by Kay Mares
Lizzy finds the peace she sought after leafing through her recollections of their wedding and their honeymoon. In one way, all the memories bring a greater longing for him, but in another way, it soothes her to know the steadfastness of this spectacular man she married. Another reason for an improved sleep is that as Lizzy meandered about their quarters, she noted some of his robes and shirts laid out for her with a note pinned to them. He observed she sometimes borrowed his clothing to wrap up in when he is not able to be with her, so he made sure she would have some of his things for her own use. Lizzy sleeps a bit more soundly that night but not as well as if her Fitzwilliam was there.
Chapter 28
Lizzy is again in Darcy’s study. Her journals are returned to the shelf next to his, and as she eyes his books, she wonders not for the first time why a private man such as him leaves his journals out on a bookshelf unsecured. He told her that no one would dare to invade his privacy and read his words, so he is confident having them on display. They are beautiful books, leather bound and gold edged. They are of differing colors, green, brown, a deep burgundy and a royal blue. Lizzy pictures them as they were days into their marriage as Darcy pulled some of the volumes out to share with her his musings written long ago.
As Lizzy’s gaze slides over his books again, she recalls him giving her his permission to read them whenever she has the urge. He jested that his swollen ego assured him that no matter what she found in the pages, his Lizzy is swept away by his myriad of charms and would not be swayed by anything contained therein. He took her in his lap, kissed her soundly then as he announced he had to see to a matter in the stables, he strutted out of the room. As the memory fades, Lizzy almost feels his arms about her, and she decides to peruse his writings. She hesitantly removes a volume.
In this one, she finds the incident about the contentious filly. She laughs anew at the antics between Darcy and Henry especially when she reads the line; Henry Fitzwilliam is obnoxious. This book also recounts the puddle affair in the foyer and the story he told of him and his mother finding the scandalous writings of Erasmus Darwin. The last entry in this volume is of the death of his mother shortly after Georgiana’s birth.
I worry so for Mother, and I see the same worry on Father’s face. He is grave and silent. I do not know what comfort I may offer him. Mother called me to her bedside, and she took my hand in hers. Her hands felt so cold and frail. What has become of my mother? As she held my hand, she looked into my eyes, and I could not remove mine from hers. She spoke of my future when I would be out in Society and the expectations which would follow because of my birthright. She had spoken to me many times before of her and Father’s noble lines, so I was puzzled as to why she sought to talk about it now when she seemed so tired and weak. I listened intently for it seemed she felt as if she had to say her peace. I shall never forget when the small spark of fire came to her eyes as she told me of her worry over my overlying seriousness, then she reminded me of all the levity she and I shared stating it did not diminish our standing nor our dignity. After that, her grip became tighter, and she charged me with one last request, “Fitzwilliam above all, find your happiness.” Shortly after this conversation, my mother was no more.
Elizabeth weeps for the boy Darcy was and the grief he has suffered. She wrote to her own parents frequently and looked forward to their responses especially those from her father. She can hardly fathom the thought of growing up without one of her parents, and she is cognizant of the tender care Darcy gave to his sister who never knew her mother. The tears threaten once more as she reads his entries about the loss of his Grandfather Darcy. Fitzwilliam was about fourteen years of age when the gentleman passed. It was from Grandfather Darcy that Fitzwilliam gained his horsemanship and passion for the animals. The last heartbreaking entry Darcy wrote of was the death of his first horse, a Shetland pony, who was a gift from Darcy’s grandfather. Young Darcy named the pony Sheldon, and he had written about how the loss of the pony seemed to have broken the final connection he had to his beloved grandfather.
She thumbs through the next copy, and she delights once more in some of the situations Darcy had orchestrated. He wrote of meeting both Jonesy and Bingley at Cambridge along with the plight of the unfortunate Oxford lad. He only made small entries regarding Wickham and his poor behavior at Cambridge. Darcy noted how Wickham berated him for not partaking of the pleasures to be found amongst certain ladies. His joy at returning to Pemberley is obvious as he settled into helping his father run the estate and his rapid learning of what it took to be a fair and just Master. His passion for the horses is stated, with some accounts of rides with Georgiana over the meadows and through the forests. Then tragedy struck again, his father died without any warning, and he was now the Master of Pemberley and Georgiana’s whole world.
