Off the Record

by Sawyer Bennett

  I pat the couch beside me. "Want to come cuddle and I'll protect you? The zombies may bite but I don't."

  I'm half joking, half not. There's a part of me that wants her soft body pressed up next to me, and there's a part of me that hopes she takes the joke part and shoots me down with a sarcastic comment. That's the part that knows I'm playing with fire here, because my baser instincts are starting to take over. I want Ever, but it would be the worst possible move for me to make.

  She looks at me, glances back at the TV--which has a particularly gruesome scene going on--then back to me. Then she stands from the couch, and for a split second, I think she'd going to leave. Instead, she crawls up beside me. I lift my arm and she scoots in closer, pulling her feet up and tucking them under her hip. My arm casually settles in over her shoulders.

  The smell of her shampoo immediately assaults me. It's that same strawberry-vanilla scent I had noticed before, and for some reason, the thought of strawberries has me thinking about her lips again.

  This is such a bad idea.

  I turn my attention back to the TV and try to pay attention. But I can't. Ever's body is warm against mine and her sweet smell is driving me crazy. Without thinking about it, I pick up a lock of her hair with the hand that's resting over her shoulder and rub it. It's so soft...just like her skin.

  I glance down at her and she's not looking at the TV. She's staring down at her lap, her eyes half closed. For a minute, I think she's falling asleep but then she says softly, "This isn't going to work."

  Releasing her hair, I ask, "What's not going to work?" My voice comes out raspy and I think it's because my throat is so dry.

  "Sitting so close together."

  I cautiously remove my arm from around her shoulders. She looks up to me and fuck me silly, I see desire in her eyes. I am so unprepared for that look to be coming from her, I have no words.

  I'm practically struck stupid when she says, "I want to kiss you, Linc."

  Holy fuck a duck! I practically groan over her words. I've been fantasizing about kissing her all afternoon and evening, but in a million years I never thought she would want to kiss me back.

  Then a thought strikes me. What if she's setting me up? What if she says she wants to kiss me, to induce me to make a move on her? So that she can write that Linc Caldwell is the man-whore she claims me to be.

  No way am I making a fucking move right now. I wait with my breath held to see what she'll do. She stares at me for a few moments, those cornflower eyes unblinking. I still see desire there and a small kernel of hope flares inside of me that she truly does want me.

  Then she raises up on her knees and my gut tightens. She lays her hands on my chest and leans toward me. Her eyes leave mine and travel down to my lips, and it takes all of my willpower not to crush her to me. As her lips near mine, I close my eyes in anticipation of what she'll do.

  At first, all I get is a whisper soft touch, and I'm not sure if it's her breath or her lips that make contact with mine. She brings one hand to my face, and just rests it gently there. Her thumb smoothes along my cheekbone.

  She places her mouth over my bottom lip and lightly kisses it. She moves to the corner of my mouth, and kisses there as well. All so light and soft, I can barely feel them. She lets out a soft sigh of pleasure and my dick throbs in response. She's hardly kissed me but my body is reacting viciously to her.

  I wait for another kiss but it doesn't come. Instead, I feel her swing a leg over my lap and she's straddling me. My eyes fly open to stare into her impossibly big and impossibly blue ones. She brings her other hand to my face and is cradling it gently, but the look in her eyes is anything but soft. The level of desire I saw before pales in comparison to what I see now. She looks like she wants to eat me up, and the monster in my pants hardens even more.

  "I'm going to really kiss you now," she says and I cannot stop the groan that comes out of my throat. My hands clench and unclench at my side. I make no move to touch her because I still want to see what she will do, but it's killing me not to grab and kiss her hard.

  She finally lowers her lips to mine and presses in. She uses the force of her lips to push mine open and that sweet tongue slides in. Mine is there to meet hers, touching lightly, tentatively. She makes a soft exploration of my mouth. Her lips feel like satin against mine.

  When she takes her arms and wraps them around my head, pushing our lips harder against each other and her tongue in deeper, I can't hold back anymore. I need to touch her. I allow my hands to come up and grab onto her hips. Nothing more at this time, as I'm still afraid as to where this may go and what it will mean for our relationship going forward.

