by DW Cee
“Dani!” Mom hugged me longingly. “I’ve missed you. How was your trip?”
“Uh… good.” I answered Mom but looked at Jamie.
“Hi Dani.” Jamie came over and nervously gave me a hug.
“Hey,” was the only answer I could get out while wondering why he was here again.
“I’ll let you two catch up.” Jamie whispered to Mom as he tenderly put his hands on Mom’s arms. Without saying anything, the two had an intimate exchange and he walked away. Mom couldn’t tear her eyes away from him till his car drove down the block. That – whatever that was – gave me chills. It was creepy.
“Hi Ian.” Mom finally noticed someone other than Jamie. She went over and gave him a hug. “Did you work out your issues with my daughter?”
“Well, I thought we did, then she brought up another, even more disturbing issue we’ll have to work out another day.”
“Is she frustrating you?” Mom sympathized with him. “I know she bottles everything up.” Then she empathized with him. “Don’t worry. I know she really likes you even though she won’t admit it. I can tell.” Now she was just being annoying.
“Let’s go in, Mom. We have a lot of catching up to do.”
“Bye, Ian. Please ask your parents if they would mind you coming for dinner tomorrow night. I’ll help you with Dani.”
“Will do, Mrs. Kingston. Good night.”
“What was that all about?” We were in for a long night if what I saw between Mom and Jamie was true.
“I want Ian to come over for dinner. He can drive you home, you can spend the afternoon doing homework and hanging out, then I’ll feed him and he can go home.” Nervously Mom headed in the house. She knew where this conversation was going and she was pushing it off by talking about Ian.
“No, I mean… what was that giggling and touchy feely stuff with Jamie all about?”
There was fear in her eyes. She stammered a few “wells,” and “you sees,” but she couldn’t give me an answer.
“Let’s talk about you and Ian first. What’s going on? Why is he so frustrated?”
I decided to give her a break and explained our nightly conversation. “He wants us to date exclusively and initially, I turned him down.”
“But why, Dani? He’s so sweet and he seems to care a lot about you.”
“Well, this is what I wanted to talk to you about. I know he cares and I know he’s nice but there are so many reasons why I don’t think it’s a good thing for us to date.”
“Such as?”
“Such as, Dad just died. I’m still mourning his death and I feel guilty enjoying my time with Ian. I feel as if I should be sad everyday rather than laughing and looking forward to spending time with him.”
Mom’s gentle hands moved around my neck and pulled me in for a hug. “Dani, you and I will mourn Dad’s death the rest of our lives. He’s never going to leave our hearts and our memories. But he would want for you to enjoy life despite his absence. He doesn’t want you to be sad.” Now her hands were wiping the tears from my eyes. “He would want you to laugh and live and move on.”
“Is that what you’ve done already? Moved on?”
The words came out much worse than I meant for them to sound. Mom looked hurt by my accusation.
“Dani… I don’t know what to tell you. I didn’t expect to meet Jamie and I never expected to fall in love again.”
“Fall in love?” I yelled at her. “What do you mean, fall in love? How could you be in love with someone already? How disrespectful can you be? Did you ever love my father? Your husband?”
Without looking at my mother, I knew what was happening. The combination of words I used were neither appropriate nor did they have any truth to them. Mom and Dad were the epitome of love. What I just said probably broke Mom’s heart almost as much as Dad’s death – maybe even more so. At least with Dad, there was nothing that could have been done, but with me, I knew better than to act like a rotten child. But, I couldn’t help myself. I stormed off to my room before I saw the evidence that convicted me of my crime.
Waiting by my door, I heard quiet footsteps travelling down the hall and Mom gently closing her door. Within seconds, I stood outside her door with my ears pressed begging, praying for silence, muteness, dead air – anything that would scream out that Mom was not crying, that I had not caused her any pain.
