by DW Cee
She tried to defend herself again. “I’m not giving him another chance. I don’t want to marry him!” This time she was angry and adamant.
“Then why didn’t you tell him that?” I was even more incensed.
Deflated, she answered, “I don’t know…but I will…I will as soon as I see him.”
Emily then tried to talk to me and tell me how she loved me. The only words I could hear in my mind at this time were Emily saying no to me and yes to Max. After all I had done for her, after the abundant love I had given her, it ended with her choosing her past boyfriend of four years over me. I decided to walk away before I uttered something I might really regret.
Emily’s cries echoed in the background as I walked into the crowd. With no more desire left to try persuading her to love me and me only, I drove the car back home. I figured she’d prefer to catch a ride with Max and her friends.
Everywhere I turned I saw bleakness. A life without Emily was not in my plans. I pictured us getting engaged at the Eiffel Tower in February and being married by the end of summer. We’d take a long passionate honeymoon on some island and spend time in those island huts she’d put on her bucket list. Rather than teaching, she could take cooking classes and enjoy the time till our first child was born. I imagined the joy of a first great-grandchild in the Reid family. He or she would be spoiled by every aunt, uncle, and cousin, not to mention the immediate grandparents. We would host Sunday barbeques. We’d raise the kids, retire, and love each other till we died. Emily, how could you not want this future for us?
Angry as I was I felt guilty walking out on Emily. I knew she was hurt, and I knew she’d be crying. I hoped Sarah would take care of her. Where would we go from here?
Next morning was New Year’s Day, and I woke up to the sound of my phone.
Happy New Year, Jake. I’m alone in Texas right now visiting my parents. My parents would have liked meeting you. You three would’ve gotten along well. I thought this new year would bring us closer together. I guess I botched up my own hope. My new hope is that you find it in your heart to forgive me. I’m so sorry for hurting you. I would like to share with you what’s in my heart right now. Please call me.
I was too angry to call yet heartbroken envisioning my girlfriend alone on New Year’s Day. How lonely she must feel right now, by herself. I wanted to fly out and be with her and meet her parents. She sounded penitent in her text but I still couldn’t rid my mind of Max, down on his knee, proposing. I decided to ignore her text and go to work.
To my annoyance, Jane came out of her room at the same time.
“Hey. Are you off to pick up Emily?”
I didn’t answer her.
“Jake. What’s the matter?”
“Jane, can you leave me alone?” my voice asked while my mind begged.
“Jake! What happened? Never mind. I’m going to call Emily to find out.”
I stood next to Jane hoping to hear how Emily was doing.
“Hi, Emily,” Jane said cheerfully. “It’s me, Jane. Where are you? Aren’t you going to the chief’s tailgate party? Everyone will be asking for you.”
Jane was silent for a while then she looked at me.
“Yeah, I talked to him but he wouldn’t say much. He’s such a grouch and a loner when things don’t go his way. He’s a bit moody right now.” Relieved she was asking about me I wanted to rip the phone out of Jane’s hands to make sure Emily was well. “OK. See you later.”
Jane walked away from me, and I had to pull her back for an explanation.
“What did she say? How is she doing?”
“She’s in Texas visiting her parents. Shouldn’t you be with her right now? Her voice was hoarse like she’d been crying…a lot. Whatever happened between you two, let it go. Don’t be your immature self. Call her and talk to her.”
Jane made perfect sense, but I ignored her comment and walked down the hallway.
“Jake! It’s New Year’s Day and Emily’s by herself. She has no family. Imagine how sad she’ll be visiting her parents alone. You can be such a jerk sometimes. Let go of that stupid pride. Call her. Do you want me to call her for you?”
More than anything I wished Jane would take the initiative and force me to speak with Emily. This would be the only way my pride would allow Emily back into my life at this moment. Of course, Jane had no idea of what I desired, and I surely couldn’t explain it to her.
“Jake, let me tell you something. Back in San Francisco and the other night on the plane, Emily confessed to me how much she loved you and how her feelings for you frightened her. She thought you were too perfect in her imperfect world. I tried to convince her that she was being needlessly paranoid, but deep inside I don’t think she ever let go of the idea that you would walk away from her one day.”
My heart ripped into even smaller pieces. I, a grown man, wanted to cry.
“You’ve now validated her fears. Don’t you know how lonely Emily has been for so long? She might look and sound cheerful on the outside, but on the inside she’s like a timid child at a new school—looking for a friend to sit with, to have lunch with, to be friends with. You were her best friend, and I don’t know what went wrong, but she’s crushed right now. Talk to her…”
Like a fool, I walked away.
Today was a day I would have begged for more work. Everyone’s heart seemed to be well except mine. Eight hours of misery later I walked out of the hospital contemplating where I should go. My car drove itself to Emily’s house. Parked outside her home, I thought about what I would do when she got home. Would I forgive her and continue with this relationship? Did she want to be forgiven? Perhaps she wouldn’t want to continue our relationship.
