by Brynn Hale
His hands work the button on my jeans and the zipper’s gone and then I’m lifting my ass off of the desk so he can work the tight jeans down my legs.
As soon as the denim is down my legs, the heat of his mouth trails up my thighs, igniting my body. Blood pulses between my legs, reading my body for what’s in store. His tongue delicately flicks over my panties.
“Fuck, you smell like my mom’s honeysuckle bushes.”
I suck in a quick breath as he does it again, burying his nose right into my clit. My body shivers and I moan, “Yes. Yes, Macen.”
He looks up. “God, I love hearing my name from your mouth.”
“Get back down there, soldier!” I demand, my chest rolling with gulped breaths.
“Yes, ma’am.” His fingers grab the elastic band of my panties and they slide down my legs. He wastes no time. His tongue delves deep into my body, lapping and tasting everything that is my pure essence. He lifts my feet onto his shoulders and his tongue flicks my clit. Once. Twice. Three times. I fight what’s coming on fast. I want to feel him inside of me, but Mother Nature has other plans. I lay back on the desk, moving my computer out of the way and then lifting my T-shirt and flicking off my bra. And there I am. Bared to him.
Bared in so many ways.
His eyes come up while his tongue dives deep into my body, his thumb rolling over my pearl first with a light pressure and then harder and harder. I’m seconds from detonation when he stands.
“Fuck, you’re delicious!” His T-shirt is gone in seconds. The clang of his belt buckle hitting the floor makes me smile. He slowly lowers his boxer briefs and my gaze trails downward with them.
“I need you, Macen.” I don’t mean just now. I mean forever, but I can’t say it. It’s too raw. But if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that honesty is important from both parties. “I really need you, and I don’t mean just right now.”
His hand strokes his hard cock, those Adonis ledges scooping my view down to what’s fantastic. His long and thick cock drips glistening juices from the tip. His man goods are good…really good.
“I’ve never needed anyone like I need you, Dharma.”
The pull to feel him is overwhelming. Completing the primal need of two bodies, cementing a connection. I lift my feet to the edge of the desk, giving him invitation to my body. “Please…I’m so close, but I want to feel you when I come.”
His hazel eyes light up. “Condom?” he asks as his hand threads into the hair behind my neck and his lips slide across my chest, nibbling and sucking each nipple until my mind is a swirling cloud. His hand follows behind them, moving lower and lower.
“I’m clean and covered. You’re clean?”
“I am.”
“Then make love to me.” I wrap my legs round his back.
I swear in his eyes I can see his secrets, his fears, his doubts, and his desires. He’s opening up to me.
His actions are confident, and his gaze never trails from me. The same curves that turned off one man, clearly don’t turn off this man.
As his hazel eyes soften, he lifts my legs to his chest and slides my ass to the very edge.
“Tell me if it’s too much.”
We still as he presses to enter my body and when he does, I gasp in pleasure. Being stretched and rubbed internally like never before. He slowly proceeds, something in him knowing this isn’t my first time, but my first in a long time. Just like him.
I wrap my legs around his waist and draw him toward me. I shake as he seats deeply inside of me. Deeper than I’ve ever experienced. Something so right, and so primal between us.
Every crease and hard ridge of his cock, glides in and out. The pressure builds deep in my stomach and lower, lower. I moan, trying to concentrate on the physical, but my heart keeps wanting to tell him. To tell him that I’m falling. Hard.
“Macen, I…I think I…” But before I can tell him, my body takes over.
His cock plunges, hard and deep, almost to my limits. The last stroke ignites a natural phenomenon inside of me and a bodyquake climbs from my soul, exploding at the surface and contracting every muscle in my body. I reach for him and pull him down to press his hard body to mine, the peak continuing while he thrusts powerfully. His grunts and moans bring me back to earth, only to find my body sparking another explosion.
He’s an orgasm god.
“Macen, I’m almost there again.”
