, springing up to my feet and darting for my room to dress. “Sorry.”
I throw a black hoodie on and tie my thick hair back in a contained bun. What Nona and I should be doing on the day our tutu has died is mourning with each other. Comforting one another. But there’s no time for that. Instead, we’re going to break into a water treatment plant and replace the antidepressants Vider has been drugging Middlings with, with something that has zero effect. I considered putting it off but security is minimal on Thursday nights. We shouldn’t have to worry about guards, only security cameras and a security system. It’s top notch and fooling it will be the real challenge, but I don’t have to risk harming a person and for that I’m grateful.
“Are you ready to drug a population of people?” Nona says to me with a forced smile when I bound down the stairs. Her face is puffy from crying but she’d never admit it so I refrain from asking her if she’s all right.
“We are un-drugging a population,” I correct, flashing my own false smile.
“I know, but that doesn’t sound as good,” she says.
“Okay, well, are you ready to boil some water or freeze it or whatever it takes to negate its current drugging effect?”
“Yes, but you should really leave the one-liners up to me,” she says.
I can’t help it. Looking at how hard she’s trying to contain her pain forces me to close the distance between us and wrap my arms around her, squeezing her small frame into me. I want to tell her about Ronald. I think Tutu wouldn’t mind since it’s Nona but now isn’t the time.