“One… Two…” My voice is shaking as I count slowly. My heart stops just before the last word comes out as a broken whisper. “Three.” I pull the trigger.
CLICK.
“I guess you’re mine to keep now, Princess,” Carter gloats. His eyes are dancing with delight as a large, lopsided, drug-induced smile creeps onto his face.
I sat bolt upright as my piercing scream tore through the air. Ashton’s T-shirt was stuck to me where I was sweating. My lungs were tight so I couldn’t breathe properly. I just couldn’t get enough air in, so it felt like I was suffocating.
Seconds later, the door burst open, slamming against the wall loudly. “Anna! Shit, it’s okay, Baby Girl, it’s okay. I’m so sorry, I fell asleep on the sofa, I’m so sorry,” Ashton cooed. My eyes widened in shock as I looked up at him, still struggling to breathe. He sat on the bed and wrapped his arms around me, rocking me gently. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep out there, I’m sorry,” he whispered, stroking my hair.
I couldn’t focus on anything other than my dream and the crushing horror that was eating me up inside. Carter. Carter’s face. His voice. His wicked smirk. His excited eyes. All of it swam before me, taunting me, hurting me, killing me.
Vomit rose in my throat, so I clamped one hand over my mouth and shoved myself out of his arms. I staggered out of the bed and ran for the bathroom, barely managing to make it before I emptied my stomach into the toilet. While I was being sick, Ashton rubbed my back and whispered soothing words. I pushed on his legs, pointing to the door, signalling for him to leave.
“I’m not leaving you like this,” he stated, getting a washcloth and wetting it, before placing it across the back of my neck as I retched and retched.
I squeezed my eyes shut, gasping for breath. Why that one? Why did it have to be that dream? Other than seeing Jack die on that fire escape, this one was the worst dream that usually haunted me – because right after the incident with the gun, Carter had pinned me to the floor next to the pile of my own vomit and had taken my virginity.
My whole body was shaking as I wiped my forehead, sitting back on my feet as I gasped for breath.
“Calm down, Baby Girl. Take deep breaths and calm down. Everything’s fine, I promise you,” Ashton whispered, adjusting the cool cloth on my neck.
My chin wobbled as I looked over at him sitting on the floor next to me. I could see the pain on his face; he looked helpless, like he didn’t know how to help me. At that moment, my body reacted instinctively. I whimpered and threw my arms around his neck, holding him tightly as I sobbed against him.
He groaned, wrapping his arms around me and rocking me gently until I finally managed to calm down. When he moved to pull back, I shook my head in protest, clamping myself against his chest. “Don’t leave,” I begged. I couldn’t let him go anywhere. I couldn’t go back to dreaming like that again every night, I didn’t want to be without him.
“Anna, let go,” he whispered, reaching up and unclasping my hands from his neck.
Rejection made my eyes sting as I clenched my teeth together and dropped my eyes to the floor. As he stood up, I realised that this was entirely my fault. He was leaving because I’d pushed him away by not trusting him. I’d pushed him out of my life, and I was now going to have to deal with the consequences of that.
Instead of leaving though, he bent down and slipped his arms around me, lifting me easily off the floor and holding me tightly against his body. I looked up at his face, shocked as he pushed the bathroom door open and carried me over to the bed.
Wordlessly, he laid me down and curled around me protectively. Not daring to hope that this meant what I thought it meant, I burst into another round of sobs and scooted closer to him, burying my face into his chest.
“I’m so sorry, Ashton. Please don’t leave, please?” I begged, clutching him tightly.
He stroked my hair. “I’m not leaving,” he murmured, kissing the top of my head. My heart skipped a beat at his words, and I pulled back to look at his face to check if he was just saying that to calm me down. “I’m not leaving,” he insisted, kissing my forehead and cheeks.
“Really?” I whimpered. He nodded in confirmation as he bent and kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes, and a small smile twitched at the corners of my mouth as his words sank in. “I’m sorry,” I croaked.
“I know. It’s alright. Just go back to sleep. I’m staying right here, I promise.” His arms tightened around me as he rested his chin on top of my head. Closing my eyes, I pressed my face into his chest and let his smell waft over me. My heart seemed to slow down as the dread and loneliness slowly receded. As his hand stroked my back softly, I realised that I actually loved Ashton’s smell.
Chapter Eighteen
I woke in the morning trapped underneath him. I was on my back, and he was lying on me, his head on my chest, his arms either side of my body and his bottom half between my legs. He was heavy, but, in a weird way, it was actually a pleasant weight. A quick glance at the clock told me it was only six thirty; I could let him sleep for another thirty minutes. I wrapped my arms around him and ran my fingers through his messy, black hair.
Shame washed over me because I’d doubted him at the gym by thinking that he’d hit me. I should have known better and had more faith in him. My eyes raked over his handsome face and I felt the frown slip onto my face. I was so attached to him already; I really shouldn’t have let this guy past my defences. It scared the life out of me that I needed him. I deliberately pushed everyone away so that I would never have to feel loss again, but I’d felt it last night. I had known him just a week, yet I’d felt it when he’d walked off, and this dependency would only get worse.
After half an hour, the alarm buzzed so I quickly silenced it, but it was too late, he’d woken. His eyes fluttered open as he lifted his head, looking down at me.
“Hi,” I greeted sheepishly.
He smiled sadly “Hi, you okay?” he asked.
I winced, knowing that I’d probably never be able to take it back or make it better. He’d always know that I didn’t have faith in him when it mattered. “I’m really sorry, honestly, I’m so sorry, Ashton.”
