by E. L. Todd
“The tattoo I wanted to get…?” Slade looked at Dad. “You drew it for me?”
“Actually, I’m going to get the same one.” He stared at Slade and didn’t blink. “In the same place.”
My family knew what that meant. Dad didn’t have any tattoos besides his wedding band. He said he wouldn’t get another one unless it really meant something. The fact he wanted to share an identical one with Slade was a big deal.
“Seriously?” Slade’s jaw dropped. “You are?”
“Yeah.” My dad smirked.
“Awe…” Mom covered her face. “So cute…”
“This is awesome!” Slade moved into his arms and hugged him tightly. “It’s going to look so sick.”
Dad chuckled. “Yeah, it will.”
“I’ll do yours and you’ll do mine.”
Dad shook his head. “Um, I’ll pass. You don’t have enough experience yet.”
“Whatever,” Slade said.
We exchanged the rest of our gifts, and Mom handed Arsen a few.
He stared at them apprehensively. “Uh…what are these?”
“These are for you.” Mom gave him a bright smile. “Open them.”
“You got me gifts?” Arsen didn’t know what to do. He was in shock and lost his cool.
“Well, that’s what people do on Christmas,” Slade said sarcastically. “Get with the program, man.”
“Shut up, Slade.” I didn’t look at him when I said it.
“I…I can’t take these.” Arsen pushed them back. “But thank you,” he added.
“Nonsense.” Dad handed them back. “If you’re important to Silke, you’re important to us.”
Arsen was put on the spot and had nowhere to run.
“It’s okay.” I touched his hand. “Go ahead.”
With all eyes on him, he opened the first one. It was a set of old records. The Beatles, Jimi Hendrix, and The Doors were included. Arsen felt them in his hands while he stared down at them with wide eyes.
“Silke told us what music you like,” Dad explained. “I got these from a friend of mine. They’re original and still sound great.”
Arsen stared at them, speechless. “I…don’t know what to say. Thank you.”
“Of course.” Mom patted his shoulder.
“You got more.” Dad pushed them closer.
Arsen took another breath before he opened the second one. It was a set of guitar picks. They were different colors, all in neon. “These are great.” He felt each one in his hand.
“They glow in the dark so you won’t lose them,” Mom explained. “Silke told us you play the guitar.”
“You do?” Slade asked. “We should jam together sometime.”
Arsen was still digesting everything and his response was weak. “Yeah…that’d be cool.” He eyed the last package then opened it. It was a gift card from my dad for his shop.
“If you ever want a tattoo, it’s on me,” Dad said. “I do a pretty good job.”
“Thanks,” Arsen said. “Maybe someday.” He felt the paper in his hands and kept his gaze averted. Then he looked up again. “Thank you for everything…that was really nice of you.”
“Of course,” Mom said. “You’re our guest. We were so excited to have you join us.”
I squeezed Arsen’s hand, reminding him I was there.
“I…I didn’t bring you guys anything,” he said hesitantly.
“Don’t worry about that,” Mom said immediately. “Honestly, we didn’t expect you to bring anything. Besides, we’re old. We already have everything we want.” She shot my dad a glare. “Especially when someone buys whatever they want all year round.”
“You’re one to talk,” Dad shot back. “All I have to do is look in your closet to see where my paycheck goes.”
“You mean my paycheck,” she snapped. “I buy my pretty things with my own money.”
Dad rolled his eyes. “That’s not what my mortgage bill says.”
She threw a bow from a present at him.
“Ouch,” he said sarcastically. “That hurt so much.”
“Oh, I’ll hurt you alright,” Mom threatened.
Arsen jumped to his feet then left the apartment without looking back. He walked away so quickly we couldn’t process it. He didn’t say goodbye or where he was going.
Slade raised an eyebrow. “Uh, did I miss something?”
“Is he okay?” Mom asked.
My dad watched me.
“He…he didn’t have a good childhood. Actually, he doesn’t have any family. I think you guys…really moved him.” I wanted to keep his secret but I had to explain his behavior so he wouldn’t seem rude.
My mom clutched her chest. “Oh, that’s so terrible. Silke, I’m so glad you brought him. Everyone deserves a happy Christmas.”
I nodded. “I think you gave it to him…he just wasn’t ready for it.”
Dad moved to his feet. “I’ll be right back.”
I knew what he was doing. “Just give him some space. He’ll be fine.”
Dad ignored me and walked out the door.
“He’s not going to yell at him, right?” I asked apprehensively.
Mom shook her head. “No, dear. Not at all.”
“Then what’s he going to say?” I asked.
Mom started to clean up the mess. “That’s between them.”
Chapter Five
Arsen
It was too much. The only Christmas I’d ever had was listening to my mom screw some guy for money so we had groceries and a place to live. Kids at school would show off their new toys and I always had empty pockets. I’d never had a happy childhood, nor was I a happy child.
Was that how Christmas was supposed to be? Were families always that happy? Silke’s parents treated me like they already cared about me. They didn’t care that I sold weed or drove a Harley. They accepted me, no questions asked.
