by Ingrid Diaz
“So what are you?” Valerie asked carefully.
I had no idea. “Thirsty,” was what I answered and she smiled, offering me her hand.
“Well, you’ve come to the right place.”
I let her help me up and then followed her out of the room. Loki met me in the hallway, and I picked her up. “Miss me?” I asked the dog, who in turn licked my cheek. I headed toward the kitchen. “You know, you could’ve opened the door for me,” I informed the puppy. “Where are your manners?” I glanced up to find Valerie looking at me curiously. She stepped forward and offered me a can of Dr. Pepper in exchange for the dog. It was a fair deal, so I traded. “Sweet ambrosia.” I sighed, taking a sip of soda.
“Pardon?”
“Food of the gods,” I replied. “If I were a goddess, Dr. Pepper would be my ambrosia.”
“And you’d be the goddess of what exactly?” Valerie put Loki back on the floor and leaned against the kitchen counter watching me with interest.
I thought quickly. “Well, I’d be the goddess of Dr. Pepper. My name would be Pepperite. Like Aphrodite, with a kick.”
Valerie smiled. She paused for a moment, then asked, “So what made you realize you weren’t in love any more?”
Full circle and back to square one. I sighed quietly, then met her gaze. “It just sort of . . . dawned on me.” I bit my lip and looked down at the can in my hand. “Actually, my feelings for you sort of help put some things in perspective.” I kind of mumbled that last part, but Valerie heard it anyway.
Sounding surprised, she asked, “What are your feelings for me?”
I wasn’t used to talking about my feelings to other people. It was easier for me to hide everything because it’s what I’d always had to do. So her question threw me off. It didn’t surprise me; on the contrary, I’d been expecting it. But I had no idea how to answer it. So in the end, I offered her the truth, “I don’t know.” Knowing that wasn’t enough, I added, “But I’ve never not known how I felt exactly. I mean, I’m never sure about most things, but I thought I at least knew how I felt about . . .” I stopped to look at her, not sure if I should say her name.
“Jessica?” Valerie guessed.
It was my turn to sound surprised. “How’d you know?”
She shrugged. “Call it a hunch.”
I took a deep breath, not sure of what my point was or if I even had one. “I guess, even though I am generally unsure about everything I thought my feelings for Jessica were the one thing I knew for sure. And then you came along and all of a sudden I’ve started to question my old feelings . . . and I’d never done that before.” I stopped, not quite certain that I’d made any sense whatsoever but hoping for the best. I’m not exactly sure what I thought Valerie would say . . . but what she did was unexpected.
It happened so suddenly that I don’t even remember how it started, but suddenly her lips were on mine and she was kissing me so gently I never wanted to pull away. I felt her arms tighten around my waist and her body press slowly against mine. My body responded in ways I’d never imagined were possible and I wanted nothing more than to remain in her arms forever.
I’m not sure how long we stood there, but eventually Valerie pulled away. Around me the world spun. I have no idea how I managed to stay on my feet.
“I . . . umm . . . wow . . .” Those were Valerie’s first words.
“Umm . . . yeah . . .” Were mine.
We stood there looking awkwardly at one another. And then we moved to the couch.
Chapter 13
The first thing my eyes focused on the following morning was a tack on the wall. I remember because I stared it at it for a very long time, wondering why I had never seen it before. The second thing I noticed was that my bed seemed a lot softer than usual. The third thing I noticed was that I wasn’t alone, at which point my mind rose to full consciousness and I blinked a few times to make sure I wasn’t dreaming.
I wasn’t.
I replayed the events of the previous night over in my mind and my face broke into a slow smile. Biting my lip, I rolled over to face a still-sleeping Valerie. Loose strands of blonde hair fell haphazardly across her face and I struggled to keep from clearing them away. Instead, I pressed my cheek to the pillow and proceeded to study her quietly.
