by Hart, Rebel
Cecilia shot up beside me. “I’ll get him back sometime this week. And thank you for answering all my questions.”
She shook my stepmother’s hand, too. “Anytime. I’m going to give you my information so you can contact me any way you wish. Phone. Email. Stopping by. You’re welcome anytime.”
“I’m confident my stepson’s in good hands with you. Just make sure those reckless kids can’t ever get behind the wheel of a car again and hurt anyone else.”
Nichols nodded. “Don’t worry. My firm and I will take care of it. Cases like this are easy ones.”
After exchanging information, we left the law office. And I felt another massive weight roll of my back. It became easier to breathe. My legs didn’t feel as sore. It was as if some of the chains had fallen away, allowing me a few inches closer to the exit of this terrible dungeon I’d been stuck in for years.
Cecilia wrapping her arm around my waist pulled me from my trance. “So, I know this is terribly irresponsible of me to ask. But, how do you feel about me picking us up a six pack of cold beers for the night? There are some things I want to talk to you about. Things we have yet to discuss.”
I snickered. “Beer? I thought you were a wine person.”
She shrugged. “I have my surprises every now and again. Do you have a beer you prefer?”
“I’m honestly not really a beer person.”
“I shouldn't be shocked that you know that.”
I chuckled. “How do you feel about a wine and whiskey night?”
She unlocked her car. “Sounds like the only thing I need to pick up is food, then.”
“Oh, what about that Indian place across town? Their curry and naan is fabulous.”
“The little place with the bright pink roof?”
I slipped into the car. “Yep! That’s the one.”
She dipped in beside me. “Indian food with some wine and whiskey sounds fabulous. What do you usually order, other than the curry?”
“Their curry, extra jasmine rise, and garlic naan. You?”
“I love their chicken tikka masala. Extra spicy. With two orders of rosemary naan and their mango milkshake.”
“They have mango milkshakes?”
“Oh! You haven’t lived until you’ve had one of those. I’m going to get you one.”
And as she cranked up the car, a smile crossed my face. I was in completely uncharted territory with her right now. But I loved it all the same. My stepmom was a lot cooler than I’d given her credit for. She was a completely different person from what I had assumed her to be.
I enjoyed spending this time getting to know her. Having her open up to me. Feeling as if I could rely on her.
I just hoped this conversation she wanted to have tonight ended with us sticking together instead of splitting apart.
30
Raelynn
“I can’t wait for Michael to see you in that dress.”
Allison pulled into my driveway. “If he ever asks me to prom. And I still didn’t find a graduation dress for myself. Mom’s going to kill me.”
“Oh, boo. You needed a prom dress anyway. And that thing looks perfect on you.”
“You think?”
I smiled. “The dark purple with the pale yellow under the tulle? You’re going to look like the next Disney princess.”
She smiled. “I’d like to find some yellow shoes. You know, to keep the continuation of the colors going.”
“But do purple jewelry, if anything. Small items. You definitely want people focused on that dress.”
She giggled. “Look at you, getting into fashion and all that.”
I rolled my eyes. “Don’t get used to it. Clint’s stepmom can only rub off so much.”
I reached over and gave Allison a tight hug. Then I gathered my things. I’d ended up finding myself a nice casual dress for graduation. I mean, I had the money in my account. It was already marked down on sale anyway. Why not? It fit me nice. It didn’t have to be altered. And I already had a pair of flats that would go well with it. It wasn’t a color I wore regularly. The pale blue and white swirls were definitely brighter than my entire wardrobe put together. But the cotton dress would breathe, according to Allison. And it was sleeveless. Came just above my knee. So, it would be light enough for the California summer heat.
“Are you seeing Clint at all tomorrow?”
I opened my door. “I’m not sure. But, if I don’t, want me to give you a call?”
Allison paused. “Actually…?”
I waved my hand in the air. “Tell Michael I said hey. And have fun. I’ll see you Monday.”
“Love you.”
“Love you, too.”
I slipped out of the van and made my way for the front door. I went on inside, knowing it would be unlocked. Allison and I had stayed out far longer than I had anticipated. It was nearing dinner time, and I smelled something simmering on the stove. I closed the front door behind me and made my way for the stairs, ready to hang up my dress.
Until Mom’s voice piped up.
“Where have you been all day?”
I furrowed my brow. “Dress shopping with Allison, remember?”
She paused. “Dress shopping?”
“Yeah. I shouted it down to you this morning before you left for therapy. How did that go, by the way?”
“Prom dress shopping, or graduation dress shopping?”
“Graduation dress shopping. I already have a prom dress.”
She coughed. “Wait, you do?”
I nodded. “Mm-hmm. Cecilia gave it to me.”
“Who’s Cecilia?”
“Clint’s stepmom?”
“Since when have you been over at Clint’s? I thought you two were broken up?”
I shrugged. “Not anymore. We worked things out.”
I went to go up the steps, but Mom stood up.
“Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on.”
I held back a sigh. “I have an exam to study for, Mom.”
