by Ingrid Diaz
Hands shot up in the air and I did my best to hide behind the people in the row in front of me.
Alix picked two random people from the audience, a girl and a boy, who quickly made their way up onto the stage. Once there, they were handed each a script and told to read over the parts they were going to portray.
“Okay,” Alix said, standing off to the side so that the three other people had center stage. “Melanie, I want you to block this scene to the best of your ability, taking into consideration that this stage is a lot smaller than the one you would be performing on.”
The girl started telling the two volunteers where to stand on stage and on what lines to cross from one side of the room to the other. From time to time, Alix interrupted to make suggestions, but for the most part she stood to the side quietly, paying intent attention to the actions unfolding a few feet before her. I’d never seen her this focused on anything before and it took my breath away. She appeared so much older. I was so used to her shyness and awkwardness; this was a side of her I had never imagined.
I’m not entirely sure how long it all lasted. It could’ve been an hour or fifteen minutes, but before I knew it, everyone around me was packing up their notebooks and Alix was wishing them all a good week.
My plan of escape was a simple one, simply merge in with the exiting crowd and make myself scarce. For some reason this proved more difficult than I had otherwise expected and five minutes later I found myself still sitting in the same spot.
Alix still hadn’t noticed me, or if she had she was doing an excellent job of pretending she hadn’t. Instead of leaving, I managed to move up toward the stage while her back was turned to the audience so that I could hide to the side of her. I felt like such a fool.
On the stage, Alix was having a conversation with that girl Melanie and I figured that since I was already stalking, eavesdropping was only the next logical step.
“I was really hoping you could help me out with this monologue I have to do for my audition tomorrow,” Melanie was saying in such a way that made it clear to me that practicing the monologue was not at all what this girl was after.
“What are you auditioning for?” came Alix’s response, and I could tell by her tone that whatever force of strength had kept her lively just minutes before while she was teaching, was gone now.
“It’s for Little Women. I’m auditioning for Jo in Miami tomorrow and I’m really nervous about it. I could really use your help.”
Say no. Say no. Say no.
Sensing Alix’s hesitation, Melanie continued. “I’ll buy you dinner as a thank you.”
My eyes narrowed in reaction to this latest development.
“You don’t have to do that,” Alix said, and I could tell she was about to give in. Apparently I wasn’t doing a very good job of implanting my thoughts into her brain. “When are you free tonight?”
It was all I could do not to jump out of my hiding spot. Somehow I managed to stay still. I don’t own her. She can go out with this girl if she wants to. I told myself these things, but they weren’t sinking in. Mostly because I didn’t want them to.
“Oh, whenever!” Melanie sounded a little too content for my personal comfort, and a growl escaped my lips. “Whenever you’re free, since you’re doing me the favor.”
“I have a class in about twenty minutes,” Alix responded, sounding thoughtful. “How about afterwards, around six? Meet in my room?”
My ears perked up at the mention of the word “room.” Did this girl know where Alix’s room was? Had she been there before?
“Perfect,” Melanie was saying. “See you then.”
I didn’t have enough time to be annoyed because it occurred to me at that moment that Alix was about to leave the auditorium and if she chose to exit through the doors next to me, I was going to have a lot of explaining to do. So before I had much of a chance to rethink my plan, I flew out the doors to the open air outside. I jogged to the nearest building and hid out of sight.
A few moments later I watched Alix walk out of the doors I’d just passed through and I breathed a sigh of relief that I’d thought to get out of there instead of leaving it up to chance.
I leaned against the nearest wall and banged the back of my head against it a few times. What the hell was I doing? I stood there for a few minutes and then walked back outside. The intelligent thing to do was to go home and take a long, hot shower and get away from Alix for the rest of the day. Obviously, sanity was a fleeting entity whenever she was around.
Of course, if I just went home I’d inevitably spend the rest of the night thinking about how I really needed to talk to her. This had, of course, nothing at all to do with the fact that I knew she’d be spending the rest of the afternoon with that she-demon, Melanie.
Not even a little bit.
Ò
Needless to say, I didn’t go home. I spent the next couple of hours walking around campus and buying crappy coffee from the student center. I found it amusing when random students would stop me to ask for directions. In the mood that I was in, the only rational thing to do was point them in the wrong direction. Which I did.
At around six o’clock, I planted myself on the lawn across from Alix’s building, leaning against the same tree I’d befriended earlier in the day. I sat there, nursing a cup of coffee and feeling extremely creepy. I hoped the coffee at least made me look semi-normal, though I doubted it. I should have brought my textbooks with me. Of course, I hadn’t entirely planned out this particular adventure. In fact, I hadn’t planned to visit Baldwin University at all. I was going to do what any normal, sane, twenty-one year old girl would do after a night like the one I’d had: wander around the apartment, moping.
So how I got from A to B is beyond me, but there I was, sitting on the lawn across from my girlfriend’s (ex-girlfriend’s?) dormitory building, sipping lukewarm coffee and waiting patiently for who knew what.