The muted silence lingered but with the silence also came images of Mom’s eyes quietly tearing. When tears were not enough, her hands would cover her face to try and stop the storm that had to be let loose. Her soft sounds of whimper also brought images of Mom in bed, curled in a fetal position not knowing what to do with herself because the pain was so overwhelming. I’d witnessed these images countless times after Dad first died. Tonight, the mental pictures were far worse than reality. And the worst part of it was, I was the one causing her this pain.
I ran back into my room and urgently dialed Ian’s number.
“Dani? Hi.”
“Ian. Can you talk?” My tears weren’t far behind.
“What’s the matter? Dani? Are you crying?”
“Can you just be a friend and listen? I don’t have anyone to talk to right now.”
“Okay. I’m here for you. Tell me whatever you want to.”
“Ian.” I bawled.
“Dani…” He was so sympathetic, his voice so soothing. “Do you want me to come over?”
“If you could just listen to what I have to say without telling me what a terrible person I am… please just listen.”
“Alright.” A soft but alarmed voice answered my plea.
“Mom just told me she loved Jamie and I yelled at her and told her she was disrespecting Dad and I accused her of never loving him.” Sobbing desperately but quietly, so as not to alarm Mom, I must have cried for a good ten minutes. All the while, Ian stayed on the phone and silently comforted me.
“Dani?”
“Yes?”
“I’m right outside your door. Come out to the swing.”
I ran to him, never more happy to see him in the short while we’d been dating. Opening the door, I jumped into his arms and he hugged me back without uttering a sound.
“Thank you for being here.” I couldn’t let go of him. “I’m so happy to be with you.” He still didn’t say a word. “I’m sorry for being such a brat. I do like you. I really, really like you and if you still want, I’d like to give us a chance. We’ll deal with college and separation when the time comes.”
There was a soulful smile planted on Ian’s face that made him feel much older than the 18 year old that he was.
“Well…are you going to say anything? I just poured out my heart to you. You haven’t responded.”
“You asked me only to listen. If you want me to start talking, I’m going to give you answers you’re not going to like hearing. What do you want me to do? Shall I stay here and hold you till you’re calm, then leave, or do you want to hear what I have to say?”
My body stiffened at his question as I sat with my hands on my lap, my head and body hunched over my knees resting on the swing, and I prepared myself for a scolding. “Okay, go ahead. I’m ready.”
“Dani, what was the first thing you did after you and your mom got into a fight?”
“I called you.”
“How did you feel when I showed up at your door to comfort you?”
Hesitantly, I smiled before answering, “Wonderful.”
“If that’s how you truly felt with me in your life, why can’t your mom have the same thing?”
“Because I wasn’t married to Dad.”
“And she’s not married to him anymore either. It’s unfair for you to think your mom has to stay a nun the rest of her life. Jamie’s a great guy and from what I can tell, he adores your mom. What part of this disturbs you?”
“I don’t like the idea of her liking another man. I can’t accept Jamie or anyone else as a substitute Dad. No one can replace Dad.”
“Jamie is not t
rying to be your dad. He just wants to love your mom. You really shouldn’t even factor into this equation.”
“You know, you’re starting to annoy me. I’m regretting having called you.”
Ian put his arms around me and tilted my entire body into his chest. “The only part of tonight you regret is your attack on your mom. You need to apologize and make things right with her.”
I shook my head no.
“Dani, you’re being a brat. Can you honestly tell me you want to see your mom alone for the rest of her life? You’ll be on the other side of the United States in a few months, and all your mother will have is an empty house and her translation job. Do you truly want that?”
“I don’t know, Ian. I know I’m being a brat. I know I’ve hurt Mom. But, I still think she’s betraying Dad. He’s only been gone a few months.”
“I know he’s only been gone six months but Dani, look at us. You can’t know when you’ll meet that special person. Your mom didn’t go looking for Jamie. It just happened.”