I can hardly know what to write. My dear revered father collapsed in the hall, and as soon as he was removed to his chambers, it was painfully clear he expired. I never had the chance to tell him goodbye nor to thank him for all the wise counsel he gave me over the years. I have no family now only a grieving sister who needs me to be the example and needs me to be strong. I cannot do this, yet I must. All who rely on Pemberley are now my responsibility. I thought I had time to ease into this role; that my beloved father would be here to guide me. I miss him already as I miss my mother. But I am a Darcy, and as such, we have always met any challenges with fortitude and courage. I will honor my father’s memory by making Pemberley stronger than before and I hope he will know somehow his faith in me was not unfounded. I must put my grief and sorrow aside and show no weakness. Father told me many would prey upon one who they felt was weak or had a poor understanding. Those who would seek to raise themselves at my expense will find themselves sorely in error. I have to carry on the legacy my family left me. If Pemberley survives, then they survive. I will not fail them.
Elizabeth sees in his words how he determined that the rest of the world would not know him. He would present an unflappable and confident exterior which would protect not only his family and estate but protect him, his feelings and hide his shyness. Further reading yields various business ventures and their successes. His growing partnership with Jonesy and their many deals which cemented Darcy’s reputation as an intelligent and astute leader are all chronicled. He wrote of how he had perfected the stare and glower which kept many off-kilter and how interestingly that attitude made him more powerful and respected. No one wished to cross him, and many wanted to align with the competent and wise Master of Pemberley. In a certain social gathering, Darcy wrote of a partner in the shipping lines who questioned why the elder Mr. Darcy kept his son’s talents so well hidden. Darcy expressed his pleasure in his journal over his success in a man’s world.
The next logs showed his disgust with the ton and highlighted some of the machinations therein. This one entry startles Lizzy, and she is glad for his haughty manner. I was forced to attend yet another ball, Darcy of Pemberley and all that, so without any enthusiasm, I made ready to go. I comprehend the importance of these gatherings to further one’s position, but as I will only admit between these pages, I am shy especially around the ladies. Fortunately or perhaps, unfortunately, Henry and Jonesy would be attending as well. Perhaps I should have adopted Jonesy’s easy manner which leads most mothers to think of him as a less than suitable match for their daughters, wealth notwithstanding. However, I abhor deception of any kind which makes the following even more repulsive. Elizabeth saw his folly in calling out Jonesy’s supposed deception when she knew his own aloof manner was a deception in itself, as she shook her head, she eagerly read on to see what had distressed him so. Miss Mary Milsom was present, and she as always showed me much attention. Miss Milsom is a fetching lady but not one I could entertain as Mistress of Pemberley. This night though there seemed to be a greater focus of attack, for that is the best way to describe it, from not only Miss Milsom but from her mother and aunt as well. I could not fathom why my usual cool demeanor had not stopped the he
ightened placating and pandering. My irritation became real, and I withdrew to the nearby windows ostensibly to admire the view.
Elizabeth pictures the familiar stance Darcy takes near a window or off to the side of the room if he finds the company lacking. My retreat had the desired effect, and I watched with amusement as the threesome plied their charms on Jonesy. Jonesy as always was welcoming but so noncommittal that the ladies Milsom soon moved on. Henry asked me what I thought of Miss Milsom’s more forward manner, and I bluntly told him I did not care to ponder it. Later that evening it seemed as if her ploy bore fruit for I saw her clinging to the arm of Mr. George Clark. I know him little, but he has a fine enough estate just north of London and a good reputation. I thought perhaps he found some satisfaction with Miss Milsom and thought no more of it until some weeks later when I heard of their marriage. It seems Miss Milsom was about three months along on her way to become a mother, so her family sought a hasty marriage to cover that unfortunate fact up. Mr. Clark, I heard, is outraged but feels he can do little about his plight and has decided to accept his fate. The former Miss Milsom’s actions have greater clarity, and I can only hope the babe is a girl, so Mr. Clark’s family estate does not pass on to another man’s blowby. Again my reserve has proved my advantage.
