by Eliza Park
We were in the cafe for a long time, talking about absolutely nothing and yet somehow everything. We ordered food that I actually ate, possibly to spite Maverick, and I was beginning to really enjoy the company of my own peer group. From what I could gather, Mandy was really interested in the taller soccer player with the blue eyes, and with the way the redhead blushed every time the other player looked at her, I had a feeling she was into him. Which meant I was kind of on a triple date. Another new experience for me.
“So,” Mandy said then, “Have you been looking at a dress for the Spring formal?”
Her question was directed at me, but I had no answer. “Oh, my mom usually just sends one.”
Mandy gaped at me. I didn’t understand why the difference in our apparent privilege was so strange to her. She went to the same private academy I did, and by the looks of her designer purse and boots, her family wasn’t hurting for money. “Are you seriously telling me your dresses for the last two years were just sent to you?”
I nodded.
She shook her head in disbelief.
“Your mom has amazing taste.” The redhead said.
I raised my glass of water to my lips.
“Do you know where she gets them?” Mandy asked.
I shrugged, “She’s friends with lots of designers, I’ve never really taken notice.”
Mandy and the redhead exchanged a look I knew too well. Spoiled. It said.
Coming from a family with a lot of money had its perks. Lots and lots of perks. And I wondered sometimes how I would feel if I’d been raised normally, went to a normal school with normal people, maybe even had two parents who had to work to support a household full of kids. When I was younger, I would dream about the siblings I could have had. The games we could have played, even the fights.
“Why are you even talking about Spring Formal? It’s months away.” The blue-eyed soccer player said with a groan.
Mandy gave him a pointed look, “Because, Cameron, it’s the biggest event in our horribly repressed teenage lives. It’s Saint Bridget’s version of a prom.”
“Without the king and queen,” Eli argued.
“I am so grateful for that, I hate the whole concept of those popularity contests.” The redhead said.
“Me too,” I agreed.
“Why? You would be a shoo-in for Prom Queen, if we had one.” Mandy said to me.
I laughed, “I feel like you guys have this whole image of me in your heads that doesn’t actually exist.”
The table went quiet, and I glanced around, confused.
“Well, I like you much better than any image I had before,” The redhead offered to me with a smile.
“Me, too,” Eli said, his shoulder nudging mine.
“Anyway,” Mandy said, putting her palms solidly on the table, “I’m going to go walk around some more. Anyone want to join me?”
We all stood to leave, and I put my coat back on, an uneasy feeling in my stomach. I didn’t know what rumors had been spread about me in the last few years, but I knew they were probably all my own fault. I ostracized myself from my own group of peers by hanging out exclusively with Maverick and choosing not to participate in any extracurricular activities.
Eli kept his arm around my shoulders as we walked from shop to shop, and although he didn’t say much, it was comforting to have him there, to know he didn’t see me as some untouchable prom queen pariah with an arranged marriage and a wealthy dad. When the sun started to sink a little lower behind the horizon, we headed back for the train station, and Mandy went on and on about Spring Formal and the Model U.N trip coming up.
The train ride back to the dorms felt endless and I knew I’d missed taking another dose of meds somewhere. My brain was beginning to go haywire, but my body felt numb. I kept flexing my fingers in my lap to make sure they were still attached. Mandy’s voice was drowned out by a low-pitched buzz and I stood, excusing myself to the bathroom despite being nearly at our destination. I was unsteady on my feet on the way to the sliding car door, but I managed to open it and slide it closed, fumbling around in my purse for the orange bottles. I dumped the contents of one into my hand, staring at the small white orbs. For a brief moment, the idea of taking all of them raced through my mind, but I batted it away, pushing all but two back into the bottle, and swallowing them dry.
I stared at myself in the mirror, shivering. My hair was so bright, too bright, like the color of unfiltered sunshine, and my eyes were too wide and too green. An image of the professor from the other week split through my mind with a flash of white and I winced, spinning away from the mirror. My hands were shaking, palms wet with sweat. I felt the train lurch to a halt then and knew my time was up. I’d have to exit the car if I wanted to seem in any way normal and not like I was having a personal crisis in the bathroom.
My fingers found the latch with relative success and I slid it open, refusing to look back into the mirror as I slipped back into the train’s main hall. Eli was waiting for me by the giant metal door, a smile on his beautiful face. “You okay?” He asked, the concern so evident I could have squeezed him.
“Yeah,” I greeted him with my own shaky smile, hoping he didn’t notice the way my body was trembling before the meds would take effect. I walked by him through the open door and joined the others on the platform. We walked together back to the dorms, the sun almost completely behind the horizon now. Mandy and the redhead, whose name I still somehow did not know were about to enter the girl’s dorm but stopped to wait for me.
“You’re on the first floor, aren’t you?” The redhead asked. “We can walk you there if you want.”
“Oh,” I said, surprised, “I—.”
Eli interrupted then, “Actually there’s something I’d like to talk to Celeste about, if that’s okay?”
The girls shrugged and walked away, not even waiting for me to give an answer. Eli walked along side me into the dorm room. The nun on duty was napping with an old paperback on her chest. Eli snorted, “Such great security you have in this place.”
