by Heather Long
I flicked my gaze to the door, and not for the first time, I wished someone would walk in. But no one would.
No one interrupted Uncle Bradley.
“My beautiful princess.”
Chapter 18
Emersyn
A part of me didn’t want to leave Kestrel after that discussion. I wanted to trust him, badly. Of all of them, he’d been the one I trusted before they took me. He’d also been the most distant since they had. But if anything, his attention had been consistent, and I couldn’t deny the want for that semblance of friendship back.
Even if it couldn’t mean to him what it meant to me. I wouldn’t lie, when he’d hugged me, I swore a huge weight lifted. The last few days had been a bit surreal. I was still a little horrified that Jasper had seen me and Vaughn together. Vaughn didn’t seem to care.
His exact words had been, “Jasper’s a big boy, Dove. He can handle it.”
“And if he can’t?” I’d challenged, because Vaughn hadn’t seen the look in Jasper’s eyes. The hurt.
“Then he’ll get over it eventually.” Vaughn had tried to soothe me and he’d been stroking his hands up and down my sides, but it didn’t seem to help the restlessness invading my soul. I needed Vaughn. I didn’t want to need him. I didn’t want to need any of them. The idea that they’d all been carving out a place for themselves under my skin left me a little uneasy and at the same time…exhilarated? Was that even the right word?
The next morning, Jasper had been gone and no one would tell me where he was. Freddie speculated a lot of things, but he was too lost in his misery to really focus and I didn’t want to make him feel worse. At least watching the cupcake shows turned out to be fun for him and a distraction.
When Jasper arrived this morning, profound relief had swarmed through me, followed quickly by concern. He looked just awful. Kestrel couldn’t quite cover his concern fast enough, which confirmed for me I was right to be worried.
Not saying a word, Jasper led me out of the clubhouse into the main warehouse. There was no one around. In fact, there’d been almost no rats around anytime I’d stepped out since Rome ordered them out. Had they taken that to mean permanently? I both did and didn’t want to ask.
In the corner of the warehouse was a ladder tucked neatly against the wall. It kind of blended into the shadows. Well, it was too obvious for my escape, but… I glanced over to where the hooks and chains secured my silks and where I’d climbed to before.
“I know you’re not afraid of heights, so I’m going up first,” Jasper said. “That way I can open the hatch.”
I nodded. More than reasonable.
Five minutes later and after I’d climbed up behind him, we were standing on the roof. The sun was damn near blinding, and the air cold and fresh. It was definitely chilly, but when Jasper said where we were going, I’d snagged one of the hoodies off the sofas as we passed it.
Tucking my hands into my pockets, I gave it a faint sniff and smiled. Rome’s. It was weird that they all possessed distinctive and different scents. Or maybe not weird. I didn’t know.
Not saying anything, Jasper headed up the roof, and I followed him. He balanced against the slats, following where the support beams had to be beneath, and just over the lip of the top was a small table and a couple of lounge chairs. Well, more like seven, but only six were useable. One had been ripped and the fabric looked rough and worn.
Even more fascinating? The chairs and the table were bolted to the roof itself. The wind wouldn’t move them or the bad weather.
“This is the best spot in winter,” Jasper said as he motioned to the lounge chairs. “The morning sun warms up the roof and that warms up the chairs…”
A fact I confirmed as I slid into one of them. I turned sideways, mostly so I could just look at him, and also because wow, the chair was a lot warmer than I’d expected. It sent the heat right through my leggings.
Perched on the lounger next to mine, Jasper pulled a pack of cigarettes and a blunt out of his pockets. He held them both up, and I eyed the blunt. I’d planned to dance. If I got stoned, that wouldn’t be happening.
If I got stoned, it would take the edge off a lot of things. I’d always avoided drugs before…when given the option. I’d kill for a cigarette, but I nodded to the blunt.
They kept saying I was safe here, and so far, none of that had proved a lie. The guys were all… They were tough and they were fierce, and fuck, in some ways, they scared the hell out of me. But the desire to trust them burned ever brighter.