I couldn’t help recounting all the times I told her I loved her and showed her my heart. She had never fully reciprocated. But…there was Christmas night when she attempted to reciprocate. A myriad of conflicting thoughts filled my mind. Did she love me? Did she not? There was one conclusion that arrested all other thoughts—she turned down my proposal but was considering Max’s. Once this entered my mind, I drove the car back home.
There was another text waiting for me when I got home. Apparently I hadn’t taken my phone to work.
Hi, Jake. I’m at the airport coming home after visiting my parents. I’d hoped that you might have called by now—but you haven’t. I know I messed up our relationship but I’d really like to try to work it out with you. Please forgive me. I can’t imagine how hurt you must be right now. Believe me when I tell you I love you. Please call me.
It baffled me how she could be considering another man’s proposal but tell me she loved me. I was livid reading this text. I couldn’t think clearly; I had to turn in for the night.
Hi, Jake. School starts for me today. I’m quite relieved to have twenty-four kids clutter my mind from now on. I see that you haven’t found it in your heart to forgive me yet. It makes me sad but I understand. I still have hope that your love for me will win over your anger toward me. I hope you are doing well. I miss you. I love you.
Today’s text hit me harder than all the other ones I’d received. I knew my love for her was far greater than my anger toward this situation but I still couldn’t get myself to call her. I missed her terribly and I too felt enormously empty and lonely without her. I hurt knowing she hurt, but there was also a part of me that wanted her to hurt. I had been so good to her all this time; I had loved her so much since the day we met and this was the way she was treating me. If there was any justice she would be just as miserable without me as I was without her—no, she should be even more miserable! I wanted her to appreciate me.
Still, I stopped by her house daily. Picking up the phone and calling wasn’t an option, but I wanted to be near her. Possibly, I wanted to run into her and tell her just how empty my life was without her. With or without Max in the picture, I desperately wanted her to know how I felt. Today I stopped by early in the morning, but she had already left. On my way to work I got a call.
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��Hey, Jake. Anything change between you and Emily?” It was Jane.
“Jane, I don’t want to talk about it. Can’t you just leave me alone?”
“I’m calling because I’m worried about Emily.”
“Why? What’s wrong with Emily?” I could never forgive myself if something happened to her because I wasn’t around to take care of her.
“She’s not answering her phone, and she won’t return any of my calls. What’s going on?”
“Jane, I don’t know. We haven’t spoken since Christmas.”
“You haven’t called her back? What could she have possibly done for you to not speak to her for so long? Did you two break up?”
“I gotta go. Let’s talk later.”
I heard Jane calling out my name, but I hung up on her.
Later that afternoon I stopped by again and she was still not home. I sat on her swing in front of her house when another text came in.
Hi, Jake. How are you doing? I hope you are not working too hard. What a silly thing to say, of course you are working hard. I too have been working hard at school. Today was an ugly day, as my student Jimmy got sick and threw up on me. It’s been a while since we last spoke. Wow, you can hold a grudge. I thought you might have responded by now. I know I hurt you, and don’t have a right to say this, but I hurt too, as you don’t respond to any of my messages. Please call.
I was disheartened to notice she didn’t write that she loved me or missed me anymore. It pained me to think she had chosen Max over me and this was her way of trying to tell me our relationship was over. Next time we talked, could I be like Max and let her go, believing this was the best for her? I wasn’t as selfless as Max. I didn’t care if he wanted her and she wanted him, I wanted her and that’s all that mattered. I would fight for her. This had gone on long enough. Jane was right. I was an idiot for not responding to Emily.
I couldn’t take it anymore. Right as my fingers punched in her number, the hospital called me back in to work. Figuring I could come back tonight, I went back to the hospital to take care of my patient.
The next morning, I was getting ready to stop by Emily’s house again when she texted again. I thought, “perfect.” I would go over and beg for forgiveness. We would put this all behind us and start again where we left off.
Hi, Jake. I spoke with Jane a few days ago, and she told me you said we were no longer seeing each other. I don’t know why it never occurred to me you didn’t want to be with me anymore. I sent all those texts thinking you still cared for me. I understand, and I don’t blame you. I’m sorry I’ve continually bothered you. This will be my final text. I want to say I’m sorry one last time and ask you to forgive me. You have been nothing but kind and loving, and I’ve only returned it with pain and uncertainty. I want you to know you are the only man I love. I wish I had figured this out sooner. Be well.
Sick to my stomach, I dialed Emily’s number but her phone went straight to voicemail. Racing to her house, I could only imagine how distraught she must have been all those days thinking I didn’t love her anymore. How stupid could I be—just utterly selfish to think only of my feelings. All this time I blamed her and Max, never once thinking she was at home hurting. How could I have boasted my love for this woman when all I’d done was hurt her?
Thoroughly relieved to see her car in the driveway I rang the doorbell. This nightmare was finally coming to an end.
Ding dong, ding dong. Emily, where are you? I’m sorry, Sweetheart. It kills me you think I don’t love you anymore. Please, answer the door!
I went around back to look for her spare key and couldn’t find it. Her car was here but she obviously wasn’t. With a heavy heart I left her house. My life suddenly flashed before me and Emily wasn’t in the picture anymore. All day I fought to rid myself of this horrid thought.