I shrugged and we turned down the long hallway, “What is it you want to talk to me about?” I asked, trying to suppress the hyper amount of nerves fluttering over my skin. It usually didn’t take more than 20 minutes for the stuff to start flowing through my blood stream, but every second without it was agonizingly slow.
We stopped in front of my door and turned to face each other. He looked nervous and unsure, taking his hands out of his pockets, and then putting them back in again. “I really like you, Celeste,” he said, caramel eyes watching mine.
I wanted to be stunned, I wanted to feel elated and joyful and miraculous like the situation itself was. But I couldn’t. I was shaking and hyper, my brain lighting fires from one end to the other. I smiled, trying so very hard to relax any part of my body, and opened my mouth to talk.
Eli leaned forward then, capturing my mouth with his in our first every kiss. He was a little rough, grabbing me by the arms and pulling me to him in a way that I normally would have found sexy, but at the moment was simply jarring. His mouth was weirdly wet, but I blamed my own stupid brain for even thinking that.
I was kissing Elliott Ramirez. Holy crap.
It was happening, it was finally happening, and my own damn body was ruining the moment forever. I pulled away from him after a moment, unable to stand feeling his lips on mine in this manner any longer, and forced a grin onto my face, trying not to wipe the moisture from my mouth. “I like you too,” I admitted, “Would it be alright if we slowed down a little?” I looked up at him, realizing I wasn’t ready for something as serious as being liked by the guy I’d worshiped for so long. Or maybe I was, but I didn’t realize it because my brain was screaming at me to get away from him.
Eli looked sheepish and straightened his coat, “Yeah, of course, I’m sorry.”
“No, I’m just—.”
“We can go super slow. Like, molasses slow.”
I laughed, “Okay, that sounds good.”
&n
bsp; He leaned in then and kissed me gently on the cheek. “I’ll maybe see you tomorrow?”
“Sure.”
He turned and left, looking back at me for a moment with that wide silly grin on his face.
I jammed my key into the lock and slipped into the room, closing the door behind me, and leaning my back against the sturdy wood, sliding slowly to the ground.
Then I felt it. Finally. The slow easing of my nerves, the drowning of the fire in my head. I put my head in my hands and leaned forward, both hating and loving the calm feeling that washed over my entire being. The trembling eased and that familiar gray haze returned.
I had definitely overreacted to Eli’s kiss. I probably looked like a nut case with how quickly I turned him away.
A knock on the door behind me jolted me into reality. The lights were still off in my room and I stood, turning them on before opening the door.
Maverick stood on the other side, his face a stoic block of controlled anger. He looked half awake, dark purple rings under his eyes, and I guessed we’d gotten about the same amount of sleep last night.
Briefly I wondered if he’d seen Eli drop me off.
“I just wanted to apologize for being an asshole yesterday.” He didn’t step into the room.
“I’m used to you being an asshole, Mav. Just not to me.”
He looked down at his feet, running a hand through his hair. When his icy blue eyes met mine again, I felt floored by the torturous look lurking behind them. “I know. I shouldn’t have said what I did, there’s no excuse for it. Can you forgive me?”
I smiled easily, “Of course.”
He nodded but didn’t move. He was so sad, so full of remorse, I could almost feel it rolling off of him in waves. “So, you and Ramirez, huh?”
I shrugged, “It would kind of seem that way.”
His expression was unreadable, but I could tell from the slump in his shoulders that he was disappointed. Neither of us said anything for a moment and I watched as his expression went from blank to confused to angry. He let out a harsh breath and looked like he wanted to run for the doors.
“Mav?” I said, half amused, “Why are you so upset?”
His face contorted into frustration, and even then he managed to look so classically handsome. “Celeste you can’t be with that guy. He’s not actually interested in you, just your…situation.”
“What situation?”
Mav dragged his fingers down his cheeks. “He’s a poor kid on a soccer scholarship trying to date the only girl in school who’s extremely wealthy father owns a professional soccer team.” He paused, watching my reaction, “And you’re—you’re not exactly stable, Celeste. You’re kind of an easy target.” “
I coughed out a laugh. I knew I should be shocked, but I also knew how present I was. One day flowed uncontrollably into the next to the point that some days I wasn’t even sure how I got dressed in the morning and made it to class. “Hold on, didn’t you come here to apologize for being an asshole?”
His jaw clenched, “I need you to understand what I’m saying.”
“I do.” I started, “But, who cares?”
He closed his eyes briefly, tilting his head back to point his chin to the ceiling.
“Am I supposed to live like every guy who finds me attractive is just pretending to get to my dad? We both know I could get engaged to the Prince of Wales and he wouldn’t show up to the wedding, and I don’t think that’s any secret.” I lifted my hands in a helpless shrug, “I’m sorry we don’t get to fuck around anymore, but there are plenty of other skinny blonde girls who aren’t screwed up that would be happy to take my place.”
Mav took a step towards me, “It’s not about the sex, Celeste.” He said quietly and reached out to touch my cheek before his hand fell back down to his side, “It’s more than that. So much more. You think Eli will be there for you when you wake up in the middle of the night screaming?”