“Fuck. I don’t think I can…” he struggles for breaths as he slows his thrusting, showing me impressive control. “Like that?”
I whimper, the tingle burning, my body only wanting more. “More, please.”
“Like this.” His hips speed up, his hands tangling in my hair. “Come with me, Dharma. Watching you come is amazing.”
My body burns from the inside out, sparks light fireworks through my nerves until I scream out his name and his lips crush to mine, burning the moment into my memory.
He grunts and plants deep inside of me. His bursts coating me, warm and slick.
“Fuck…Dharma…I think I love you.”
And there is it. He’s said it. The words sweeter than anything I’ve ever heard.
My heart pulses hard in my chest. “I know I love you.”
His hands cup the sides of my face. “I love you.”
For hours we explore each other’s bodies. I lose count on how many orgasms I have and the depths of how close I feel to him. He shows me how much he loves me, and I return the sentiment. And in the end, we lay on the couch, in each other’s arms.
“I can’t be a part of your journey in therapy now, Macen.”
“I understand. You have someone in mind?”
“Dr. Vidia, a therapist down the hall, is great with veterans and PTSD. He can help you.”
His body tenses and he almost seems to shudder away the tension. “Thank you for everything you’ve done. I don’t think I’d have had this much progress with anyone else. I feel alive again.” His head drops into the crook of my neck and he calms himself with a couple deep breaths. To see him so passionate and intense makes me melt.
I brush a hand down his face, lifting his chin. “But you’re not alive yet. You need to come back from the dead. You don’t know how much this is killing me. How much I want to be with you, but you need to be fully back and out of Black Ice before I can be with you forever.”
He nods. “I understand, baby. I’ll put in my notice and I’ll make an appointment to see Dr. Vidia.” His lips press to mine, and the kiss deepens and I can feel that another round is well on its way. My hand rocks along his cock, blood pulsing to harden the flesh. My lips rock down his neck and his hand clasps my breast, rolling my nipple between two fingers.
“Oh, God…I swear I could come just from you doing that.”
“Then come, baby…” His lips land on mine and his tongue rolls slowly, taking me down the vortex of love with him.
His phone buzzes in his jean’s pocket on the floor, a weird frantic rhythm. “Shit.” He leans back, every muscle in his body tenses.
“What?”
“That’s the round-up signal for a mission.”
My stomach turns sour and I feel like I’m going to vomit. “But you’re not going to go, right?”
He rolls off the couch and stands. “I’m not out yet. I have to. I’m locked in the contract for thirty more days.”
The Universe has a way of giving lessons when least expected. My lesson is that I leap quickly and fall hard. I try to tamp down the feelings that become volcanic in my stomach, boiling furiously.
My jaw tightens and I stop my hands from fisting as I stand and pull the blanket off the back of the couch to cover up. “Then they have the power over you. What if they’re successful this time? What if this isn’t a real mission and they take your life, Macen?”
My bottom lip quivers, but I don’t give into the tumbling emotions. If he doesn’t cut the co-dependent cable that’s holding him to Black Ice, then he’ll never get his autonomy back. He’ll never
feel like he’s in charge of his life. And he’ll just give up to their will, numb and cold.
He faces off with me and I can see the soldier returning to his demeanor. He’ll always be a soldier, but he doesn’t have to be a robot.
“I’ll be back.” A tight smile settles onto his face and I can’t help but think it’s still beautiful, even while my heart feels cracked.
I try to smile, but I know the corners of my mouth just aren’t lifting. “It was nice working with you, Mr. Renault.” I hold out a hand to him to shake and his face drops the smile.
“Please don’t be like that. This is my career. I have to go.” He slips in close, his hand scooping behind my neck. “I’ll be back. I promise, Dharma.”
His lips press to mine with the softest pressure and when I open my eyes…
He’s gone.
8 Macen
I get back to the compound in time for the briefing. Mexico City. Family of five. Hostages. Father’s been shot in the leg and needs medical care, not life threatening, but in the circumstances, not good. Ransom of three million being collected and will be available on the ground. It seems cut and dry and almost too easy.
