by Sarah Noffke
And then everything adds up and equals my currently reality. “Zack!” I say, rocking to a standing position and almost falling over at once. It’s Parker’s hand that steadies me at my side. “I have to see him,” I say, pleading to Parker.
“Of course you do,” he says, looking delighted. “But you’ll obviously need some help to make it to his house.”
“Parker, you’ll…?” I leave the question hanging in the air.
Parker regards me for several seconds. “Yes, of course I will. It would be an honor to deliver you to Zack safely.”
“Did you know that we…” Again I don’t finish my sentence, but I can tell from Parker’s expression that he fills in the words perfectly.
“Yes, I know,” he says. Parker’s eyes sparkle with a thoughtful sentiment. “I called Zack after you were stable, knowing you two are close friends and he’d be concerned. He asked if he could come over to be at your side. I didn’t think it was a good idea since he’s quite the talk of the town and everyone will have their eyes on him. I’m sorry, but I didn’t want him drawing attention to my home and then maybe to the fact that you are here.”
“I understand,” I say, everything humming in my being.
“So he asked me if I’d bring you to him when you were well enough and of course I hesitated.”
I blink my eyes at Parker with disbelief. “Em,” he continues, “you’re my patient and I must look out for your best interests. That’s when Zack made a certain confession to me and then I fully understood why he didn’t go forward with the marriage to your sister. I think the whole thing is actually quite beautiful. Inspiring even.”
And right then I realize that the affection I thought Parker had for me is completely platonic at this point. Maybe it was all misconstrued before, which is easy to do during a war. “So you are going to take me to him?”
He nods. “I’m your doctor and your friend. I can only imagine how much you would want to see him after everything you’ve both been through.”
“Thank you, Parker,” I say, throwing my arms around him and instantly regretting it. My arms and back and head reject the movement but Parker’s arms soothe me still.
“You’re welcome, Em,” he says, a smile in his voice.
Chapter Twenty-One
Over the last six months I have crossed the Valley undetected a hundred times. Each time has held its own dangers, but this is the first time I worry my own body will fail me. The alleyways are dark and it’s close to curfew, but I’m vigilant about ensuring no one sees the doctor helping me along through the streets.
My mind constricts with stress as I think about who I’m going to see in only a few minutes. And yet I know there’s no one else I need to see. I step a bit hastily around a corner and stumble, almost falling out of Parker’s grasp.
“Seriously, Em,” Parker warns. “I’ll turn around and take you back to my house if you don’t slow down.”
I nod, watching my feet move. “I’m just…” And what I want to say and what I’m capable of saying don’t match up.
“You’re excited to see Zack, I get it. Just don’t kill yourself on the way to him, okay?” I’m starting to learn this doctor who I’ve built a friendship with is more intuitive than I imagined.
It takes twice as long as usual to make it to Zack’s back gate. My head is already beating with an intense pressure. I reach into the pocket where Parker stashed pain meds for me.
“It’s too soon,” he says as I pop a pill into my mouth. “You just had one.”
“And most of your patients who you treat don’t hike after an injury,” I say, closing my eyes against the pain blanketing my thoughts.
“Em, I don’t have patients with ailments anymore. You really put my schooling to the test today,” he says.
I open my eyes to find his staring at me with hope. “I’m glad I could throw a challenge at you, I’ve noticed you getting bored,” I say.
“Yeah, thanks for the challenge,” he says, with an optimistic smile. “I look forward to the day when the people in this Valley come to me for fractured bones and stubborn colds. I look forward to treating real people who are allowed to have real ailments. Not ones created by their trusted leader.”
“I will do everything I can to make that a part of your reality, Parker,” I say, pinching his cheek fondly.
“I know,” he says, and pulls me up the stairs of the portico.
The door opens before we arrive. Zack stands looking at me with the most heartbreaking torture. He’s wearing his tuxedo shirt and pants, no tie. I pull my arm from around Parker’s shoulders. The doctor stands up tall, looking relieved not to have to support my weight any longer.