The “what” in question crossed in front of me promptly at six o’clock. I watched as her purple head with its black-clad body firmly attached made its way up to the entrance. The door opened on cue and she stepped inside, while a tall guy wearing a baseball cap walked out.
Sighing to myself, I took a sip from my caffeinated companion. Frankly, I hadn’t yet decided what I was going to say to Alix once I knocked on the door. I was quite aware that following her around campus and planting myself in front of her building for hours at a time was probably not the best way of going about getting to talk to her. But it’s not like I’d been scoring any points with her recently.
Forty-five minutes later, I disengaged myself from the tree and threw away the empty coffee cup in the nearest trashcan. Then I stood by the entrance to Turner Hall and waited for someone to either enter or leave the building so that I could sneak in. It took about five minutes of standing there like a loon, but finally a guy opened the door for me and I walked inside. Alix’s room was on the third floor and I passed by several open doors, which reeked of stale smoke and incense. Loud, unidentifiable music drifted down the corridor, muffling the sound of random conversations.
Despite the fact that I took my sweet time getting there, I soon found myself standing before room 335. I stared at the door for a few minutes, as though captivated by the decorations adorning the wooden surface. Half the door was occupied by a large bulletin board, which housed a dry-erase board. Someone had written the message: Alix, Jade called @ noon in red ink. I could feel my bravado weakening with each passing second, so I forced myself to knock on the door before it disappeared all together. The first knock was soft and received no acknowledgement. So I knocked harder the second time, putting as much will power and determination as I could muster into each stroke of my knuckles.
As the door opened, I held my breath.
Confused green eyes stared up at me from the crack in the door. “What are you doing here?” If she was angry with me she didn’t sound it.
It was my turn to say something so ingenious that she would have no choice b
ut to kick the other girl out of the room and invite me in. “Is this a bad time?” I asked, giving myself more time to think of why exactly I was there. I was also giving her an opportunity to turn me away . . . but I had to give her that option. She deserved that much. She deserves a lot more than that, you jerk, my conscience promptly supplied. My brain nodded in silent admission.
Alix glanced warily behind her shoulder. “I was kind of in the middle of something,” she said, turning her attention back to me. I could tell by her tone that whatever it was she’d been in the middle of doing didn’t fill her with joy.
Feeling a burst of confidence, I said, “Well, I kind of wanted to talk to you about something.” Not knowing if that was enough to convince her, I quickly added, “It’s important.”
She hesitated a second longer, then opened the door and walked away. I took the gesture as an invitation to step inside. I closed the door behind me and stood awkwardly for a moment before taking note of Melanie sitting Indian style on Alix’s bed. She did not look at all happy that I’d shown up. Quietly, I studied the dorm room, not because I didn’t remember what it looked like, but because I had no idea what to say.
Alix’s side of the bedroom remained wallpapered in posters in much the same manner that her room at home had been. I particularly loved the solo shot of Steven Tyler hanging vicariously over her bed. I wondered if that was whom she prayed to instead of God . . . Or maybe she just found comfort in not having to stare up at a blank ceiling all the time. Who knew? She was certainly still a mystery to me.
Her desk, which rested directly to the right as I walked through the door, was kept neat. There wasn’t much on it, except for a gray Toshiba laptop and accompanying printer. A copy of Stone Butch Blues rested over the computer. Interesting choice in literature. I would’ve never taken her for a Fienberg fan. Next to the desk was her bed, neatly made for a change, and covered in black sheets. Her roommate’s bed served to form an “L” against the adjoining wall. Next to that bed was her roommate’s desk, which was currently stacked with books. There were a couple of dressers standing side by side against the other wall, and a Persian rug on the floor.
Once my inspection ended, I returned my gaze to Alix who was standing with her hands in her pocket in the center of the room. Melanie was still sitting on the bed, looking suddenly confused and out-of-place. Ignoring her presence completely, I said, “You didn’t call me last night.”
Alix glanced at Melanie, then sharply at me as though wondering why I was starting this while her guest was in the room. “I never said that I would.”
I pulled the desk chair out from under the table and took a seat. I couldn’t believe my own nerve. Had I been Alix I would’ve taken a bat to my head eons ago. I nodded in Melanie’s direction. “Would you mind giving us some privacy?” That’s right. Be all the bitch that you can be. That’s the way to her heart.
Melanie turned her head toward Alix, as if hoping that Alix would come to her defense by kicking me out of the room. When Alix didn’t say anything, she rolled her eyes and picked up her books. “Later, Alix.”
Awkward silence lingered between us even after the door slammed shut. There was so much I wanted to say but no words with which to say them, so I said nothing.
Alix sighed, crossing the room to sit down on the bed. “I can’t decide whether I’m more annoyed that you showed up here like this or more grateful.” She ran a hand through her hair, letting it fall back around her eyes. I couldn’t help but stare at her.
“I suppose both would be equally valid,” I said, tearing my gaze away. Her beautiful eyes always managed to wreak havoc on my senses. I sat back on the chair, wishing I’d rehearsed some kind of speech before barging in here. “I’m not entirely sure why I’m here,” I found myself admitting.
“I thought you said it was important?”