  Instead, I allow myself the pleasure of getting lost in this kiss. And it's a kiss like none I've ever had. I don't allow myself to think forward to what may be, but concentrate on what is now. I let myself experience the sensations surrounding me. Her sweet smell, the softness of her lips, the way her teeth just nipped at my lower lip, the surge of lust that is zinging through my body.

  And then she lowers herself onto my crotch and rubs herself against me. My hips involuntarily tilt up to meet her softness and both of us softly moan at the touch. I am seconds away from ripping her clothes off and I cannot let that happen. I am not going to prove her right. I am going to show her that I am so much more than a guy who is only interested in screwing women.

  So very reluctantly, my hands move from her hips to her shoulders and I push her gently back. I keep pushing until she scoots all the way off my lap. Leaning toward her, I take her face in my hands and place a kiss on her forehead.

  "I think it's time I head to bed," I say as I stand from the couch.

  She's confused, I can see it on her face. But hell...so am I. I don't know what to do with this situation and I need some time to figure it out.

  I don't look back at her as I walk away.

  I'm beyond confused. I'm stupefied and frustrated. I'm angry at myself, and angry at Linc.

  It's been four days since that kiss.

  That amazing kiss!

  I've tried to analyze my actions. I've tried to reconcile my feelings. I'm not coming up with one damned thing that makes any sense to me.

  I'm going to blame Halle Berry. The sex scene in Monster's Ball was so animalistic and heated, that I immediately started picturing me and Linc in that scene. And the minute I did that, I went red with embarrassment...because the object of my fantasy was sitting just two feet from me.

  By the time he invited me to cuddle with him, I was a raging mess of hormones. All I could think about was kissing him, about having his lips against mine, and his hands all over me. I still cannot reconcile who this woman is. I am by no means a prude, but I am also not someone that would come on to a man so intently. I'm usually not bold enough or confident enough in myself as a woman.

  Add in the fact that my sexual ego was practically smashed by Marc, and you should have a woman that is content to stay inside of her shell.

  But apparently, Linc Caldwell does something to call to my inner sex goddess.

  I had no control over my words. Once my lips touched his, I had no control over my actions. All I know is that suddenly, I'm looking at Linc Caldwell in a different light and I want him...badly.

  Unfortunately, he doesn't appear to want me. He broke the kiss and went to bed. He gave me a platonic kiss on my forehead and left me alone in the living room, my body screaming for something that only he could give me.

  And since that moment four days ago, he hasn't said a word about it. He's acting like it never happened, and I'm taking my cue from him. He apparently wants to put it out of his mind, and I'm trying to do the same.

  But damn it all to hell...I can't. There is no way I'm going to forget that kiss and what it could have led to.

  And to make matters worse, Linc has been unfailingly polite to me. We still run together every day, and I've joined him for his workouts. I even went back to the hospital again to see Kyle with him. I almost would prefer it if he w
as angry with me or something.

  I glance over at him now. We're driving out to his father's house for a cookout. I made a pasta salad to bring and Linc stopped at the store to grab some beer. I'm actually thankful that we are doing something today that involves other people. Something to alleviate a bit of the tension swirling between us.

  I think back to the other day when we were eating lunch after visiting Kyle that first time. I had asked Linc why he didn't tell me about his visit with Kyle and he told me it was because he couldn't trust me not to think the worst about him. He expected me to take something that he was doing from the goodness of his heart, and look at it with such skepticism, that I would never have believed the genuineness of his actions.

  And it saddens me that my own distrust has caused Linc to hide a bit of himself from me.

  Did I do that to Marc in any way? Was I too remote with him and that caused him to fuck around on me?

  I think back over my relationship with Marc. Sure, in the beginning, I was very closed off. I was suspicious of him and his actions. When he first told me he loved me, I almost laughed at him. It was only through his perseverance that I finally wore down enough to open up.

  But now I'm wondering if I really let him in all the way.