Darcy’s use of a somewhat crass word to describe the unborn babe illustrated his contempt. Other revelations follow including both married women and single women who offered Darcy temptations. He wrote of the false solicitude of mothers and daughters who sought the connection to Pemberley and its wealth. He almost gleefully recounted overhearing one matron steer her flirty giggling daughter away from the cold, callous Mr. Darcy. With each recollection, Elizabeth reads she can see how the cold, bitter loneliness engulfed Darcy as the gentle man she knows now became buried.
“Oh Fitzwilliam,” Elizabeth softly calls as her fingers graze over his fine script. “Do you realize how you lost yourself, what a price you paid for everyone else’s future?” Elizabeth continues to pour over his journals. Even with his arrogance towards others, she sees glimpses of the man she adores come through in some entries. He planned ahead of time to arrive at the ball where he filled in Henry’s name on the dance card of the lady Colin wished to court. His skill in timing out his arrival as well as Henry’s while ensuring Henry would have no time to correct the deed bordered on military genius. He sent Henry on various missions and plied him with enough vapid gossip, so Henry’s defenses were relaxed. His narrative of Henry’s revenge at the other gathering was witty and diverting. He gloried in the tale which began to follow him regarding his dislike of dancing. He had also written about how he employed the servants’ passageways to avoid interacting with others. He especially did so when visiting Rosings to avoid his Aunt Catherine. One short sentence made her laugh out loud because it did not fit into the timeline, it was an afterthought. Mrs. Clark birthed a girl. No more is said on that topic.
Another journal contains Georgiana’s almost ruination. Never did he condemn his sister for falling prey to the manipulative Wickham. Darcy reserved his wrath for that dastard. Earlier Lizzy read the account of Wickham’s refusal of the living and the payout Darcy gave him as Wickham gave up all claims to the living. Darcy did not write any more of Wickham until he intruded upon the siblings again. Darcy’s rage at Wickham flowed onto the pages, and Elizabeth is certain he did so to prevent Georgiana from knowing of his anger. After he had vented his spleen, his writings are of Georgiana and what he had done to assure her of his love and to wipe away her shame. He hoped he was supportive enough but acknowledged the difficulty for a brother so much older to give comfort to a sister who lacked any female guidance at this difficult time. His profound sorrow and guilt, believing he failed Georgiana is naked to see in his recollections. He felt as if he failed his revered parents. As he chronicled the attack on his person, he wrote of how Wickham resented both his birthright and Darcy’s but even more surprising is Wickham seemed to be more perturbed with Darcy regarding Darcy’s humor. In response, Wickham honed his own charisma and charm especially in social situations whereas Darcy became withdrawn and aloof due to his own shyness.
As they both aged, Wickham began to charm and then ruin young ladies while Darcy further withdrew and was disgusted by Wickham’s behavior. Darcy also wrote he knew Wickham thought his debauching of the ladies meant he was superior to Darcy and he relished what he mistakenly believed was a flaw with Darcy. As the two grew further apart, Darcy had written about Wickham’s taunts including accusing Darcy of not being manly because he would not indulge in the same type of behavior. However, Darcy’s thoughts on the pages revealed that he felt Wickham to be becoming more spiteful towards him and he would bear watching. The taunts evolved into Wickham using every chance to belittle Darcy in some manner then later they turned more serious as Wickham started to cast aspersions on Darcy’s character. After the death of Darcy’s father and Darcy’s subsequent refusal of the living, Wickham’s attacks became more frequent and vicious based on the lies and falsehoods he spread about Darcy.
Lizzy is not aware of the passage of time as she continues. A maid inquires of Lizzy if she will be readying herself for supper. Lizzy orders a tray to be brought to the study and jots down a quick note to Georgiana explaining her absence from the meal. Elizabeth has confidence Georgiana will understand especially given their conversation the other day. The time between the entry of Wickham’s deception and Bingley’s arrival at Netherfield is filled mostly with his observations of Georgiana’s state of mind. He mentions his gratitude for Henry’s visit for it uplifted Georgiana making for a welcomed diversion. Then he wrote of Wickham’s unexpected arrival at Pemberley. Wickham still thought to ask Darcy to make his fortune for him, and as Darcy relayed to Elizabeth, the exchange became heated quickly. Elizabeth reads with horror Darcy’s description of the attack.
