by Edwina Fort
“Are you sure you don’t want this fluffy gray one?” she asked, gesturing to the little button of joy that sat next to the baby tabby cat that looked as if it had been in a knife fight.
“Yeah, you sure we don’t want the gray one?” Tuck asked from where he had his big hands resting on his knees as he too leaned over to see inside the cage.
I shook my head. “Nope, we want that one.”
His frown grew. “Doc, that kitten look like it should be enrolling in your drug program. I don’t think it’s a good idea for two addicts to be living with each other. He looks like he’s going to try and introduce me to harder stuff than just herb.”
Laughing I hit his shoulder. Oh, my goodness! Tucker on weed was hilarious. “Stop being silly. There is nothing wrong with this little fella.”
The lady pulled him out of the cage and plopped him in my hands. Poor kitty really did look beat up. One of his little ears pointed down and the other pointed off towards the right. He had two different color eyes, a blue and a green one. And he had a patch of fur that stuck straight up on his head, giving him a little mohawk. But what made him so bad was he didn’t play and move around like the other kittens, he just sat in my hands staring at me. And I swear it looked as if he frowned.
“I love him!” I cried.
"Good, then you keep him," Tucker said, trying to walk away.
“Not so fast, Mr," I told him, grabbing his big hand and plopping the little booger down in it.
“Say hi to your new best friend. This little fella is going to be the beginning of your journey to tapping into your sensitive side, so that you can become a kinder individual, without marijuana.”
Tucker lifted his hand until he and the little kitty was eye to eye. I had to bite my bottom lip to keep from laughing. I’d never seen a kitten so serious. The little fella didn’t fidget or anything. He just sat on his hind legs in Tucker’s big palm, staring at him as if he was boring him.
Naphtali pointed at him. “I don’t want no trouble out of you.” And then the kitty opened his mouth and made a sound that was almost as ridiculous as his looks.
Tucker’s stunned gaze came to mine. “What the hell was that?”
“Yeah…so, that’s the way he meows,” the young lady said before she handed us the adoption papers.
After we left there, I went with Tucker to get supplies for his new friend. The whole time, I was in tears laughing at the two. We discovered something else about the kitty; he was a bit of a grouch. If we jarred his box too much, he let out one of his obscene meows. If we moved too fast or laughed too loud, he meowed.
I was curious to see how he and Tucker were going to get along when Naphtali’s high wore off and his mean self had settled back into place.
Tucker and his new grouchy little friend walked me to my car. “Don’t forget to give him a sensitive name. I want you to really show me that you’re capable of tapping into that side of you. And then bring him with you Tuesday and introduce him to the others…oh, and if you come high to one of the meetings, that's an automatic fail.”
He frowned. “I wasn’t aware we were being graded.”
“Of course you’re being graded, silly. I can’t have you being a bad influence on my other clients who are serious about their recovery.”
Chapter 5
True Nature
Naphtali
The very first moment I knew I could feel anything outside of anger and lust, was when I first laid eyes on Free. Her sisters had made sure to tell anyone who would listen that she was a charity case and from the poor side of the tracks.
At first, I didn’t give much thought to her, but then she walked through the door of my geometry class, clutching her books to her chest, biting on her bottom lip, and for the first time in my life, I felt my heart beating and blood rushing through my veins. I sat hypnotized as the teacher introduced her to the class. She was simply beautiful. No make-up or fancy hair, no sparkly long nails or any of the other things the girls at school spent their daddy’s money on. Her skin was the color of rich deep chocolate, smooth and clear…and I found myself wanting to touch it, to see if it was as soft as it looked.
But she gazed right past me and continued to do so no matter how much I put myself in her way. It was only in those times when I was in her space that I was allowed to feel something other than rage. And yeah, I forced her to look at me…I needed for her to see me.
I was desperate…
As a kid, I thought that anger was the only emotion I was able to experience. For the life of me, I was incapable of feeling anything else. I had parents, but I didn't know how to love them, and I doubted if they ever truly learned how to love me.
I can’t really remember the day I was adopted, my earliest memory was of my father telling me to make him proud. He made sure to remind me quite often that he and my mother could have left me at the agency and taken home a different kid. The more I achieved, the more he rewarded me with material things.
He and I got something of an understanding. I made sure he looked good as the mayor and he made sure my pockets stayed fat. Hell, that was good enough for me; who needed the kind of parents who loved you unconditionally when you had the kind of parents who paid you for being exceptional? I excelled at everything I did.
However, my mother was a different story entirely. Whereas my father was open about the fact that I was his trophy, investing in me because I made his household look good, my mother perfected the art of pretending that she really cared. And I’m not a complete dick, I appreciate her effort.
The truth is, I think she could sense what lives inside of me and it scares the hell out of her. But she wants to be a good mom, so she pretends that it doesn’t, although I know better.
I can’t say that I blame her though…
What lives inside of me scares the sh*t out of me too. It’s been there for as long as I can remember. I feel it pacing back and forth inside of my flesh like a caged animal, constantly looking for a way out.
The more I keep it inside, the angrier it becomes. And because I ain’t no b*tch, the angrier I become. My whole life has been battling it, trying to prove my dominance over it, but sometimes I fail. And during those times, people die.
