I stare at the attachment and my anger builds again.
Before I can think twice, I right click the file and delete it. I then go into my Deleted Items and permanently remove it from my computer.
It's time to move on from Ever Montgomery.
Tonight, the boys and I decide to forego a nightclub, instead opting for a popular bar with a band and outdoor seating. This is a good thing because I don't like to dance and Niko and Zane are pretty awful to watch. They have mad skills on the ice but they look like complete dorks on the dance floor. It's why I don't dance...because I suck at it.
We are watching the band play 70's cover music and drinking iced cold beers from The Phoenix Ale Brewery. It doesn't take long before we are recognized and the same thing pretty much happens each night. First, some guys will recognize us and come over and ask for autographs. Word will spread, and then the ladies come up. These are usually the ones that are genuinely interested in the sport, and a lot of them can spout more knowledge of hockey than some of our own players.
Then come those ladies that want to get in our pants. They are usually scantily dressed, overly forward and don't take offense if you say no. But if you show interest, then you can have one in your lap and offering a blow job within a matter of minutes.
I've watched this show play out each night I've come out with the boys. They've tried to get me to join in on the action. I always politely declined and tell them I'm just picky. There's no way I was going to tell them I'm still stuck on some woman back in New York.
But I think to myself that maybe I need to get unstuck. Tonight...maybe I should let loose. I'm young...I'm single...and hey, it's what I used to do before I met Ever. She's gone. Now there is nothing stopping me from jumping back into the game.
I pound beer after beer and after the sixth one, I'm feeling pretty good.
"Hey, Linc," Niko yells across the table at me. He's way drunker than I am and his Russian accent is getting thicker by the minute. "Plenty of hot women tonight, no?"
He says that as a petite redhead squirms on his lap.
Yup. He's getting lucky tonight. I glance over at Zane, who is standing beside our table talking to two women. They look really young and I hope he checks their ID's before he takes one--or both--home.
I pound another beer and decide to walk up to the bar rather than wait for our waitress. A fleeting image of Ever bursts into my head and I immediately banish it. I deleted the last thing connecting me to her today and I need to let it go.
Warm fingertips on my arm cause me to glance down. A well-manicured and tanned hand rests there. I follow the arm up and glance into the blue eyes of a knockout woman. And fuck if she doesn't look similar to Ever. Except...well, she's tanned where Ever is fair. And although she has dark hair, it's curly and she wears it off of her face. Her eyes are lovely, but they are not as big and round as Ever's. She's taller than Ever too and her tits are bigger no doubt. I can't help but notice because they're spilling out of the scrap of a dress she's wearing.
"You're Linc Caldwell," she says. I recognize her New York accent so it's no wonder why she recognizes me.
"Yup, that' me," I respond as I pay the bartender and grab my beer from him.
"I'm a huge fan." She removes her hand and I look at her skeptically. "I used to have season tickets to the Rangers until I moved here a few months ago. That shut out you got against Philadelphia in the first round of the playoffs this year was phenomenal."
Okay...the woman knew her hockey.
"Thanks. I just happened to have a really good game that night."
She cocks her eyebrow at me. "Good game? That was a fantastic game. You stopped forty-seven shots that night, but I would expect nothing less from the goalie with the best goals against average in the NHL this past year."
Holy shit! She really knew her hockey. I don't even remember how many shots I faced that game.
"That's impressive you know that," I compliment her.
She shrugs her shoulders. "What can I say...I love hockey."
"Can I buy you a drink?"
"Sure. I'll have whatever you're having."
I turn to the bartender and order another Camelback Pale Ale.
"What's your name?" I ask her, handing her the beer.
"Melissa." She sticks her hand out for me to shake, and her grip is firm but her skin is soft. I feel a stirring. Oh, not below the belt, but something inside of me says I should put my moves on her. Maybe the old Linc Caldwell is ready to come out and play.
I open the door to my house and walk in. Melissa follows behind me, looking around at the mess. "Sorry it's so disorganized. I haven't unpacked everything yet."