My conversation with Ian last night put me in a guilty mood this morning. I didn’t know what to say to Mom to make this situation better. Lingering in my room as long as possible, I ran down as soon as Ian’s car appeared in the driveway. Like the coward that I was, I ran out of the house without facing Mom. On my way out it broke my heart to see that even with my atrocious behavior last night, Mom had a hot breakfast and a sack lunch set out for me on the table. Feeling too guilty to eat, I jumped in Ian’s car but caught a glimpse of Mom from the upstair's window. Looking tired and her eyes swollen, she watched us until the car went down the road. It was anyone’s guess how long she stood there that morning.
“Talk to her. Apologize!” Ian urged.
“Stop badgering me. I’ll do it when I’m ready. Plus, she’s busy right now with her translations. She doesn’t want to be bothered.”
“Coward!” Ian was right to call me a coward but I couldn’t help it. The situation had gone too far for me to retract my accusations from yesterday.
Mom got up from her desk and came into the kitchen to get dinner ready. My eyes followed her every move until she looked at me. Quickly, my head plopped back into the textbook and I suddenly found calculus the most fascinating subject.
“Are you guys okay with make-your-own-sushi, tonight?” This was the first time Mom said anything since last night. “Ian, do you eat sushi?”
“I sure do, Mrs. Kingston. Thank you.”
“Are you okay with that, Dani?” It broke my heart that Mom was so scared of what I thought. The sparkle in her eyes that had been revived with Jamie, died again.
“Sure.”
She broke eye contact as soon as my words were out.
Ding Dong.
Mom walked over to answer the door.
“Olivia!” An exasperated Jamie flung his arms around Mom. “Why haven’t you been answering any of my calls? I was worried sick all day wondering if you were okay.”
Mom pushed Jamie away immediately. Looking like a guilty child caught in a naughty act, she furtively glanced my way then stepped outside.
“What’s the matter?” Jamie’s muffled voice still broke through the crack in the door.
“Nothing.” I could tell Mom’s voice was breaking.
“Where were you all day? Why are you avoiding me?”
“Jamie, this isn’t a good time. I’ll call you in a few days.”
“Olivia...don’t do this. What’s wrong? What has changed since yesterday?”
“Why don’t we go back to being just friends? We hardly know each other. I think I got a bit carried away this past week. I’m sorry.”
“What are you talking about? Go back to just being friends? I told you that I want to spend the next fifty years with you. We can’t just stay friends. What’s changed? Is it Dani? Does she not like me? You want me to talk to her?”
“No. It’s me. I’ve had a change of heart. Go back to Melinda. You’ll be happier with her.”
“OLIVIA!” I heard Jamie yell in frustration. “I love you.” He sounded desperate now.
“Dani...hey Dani!” Ian broke my concentration. “Why don’t we go upstairs and give your mom and Jamie some privacy?”
I ignored him and listened intently to the conversation going on outside.
“Goodbye, Jamie. I’ll call you in a few days.”
The door shut and Mom ran upstairs.
“Are you happy now?” Ian was shaking his head in disapproval.
“It’s for the best. You see, she obviously didn’t like him that much or she wouldn’t be able to end things with Jamie so easily.”
“Is that what you really believe? Did you not hear her deny your involvement in her decision and take all the blame for herself?” Now Ian was mad. “She loves you so much she’s willing to sacrifice her own happiness for you. Couldn’t you hear her heart breaking when she told Jamie to leave?”
“When did you become a shrink? You and I heard the same conversation. She said she got carried away. She was lonely while I was gone and he was conveniently around.”
Ian abruptly got up and started packing his bag.
“I didn’t realize how selfish you were. Why don’t we cool it for a while as well.”
“Wait!” I jumped up and grabbed both his hands from packing up all his books. “I know...I know I’m being a selfish brat. I’ll talk to Mom. I’ll let her explain her side of the story. Please stay.”
While Ian contemplated what to do I wrapped both my arms around his waist and held onto him tight. “I’m sorry. Please don’t go.”