I knew the depravity Wickham was capable of, but I did not comprehend his using a weapon on my person. As I came from behind the desk, gauging the distance and what damage I could inflict with a well-aimed punch, I barely registered the flash of his hand. Without conscious thought, I placed my hand over the burning sensation in my side only to become aware of the blood seeping between my fingers. Wickham seemed startled by his rash actions and hastily quit the room and rode off I was informed later. Mrs. Reynolds and a footman rushed to my side and urged me to sit down. Once I was assured of my sister’s safety and Wickham’s departure, I allowed Mrs. Reynolds to attend my wound. The staff was sworn to secrecy because I feared what this would do to Georgiana’s wellbeing. Her confidence has been shattered by Wickham before, and I was afraid hearing of his continued evil would be too much grief for her to bear. She would take the blame for this incidence on herself, and I will not allow that. Any talk of Wickham’s ill visit from the staff will result in immediate dismissal. Mrs. Reynolds, being more intimately acquainted with Wickham’s history, asked me if I should consider legal recourse. I made her to know my opinion was that to do so would risk Pemberley’s reputation along with my own and Georgiana’s. Thankfully she accepted my wishes without further explanation. Had I not removed my jacket and waistcoat, I have to wonder that perhaps my wound would have been less. The ruined shirt was burned, and Georgiana remains blissfully unaware. However, Wickham will be monitored, and I have hired some to do just that. The expense is worth the effort to assure my sister’s safety, and regarding my own person, I will not wait for Wickham to make the first move next time. Is there no end to the misery this man will inflict upon us? I can trust no one.
His next entry is of accompanying Bingley to Netherfield to assess the estate Bingley had let. Darcy’s annoyance shows in his text and Elizabeth does a quick calculation in her mind between this entry and the prior one. She is shocked to discover a short length of time expired between Wickham’s attack and Bingley’s acceptance of Netherfield. No wonder Darcy was out of sorts. His sister narrowly escaped ruination, betrayed by someone whom she had grown up with and Darcy considered
a friend. That event had only been months before, then Wickham injured Darcy a few weeks before he came to Meryton. “I am in no humor at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men.” Lizzy had been indignant at his slur of her person, but as she recalls what he said, she recognizes the bitterness which consumed him and the distrust of those who he came in contact with. Furthermore, when Lizzy thinks about the comment now, she comes to know his foul humor was probably no more than him being cranky. He must have been in some discomfort still. “Fitzwilliam, had you only known to trust me with a little of your angst, we could have been spared so much distress later.” Elizabeth shakes her head as she sips a spoonful of tepid soup. She begins to read about his stay at Netherfield.
Netherfield is an acceptable enough manor, but Bingley really should have waited before making an offer. That is the way of my friend. He flits about in his desires and does not know any conviction in his own opinions. So now I will assist him where I am able while attempting to find some contentment here in the country. Elizabeth is impressed by how Darcy recounts many of their conversations and how he admits only between these pages his attraction to Elizabeth. She is enamored over his description of her fine eyes and her light and pleasing figure. Elizabeth gasps when she reads that Darcy planned at times to engage her in conversation and how he tried to put himself in her vicinity. It is not dissimilar to some of his plots to foil Henry in some manner or other.
It is painful for Elizabeth to read of Darcy’s objection to her family but he did not elaborate in detail which makes it a little easier to bear. After he helped to separate Jane from Bingley and kept her presence in London from Bingley, Darcy wrote of his dissatisfaction of partaking in duplicitous behavior which he owns to be beneath him. The next sentences stagger Elizabeth. If I admit my perfidy to Bingley and he claims Miss Bennet as his own, could I be in the presence of the most intriguing and beautiful woman of my acquaintance and not call Miss Elizabeth my own? How could I remain friends with Bingley especially if Miss Elizabeth joined with another? His answer to his own questions had been to do nothing, not only leaving Bingley and Jane in misery but compounding his own.