“As promised,” Parker says to Zack, waving his hand at me in a presenting manner.
I make to smile, but sway instead, catching myself on the railing.
“Whoa now,” Parker says, grabbing my hand and directing it forward until he places it in Zack’s. And just like that he relinquishes me over. I turn and look at Parker, who’s already rushed down the stairs. I know he’s hurrying home before curfew.
“Thank you,” I whisper down to him.
“For you, anytime,” Parker says, saluting as he sprints through the lawn.
And then I do what I’m avoiding. Slowly, like this is a life-defining moment, I turn and face Zack. His hand still holds mine. As soon as our eyes meet, I recognize that too much emotion lies between us now. It will take a lifetime to sort through all the thoughts and feelings springing back and forth in the gazes we’re giving each other. And a part of me just needed to see Zack, to know he wasn’t chained to my evil sister forever. And now that I do, I deflate, realizing he’s still the same guy who rejected me so many hours earlier.
Maybe sensing my hesitation, Zack allows my hand to slip from his as I enter the house. I pin my lower back up against the countertop for support. I want to look back at Zack, to have a meaningful conversation, but my thoughts are swimming from the meds and the pain and the heartbreak. Zack has backed off a safe distance, but I feel his eyes on me in the dark kitchen.
“How do you feel?” he asks, his voice sounding like the best thing I’ve heard all day and instantly I find myself smiling at his simple question.
“Like I fell off my horse and got trampled by her,” I say, my eyes on the travertine floor.
“Then why are you smiling?” he asks.
“Because you didn’t marry her.” I bring my gaze up to his to find his bright eyes that I associate with home.
“Em,” he says, his voice low. “I was ready to do it. I really thought it was what was best for the war. I really thought I was finally going to provide something toward the initiative. You’d sacrificed your own life, I wanted to give that much. But when it came down to it, my selfishness won out.” His hands comb through his hair, one after the other until it breaks free of the gel. Then he flips his head up and looks at me with loose blond locks. “I will do anything for this war. Anything,” he says with absolute conviction. “I’ll do anything, but I won’t lose you.”
Every word I know is vaulted away inside me and I’ve lost the key. I stand frozen, looking at him.
“Remember when you asked me about what Rogue said to me before he died?” Zack continues after a long silence.
I nod, and it takes a toll on my reserves.
Zack must spy this because he says, “Do you want to lie down?”
I shake my head. “Please continue,” I say.
“Rogue told me two things that night.” Zack blows out a long breath through his mouth. Resigns a little of his stress. “He told me that I don’t take chances that count.” He pauses. Hesitates. “And he also said that he knew I’d been in love with you all my life,” he says in a rushed sentence, like all the words are only one.
“What?” I stammer, thinking how weird it is that Rogue said such a strange thing on his deathbed.
“I know, it’s weird,” Zack says, having read my thoughts. “He told me he saw a future w
here you and I had a potential to really be together, but he said I’d blow it if I didn’t take a chance.”
“Why would he say such a thing?”
“Because he’s Rogue,” Zack says.
I want to crumble to the ground and cry, thinking of the man I love who had this strange conversation with the other man I love. And yet my feet remain under me. “Rogue told you to take a chance if you wanted to be with me? On his deathbed? That’s the most bizarre thing I’ve ever heard of,” I say.
Zack nods. “He knew I loved you. We both did. How could we not?”
A relentless thumping takes residence in my chest. I open my mouth to say something and then realize I have nothing to say. No response to this confession.
“I know you loved Rogue,” Zack continues. “I’m not him. I can’t love you like he did, but I can love you in my own way, and I want to.”
“Is this you listening to Rogue’s advice? Are you trying to take a chance?” I ask, and it almost sounds like I’m poking fun at him.
“Yes.” He nods. “And I want to make you an offer.”