That’s never happened before…
They were just like Silke. They had compassion like I’d never known. They weren’t judgmental, giving me the benefit of the doubt before forming an opinion. They showered me with gifts and made me feel welcomed even though they hardly knew me.
It was…unbelievable.
Now I understood where Silke got her beauty from, and I don’t just mean physically. She was selfless and trusting, seeing the good in me when I didn’t see it myself. Or when I forgot it even existed. She made me feel alive when I was dead. She made me…happy.
I headed down the stairs until I was a few floors away. I just needed space, a moment to catch my breath and not break down. Repressing painful memories was my specialty, but when her family showed me love, I couldn’t contain it. It was too much, too kind.
My mother had never been kind to me…
I rested my hands on my knees and tried to remain calm. I shouldn’t have barged out of there like that but I needed a moment. I’d apologize when I returned and make sure they understood how grateful I was. I wanted to shake her father’s hand and thank him for raising Silke. She was a gift.
Footsteps approached behind me but they were too heavy to belong to a woman. I knew it wasn’t Silke coming after me. She understood me well enough to know I needed to be alone. I already made a scene and she knew leaving her family would just draw more attention to it.
Feet appeared beside me then someone sat down.
When I glanced to my left, I recognized her father.
Shit, he followed me.
Now he was going to hate me like everyone else, think I was a rude punk because I ran away—again. Why did I have to fuck this up? That’s all I ever did, reject the things that were best for me because I didn’t think I deserved them.
He took a deep breath and sighed. “The holidays are hard…”
I cocked an eyebrow, not expecting him to say that.
“I used to dread them every year. All it did was remind me of what I didn’t have, what everyone else had, and why I was so unlucky in this life.”
I stared straight ah
ead, not sure what to say.
“Believe me, I get it.” He turned his face toward me and examined my profile. Then he dropped his gaze.
“You seem pretty happy,” I said quietly. “You have a beautiful family.”
He nodded. “I do have a beautiful family. They’re my whole life. But they weren’t always around…”
Should I ask what that meant?
“You and I aren’t that different, if you can believe it.”
No, I couldn’t.
“I’m going to tell you something that I’ve never told my kids. If you want to continue having my respect, you won’t mention anything I say to them.”
I nodded in agreement.
“I have a sister. Her name is Scarlet. She and I had a reasonably nice childhood. But our father passed away when I was twelve. Our mom was our sole guardian.” He cleared his throat. “And she was the devil. Abuse isn’t an accurate word to describe what she did to us. It was borderline torture. She used to burn cigarettes into our skin. To this day, I can’t stand to be around someone who smokes, and it’s not because of the smell.” He rubbed his palms together when he spoke. “I’ve had an ashtray thrown at my head, listened to my sister cry because of all the bruises, and lived in a great depression for a very long time. I’m older than my sister but I stayed in the house until she graduated high school because I honestly feared for her life. Once she started college, I left and started my own life.”
I had a hard time processing what he said. He just seemed like a happy person, someone who’s never known pain like I have.
“It took me many years to finally let go of the pain. Many, many years. My sister struggled with it more, and one day, my mom came after her and tried to kill her.”
My heart stopped beating.
“Everything worked out in the end,” he said quietly. “My sister is fine. And she’s still my best friend. Anyway, I know how you feel right now. Whatever happened to you as a child sticks with you wherever you go. But I promise, one day it will end. One day, the pain will stop. You’ll be able to accept love because you know you deserve it. And you’ll be able to return it.”
I stared at my hands, trying to control my emotions before they slipped out. “How did you know?”
“I can just tell.” He rested his elbows on his knees.
“When did you let it go?” I asked.
“When I met my wife. For the longest time, I didn’t think I deserved her. She was too good for me. Well, that’s still true to this day. But it took her a long time to finally convince me that I was good enough for her. She didn’t care that I inked for a living or that I was abused. She loved me for me. And one day, finally, I let her.” He turned toward me, giving me a gentle look. “And someday, that will happen for you.”
“I think it already has,” I whispered.
He smirked then looked away. “Silke is a wonderful girl. I’m not just saying that because she’s my daughter. She’s exactly how I raised her to be. She’s strong and sassy like her mother, not putting up with anyone’s bullshit, but she’s also compassionate and sympathetic. I wanted her to not judge people by their appearance, but to get to know the person underneath. She’s done that and never stereotypes people. She loves everyone. It doesn’t matter where you come from or what you used to be. And I’m glad she’s bringing you joy.”
“She’s…everything to me.”
“I can tell.”
“You can?” I asked.
He nodded. “All it takes is a look. Those old songs say you can tell if a man loves a woman by their kiss.” He shook his head. “That’s wrong. It’s the way he looks at her. It says it all.”
I cleared my throat. “I was really nervous about coming here today…”
“I understand. I was the same way when I met my wife’s parents. I assumed they would hate me because I was an uneducated tattoo artist.”
“Did they?” I asked.
“Nope. They didn’t have a problem with it.”
“Well, that’s nice.”