It’s so easy to look at another person while they’re sleeping. While their eyes are closed and their minds unaware that you are studying every feature of their face, attempting to memorize it so when you avoid their eyes later on in the day you can at least remember what they look like. I was sure that if I were told to close my eyes, I could’ve drawn Valerie’s face to picture-perfect precision. It was a shame, however, that I couldn’t see her eyes.
While Jessica’s were dark blue, a blue that was almost black in coloring, Valerie’s were lighter, with little specs of turquoise in the mix. They were a nice contrast to her light skin, which wasn’t pale exactly, but not dark either.
Her eyes suddenly blinked open and I knew I’d been caught staring. Valerie didn’t seem to mind, and she smiled as her eyes met mine. “Morning,” she whispered.
I grinned back. “Morning.”
“Guess it wasn’t that difficult to get you into bed,” she teased.
I arched an eyebrow and pulled the covers off both our fully-clad bodies. “Literally no . . . metaphorically speaking, however, you’re going to have to try a lot harder than that.”
Valerie smiled and leaned forward to kiss me briefly. “Details details.” She offered me her hand. “Can I interest you in some breakfast?”
I let her drag me off the bed. “Only if you make it.”
“Deal. I don’t want my apartment blowing up today.” She laughed at the glare I sent her way and led the way to the kitchen. Once at her destination, she leaned against the counter. “What would you like?”
“What, don’t I get a menu or something?” I joked, going to the couch in the living room. Loki appeared a second later and jumped onto my lap. “Make that two menus.”
Valerie opened the refrigerator. “I’ve got eggs, bagels, English muffins, and bacon.”
My eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Wow, you’re really into breakfast huh?”
“It’s the most important meal of the day,” she responded.
“That’s what they tell me,” I replied. I usually found midnight snacks to be the most important meals of the day. But what did I know? I stood up, grabbing Loki as I went, and joined Valerie in the kitchen. “Tell you what, you take care of the frying and I’ll deal with the no-brain appliances.”
Valerie stared at me curiously. “What are we making?”
“Everything!” I answered, putting Loki on the ground. “I’m starving.”
Ò
A couple of hours later I stumbled through my dorm room to find a bunch of messages on my desk. The one night I’m not there and everybody decides to call me. Figures.
“Long night?” Nicole asked from her trademark spot on the bed. She was watching TV for a change. She lowered the volume. “I wasn’t sure whether to be worried or elated. Guess I’ll go with the latter.”
I rolled my eyes. “Nothing happened, Nicole.” I paused for a moment, then allowed myself a grin. “Well, nothing much.”
“Ah-huh. If nothing happened then how come you’re wandering in here at one in the afternoon?”
A slight knock on the door was followed by, “You just got in now?” Jade stepped inside the room. “From nun to hooker. That was a fast transition.”
I frowned. “What are you doing here?”
“I was calling you all night,” Jade answered, lighting up a cigarette. “So I thought I’d show up today and see how things were going. By the looks of it you were pretty busy last night, eh?” She nudged me and winked, then crossed the room to sit on my bed. “Please tell all.”
“Was it as good as you’d imagined, or were you disappointed?” Nicole wondered, leaning forward in her bed.
I felt as though there was a giant spotlight focuse
d directly on me. Shaking my head, I closed the door and took a seat at my desk. “Nothing happened,” I repeated.
“Nothing at all?” Jade pressed.
I bit my lip. “Well . . .”
“Spill it, woman!” Nicole insisted.
I decided I needed to get myself a set of new friends. The kind that minded their own business and didn’t press me for personal information. Ha, right! Resigned to the inevitable, I finally answered. “Well, we kissed for a while.”
“And . . . ?” Jade.
I frowned. “And then we watched TV for a while.”
“And . . . ?” Nicole.
I sighed. “Well, then it got kind of late and Valerie suggested I sleep over. So I said sure.”
Jade walked to the window to flick her cigarette. “That’s it?” she asked, turning to face me.
“Well, yeah.” I smiled. “I wasn’t going to have sex with her.”