“What’s the family’s last name?” I ask.
“They don’t want it released. This is all hush-hush until we get there,” Ridgway, this week’s commander of the squad, and newest but possibly best trained member, says. “Black Ice will give the info, if needed. We know their first names and that’s enough.”
I lean over the plans, my knuckles pressing into the piles of papers. “Fuck that! I don’t like it. We need to know all the info to be safe. Black Ice has been keeping more and more from us. They like having the control and it puts us in danger.”
“Halsey…” Patton’s hand grasps my shoulder. “Let’s go talk.”
Everyone in the room looks to each other as I shove the paperwork to the middle when I straighten.
Before leaving, I turn back. “This isn’t the way and you all know it. We deserve nothing less than clarity. We deserve to know everything. We deserve to live.”
Outside the double doors, Patton leans back against the wall next to me. “She’s amazing right?”
“What did you say?” I can barely hear him over my crashing heartbeat.
“Dr. Howard, she gets to the bottom of what’s stopping us from moving on. I’d say she did her job with you, like she did with me.”
I tip my head back and look at the ceiling, seeing the cracks that I never noticed before. “But why can’t I leave then?”
“Commitment to duty. That’s basically part of our DNA. We have to unlearn some things to become human again. Or maybe you’re not sure you’ll be okay on the outside. Coming back from the dead isn’t easy, Halsey. Murphy and Bronson made it look easy, but it couldn’t have been. Hell, Murph found out he has kids—two grown and married women he never got to know. Bronson found out he wants kids. That’s adult-level shit that I never ever thought I’d see happen to either. Who knows what’s out there for us.”
“All I want is Dharma.”
He sighs. “You don’t have to go. We have enough guys here.”
“Yeah, I do.” I stand up straight. “But this is it.”
He holds up his hand and I clasp it and we pull together for a bro-hug.
Patton smiles and I can feel we’re both someone new, people with hope. “She’s incredible, man. Let’s get this done and get you back to her.”
Forty-eight hours later
“More pressure. Hold it right there. Farragut, you get the one in his shoulder.”
My body shakes. Every inch feels like ice and I swear I’m listening to a TV show on in the background. But I’m not.
I know the voice, but I can’t think of anyone’s name. My head spins but the world feels like it’s in slow motion. People huddle over me, but every face is the same.
Hers.
“Halsey. Halsey…hold on. No, don’t fucking close your eyes. Fight it. Halsey.” Someone’s hand rocks my jaw and slaps my cheek. “Stay with me.”
I blink and see Patton there. “How many?” I say as I the pain sears through me, the block of endorphins slowing.
He doesn’t say anything for a long time. “Just hold on. We’ve got a surgeon ready in Cancun and we’re only twenty-minutes out.”
“Anyone else?” I cough through the words.
“No. You took the brunt going in first.”
I swear something wet falls on my face and I narrow my eyes at him. “Stop your fucking crying. I’m not going to die.”
He huffs. “Technically, you’re already dead.”
Everyone in the back of the van chuckles uncomfortably.
Fremont leans over me. “I’m done with this fucking bullshit.”
“Did we get them out?” I ask.
Patton and Fremont look at each other and I know.
I was right.
I was right, but that doesn’t help me right now.
I fight to stay awake, but the gray settles in from the crevices of my eyes.
“No. Fucking fight.” The words are gritted from Patton.
I close my eyes. “Just tell Dharma I wanted her to be my more and I’m sorry.”
9 Dharma
It’s been almost two weeks and I haven’t heard from him. I try to pretend that I’m not hurt, but I decide it’s better to just feel than to push the pain down. And so I start on my journey through grief. I read books on it and they only make me mad enough to throw them in the garbage, because they’re just that. Garbage.
What do they know? They don’t know what I’m going through. They don’t understand.
And it’s nothing that I don’t know.