“But I have to admit, selling weed is a little different.” He chuckled. “For one, it’s illegal. And two, well…let’s just say I hope you keep my daughter away from that aspect of your life.”
“I never bring her around that stuff,” I said. “I keep her safe.”
“But, you will need to find something else someday. At least if you want Silke to stick around…”
“I do want her to stick around.”
“Then I’m sure you’ll find your way.” He clapped my shoulder and squeezed it. “Not all of us are born into the same playing field. Some are born in trenches and others are in palaces. But that doesn’t mean you can’t change where you end up.”
I looked at him and noticed the blue color of his eyes. They looked like Silke’s.
“And you can end up wherever you want.”
“Yeah…that’s true.”
“Come back up when you’re ready.” He stood and headed up the stairs.
“Sir?”
He stopped then turned around. “Call me Ryan. When you call me sir, I sound like a douche.”
I chuckled then faced him. “My dad left my mom when she was pregnant. Then she became a prostitute. Then she left me altogether. I lived in an orphanage until I was eighteen…because no one wanted to adopt me. I’ve been on my own since I was eleven.”
He stared at me but his face was unreadable. I knew my words hurt him.
“You shared something personal with me…I wanted to reciprocate.”
He descended the stairs until he was close to me. Then he pulled me in for a hug. “You make your own family, Arsen. Remember that.”
No man had ever hugged me before, especially in a familial way. It took me a moment to process what was happening. Then I returned the embrace, feeling my heart slow down. I was practically a stranger to him, but he gave me more love than I’d ever known.
He pulled away and patted me on the shoulder. “You’re a good kid. I know it.”
“Thank you for raising Silke,” I blurted. “She…saved my life.”
He smirked. “I know she’s great. I couldn’t be prouder.”
“And thank you for…everything.” I took a deep breath and kept a straight face. “For the gifts, your generosity, your warmth, not judging me for what I do for money, and…giving me the best Christmas I’ve ever known.”
“Arsen, that joy is only beginning.” He winked then walked up the stairs.
I stood still, feeling my heart slow. For the first time, Christmas didn’t hurt so much.
***
When I returned to the apartment, they were gathered in the living room watching a Christmas movie. Mugs of hot cocoa were on the coffee table, marshmallows floating on top.
I moved to the spot beside Silke.
She turned her look on me and examined my face. Her gaze lingered on mine for a long time before she dropped it. Then her arm hooked through mine and she rested her head on my shoulder.
The second we touched, I felt warm inside. The constraints around my heart loosened every single time. With her, I felt hope. With her, I actually believed I could start over. I could be happy.
“Have you seen this movie?” she whispered.
“No.”
“It’s good.”
Slade was laying on the other couch texting on his phone. His feet were propped up on the armrest. Her parents both snuggled into a recliner with a blanket over them. The lights from the Christmas tree twinkled in the corner.
I didn’t care about the movie. All I cared about was the moment. I knew I’d look back on this someday and cherish it. It was my first Christmas.
When it became late, Janice fell asleep on top of Ryan.
“My wife can never stay awake.” He chuckled then picked her up. “Night. We’ll see you in the morning.”
“Good night,” I said.
Slade ignored them and kept playing on his phone. When they were gone, he stood up and walked into his bedroom without saying a
word. Now it was just Silke and I on the couch.
“Ready for bed?” she asked.
“Yeah.”
She sat up and yawned. Then she turned off everything.
After we walked into her bedroom, she locked the door then undressed.
“Should we leave the door open?” I didn’t know the rules for this type of thing.
“No.” She pushed my jacket off my shoulders then yanked my shirt off.
“Maybe we should…”
She pulled my shirt over her head then ran her fingers through my hair. “No.”
“They’re cool with that?” I asked incredulously.
“I’m an adult.” She pulled the covers back and got inside. “They understand that.”
Her parents were the mellowest people I’d ever known. I eyed my bag then opened it.
“Come to bed,” she whispered.
I pulled out a package then got in beside her. “Merry Christmas.”
She eyed the red wrapping and gold bow. “You didn’t have to get me anything.”
“I know.” I waited for her to open it.
“Maybe I should do this in the morning.”
“It’s midnight,” I whispered. “Now just open it.”
She gave me a bright smile then ripped it open. When she pulled out the black leather jacket, her eyes were wide. “Oh my god…”
“Look at the back,” I whispered.
She turned it around and examined it. In gray letters just under the collar it read, “Beauty.” She stared at it for a long time, her eyes softening and her breathing increasing.
I watched her, hoping she loved it. “You can wear it when you ride around on the back of my bike. Now we match.”
She put it down and gave me a look full of emotion. Her eyes were bright like orbs, and a distant coat of moisture was noticeable. She took a deep breath then squeezed the material in her fingertips. “Arsen…”
“Do you like it?”
“Do I like it?” she scoffed. “No, I adore it.” She left it on the bed then wrapped her arms around my neck. “It’s perfect.” Her face was pressed into my chest and she squeezed me.
“I’m glad.” I rested my chin on her head.
“You’re so thoughtful.”
“Well, you’re my lady. I want everyone to know that.”