“Why bloody not?”
I shrugged. “Well, for starters, I just met her. I’m not ready to rush into anything. And besides . . .” I trailed off, biting my lip.
“And besides . . . ?”
Sighing, I walked over to my bed and lay down. “What if I don’t know what to do? You know . . . in bed.”
Jade shook her head and flicked the cigarette out the window. “Maybe we’ll just go ahead and get you that lesbian porn.”
Nicole rose to her feet. “I see that no more juicy information will come out of this conversation, so if you girls will excuse me, I’m going to the student center to grab lunch.” She grabbed her purse and keys and headed out the door.
Jade watched the door slam closed and laughed. “Wow that lesbian porn thing really gets her outta here.”
“I’d say.”
Jade sat down at the edge of my bed and regarded me curiously, waiting for me to say something.
I sighed. “It’s not the mechanics of it. I know what to do.” I tried to pinpoint the exact source of my worries but couldn’t. “I think it’s more of an emotional fear.”
“Are you worried your heart will overload?” Jade grinned.
Shrugging, I sighed. “Maybe.” I let my head fall back on the pillow. “What if I’m no good? What if I’m so bad that all her feelings for me instantly evaporate at my utter incompetence in the art of lovemaking?”
Jade cracked up. “You’re a nut! That’s ridiculous.”
“I don’t think so. I mean, what if I’m like really bad?” I sighed. “I wish there was a way to test my abilities.”
“I’m not sleeping with you if that’s what you’re thinking.”
I nudged Jade in the leg with my foot. “Very funny. I was thinking more along the lines of those Seventeen Magazine quizzes.”
Jade laughed. “Oh, right. ‘Lesbian Sex: Do you have what it takes?’ I can just see it now.”
She was right. It did sound pretty ridiculous and not at all helpful, but I still wondered if there was some way, outside of the traditional mode of information, for finding out. “Hmm. What about a psychic?”
“You wanna sleep with a psychic?”
“No! I mean . . . go to a psychic. To ask them.”
Jade raised both eyebrows and stared at me. “I truly hope you’re not serious about any of this.” She frowned. “Oh gods, you are.”
“Well, no.” Not entirely, anyway. “Guess I’ll just have to find out when the time comes.”
Jade was quiet for a moment. “Do you think you’ll sleep with her?”
My gaze snapped up to her. I was silent, then I looked away and sighed. “I hope so. I’ve never wanted anyone so badly in my life.”
“Jessica?”
I met her gaze and held it, shaking my head. “Not even Jessica.”
Ò
I spent the rest of the day at the student center trying to catch up on some reading for my World Literature course. I’d been so busy balancing my heart between Jessica and Valerie that I’d totally forgotten about my schoolwork. I’d already missed a couple of days of classes in the name of love. Well . . . maybe not love. Obsession and infatuation was more like it. But those were the roots of love, no?
I managed to get through half of Fae Myenne Ng’s Bone before my brain stopped accepting intellectual stimuli. On the way back to my room I gave myself a mental pat on the back for having been productive. I was at least ahead in one of my classes. One down, four to go, I thought.
My room was empty when I stepped inside, but there was a new message waiting on the answering machine. Pushing the door closed with my foot, I managed to press “play” simultaneously. I’m not sure why I did that . . . maybe just to see if I could. Anyway . . .
“You have one new message.” There was a short beep, and then Roxanne’s voice filled the room. “Hey Al, just wondering what you were up to since I hadn’t heard from you since the wedding. You didn’t run off and join a convent or something crazy like that, did ya? Well, anyway. Call me. Maybe we can chill.”
Hanging out with Roxanne hadn’t been on my list of things to do that evening but I acknowledged the fact that I had no plans with Valerie and thus had nothing else to do. Besides, I wanted Roxanne’s take on the matters of my heart. So without further delay, I grabbed the phone from its base and dialed Roxanne’s number.
“Peek-a-mon,” came the response on the other line a couple of rings later.