“An offer?” Why did this all of the sudden sound impersonal, like this is one of Zack’s business meetings?
His blue eyes light up though, and it’s a look I know he rarely has at work. “Yes. This offer is always good and will never expire.”
“I’m listening,” I say, my mind flip-flopping between being bewildered and elated. “What’s your offer?”
Zack clears his throat. Stares at me with uncertain eyes. “Me,” he says plainly.
I gulp in surprise. “What?”
“I’m not sure if after Rogue you’re ready or if you’ll ever be ready. And I fear that after what I put you through you might not want me that way anymore. But, Em, if you ever want to share a life with me, as more than just friends, then my answer will always be yes. If you ever want me, then I’m forever yours.”
“Why does this sound like a proposal?” I ask, my mind cramping.
“It’s not a proposal, it’s a promise.”
“This is a lot to process,” I say, pressing my hand to my head and meeting my bandages, which quickly makes me squeamish. “I’m grateful you didn’t marry Dee, but I don’t think that means we automatically belong together. We’ve been through a lot today. What you’re offering is beautiful and wonderful, but—”
“And it always stands,” he says, cutting me off. “It doesn’t have to be tonight. I’m here, if you ever want me, Em,” Zack says, looking straight at me. “The offer stands for the rest of my life, but I get that you’re still mad at me…as you should be.”
“I’m not mad at you. I’m in love with you, but I’m afraid we’re going to mess this up. That’s what haunts me,” I say. “I almost lost you today. For good. I don’t want to do anything to ruin our friendship. I know after everything I’ve lost that I can’t risk losing you again.”
“I won’t hurt you. I won’t ruin us. I’d go to any end to protect you. I was going to marry your sister to protect you.”
“Don’t remind me,” I say, unable to hide the shiver that oozes out of me at the thought that Dee’s hands have been on Zack.
We both fall silent and regard each other with heartbroken stares. Zack takes turns balancing his weight between his feet. He suddenly looks so uncertain of himself. And I’m not sure what we need to say at this point. I’m unsure of everything between us right now. But I’m grateful that something can exist between us. I’m grateful my worst fear didn’t come to fruition today.
“Look, I’m going to go take a shower,” I say, defeat resonating in my tone. “I smell like I was trapped in a burning building.”
And an almost smile flicks to his mouth. It’s too small. Too strained. I’ve never felt tension like this between Zack and me. I want to tell him to act normal but what does that mean? Act like you did before when you pretended not to be in love with me? Zack and I need to find a new normal but I have no idea how to do that with him.
Something suddenly occurs to me. “About the wedding,” I say.
His eyes startle with worry. “Yes?”
“Zack, will you be all right after what you’ve done? What will my father do to you?”
“Probably nothing.” He combs his hands through his loose hair. “Chief Fuller has already arranged a meeting with me for tomorrow though.”
“On a Sunday?” That can’t be good.
He nods. “I’ll probably have to deal with some backlash, but I’ll accept the repercussions of my actions. I might be demoted, but I also have a case to make for keeping my current position. Either way, I’ll be able to secure the evidence that Smith wants.”
I drag in a long breath and instantly regret it. The smell of the smoke clinging to my hair makes me nauseous. “I better go shower,” I say.
He consents with a nod. “There’s fresh linens in your room.”
“Thanks,” I say and tuck my head down low as I exit.
When I leave the kitchen I find the living room clean and orderly. All of the books I tore off the shelves and the lamps I broke have been cleaned up and repaired. It was that act that almost indirectly killed me. I don’t realize that I’m frozen, staring at the orderly bookcase, until Zack arrives in front of me, peering at me sideways like he’s afraid I’ve lost it. “Em?” he says. “What is it? Are you all right?”
I bring my eyes up to his. I want to tell him that I’m sorry I leeched him without his permission. That I’m sorry I stole so much of his energy. I want to tell Zack that my injuries are a punishment for abusing my power. Instead I say, “I’m sorry if I damaged any of your books. I know how much you treasure them.”