She walked over to the stairs. “Can I… see you in your prom dress?”
“Maybe later. I really have some studying to do.”
“And you didn’t want to go dress shopping with me?”
I paused. “No.”
I looked over at my mother and saw her eyes swell with hurt.
“I wanted to go shopping with you for that dress. Graduation’s been a long time coming. I thought you wanted to go with me?”
I licked my lips. “Mom, I just—don’t know how to have quality time with you anymore.”
“What do you mean?”
I shrugged. “Just, with everything that’s happened.”
“You mean with D.J.?”
“I mean, in general. But, yes. That includes D.J. I couldn't spend time with you without being around him. And it’s been so long since we’ve hung out that I don’t even know how to do that anymore with you.”
She placed her hand over mine. “Honey, why didn’t you tell me you felt this way?”
I snickered. “Because I was too busy telling you to leave someone who kept smacking you around.”
“Will you at least take out your dress so I can see it?”
“You don’t just want to see it on me later?”
She eyed me carefully. “Why haven’t you asked me about my therapy appointment yet?”
“Okay. How did it go?”
“No, no. That’s passed. Why aren’t you curious about it?”
“Mom, you’re reading too much into things. It’s fine. Things are okay.”
“Things aren’t okay. If there’s anything I learned at therapy today, it’s that things haven't been okay for a while and I simply haven’t seen it.”
“Well, keep up with your therapy sessions and maybe we can start to pick through some of it.”
She paused. “Is that it?”
I rolled my eyes. “Is what it?”
“Do you feel like I’m not going to stick with my therapy sessions?”
“Mom, I don’t have t
ime for this. I have a test I really need to study—”
“In a minute. Right now, we need to talk.”
“No, we don’t. You’re blowing something you’ve always known completely out of proportion. And now, you’re getting in the way of my studies because you want to do something. It’s selfish.”
Her eyes welled with tears. “I’m sorry I can’t seem to do right by you.”
I swallowed my rising anger. “I just need some time. You need to heal, and so do I.”
“Things are over between me and D.J. For good. I swear to you. We’ve had our last fight, Rae. I mean that.”
I nodded. “Then time will tell. Okay?”
She squeezed my hand. “I’m getting better. I already feel better. My therapist and I talked about a lot today. Started unpacking some of the things I never let go of regarding your father leaving.”
“I’m glad. I’m really glad to hear that.”
“I feel like a new person, almost.”
I smiled weakly. “Yes. So, let’s just keep taking it week by week. Okay?”
She squeezed my hand harder. “You don’t believe me.”
“Mom, it’s only been a week. And if you really want me to be honest? I’ve seen you go longer spans of time before accepting D.J. back. No doubt he’ll come up to this door someday with money and flowers and promises of a future together, and that will be your real test. Surviving without him. Making something of yourself instead of being so scared of the world out there.”
She sniffled. “When did you grow up on me?”
“I did it while you were arguing in your room with D.J. and out at the bars on the weekends with mysterious men.”
I knew that comment smacked her across the face. She physically stumbled away from me. Tears streamed down her cheeks and it killed me to hurt her. But at the same time, I had a right to express how she’d made me feel. How much she had abandoned me over the years. How very unlike my own mother she had become the further she slipped into this mania of hers. I shifted my bag into my other hand, giving her the silence she needed to dry her tears. I felt my heart breaking. But, at the same time, she needed to hear it.
Maybe if she finally heard the truth, she’d stick with this new path she had carved out for herself.
“You really believe that little of me?”
I snickered. “Mom, I don’t want to fight tonight.”
She scoffed. “I’m not fighting. I’m asking a question I want an honest answer to.”
“I don’t think you’re little. I think you’re lost.”
“I’m not lost, Rae. I was hurt. And I never recovered from that.”
“And you lost who you were in the process. Don’t you lie to me.”
She looked at me pointedly. “I’m not lying. And don’t you dare take that tone with me. No matter how you view me, I’m still your mother.”
“And no matter what you choose to do with your life, I’m still the daughter you’ve neglected in the process.”
“How have I neglected you, huh? Tell me. You’ve got a roof over your head. Food in your belly. Clothes in your drawers. Tell me how you’ve been neglected.”
I shook my head. “I need to go study.”
“Oh, no you don’t. You wanted this fight, we’re going to have it.”
I spun around. “I didn’t want any fight, okay?”
Mom stood in front of me as I slowly backed up the steps.
“I didn't want to fight with you! I just didn’t want to lie to you! But, that’s what I get when I tell you the truth because you don’t like it. You don’t like your truth. Which is why you need therapy. And I’m proud of you. I really am. But you broke my trust a long time ago when you continuously let an abusive man into this home where I live without asking me how I felt about it once. You broke my trust the second you started relying on that man for money and then preaching to me about how I had to stand on my own two feet and rely on myself. You broke my trust the second you tried to mold me into the kind of girl I am today while denying yourself that same strength because the world out there is too scary and too hard and too judgmental. Well, you know what, Mom? It’s going to take more than a week for that trust to come back. So take it or leave it. Because that’s all I’ve got for you.”