My phone rang and I jumped to answer it. It could only be Emily, I thought—or hoped.
“Hello?”
“Jake.”
“Hey, Nick.” Disappointed it wasn’t Emily, I couldn’t show any enthusiasm toward my brother.
“Are we leaving for New York tonight?”
“What do you mean?”
“Remember? We are all supposed to go to Masa this weekend. Where’s Emily? Did she leave already?”
A refusal was on the tip of my tongue when it occurred to me maybe Jane could answer all these questions in my head. Emily said in her last text that she had spoken with Jane. Perhaps Emily confided in Jane what she was feeling all these weeks. I’d go talk to my sister and get some answers.
“What time is our flight?”
“Midnight.”
“I’ll pick you up at your apartment around ten. Be ready to leave.”
Praying for a solution to this mess I created, we arrived at JFK and caught a cab to Jane’s apartment. Much of me feared Jane would tell me Emily no longer wanted to be with me. Now my worries had nothing to do with Max. I clearly understood this was our problem, and I had masterminded this mess.
We walked into Jane’s apartment, and before I got a chance to ask Jane any questions, she and Nick got into a fight about why we were here. Jane was unusually high strung while the two of them argued. Tired from not having slept at all last night, I walked to the sofa to sit down, when out of nowhere Emily walked out of the second bedroom.
EMILY! My heart swelled with joy. She had been with Jane all this time and that was why I couldn’t find her. I could finally talk to her and beg her to forgive me. Whether it took a day, a week, a month, I wouldn’t let her leave till she reconciled with me. Before I could utter a word, Nick greeted his future sister.
“Emily, when did you get here? It’s so great to see you.” Nick gave her a big hug and she looked pleased.
I tried to make eye contact, but she wouldn’t look at me. Soon I would explain myself and retire the look of fear that still lived in her eyes since I last saw her at the Grand Canyon.
Emily finally spoke. “Um, I got here yesterday.” Distressed, she headed to the door and said, “I was just leaving. It was nice seeing all of you.”
No! Where are you going? You can’t leave me again.
It was my hope to stop her, but simultaneously Nick called, “Emily, don’t go. We’re going to Masa for dinner. You have to join us!”
And Jane yelled, “Jake, you’re such a jerk! How could you leave Emily stranded in Arizona? Why are you ignoring her when she’s been trying to get a hold of you for weeks? How can you be so cold…?” Jane babbled on, but all I could focus on was Arizona.
Jane said I had left Emily stranded in Arizona. What was that all about? I turned to ask Emily, but she was gone. My eyes left her face for two seconds, thinking about Jane’s accusation, and I’d lost my love again.
“Where’d she go?” I shouted at both my siblings.
“I don’t know. She was just here,” Nick answered back.
“Jane, what did you just say about Arizona? Why did you say I left her stranded there?”
“Go ask Emily!” Jane sounded disgusted with me.
I bolted out the door, ran down the steps, and came to a halt right outside the door. I searched to my left and scanned the block for Emily, she wasn’t there. I turned to my right and found her running to the end of the block.
“EMILY!” I shouted from the top of my lungs. I wasn’t going to lose her again. Not concerned with the events of the last few weeks, I couldn’t live without her another day. Please don’t leave me, was all I could think. She momentarily stopped at my holler then continued to walk away, flagging down a cab.
I caught up to her at the end of the block. “Emily. Please don’t go.” I held her hand and tried to grab her suitcase out of the taxi.
“I should leave. You three have a great time,” she answered tacitly.
Emily. Look at me. Please forgive me. The pain in your eyes—how could I have done this to you?
“I feel terrible interrupting you and Jane, but I’m glad you’re here. You didn’t mention you were coming to
see my sister.” She looked even more hurt when I said this. “Regardless, we need to talk.” I needed to ask her about Arizona among many other misunderstandings. I started with the topic of Jane’s accusation as that bothered me the most.
“Emily, what was Jane talking about me leaving you in Arizona?” I feared her answer because deep in my heart I knew what I had done.
She only stared at the ground, silent.
“Emily, answer me! What was she talking about?” Though I shouldn’t have been, I got angry again. I was angry at myself but took it out on Emily.
“What do you care?” she answered, shutting the trunk.
“Tell me!” I demanded, but then begged, “Please?” Please tell me I didn’t leave you there that morning. PLEASE tell me you went back home with Max and Sarah.
“I waited for you to return.”
Oh God. You waited just like that night you were leaving for New York. You trusted me to come for you no matter what the circumstance. What have I done? My heart bore down hard.
“What do you mean you waited for me to return? For how long?”
She wouldn’t answer.
“Damn it, Emily, how long did you wait for me?”
“…Till it closed,” she answered quietly. Even in this situation she was worried about my feelings. She gently told me of the atrocity I had committed.
“What? How could you have waited for me till closing time? Didn’t you realize after a while I wasn’t coming back? It was freezing that day. You didn’t even have a jacket on. How stupid can you be?” That wasn’t what I meant to say. Emily, please forgive me. How will I make this right?
In disbelief she stared at me with deep sadness in her eyes. But rather than breaking down and cowering, Emily angrily yelled back at me.