"Not a problem. I understand."
Dropping my keys on the kitchen counter, I turn to look at her. It wasn't hard getting her to come home with me. In fact, had I not suggested it, I'm sure she would have. We spent about an hour at the bar, talking and drinking. I had finished off a few more beers and I was nice and drunk. I liked this feeling. It numbed the pain and I hadn't thought about Ever in the last hour.
Well, shit...I thought about her just now, but I'm not going there.
Melissa watches me, promise in her eyes.
Come on, Linc. Make a move. She's yours for the taking.
When I don't move toward her, she takes the lead, peeling the front of her dress off of her shoulders and shoving it to her waist. Her breasts bounce free and I can't help but roam my eyes over them.
"What are you waiting for?" she asks in a husky voice.
What am I waiting for?
I take two steps and then I'm kissing her. My hands go to her breasts and I knead them, eliciting several breathy moans from her. She fumbles at my pants and it doesn't take long for her to unzip them and push them to my knees. She then drops to hers, intent on sucking me down.
I grasp her head and look down at the ebony curls framing her face. Her blue eyes are staring up at me, almost waiting for permission. My hand runs through her hair and it's stiff from an overload of hairspray. It's not soft, like Ever's.
Her eyes aren't as wide or sparkling.
Her skin looks over baked by the sun.
When she wraps her hand around me, I feel...nothing.
Because she's not Ever.
Stepping back quickly, I pull my pants up. "I'm sorry," I grind out. "I can't. This isn't going to work."
I expect her to pout, to beg or even to whine. Instead, she stands up and pulls her dress back over her breasts. "You're in love with someone, aren't you?"
I give her a hard smile. "Am I that obvious?"
She gives a light laugh. "Any man that steps away from that is either gay or his heart completely belongs to someone else. And Linc Caldwell...I can tell...you're not gay."
"I'm really sorry," I tell her again. "I didn't think that would happen. I was trying to move on."
Her look is wise and sympathetic. "Maybe that's your cue that you shouldn't be moving on."
I call Melissa a cab and walk her to it. She gives me a chaste kiss on the cheek. "It was nice meeting you, Linc. Good luck to you."
"Thank you," I tell her. But what I need luck for I don't know. Just because I couldn't let her blow me didn't change anything between me and Ever.
That was still over. I just apparently needed a bit more time for the old Linc Caldwell to get his game back.
I'm standing outside of Linc's house, petrified to move toward the front porch. I had felt so empowered to come here, and beg his forgiveness. Now...I am full of doubt and fear. This is probably a dumb idea. He'll probably throw me off his property and I'll go back to New York with my tail between my legs.
But then movement catches my eye. I can see Linc walking through what appears to be the living room. I can't see him clearly but my heart rate escalates. A yearning courses through me that is almost painful. And my feet start moving toward his front door.
I ring the doorbell once, and he opens it almost immediately.
I don't know what I expec
ted, but it wasn't the bland, impassive look on his face. I think I had been hoping for joyous, and this wasn't it.
"Hi, Linc."
"What are you doing here?"
Okay, so that's not very welcoming but I can't turn around and leave yet. "Can I come in...to talk?"
He stares at me for a few seconds, and I think he may refuse. Then he steps aside and motions for me to enter.
His house is a mess. There are packing boxes all over the place, even though he's been here for almost a month. Empty takeout containers and water bottles litter the living room. This hits me hard, because Linc is a freakishly clean person. He couldn't stand anything to be out of place at his condo in New York.
"I like your house." I'm making up lame conversation because I don't know how to go about groveling to him. I'm hoping inspiration will strike me at some point.
"Thanks." And that's all he says. He looks at me expectantly but he's wary. It hurts that he looks almost afraid of what I might say.
I walk over to the French doors that lead out into his backyard. "I didn't take you for one that would want to maintain a yard."
Another lame comment, and maybe I'm subconsciously stalling. What I really want to do is throw myself in his arms and have him tell me he still loves me. But that's not going to happen. That only happens in romance novels.