Maybe I was just asking for trouble.
Or maybe I had long since learned there was always a bigger fish.
“Thank fuck,” Jasper muttered before stuffing the cigarette pack back in his pocket and lighting up the blunt. He took a long draw on it before he passed it over. The smell of weed encircled us, the scent invading everything and permeating clothing. For the first time in my life, I didn’t give two fucks if it did. No one here would say anything.
I took in a lungful and closed my eyes, holding the breath in for a long moment before letting it out. “Should I make sure I clean up before I see Freddie?” I didn’t want to mess with his recovery. His mood swings were unpredictable enough.
“He won’t care,” Jasper commented as I handed him the blunt. “Or at least that’s what he’ll say, but yeah, probably better for a while. Weed won’t hurt him and might take the edge off a bit. But it’s when he goes looking for the harder stuff that we have a problem.”
I nodded. That seemed fair. Still, we just sat there passing the blunt back and forth and saying nothing. The world softened a little. Some of the harsher edges weren’t so jagged. Weirdly, the constant pressure in my chest had also evaporated. Maybe that was what he was waiting for…
With my next long drag, I closed my eyes again. The sounds of traffic in the distance muted. The sun against my skin seemed even warmer, and the fact Jasper sat there in silence nibbled at me.
“You wanted to talk,” I said finally when I couldn’t take the silence anymore. I’d been determined to wait him out, but the other night and the look on his face still haunted me. Dragging my eyes open, I focused on him.
A faint smile turned up Jasper’s lips. “I did…but this is nice and I don’t want to spoil it.”
Laughter burst out of me because…well, he wasn’t wrong. “This is nice,” I admitted as he stared at me for a moment before offering me the blunt again. Our fingers brushed, and for a moment, he didn’t pull away as we both held the blunt, together. “I was worried.”
His brows drew together. “Why?”
“Because you looked…mad or upset or both the other night, then you just disappeared. Everyone told me to leave you alone, that you would be back, but…”
His slate-gray eyes seemed to shutter, and the atmosphere seemed a bit darker despite the sun still shining down on us. “Because I walked in and found you fucking Vaughn.”
No trace of emotion punctuated that sentence. If anything, the monotone voice ignited another round of warning bells. That and the icy expression on his face. He blew so hot, his temper a vicious and vibrant thing. But this?
This wasn’t Jasper. Or maybe it was. Maybe I’d not seen the real Jasper until now, but I didn’t think so.
No? asked a snide little voice. You don’t think so, or you don’t want to think so?
I shoved that voice to the back of my head with another drag on the blunt before I nodded.
The lift of his shoulders dragged a little, like he couldn’t quite bring himself to shrug. “You fucking Vaughn wasn’t the issue, Emersyn.”
“Then what was?”
He locked his gaze on me. “Vaughn fucking you was the issue. That’s something he and I need to deal with, but later.”
I opened my mouth, but this time when my fingers touched his, Jasper took the blunt with his other hand before locking the fingers against mine.
“I am a possessive man,” he said, and I clamped my jaw shut. “I’m also a raging asshole
at people who fuck up. There’s been a lot of fuckups around you. But you haven’t been the one to fuck up and I…I don’t know why you think I was mad at you.”
Surprise filtered through me. “When did you hear I thought that?”
“I’m not blind, Swan. You held yourself aloof. You are more open with the others. You slept with Rome. You’re hugging Kellan. Apparently, you’re fucking Vaughn, and you’re looking after Freddie. He can’t shut the fuck up about you and your pretty pussy.”
My lips pursed as I fought back a laugh. “That last is not my fault.”
“No,” Jasper admitted with a long sigh. “That’s all Freddie, irreverent little fuck. But the point is…you even trust Doc to help you while you’re naked.”
He was a doctor, and he’d been really careful to only touch me when absolutely necessary…
“My point, Swan, is you seem to be building something with everyone around you, but you’re keeping me at arm’s length. You kissed me back, I know you did. I tasted it, and then you shut me out.”