  "Are you coming, Ever?"

  I blink and look around. We've pulled into the driveway of Linc's childhood home and I had not even realized it. Linc is actually standing outside his car door, leaning in to look at me.

  "Are you okay?" he asks.

  I shake off my worries about Marc and the way I treated him. I try to put that phenomenally fantastic kiss out of my head.

  "I'm fine," I say as I get out of the car.

  Linc's father turns out to be one of the nicest men I've ever met. And it both warms my heart and gives me a pang of jealousy to watch him interact with Linc and Nix. They laugh and banter about with an ease that bespeaks of an unbelievably tight bond among them.

  There is a lot of love and respect there. Something I'll never have with my father. I don't know if I even feel love for my dad. I know I don't like him. And I'll never respect him.

  "So, Ever...what exactly did my son do to get you so riled up to write that article about him?"

  We are all sitting around a large patio table in Hank Caldwell's backyard, having just gorged ourselves on barbequed chicken. I feel like a deer caught in the headlights. Everyone is silent, waiting for me to answer. I glance at Linc, but his face is impassive. I look back to Hank, and he has a look of genuine curiosity on his face. Thankfully, I don't see any anger, and I heard no bitterness in his voice. Nix has a sly smile on his face and Emily...well, she's glaring at me which has been her look of choice all afternoon.

  But damned if I can think of a thing to say. I swear I can hear crickets chirping in the distance, the silence is so oppressive.

  Taking a shaky breath, I say, "Um...Mr. Caldwell...your son didn't do anything. I wrote an article before checking my facts and my anger. It's as simple as that."

  Hank chuckles. "Oh, darlin'. We all do things when we're angry. It takes a strong person to admit when they're wrong. That takes courage and I respect that."

  His words are so very kind, and frankly, I didn't realize how much I needed them. The tension in my shoulders eases. I glance around the table again. Both Nix and Linc are smiling with good nature at me but Emily still looks like she has some poop rubbed under her nose.

  I just don't get how Linc can so easily forgive me and how Nix and Hank seem to be fine with me, yet Emily is still holding a grudge. But I intend to find out before we leave.

  And it's not long before I get my chance. Emily heads into the house to grab a few more beers. I follow right behind her, not saying a word as I get up from the table.

  As soon as I corner her in the kitchen, I cut straight to the heart of the matter. "Is our friendship irrevocably broken?"

  I catch her off guard and she turns to look at me. Her eyes are distant and that makes my heart sink just a bit. But then she surprises me. "Maybe if you told me why you did it, I'd have a better understanding."

  Emily reaches into the fridge and pulls out two beers. She hands me one and I open it up to take a sip. Looking at her, I tell her the best way to sum up the reason for my actions. "Okay...here's the half empty. I think my father broke me. I think he fucked me up so bad that I take the slightest mistake by a man and blow it out of proportion. There's a good chance I'm so seriously fucked up that I'll never have a healthy relationship."

  I watch as Emily's eyebrows rise higher and higher on her forehead while she listens to me. When I finish, she says, "Wow. That's a good reason."

  I smirk at her but the truth is I just laid my heart out on the line. I don't talk about my father with anyone. I hold my beer up to her in mock salute. "Daddy issues are usually the best."

  "Linc seems to have forgiven you."

  "Yeah. He's a pretty great guy I've come to find out."

  "I'm glad you're seeing that. It's why I was so mad at you."

  "Was? As in past tense?"

  "Yes. Past tense. I suppose I should forgive you, too. I don't want to be odd-man out."

  I grab Emily in a hug. "Oh, thank God. I was afraid I'd have to do some serious groveling."

  Emily hugs me back and then steps away. "So, what's going on between you and Linc?"

  "What do you mean?"

  Leaning back against the counter, Emily just looks at me with a knowing smile on her face. "Don't play dumb, Ever. There's something going on between you two. Linc keeps staring at you like you're an oasis in the desert and you keep doing the same. The problem is, neither one of you are noticing it about the other."