I forced myself to look at her, attempting to read her mind. “It is.” Shrugging slightly, I added, “I just haven’t figured out what it is yet.” Feeling frustrated, I rose to my feet with no particular destination in mind. I just couldn’t sit. I avoided her gaze at all costs as I paced around the room. Her eyes followed me for a moment, then she lay back on the bed and stared up at the picture of Steven Tyler. I wondered what she was telling him.
Feeling foolish, I sat back on the chair and stared down at the rug. After a few minutes I cast a glance in her direction, surprised to find her staring at me. She quickly looked away. “What?” I ventured to ask.
Green eyes darted back to meet mine. “Nothing,” she responded, and the lead singer of Aerosmith reclaimed her attention once again.
Why did women have to be so complicated? “What are you thinking?” I asked, and subconsciously cringed, half-expecting her to repeat her earlier response.
She seemed to hesitate, her gaze still glued to the ceiling. “Did you figure out why you’re here?”
I know why I’m here . . . I just don’t know how to make you understand . . .
“I talked to Jessica.”
Already? Hiding my surprise, I said, “Oh?”
“She wants to talk to you personally.” She paused, then added, “I didn’t tell her anything. Just that you were in trouble and needed her help.”
Shit. “Thanks.”
“So, if that’s what you wanted to talk about . . .”
“It’s not,” I added quickly. Not even close. “I’m not entirely sure that what I want to talk about is really . . . something we can talk about.”
Alix stared at me expectantly.
So, I searched my mind for the right words; for a way to explain everything that I wanted to say. In the end, I just went with the truth. “I couldn’t let things end with last night . . .”
She regarded me, her face impassive. “Isn’t that why you told me? So you could end things?”
“Not with you.” Never with you . . .
She sat up, running a hand through her hair again. “What with me, then?”
I stared at the Metallica logo on her tee shirt. “I don’t know. I just didn’t want to lie to you anymore.”
She fell silent, her gaze dropping down to study the intricate patterns on the solid black comforter. I sat back in the chair, wondering if I’d ever get myself out of this mess.
My eyes wandered to where she was sitting, taking the opportunity to study her now that she wasn’t looking. I took note of the black Joe Boxers that had replaced the baggy jeans I was so used to seeing on her. I tried not to frown at the thought of Alix dressing so casually for Melanie and a pang of something I vaguely recognized as jealousy shot through my heart. “What are you thinking now?” I asked softly.
She lifted her head slowly to look at me, and it was then I noticed the tears trailing down her cheek. I’d never felt so helpless. “What do you want from me, Valerie?”
My brows furrowed in surprise. “What do you mean?”
“You don’t want things to end with last night. How do you want them to end then?”
My mouth opened to respond, then shut again.
“What do you want me to do?” she continued, her voice rising with desperation. “Tell you I forgive you so that you can feel better? Pretend that nothing happened? I can’t do that,” she said, softly. “I can’t forgive you for this . . .”
Every nerve in my body felt numb. The pain so intense I felt my body shut down. “I didn’t expect you to forgive me,” I whispered, but I had. Some deep part of me had hoped that she’d do just that. That she’d understand why I’d done what I’d done and be able to look past all the lies and the deceit. But no one was that forgiving. I knew that now.
The numbness turned to anger. Without a word, I rose to my feet and walked out of the room, hearing the door slam shut behind me. In a daze, I walked past decorated doors, down the blue-carpeted floors, down the stairs, through the front doors to the world outside.
Fuck it all, I thought, as I jumped into my car and drove off into the night. The broken-heart tattoo gleamed proudly on my breast,
reminding me of my promise. Never fall in love. Never fall in love . . .
Chapter 6
“I want to see him.”
Chris’s eyes darted up from the paperback novel in her hands. If she was surprised to see me, she hid it well. With a flick of the hand, the book landed on the wooden surface of the coffee table in front of her, making a sound that reminded me of my first grade teacher’s ruler hitting my desk. I did my best not to flinch at the memory.
Chris rose from the black leather couch in the living room of her expansive estate. “How’d you get through security?” Her question bordered on rhetorical. She walked across the white carpet on her way to the mini bar and poured herself a drink.
“You should get better security,” I responded. “Any idiot could get in here.”
Chris smiled and sipped from her glass, her eyes fixed on me. “You’re hardly an idiot,” she said finally. “Although your behavior recently has been a tad questionable.” She returned to her spot on the couch.
“Let me see Aaron.”
Dark brown eyes narrowed for an instance then relaxed. “Sit.”
I hesitated briefly, but complied.
Chris studied me for a long moment, taking occasional sips from the amber liquid. “You look like shit, Val. Wanna talk about it?”
My brow rose. “You’re not my friend.”
“I’m not your enemy either.”
“Aren’t you?”
Her mouth creased into a smile. “No. An enemy would not have allowed you such liberty in this matter.”
I acknowledged the truth of her words. “Why then?”
She shrugged. “You saved my life. It’s not something one’s bound to forget.” She leaned forward, placing the now empty glass on the coffee table. “It’s really a shame that this had to happen, Valerie. You and I were close once.”