Wait. I shook my head. Okay, maybe I was more stoned than I thought already. Totally a possibility, so I used the grip he had on my hand to pull me forward so I could sit up. This was better done face-to-face, and apparently, kneecap to kneecap.
An utterly inappropriate giggle burst out of me. I clapped a hand over my mouth, and Jasper squinted at me.
“It’s not funny.”
Bullshit.
“No,” I muttered behind my hand. “It’s fucking hilarious.”
Surprise raced over Jasper’s expression, and he snorted. “Well, I’m glad I’m a joke to you.” The sourness of his tone jolted me right out of my humor, and I squeezed his hand.
“You’re not a joke,” I argued. “And what was funny was that you kissed me and then looked so damn angry for having done it and walked out. I didn’t see you for days after that.”
His brows drew together tighter. “We had to find Freddie.”
“I’m aware of that now.” I ran my tongue over my lips and suddenly regretted my choices in life. Because I needed some water, bad. When Jasper offered me the blunt this time, I shook my head. “I need to get my thoughts together.”
“I feel that,” he admitted, then let go of me long enough to clip off what little was left of the blunt and set it in the ashtray before looking back at me. “I wasn’t mad at you.”
“Then why did you glare at me?”
“I don’t know… Probably because someone knocked on the door and interrupted us. Probably because I wanted to throw you down on that wood floor in there and strip you naked as we went to pound town. Probably because Raptor is gonna have my balls for garters when this is all done. But mostly, I think because I had to leave you.”
“Pound town is a very attractive description for sex. Or at least I’m hoping it’s for sex and not for technique.” Right now, the blunt was the best idea ever, because apparently, it took the edges off both of us.
Jasper snorted. A genuine, loud snort, and then he shook his head. “Trust me, I can do more than pound. I don’t need a dick piercing to get my partners off.”
My jaw dropped a little. “That’s rude.”
“Depends,” Jasper commented. “If the piercing is why you decided to fuck him, then yeah. If not…eh, Vaughn’s a big boy, he can take it. Besides, piercing your dick is for masochists.”
It was my turn to snort. “I can’t believe we’re having this conversation. This is not what I thought we were going to talk about.”
“No?”
“No.”
“Then what did you think we were going to talk about, Swan?” The sudden intensity in his eyes told me that the shutters he’d closed earlier were wide open now, and I swallowed, not that I could even manage to form spit at the moment.
“Sending me back,” I said slowly. “Or why you brought me here. The threats. Kestrel said…he said he thought there were other threats besides…you know, besides Eric.”
“Did he rape you?” The sudden question jolted me, and I frowned. “He said he did. He admitted it. He was abusing you.”
“Then why are you asking me?”
“Because I need to know why you let him keep doing it, Swan. Why didn’t you say something? Why didn’t you stop him?”
“Because saying something doesn’t always fix things, Jasper.” Not that anyone around me would have done anything. Except my uncle. And I’d drag myself over broken glass before I’d ask him for help with anything. “Sometimes, what you have is better than the alternative. Even if someone else thinks it’s awful.”
He pinched the bridge of his nose, and I swore I could almost read the complicated parade of emotion. From fury to pain to confusion and back again. All I hoped was he wouldn’t ask me to explain.
Some things? Some things I would never talk about.
“I need more than that, Swan,” he finally said, and I shook my head.
“You killed him. Eric’s gone, right?” I pulled my hand from his so I could fold my arms. “It doesn’t matter anymore.”
“Yes, it fucking matters.” He clenched his fists, and a vein throbbed in his forehead. So many unspoken thoughts fluttered through his eyes as he glared at me. There it was. It was almost the same glare he wore that day in the studio.
Angry with me, but not angry with me.
“What do you want from me, Jasper?” I asked the question in as even a tone as possible. “What do you need from me?”