I’m able to control it enough that we’ve never killed an innocent, but not enough to stop it from taking out anyone that it believes is a threat. It kills without hesitation, without a single thought of mercy. Its disregard for human life is unparalleled.
The first time I killed a man, I was ten years old. My dad and I were driving home from a pizza joint where my team had been celebrating a win. We stopped at a light on 67th street and a man slung open my door and pointed a gun at us, telling us to get out of the car.
When we got out, he took my dad’s suit, shoes, wallet, watch, and wedding ring, then he told him he was jacking his Benz. When he finally turned my way, that was the first time I could remember feeling the change coming over me.
“Take that chain off, lil nigga!” He sneered pointing his gun at my chest. My dad was standing there in only his underwear, the look he gave me was clear as day. He wanted me to f*ck this dude up.
“I ain’t giving you sh*t,” I told him, feeling dead inside.
In the moment, I hated my father. I hated him for telling the monster within me that it was okay for him to have me. I hated him for not doing sh*t and ending up standing there in nothing but his f*cking drawers. But most of all, I hated him for what he did afterward.
“What you say to me, lil nigga?” the man said before he took several steps toward me.
I don’t know where I learned to move like I did or how I became so fast, but one minute I was standing there and the next, his gun was in my hand and I was pulling the trigger, only to realize there were no bullets in the gun. But that didn’t stop the killer inside of me, he’d been awakened, and it wanted blood.
I took the pistol and hit him in the throat with it, crushing his Adam’s apple. And after that, things went black. When I ca
me to, I was standing over several dead bodies, their blood dripping from my hands. My father was balled up in a fetal position, looking at me as if I was a monster.
Apparently, the man hadn’t been alone, and when his boys saw what was happening to him, ran to his aid. I don’t remember killing any of them. When my dad saw that I was back, he stood from the ground with pride in his eyes. And then he said something that chilled my soul,
“You are by far my best investment. Me and you, son, we’re going all the way to the top!”
He told me not to worry about the dead bodies, he would make sure no one ever knew it was me. And it was that night that a precedent had been set.
He went on to cover up every killing done by my hand. He never said it was wrong, he never tried to get help for me. He never even tried to get me off the streets. He just put more money in my bank account while patting me on the back, letting the world know that I was his son, and he was so proud of my prowess.
But what he doesn’t know is if this thing inside of me could exist without me, it would kill me too…without hesitation, which is why it is and will always remain my biggest enemy. And as soon as I figure out how, I was ghosting the mutha f*cka…without hesitation.
Although I haven’t yet found what can kill it, for now, I managed to stumble across something that can cause it to chill the f*ck out.
Weed…
Smiling, I picked up the cigar to bust it open. Who the f*ck was I kidding? Gunja helped me to chill the f*ck out as well. It quieted the rage inside of me that had nothing to do with my other personality.
I guess you can say I got high for the both of us…
A hiss came from the cage across the room.
“Hiss all you want, devil cat; you’re not getting out of that cage,” I told the little demon seed as I rolled my blunt.
And before you mutha f*ckas get on me about jailing the little hellion, let me tell y’all something. That kitty is a bigger asshole than me and my other personality put together.
I brought the little bastard home and let him out of the cage, he looks around my pad as if he wasn’t impressed before copping a squat and taking a huge piss on my Armani rug. The first time I chalked it up as nervous jitters. So, I cleaned up his little spill and then set up his litter box like Free had shown me. The little bastard scratched around in the box before sauntering back over to my rug, squatting and taking a massive crap on it. The whole time he did it, he gave me a look that said, what the hell you gon’ do about it?
“You sh*t on my rug one more time and your ass is going in the cage for the rest of the night,” I told him, giving the little mutha f*cka fair warning. He must not have cared for me reprimanding him because he hissed at me before swatting at my feet with his claws.
I set up his food and water bowl. He took a few sips of the water, sniffed at the food and then turned and looked me dead in the eye before tipping it over on the floor, letting out one of those annoying ass meows.
“Man, if you didn’t like the food, all you had to do was say something,” I muttered as I cleaned up the third mess from this little dude within hours. I jumped in the shower and when I got out, it was to see him copping another squat over my rug. He waited until I walked out and made eye contact with him before letting go of another round of kitty poop.
“That’s it, you little sh*t!” I picked him up and put his little ass in the cage. Do y’all know he meowed all night? At one point, I had to turn up the TV to try and drown him out. When that didn’t work, I gave up and let his little ass out. He ran under my bed and hid for the rest of the night.
However, as soon as I walked out of my room this morning, it was to find his ass squatting over my rug, waiting to make eye contact and then letting go of another round of his little f*ck you donation. Let’s just say the little bastard has been in the cage ever since, and he ain’t coming out until it’s time to introduce his ass to the crackheads.
Now, I just needed to think of a name for his ass. And as I settled back on my couch to enjoy my morning med stick, I did just that. By the time it was time for me to head out for my meeting, I’d had no luck with coming up with anything suitable. When thinking of the little terror, the only names that kept coming to mind was asshole, dipstick, son-of-a-b*tch, lil mutha f*cka… But I’m sure none of those names will help get me close to my goal, which is winning over the doctor’s heart. So, by the time I pulled up to the clinic, I decided to just wing some sh*t.