His arms reciprocated my embrace and we only parted when Mom’s footsteps neared the kitchen.
We could both tell she had cried up in her room and even with a newly made up face, her eyes were bloodshot and swollen. A huge part of me felt responsible and guilty for her unhappiness but another huge part of me was relieved she and Jamie were done.
Ian did his best during dinner to engage Mom in a conversation about school life and his summer plans. Mom, in turn, participated and asked him all the right questions but she hadn’t put a bite of food into her mouth.
“What will you be doing during the summer before Dani leaves for the East Coast, Mrs. Kingston?”
“I think we’ll be visiting her grandparents in Africa. I’d like to leave right after graduation if that’s okay with you, Dani?” This was the first time she addressed me since Jamie left.
“Sure. I don’t care.”
“How long will you be gone?” Ian asked.
“Maybe a month? Ian, you’re welcome to come with us, if your parents will let you go. I’m sure they won’t want you to leave since they’ll be losing you for four years.”
“I’ll ask but I doubt they’ll let me go. I’m the last to leave the house so I think Mom’s going through serious empty nester syndrome.”
“Yeah. I understand.” Mom had a sad smile. “If you’ll both excuse me, I’m going to book our flight to Africa. Ian, feel free to stay as long as you like.” She got up, patted Ian on the back, and walked away.
OLIVIA 2005
“Come over!” Meghan commanded first thing in the morning.
These April showers were not helping my already gloomy mood. I trudged over to Meghan’s knowing what was coming.
“Your foul mood has even affected the weather.” Meghan laughed at me as I walked into her family room. I gave her an innocent and unfounded look.
She continued, “George says the entire office is cranky because their most favorite CPA is down in the dumps. What exactly did you do to him?” Her laughter wouldn’t die down.
“I didn’t do anything.” I defended myself. “He took last week a little too seriously and had us living with one another till we were ninety.”
“So...sleeping with him was no big deal to you? Jamie meant nothing and you don’t care that he’s hurting and waiting by the phone all day?”
“Meghan, you’re such an exaggerator. Jamie is a big boy. He’s still tog
ether with Melinda and they’ll be okay when he decides to stop crushing on me. It was just a crazy week of...lust.”
“Lust? Oh, I don’t think so. Why are you fighting this? I thought you were going to give him a chance.”
A sigh was all that escaped me.
“Well?”
“There are too many reasons why we can’t work. First off, I can’t have anymore kids and Jamie wants a big family.”
Meghan gave me a doubtful look.
“He said so himself. He’s one of four and he wants a big family.”
“Okay...the advancement in infertility treatment is amazing now. Look at us with our beautiful twins. What’s the next reason?”
“Speaking of, where are the babies?”
“They’re upstairs taking a nap; stop changing the subject! What’s your next reason?”
“Family.”
“What does that mean?”
“That means, Jamie’s mom is on Melinda’s side and has all but sent out wedding invites.”
“Who cares what his mom thinks? You’re not marrying his mother.” Somehow in the midst of this conversation, coffee and pastries magically appeared. I was happy for the diversion. Maybe I could just eat and leave without explaining what was happening with me and Dani.
“What you’ve said so far are not big issues. They can all be resolved. What’s the real reason for your hesitation?”
“That’s pretty much it,” I lied. I didn’t want to portray Dani as the bad guy in this situation. Even if she approved, this relationship could go nowhere. Dani's disapproval was only one nail in this coffin. “Is that one of the twins crying?”
“You’re not getting out of this conversation that easily, but yes, it’s Paul howling. Let’s go get him before he wakes up Nellie.”
Luckily the rest of the day was spent with the kids and I offered to babysit the twins to give George and Meghan a night out.
“Are you sure you can handle both of them by yourself?” Meghan looked doubtful. “Why don’t we just stay in and I’ll go pick something up?” George added.