"Ever...seriously, what are you doing here?" He sounds tired and if I was a betting woman, I'd bet he probably wants me to leave him alone by the tone of his voice.
Okay. It's time for me to go all in.
"Nix told me that he sent you the article I wrote. I was kind of expecting to hear from you after you read it."
Linc rakes his hand through his hair, the sure sign of nervousness that I know so well. He looks up at me, eyes somber. "I didn't read it. I deleted it without reading it."
Oh. Now that hurts. I almost turn around and walk out his front door. This man is done with me and it was foolish for me to even try to win him back. But the truth is, I came here ready to do some serious groveling and I can't let those words knock me off course.
I decide to try a different tact.
"I went to see my father."
Now there's a positive reaction. Linc almost looks like he is getting ready to smile. I mean, it never reaches his face, but I think there was a moment that it looked like he might. I take that as encouragement, no matter how slight it may be.
"We had a good talk. And you were right. He didn't try to justify his actions to me. In fact, he told me there was no justification. He just wanted to let me know that it was all of his fault. That there was nothing I did wrong. That he was just weak. Then he apologized to me."
I was hoping this would stir Linc into some conversation, but he just stares at me, so I press forward. "He spent some time telling me that love has to do with the power of forgiveness. It made a lot of sense to me...I guess because I actually decided for once to look past my own hurt."
"Then what happened?" Finally...some interest from Linc.
"I forgave him...with no hesitation."
Linc sits down on the couch and motions me to do the same thing. "That's quite the turnaround. I didn't think you would ever do that."
I grip my hands in my lap and look down at them. "I wouldn't have. Had I not lost you."
I glance at him and he looks shocked. "What do you mean?"
Taking a deep breath, I try to relax my hands. I smooth them over my knees, terrified beyond belief that Linc will not listen to me. "I really wish you'd read my article." I reach into my handbag and pull out a copy, handing it to him.
He doesn't take it. "I'm not sure it will make any difference, Ever. I've spent a lot of time trying to move past you."
My eyes are pleading when I say, "But what if it does? What if it can make a difference?"
He just stares and me and doesn't reach for the paper in my hand. I start to panic, because it's clear that Linc is not going to be swayed.
"Fine," I say. "I'll read it out loud. And if you want to interrupt me and throw me out, go for it. But you'll have to drag me out."
He gives no reaction, but he doesn't throw me out.
I read the title out loud first. "How Linc Caldwell Made The Biggest Save Of All".
Glancing at him, I can't tell if he's even listening to me or not. He's leaning back on the couch and is resting his head against the cushion. His eyes are closed.
I push forward.
"I am a complete idiot. Let me first just say that. Most of you have vilified me for writing an article about Linc Caldwell several weeks ago, proclaiming him to be a 'love 'em and leave 'em' kind of guy.
I was wrong.
So very wrong.
Let me tell you the absolute truth about Linc Caldwell.
He is a tremendous athlete. He dedicates his entire life to doing the best that he can for New York. He is conscientious, driven and loyal to his team.
Linc Caldwell is a family man. He loves his father and his brother beyond reasoning. He loves children, both the sick and the healthy.
A man that knows his own mind, Linc is not afraid of his feelings. He swims in emotion, and a mere look can make you feel what is in his heart.
Yes, I learned a lot about Linc Caldwell over the last month and a half. But I learned more about myself. You see, I learned that I am a weak woman. I am selfish, unforgiving and judgmental. I am the type of woman that is so wrapped up in her own self-pity, that I couldn't see the very best life had to offer standing right in front of me.
I used Linc. I let him provide me friendship and comfort. The mere touch of his hand on mine made all of my dark demons roll over and die. His understanding of my weaknesses was beyond generous.
Linc Caldwell taught me more about myself in just six weeks, than I had learned over a lifetime of mistakes and recriminations.
So how did he make the biggest save of all?