I was already good and irritated because I was more sober than I liked to be. Thanks to Free’s little threat, I didn’t have my mid-evening smoke, which meant I was back to feeling the animal pacing back and forth inside of me.
“Hey, Nap! Wait up, we’ll walk in with you.”
Jackson!
Dammit! My irritation level just tripled. I turned around surprised to see him and Asher getting out of Asher’s truck. Neither of them was dressed in their uniforms, which meant this was a social call.
“What the hell are you assholes doing here?” I grumbled as I walked through the doors of the clinic.
“We were in the neighborhood and decided to drop by and support our boy. Bumped into the doctor yesterday and she told us about your weekly meetings and said we were welcome to come to support our best friend in his journey to recovery. What do you have there?” Jackson finally paused, looking down at the cage in my hand.
I stopped and glared at him. “Why, nosey mutha f*cka?! Why don’t the two of you get the f*ck out of my business and go home!”
Asher grinned, throwing his arm around my shoulder. “Why would we do that, buddy? We’re here for you.”
I opened my mouth to tell them to f*ck off, but my words died in my throat. The doctor, dressed in another one of those pinned up tweed suits that made me want to savage out and rip it off her body, stepped out of the meeting room and smiled at me. That was all it took to make my thoughts get muddled and shot to sh*t. Had she done that more often in high school, I would have been putty in her little hands.
“Hello, gentlemen, you’re just in time.” And that voice… It was soft and sweet. She had the kind of voice that could soothe a wild beast. I know, it’s always had that effect on the one that lived inside of me.
“Welcome, fellas,” she said to Jackson and Asher, shaking their hands. “It is so nice of you to come out and support your friend in his wellness journey. Please have a seat in any of the chairs off to the side. The inner circle of chairs is reserved for my clients.”
“Thank you so much for inviting us, Doc, I wouldn't miss this for the world," Jackson told her as he and Asher scurried into the room like two rats. Coming to a stop, I frowned down at her.
“Oh my… is somebody feeling a little grumpy?” She used the same voice someone would when talking to a naughty child. That sh*t only made me frown more.
“Why the hell did you invite those assholes? What kind of AA meeting allows outsiders in?”
She gently touched my arm and all the anger I felt seeped out of me like air in a balloon, not to mention the fact that she smelled edible; it was a mixture of vanilla and grapefruit.
Hmmmm…Grapefruit
“Okay, so first, this isn’t an AA meeting,” she spoke to me like I was slow. Maybe I was. That’s what the f*ck this woman did to me. She turned my mind to sh*t because when I was around her, all the blood left it and rushed to other parts of my body.
“And second, you’ll find that I don’t run my clinic like other doctors run theirs. My methods are a bit unconventional, a luxury I opted for when opening a private practice.” Her little hand moved to my chest and I damn near growled. I think the doctor liked touching my chest because she always found a reason to, even though sometimes I think she does it unconsciously.
“I’m going to need you to trust me, okay?”
Like a big ass lump on the f*cking log, I nodded. “Okay.”
Damn! This girl had me wrapped around her little f*cking fingers.
She smiled. “Okay, now go ahead and
take a seat in one of the available chairs in the center of the room. We’ll get started in just a moment.”
Placing the cage on the floor by my feet, I sat with my back to Jackson and Asher. I didn't want to look in their dumb ass faces while I was forced to go through this sh*t. Instead, I looked around at the other sappy suckers in the group and wasn’t surprised to see that they were all men. No doubt, they all put up with this sh*t for the same reason I was. Speaking of that reason, she came inside the room and shut the door behind her.
“Good evening, everyone. I hope that you guys have had a successful week in your war against the enemy.”
She sat in one of the chairs across the circle from me and crossed her legs and everything else faded to black as I zoned in on those thick thighs of hers. Damn! I couldn’t wait to taste her again. She’d given me her virginity on prom night and I’ve never forgotten the feel of her heat wrapped so tightly around me or her taste. I was a boy then and didn’t really know what to do with her. But now I’m a man with a man-size appetite and I couldn’t wait to get a hold of her ass.
I shifted in my seat adjusting myself. Sh*t, I was getting a f*cking erection just thinking about it. Only Free can cause me to get erect with just the thought of her.
“Tucker!” she said, bringing me out of my lusty thoughts.
“Hmmm…”
The sound of chuckling coming from behind me brought me all the way out of my thoughts. I sat up a bit in my chair and cleared my throat. “What was that? I didn’t hear you…”
She gave me one of those smiles that one would give a mentally incapable individual. “I asked you if you can stand and introduce yourself to the group.”
F*ck! How did I know she was going to say some sh*t like that? “Yeah, I was hoping to maybe sit this round out. You know, until I get comfortable with everyone.”
“How about we show you how it’s done. And then when we’re finished, you can give it a try. This is a safe place; nobody is going to judge you here.” She gestured to the guy that sat a couple of chairs to my right.