I smiled into the receiver. “Hi Alisha.”
“Peek-a-” Alisha was cut off mid-babble only to be replaced a second later by Roxanne’s “Hello?”
“Just got your message.”
“Oh, hi, Alix. Hold on.” I heard the distinct sounds of a phone getting dropped on a counter, soon to be followed by Roxanne’s voice in the distance. “Alisha, c’mon, baby, let’s watch some TV . . .”
I waited patiently for Roxanne to return, busying myself by staring at the poster of Steven Tyler on my ceiling. It was the only poster I’d bothered to remove from my room. It was my favorite and it would continue to reside above my bed until my dying day.
“Still there?” Roxanne breathed a couple of minutes later.
“Yeah. How’s Alisha?” The entire concept of one of my best friends having a four-year-old child was mind-boggling. I thought with time it would become less shocking, but it only got worse. It served an up-lifting reminder that we were getting old. Jessica was married, Roxanne had a kid . . . Guess both of those were out of the question for me. I’d have to get creative if I wanted to compete. Like go through menopause at twenty-five or something.
“She’s good. You know, Pokémon this, Pokémon that. The usual. What’s up with you? You sort of dropped off the face of the earth since the big day.”
Shrugging, I responded, “School keeps me busy enough.” I was trying to think of a good way to introduce the Valerie subject.
“So I heard you went on a date . . . ?”
Or she could just introduce it herself. That worked too. “I’ve been on a few since then,” I admitted, grinning slightly to myself.
“Same chick?”
“Yep.”
Motherhood had not impaired her nosy nature. “Well, what are you waiting for, tell me everything.”
And so for the next twenty minutes or so I caught Roxanne up on all of the details. It would’ve taken less but Roxanne had to keep interrupting me to attend to Alisha. When I was through bearing my soul, Roxanne paused to absorb the entire story. I waited silently for her to comment.
“So are you guys an official item?” Roxanne asked after a minute of silent contemplation.
Frowning, I said, “Uh, I’m not sure.”
“How can you not know?”
“How can you know? I must have missed that course in high school. Is there some kind of announcement ritual that I’m not aware of?”
Roxanne laughed. “I don’t know. I just figured you would’ve talked about it by now. But I forget you’re not one of those talk-about-your-emotions kind of person.”
Now what was that supposed to mean? “I
do too talk about my emotions. I’m doing it right now in fact. It’s all I’ve been doing for the past seven years, or were you not paying attention?”
“Oh, you talk about them to your friends, but not to the person your feelings are targeted on. Besides, you didn’t whine about Jessica for seven years, because you kept your feelings hidden for three. And even after Jessica and the rest of the world found out, you still refused to talk about it unless it was forced out of you.”
This wasn’t at all how I’d expected this conversation to go. Why was she lecturing me? “What’s your point, Rox?” I asked, a bit more harshly than I should’ve.
“Hey, calm down, woman. I’m just saying that a lot of your problems would be solved if you’d just open your mouth once in a while and say what’s on your mind. I mean, there was a time when one couldn’t shut you up for anything, but ever since the Jessica thing you’ve turned into this shell.”
My frown returned. I’d turned into a shell? “What?”
“Never mind. Look, all I’m saying is that if you’re confused, and I know you are ’cause I know you . . . then you should just talk to Valerie and clear things up.”
She made it sound so simple. But I was willing to give it a shot. I didn’t want to be a “shell” anymore, whatever that meant.
“So when do I get to meet her?” Roxanne continued.
“Well, she’s probably at work tonight. I don’t know when I’m going to see her again.” I felt suddenly depressed at that realization. I should know when I’d get to see her again. Right? “I’d invite you to go to the club, but finding a babysitter at this hour . . .”
“Actually I had Zack on-call just in case you wanted to hang out.”
I smiled. “Such a good uncle he’s turned out to be.”
“Yeah, I don’t know what I’d do without him. So do you want me to pick you up? Where are we going?”