He taught me that some things in life are worth risking pain to experience. He taught me that I am worth loving. He gave me back my own self-worth. I would not be worth a dime store loaf of stale bread if it wasn't for Linc Caldwell and his teachings.
He is the one for me.
How do I know?
Because he made me cry. That's right...he caused me to break down into a gelatinous pile of tears and snot. And that's not a terrible thing. You see...I had not been able to shed a tear out of my desert eyes since I was sixteen years old. Even though I had been given plenty in life to cry about. He made me feel, and it is beyond wonderful.
The mere fact that Linc had the power to make me cry brought a startling revelation to myself. Yes, he's the one.
Linc Caldwell believes in the power of love. And now, so do I. My only regret is that I hope my actions have not caused Linc to become the jaded soul that I once was. I hope he understands that he is beyond magnificent and he should never change his ways.
I hope he will forgive me for the pain I caused him. But actually, I know he will. Because the power of forgiveness is not something that Linc Caldwell needs to be taught. He is the one that taught it to me.
If by some chance I have hurt him beyond repair, and he will not give me the forgiveness I so desperately need, I want him to know that I will continue to lead my life by the lessons he taught me. He needs to know that he helped me to fix myself, and I will never fail to live up to the new expectations he has helped me to desire.
There is really no way to end this article, except to tell Linc that I love him. I love him more than is humanly possible to love another creature. He asked me to follow him once, and I said no. I just want him to know that I am ready. That I will follow him to the ends of the earth if he will have me.
Linc, if you give me the chance, I will spend every day of my life making sure you understand how much I love you."
As I finish, I realize that tears are streaming down my face. It's hard to believe just a few short weeks ago, I would have never let them fall. It's cathartic, and no matter what Linc does from this moment
forward, I vow that I will never hold them back again.
Linc doesn't move. His eyes stay closed, and his face looks...pained. I wait, and I wait. Nothing.
My heart plummets and my stomach rolls over. I have failed and Linc is not willing to give me a second chance. I deserve it, I know. But it doesn't make it hurt any less.
I stand on shaky legs and pick up my purse. Walking to the door, I feel my heart breaking with every move. Cracking and tearing open, shredded beyond repair. Just as I reach out for the doorknob, I feel his hand on my shoulder.
It's warm and soft. Then he slightly grips it, turning me around. I keep my eyes on the floor because I'm afraid of what I may see. Is it a goodbye? Will it be the forgiveness I need in his eyes? Could my hope beyond hope of love be reflected?
His hands come to my face and gently cradle me. He uses his thumbs to wipe the moisture that is still raining.
"Look at me, Ever," he softly commands.
I drag my eyes up and I almost reel backward from the blazing emotion that is hitting me. It's almost too powerful for me to understand. My heart is thumping madly in my chest.
Linc leans in and softly kisses my lips, tasting the salt of my tears. I can't help the grateful sigh that seeps out. The kiss deepens and I feel like I've come home.
Pulling away is hell, but I need him to hear it from my lips. "I love you so much, Linc. I am destroyed without you."
He smiles at me and it's gentle. "I know, baby. I got the message."
"Please say you forgive me. I need you to forgive me." A sob comes out and I could slap myself, because I don't want to give into my extreme angst right now. I want to relish every bit of this conversation.
He pulls me into his chest and just hugs me, smoothing his fingertips over my back. His lips touch the top of my head, and he says, "There's nothing to forgive. My girl loves me, and I love her. That's all we need."
Relief rushes through me and I squeeze him tightly. My words are muffled in his chest and I hope he understands when I tell him, "I'm so sorry. So sorry for hurting you. I will never hurt you again. Please believe me."
Linc draws away. "Shh. Enough of regrets. We're moving forward, okay?"
"Yes...forward. Thank you so much for giving me a chance."
Linc takes one of my hands and kisses it gently. "Ever...you are a very brave woman. I know you have very sound reasons for rejecting love. I know how scary it is for you. I'm just amazed at your spirit, and your determination. You...humble me actually."
Off the Record Page 18