I swallowed and looked away, uncomfortable. “I won’t let him spend the night.”
“You’re not going to sleep with him?”
“That’s not what I said.”
He blinked and ran that long fingered hand through his dirty blonde hair again, “You sure you want him?”
I wasn’t. For the first time, I really wasn’t. But it felt far too late to turn back now. “Yeah.”
He nodded, “Okay, Ace. I’ll leave you alone. You’ll tell me if you need anything, right?”
“Sure.”
He stared at me for a moment and then shifted, glancing down the empty hallway, “I’m going to up my course load and graduate a semester early. I got early admission to the top school on my list.”
“Congratulations, Cap, that’s amazing.”
The expression he gave me then made me feel sick to my stomach, and my recently discovered heart shattered into a million tiny pieces.
“I love you, Ace,” He admitted with a breaking voice, “Be careful.” Maverick turned and walked away from me. I watched him go for a minute and slowly shut my door, walking over to my closet to pull out another brand-new uniform. I spotted something in my woven hamper, a familiar white shirt that didn’t belong to me, and moved to pick it up. It was one of Maverick’s t-shirts. Just a simple one with red lettering scrawled across the front. Without thinking, I brought it to my face and inhaled, remembering the smell of his cologne. I’d see Mav in the halls until Spring. And then he’d really, truly be gone. Off to start his incredible new life in…New York? I couldn’t remember which school was at the top of his list. I folded the shirt and tucked it into my closet under some sweaters I’d never wear, then moved over to my bed, falling onto it face first. I closed my eyes, giving into the calming effect of my meds and trying to ignore the horrible feeling growing in the pit of my stomach that I’d just made some sort of huge mistake.
Spring
Chapter 10
Maverick
I lost her.
I fucking lost her.
To Ramirez of all people.
After spending the entire day waiting in her goddamn hallway while she gallivanted around St. Moritz with her new friends just so I could apologize for being a giant douchebag, I lost her anyway. It had taken all of my willpower not to smash his head into the wall when he kissed her.
My only consolation was that she looked like she wanted to throw up when he did.
That asshole.
Now it was Spring, only a couple of weeks till graduation, the shitty Spring Formal, and the U.N trip. I’d managed to avoid watching any more barf-worthy necking going on, but that was mainly because I tried to avoid the two of them at any costs. Every fucking time I saw them together in the halls the rage in me skyrocketed to unprecedented heights. She looked at him like the sun shined straight out his ass, and I hated him with every tiny nerve and fiver and molecule in my body. It was difficult, and by difficult, I mean nearly impossible to concede to her obvious happiness. She still looked high 100% of the time, but as far as I could tell from a distance she was showing up to classes and making an effort.
I’d repeated my request to Bohanan not to speak to her until I thought she could really handle it, emphasizing the whole legality of the situation and reminding him how powerful her dad was. He was obviously disappointed, but consented, not wanting to ruin probably the only chance he had at a relationship with the only remaining tie to his dead sister.
I focused on my classes and kept my head down so I wouldn’t have to tear my gaze from the smiling couple and the forlorn uncle, using every spare moment to prepare for my first semester at college. After graduation I was starting at Yale in September as a freshman, out of this fucking hellhole forever. I wouldn’t have to watch that beautiful, damaged girl who’d taken my fucking virginity moon over some other lower-class asshole. I kept tabs on his behavior, paid attention to the rumors, ready to break open his nuts if he hurt her in any way. He remained flawless, walking her to class, holding her books, acting like a 50’s gentleman.
T
he fucker.
According to the soccer team rumor mill, they hadn’t had sex yet, not that I really wanted to know when it happened. I was still holding the tiniest flicker of hope that she’d dump him over summer break.
I waited every night to get a text or a call from Celeste or the resident Nun in her dorm about the screaming or the gasping, but it never came.
I didn’t bother trying to move on with any other girl. I knew no one could compare. I had offers, which was a nice ego boost, but the girls my age were quick to hurry in another direction when their pointless flirtation was met with a cold scowl. There was one girl, Mandy something, who began flirting with me completely out of the blue almost the day after Celeste and Ramirez got together. I did consider her offer, knowing she was in the same grouping Celeste now belonged to, but I couldn’t bring myself to get involved, unsure of what my rage would do if I was ever in their presence for too long a time.
As the end of the term approached, I started to give a small shit about showing up with a date to the dumbass bullshit dance Saint Bridget’s threw at the end of every academic year. I knew Celeste was off the table, but even knowing that information, when I spotted her alone at her locker on a Tuesday morning, I couldn’t help but approach her. I was in an unusually good mood that morning and had to resist the urge to feel her soft hair between my fingers when I leaned against the locker next to hers.
She gave me an easy smile. It had been a long time since we’d talked, and she reminded me with sass, “You deign to stand among us mere mortals today, oh scholarly one?” She offered me a sideways look and I could see that her eyes were clearer than they had been since the last time I’d seen her up close.
“You’ve been reading too much Greek mythology.”
“You’re right, you’re less like a god and more like an imp.” The flash of mischief in her green gaze was emotionally flooring.