  I groan. I can't believe I'm that obvious. And I can't believe I'm that oblivious. "I kissed him."

  "You what?"

  I groan again. "I kissed him. I totally came on to him, straddled his lap and kissed him."

  "What did he do?"

  "He kissed me back. And for a while, it was amazing. Frankly, the most amazing kiss I ever had. But then he pulled away and gave me a brotherly kiss on my forehead. We haven't spoken about it since."

  "Hmmmm. That's odd."

  "I know, right? I mean, isn't Linc legendary with the women?" I take a long drag on the beer. "I suppose I'm just not up to his standards or something."

  "That's ridiculous, Ever. You're gorgeous and smart. Any guy would swallow their tongues to get a taste of you."

  I smile at her. "That's sweet of you to say, but I'm not feeling it. I mean, what would you do if Nix pushed you away."

  Emily is the one that smiles at me now, and her look is positively devious. "Oh, you poor girl. You shouldn't have asked me that. Nix did exactly the same thing to me. He was trying to be altruistic or some shit like that."

  Really? That's interesting. "What did you do?"

  "I came on to him hard. He didn't stand a chance."

  "Are you suggesting I do the same thing?"

  "Absolutely. If you want him, why not go for him."

  I'm silent. There's no reason why I can't. I'm young and single. Marc was my first, and Linc probably won't be my last. But there is something that is holding me back.

  "Here's the thing, Emily. I don't want a relationship. I'm done getting my heart trampled on. I think if I did anything with Linc, it would just be sex. Is that wrong of me?"

  "Hell no. That's how it started with me and Nix. But you need to be careful. I know you think you both know what you want and what you don't want, but things tend to shift once you make it to the bedroom together."

  "Well, that is if we make it to the bedroom together. I just don't think I can take the lead in this. I was too embarrassed when he pushed me away the last time."

  "How about you just play it by ear and see how things unfold. But, Ever...please don't hurt him again. He doesn't deserve it."

  I swallow hard, because I know that I do have the power to hurt Linc. I've already done it to some extent, just by the mere fact he didn't trust me
enough to tell me he was going to hang out with a sick little boy.

  The more I think about that kiss...that freakingly extraordinary kiss...I can only conclude that I have not given Linc any real reason to trust me. If anything, he has all the reason in the world to distrust my every action.

  Ever and I are driving through what is left of the town of Smithfield, Oklahoma. Ten days ago--and ironically on the day I met Ever at my party--an EF-5 tornado tore through and pretty much obliterated everything in its path.

  "I can't believe we're here. This is just terrible." Her voice is delicate and awe struck.

  The tornado had been a major news story because of its size and I knew that I would participate in the recovery at some point. I had been waiting until AmeriCorps started posting about volunteer opportunities, checking their website every day. Yesterday morning, they finally had a schedule of clean up recovery and were asking for people to sign up.

  I didn't wake Ever up to run. Instead, I got on the phone and made plane and hotel reservations. I called two of my teammates, and asked if they wanted to go. They were up for the adventure and I gave them the hotel information. They said they would meet us there.

  When Ever came out of her bedroom at about 8:00 a.m., she was rubbing her eyes and yawning. "How come you didn't wake me up to go running?"

  "Because I didn't go run today. I decided to let you sleep in a bit."

  "Oh...thanks."

  "Don't thank me yet. I'm getting ready to put you to work. Go get packed. We're heading to Oklahoma in three hours."

  "Excuse me?"

  "We're going to go spend a few days helping to clean up from that tornado."

  "Really?" Her voice is excited.

  I smile at her. "Really. Now go pack. Make sure you take some long sleeve t-shirts and some jeans or other sturdy pants. Hiking boots if you have them. We'll get some safety goggles and gloves when we get there."

  She scurried off to pack and I handled some last minute arrangements. As promised, within three hours we were airborne and headed to Oklahoma. We flew into Tulsa which is where we will be staying. Smithfield is about fifty miles away and we couldn't get a hotel anywhere nearer to the devastation. Most of the hotels were booked with other volunteers or recovery workers.