“You don’t believe a word coming out of my mouth, do you?”
I turned my back. “I’ll believe it when I see it.”
I started up the steps, leaving my crying mother to wallow in her own self-pity. On the one hand, I felt like an utter bitch. And on the other hand, I felt relieved. Now that the truth was out there and she knew exactly how I felt, I didn’t feel like a stranger in my own home. Yes, it was a harsh truth. But, speaking my truth helped me to breathe a little easier.
Even at the expense of my mother’s tears.
Hearing her cry downstairs broke my heart. But I didn't let it deter me. I closed my bedroom door behind me and hung my new dress up in my closet. I tossed my purse onto my bed, went into my closet and pulled out my backpack. And as I started pulling my books out, exhaustion washed over me.
I had no more pity to give out to anyone.
I tossed my books onto my bed. But staring at them made me tired. The test wasn’t until Wednesday. I could study in the morning. I turned my eyes back toward my closet. They fell to the luggage at the bottom. And one by one, I pulled them out and dumped everything onto the bed.
I picked out the few things I figured Allison might enjoy. I set aside the sunglasses for Michael. Then I picked out one specific piece of jewelry I wanted to give Mom for her birthday. It had her name written all over it. Big. Beautiful. Loud. Just like her. I sighed as I set it off to the side. Her birthday was next month. I would wrap it up and give it to her. Something nice she could be proud of. A piece of real jewelry, instead of that fake shit D.J. always bought her. I wanted her to have something to remind her of what she deserved. To remind her of the beauty this world had to offer if she simply strived for it.
And after picking out a few more things for myself, I started taking pictures.
I wanted to post everything else online for sale. Because it made me nervous to have all this expensive stuff at the bottom of my closet. I had to look up the pieces of clothing in order to estimate how much to sell it for. And the prices boggled my mind. A few of the less expensive things I set off to the side. I slipped the items into the smallest luggage case I had as a back-up reserve of money. The big things, though, I posted immediately. The more expensive the item, the more nervous it made me.
The more I heard my mother cry, the more I wondered if she could stick with this. I kept posting pictures and getting hits on them. People who were interested. Who were asking for verification of the jewels and diamonds. I worked to answer their questions as more pictures uploaded. Because in the end, I needed a fall-back plan. If Mom fell through with all this—if Mom took him back—I needed enough money for an exit plan. Enough money to run my own life and completely disconnect myself with her. Because I meant what I said.
If he came back, I was gone.
And I needed to be ready for the worst.
31
Clinton
I sipped my whiskey as I leaned back in the chair. It softly rocked, and the fall breeze kicked up. I swear, I smelled the fucking ocean in it. I closed my eyes and relished my full stomach. Lunch had been fantastic, which left us with more than enough to heat up for dinner. And after two rounds of Indian and whiskey, I was feeling limber. Light. Carefree. Relaxed.
Especially with Cecilia.
Things were just comfortable with her. I enjoyed having her in my life. Having her support on things. I never had evenings like this with my father. We either ate in separate rooms or I ordered take-out simply because he wasn’t home. Never had we shared a meal like this. Not even during the damn holidays.
I wonder what holidays would be like with her.
“So, how are you feeling about today?”
I sighed. “You know, I feel good about it
.”
Cecilia nodded. “That lawyer was generous with her offer.”
“She was, yeah.”
“It’s nice to know good people really do exist.”
I snickered. “Maybe she’ll help you with your divorce.”
“I’ve actually already called her about that. She can’t, but she’s referring me to another one of her colleagues that has a really good win rate.”
I nodded. “Good for you. Seriously. I’m proud of you.”
She smiled softly. “But there’s still the matter of you.”
“What about me?”
“You’ll need to stick around here and finish out high school.”
“I’ll figure a way around that. I’ve got a friend at school whose parents have already offered to let me use their spare bedroom.”
“Oh?”
I nodded slowly. “I still don’t know if I’m going to take them up on their offer. I mean, I’d have to find a storage unit. Store all my things. Only take what’s necessary. Then, there’s still the plan of what to do after high school. It would make more sense for me to keep selling things, or finding a part-time job now, so I can get a place of my own.”
“What kind of job would you get?”
I snickered. “Hell if I know. Maybe a cashier somewhere. A sandwich maker or a barista.”
“Mmm, I don’t think I can see you in an apron and a hair cap.”
“It would definitely be a sight.”
I sipped my whiskey as night time slowly fell upon us. The beauty of the sunset faded, leaving us with cars rushing by in the distance. The glow of the city rose above our heads, muting a lot of the stars. The ones that did twinkle seemed to almost be laughing. They flashed and blinked. Flickered, as if they were waving down at me.
But suddenly, I heard a chair scraping across the cement.
I looked in front of me and saw my stepmom pulling up her chair. She sat with me, knee to knee, before digging out her cell phone. She set her wine glass down on the ground, and I couldn't help but notice the glow on her face. She looked radiant. Happier than I’d ever seen her before.