“The books are fine,” he says. “What I worry about is you. Em, you pulled over five hundred books off these shelves at once.” He motions to the bookshelves that line the living room walls. “I could practice my entire life and I wouldn’t be able to do that using my gift.”
“Why would that make you worried about me?”
“You’re so powerful and also reactionary, I’m afraid you’re going to get yourself…” His words trail away as his eyes trail to the bandage on my head. “…even more hurt.”
The blast of electricity I shot out of my hand replays in my mind. If I’m honest, my power scares me too. I have every gift at my disposal. But in taking those gifts I risk burning myself alive. And the way to save myself creates destruction. “I think,” I begin slowly, “I’m more afraid that I’m going to kill others. I am Morta after all.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
I’ve always been able to think best in the shower. The steam and hot water somehow boil the right thoughts to the surface. I’m careful to keep the water off my back and head, while washing the smoke off me.
It’s strange to think Zack has secretly loved me. Maybe there were times I sensed his affection but I always thought he was having a fleeting emotion, like when he almost kissed me the other night. And honestly I’ve punished myself for ever hoping he’d think of me as more than a friend. I’ve been the rebel. The tomboy. The one he always rolled his eyes at for making uncouth remarks. And yet I’ve loved Zack for so long. It’s why I constantly banged on his door and dragged him to Rogue’s, using him for why we should hang out. I knew he couldn’t refuse an invite from the President’s son.
And Rogue. Now thinking about him feels strange. He knew Zack’s feelings. Saw a future with us together. Rogue pushed Zack to act on his true feelings when he was dying. If possible I love Rogue more for this because he selflessly wanted what was best for us. How had Rogue allowed the idea of a future where Zack and I were together not infuriate him with jealousy? Was it because he knew he was going to die? And then the thought has occurred to me that Rogue was trying to give me permission to move on by orchestrating this all, by telling Zack to take a chance. To be honest, I need that permission from Rogue because without it I’ve punished myself for considering the idea of moving on.
All I know for certain in this moment is how I feel ab
out Zack. I love him. For so long I’ve felt a pure affection for him, one that never ebbed or flowed. It isn’t like it was with Rogue, where I never considered loving him and then found myself pulled in by his charisma. The way I feel about Zack has always been steady and fueled by my own draw to him, not his attempts to win my attention.
I dress in my yoga pants and cashmere sweater. And although I slept most of the day, my body begs to be laid out in my bed without an agenda for my mind. But that’s not happening since I already have dream travel plans for later. Right now, though, I have some unfinished business to attend to.
The hallway between Zack’s room and mine is dark. A sliver of light from the crack in his door sprays through the hall. Through it I spy him moving around in his room. The part of me that rebels against all the etiquette force-fed to me my entire life wants to charge into his room. I want to yell at him, to lay down a hundred truths. But as much as I don’t want to be, I’m a product of my upbringing.
I tiptoe to his room and watch him through the small crack along the door. Zack unfastens his silver watch and lays it down in the box on the top of his dresser. Next his cufflinks come off. And it’s then that I push open the door, the hinges making note of the movement with a small squeak. Zack freezes. Stares at his shiny silver and diamond encrusted cufflinks winking back at him from the box. And then the corner of his mouth raises slightly.
“I thought you’d be asleep by now, Em,” he says, unbuttoning the cuffs of his shirt, still not looking at me.
“You’d think so, huh?” I say.
Zack turns and faces me, his eyes falling on my feet before he brings them up to my face. The look he gives me pierces my core. Softens my knees. Caves in a part of my being. It’s then that I realize he’s taken off the mask and right now he’s looking at me with the adoration he’s always felt for me. And never do I want him to look away. Ever.
“Do you feel better?” he asks, strolling to his closet. There he slips off his shoes. I wait for him to return before I pretend to smile.