I’m in trouble. In two days, I fell in love and then I watched him walk away, again. I’ve tried to text him, but I thought maybe that was against Black Ice rules and I didn’t want to get him into trouble, so after a couple texts five days ago, I decided not to do it again.
Maybe he’s just getting things settled before he gets out? Maybe he’s changed his mind? Maybe he’s just another man who’s come and gone from my life?
I force myself to be present for my appointments. I put on the everything’s fine face, but every client asks me, What’s wrong, Doctor Howard? Apparently, I’m not good at brave facing anything. I tell them that I’m just a little tired, but all is good. They believe it. Or they decide to drop it. Either way they go back to what’s wrong in their worlds and I listen, and I help them to figure it out. When inside I’m tumbling down.
I shuffle my way to my car and since it’s Friday, I get texts from my girlfriends to go out, but I’m not interested in being hit on or drinking my pain away. Neither is not going to help me to feel better.
Or bring him back.
At my duplex, I see a black SUV with dark tinted windows, and my stomach feels punched. Something isn’t right.
Two guys exit as I step from my vehicle. One I know and one I don’t.
“Jake?” I ask and the guy with him stills.
“Jake?” he asks, his head rearing back.
Jake waves him off. “That’s my real name.”
“Oh.”
“Can we talk to you, Dr. Howard?”
I don’t know what to say. Right now, I know nothing. Right now, I can believe he’s coming back. And right now, I can fool myself into thinking everything is okay. But that’s not good for anyone. And I need to know the truth.
I nod and they follow behind me.
Inside my home, I offer drinks, but they decline.
Jake sighs. “It’s Halsey—”
“Macen,” I say. “Macen is his name.”
He rubs his hands together. “Okay, Macen. The last job didn’t go as we planned, Dharma.”
As soon as he uses my first name, my stomach rises into my throat.
He can’t be gone. He just can’t. He was already dead. People can’t die twice. I tell myself every lie that I know is just my head justifying. He’ll walk through that door and we’ll all
laugh.
“What happened?” I ask, closing my eyes.
“We were ambushed. Macen was lead. He took four bullets.”
My shaking hand covers my mouth. “No…” I shake my head as my eyes blur and slicken. “He didn’t fucking deserve that.”
Jake looks down and I can see how this is hard for him, too. I reach to his hand and clasp it.
“Dharma, he’s…” He swallows and a soft smile comes over his face and he squeezes my hand. “That S.O.B. is a fighter. He’s alive.”
I shake my head and drop his hand as tears stain my T-shirt. “And you couldn’t have started with that?!” I stand. “Where? I want to see him. I need to see him. Take me to him!”
Jake stands. “He’s on the compound about twenty miles outside of town to the east, but I can’t take you there.”
“Oh…” I plop back into the chair. “Is he okay?”
“He will be.”
“Thank God.” My chest hiccups with a couple of sobs.
The other man speaks up. “He asked us to tell you something.”
“Okay…”
“He said that he wants you to be his more in life and he’s sorry.”
I let it all out and Jake wraps his arms around my shoulders. “He promised me he’d come back to me.”
“And he will. He’s just going to take a little longer.”
“Will he be…”
“Doc thinks he’ll make a full recovery. Probably going to be a couple months, but knowing him, he’ll take less time than anyone expects.”
“Will you tell him something for me?”
The guy stands. “Anything.”
“Tell him I love him and I’m waiting for him.”
10 Macen
One month later.
I sit on the back deck of the compound. The team hasn’t had another mission since the one to Mexico City. The company hasn’t disbanded the group, but one of the guys was recruited for another team they’re developing in the Rocky Mounts of Colorado, the Platinum Vanguard Tactical—PVT, or Pivot for short. Black Ice can pivot all they fucking want. They’re the reason I haven’t been able to see Dharma, on lock down in the compound for thirty days. It’s a cooling off measure, and in my case, I was hooked to ten machines for most of that time.