I had a feeling it was two entirely different answers, and if I couldn’t figure it out, I needed him to tell me. Or we were going to keep cutting at each other for no reason.
Or maybe he was just working his way up to getting rid of me. Considering the way they’d started to fight the other night…
“You said you’ve been caged and shackled your whole life,” he repeated my declaration slowly. “You know if we’d known…”
“Apparently,” I said with a shrug. “While I think that’s a nice thought…I have to wonder why you would have known?”
He opened his mouth and then snapped it shut with a look of aggravation. The silence between us elongated, growing stiffer and more uncomfortable with each passing second, despite the haze of being stoned. Maybe we should have stopped way sooner than we had.
“What do you want?” he asked quietly, and I glared at him.
“I asked you first.”
“I know,” he said. “What I want…it doesn’t matter right now. I need to know what you want first. Do you want to go back? Like I said in the kitchen, we’re going to give you your things. Including your phone. It’s been powered off since we got it, and Kestrel pulled the sim card.”
I nodded. “I suppose you guys were very good for not-kidnappers.”
He snorted. “Do you want to go home?”
Ice flowed into my veins. Arms still folded, I shook my head. “I was leaving the company at the end of the tour. My contract was up. The tour ended a few weeks ago, so it wouldn’t matter anyway.”
“I meant go home to your family.” He studied me for a long moment.
“I know what you meant.” My answer didn’t change. “My ID would be great, so would my bank cards.” I wouldn’t touch the credit cards, but I had one small bank account I’d squirreled funds away in, one not attached to the family accounts. Those I couldn’t touch. Uncle Bradley would know where I was in minutes, if not seconds.
“Okay, if you stay, I want to take you out. You and me. On a date.”
I raised my brows. “That’s your way of asking?”
“You kissed me back.” Apparently, that was his way of answering.
I pursed my lips. “I want to see Doc.”
He snarled, his nostrils twitching.
“And I want you to stop fighting and attacking every single one of the guys for even looking in my direction. They’ve been looking after me too, and some of them have even become my friends.” Admittedly, Vaughn was more.
“Friends.” I swore Jasper spit the word.
“Yes, Jasper, friends. It can happen.” I glared at him. “You can’t keep going for people because they care, especially when these guys are your friends too.”
“Doc is not my friend,” he insisted, and I shrugged.
“Okay, but he is mine.”
Jasper clenched his fists again, then forced them to relax before he dragged out the cigarettes. “Fine. He’s your friend. He can see you here.”
“At his clinic.”
“No,” Jasper snapped. “Not right now. Not while…”
“But it’s safe enough to take me out on a date?”
“You’d be with me.” Like that cleared everything right up.
“You said downstairs you didn’t want me to think you were a total asshole, even when you were an asshole.”
“I know what I said.”
“Then stop being an asshole about Doc when he clearly cares about all of you.” Did he not understand how amazing it was that they all had each other? That there were people willing to come out swinging for them? I sighed. “I want—I need to get out of this place. I know it’s not necessarily safe to be out in public, but Doc has a clinic, right? I can hang out upstairs in the community room or in his office. No one else has to see me, and I can spend some time with him. I like him…”
Jasper’s eyes narrowed on me thoughtfully.
“And I need you and Vaughn to get along. Like I said—stop hitting everyone. I still don’t even know why you and Liam were fighting the other night.”
“It’s not important.” He rubbed his lower lip. “So I stop knocking the shit out of the punks hitting on you and trying to get you naked, and you’ll go out on a date with me?”
One would have thought he’d eaten a Sour Patch Kid or something.
“More or less.”
He grimaced. “I’m perfectly capable of not being an asshole, but which is it? More or less?”
“I’m not asking for a miracle, but more with the guys here and Doc.”
His upper lip curled. “You including the rats in that?”
I blinked. “Um…no?”
He nodded slowly. “Fine, okay.” Rising, he held out his hand, and I stared up at him. “Let’s go,” he said. “I’ll take you to Doc’s.”