He sighed and shifted on top of me, pulling himself higher so he was hovering above me. “I would never hurt you.” Sincerity dripped from every syllable as he looked directly into my eyes.
My heart throbbed painfully at the intensity of his look and the way he said the words. “I know. I don’t know what I was thinking. You were just so angry and then you grabbed me, and I just… I don’t know,” I swallowed, trying to keep the tears at bay again.
“Anna, no matter how angry I was, I would never do that. I promise you.” I nodded, unable to speak. “You thought I was gonna leave?” he asked, stroking my hair away from my face.
“I thought you’d already left,” I admitted.
He shook his head, frowning. “I won’t leave you. Even if we had a huge fight, I still wouldn’t leave you,” he promised.
With his eyes blazing with truth, I believed him. The only way he would leave before his assignment was over was if I had him transferred, because he wouldn’t quit. I looped my arms around his neck, smiling happily now.
“Thank you,” I whispered, gratefully.
“You don’t have to thank me, Baby Girl.” He bent his head and planted a soft kiss on my lips, pulling back after a fraction of a second. I didn’t even have time to react before he pushed himself up off me, straddling my hips as he grinned down at me. “I guess I’m squashing you, huh?”
“I liked it,” I muttered, chuckling as heat flooded my face at my admission.
He grinned too and dropped down onto the mattress next to me instead. “Guess I didn’t even get to try out the new sofa bed.” He nodded towards the new addition to my room. Apparently it had been delivered while we were at school.
I smiled and shrugged. “It looks like it would be comfy too,” I teased. “Probably more comfortable than sleeping on top of me.” I frowned
at the sofa bed, resenting it a little because I would actually rather him sleep in my bed with me, especially after last night – so long as I could manage to keep a hold on my slutty side that only ever seemed to come out when I was around him.
He laughed. “Doubt it.” His arm wrapped around my waist, pulling me tightly against him as he looked at me intently. “Anna, will you tell me why you train like that? I can understand you pushing it with the self-defence stuff, but the running I just don’t understand.”
I sighed, I’d never talked to anyone about this before, but I felt like I owed him an explanation for it. “It takes my mind off everything. It gives me something else to think about. The more it hurts, the easier it is to forget everything else and just focus on the pain. It’s just something I’ve done since… well, since Carter.” My voice cracked when I said his name.
He nodded sadly. “I can’t stand to see it though. I know you like to run, but do you have to run for thirty minutes flat out like that? I mean, you ran so damn fast that I don’t think I would have been able to keep up with you. And that last minute,” he blew out a big breath, “damn, you looked like you were ready to die, and yet you went faster? It was awful to watch,” he winced, swallowing hard.
I frowned. When you looked at it from his point of view, it did sound kind of over the top. “Okay. I’ll try and tone it down. Can we just leave it?” Not liking the turn in conversation, and wanting to think of more pleasant things, I leant in closer and pressed my face into the side of his neck. I sighed in contentment as I inhaled his delicious smell. There was nothing else like it in the world.
“Do I smell bad or something?”
I jumped back, realising what I was doing. “Sorry.” I chuckled nervously, looking anywhere but him.
He laughed. “Are you telling me I should go for a shower?”
“No!” I protested. “You smell good. It’s soothing. You smell like-” I stopped quickly when it dawned on me what I was about to say. I gulped, sitting up. “Never mind. Do you want breakfast?”
As I scooted towards the edge of the bed, his hand closed over my arm, thwarting my escape. “Hey, not so fast! I smell like what?” he asked.
I winced. “I don’t want to say,” I whined.
One of his eyebrows rose playfully as he tugged on my arm so I fell back onto the bed. He grinned as he quickly manoeuvred himself so he was pinning my arms above my head and my body was trapped underneath his. “If you don’t tell me, we don’t go to school today.” I chuckled and shook my head. I didn’t want to go to school anyway, I would rather he pinned me to the bed all day. “Please tell me,” he breathed, pulling out the puppy dog face.
I groaned, done for. “Oh, for goodness’ sake, fine! You smell like safety, like home,” I admitted, turning my head to the side so that I wouldn’t see his face as I said it.
His grip loosened on my arms as he pushed himself off me, sitting up. From the corner of my eye, I could see him looking at me. “You want to know what you smell like to me?” he asked quietly. I nodded without looking at him. “Your smell scares the life out of me. You smell like commitment and marriage,” he said simply.
The air rushed out of my lungs as I sat up and looked anywhere but him. I knew he was joking, but his casual joke about marriage made my stomach twist into a knot. “That’s not funny. I told you mine seriously,” I muttered, shaking my head and climbing out of bed. He didn’t answer as I headed out of the room, already deciding that I’d make bacon for breakfast. I needed the energy today and cooking it would be a welcome distraction from the thoughts that were trying to force their way into my head.
In typical guy fashion, he was showered, dressed and looking like a Greek God by the time the food was ready. As he walked out of the bedroom, I set bacon and eggs in front of him. “Wow, that’s great service,” he joked, sitting himself at the kitchen island. “By the way, are you busy Friday night?” he smiled a little nervously.
Busy? If I was busy then he’d already know about it. “No, why?”
He cleared his throat, rubbing at the back of his neck absentmindedly. “How about we make Friday nights our date nights?”
My ears picked up the plural of that sentence. Did he mean every Friday was date night?
He grinned. “I was thinking dinner and a movie. That’s a good first date, right?”
I smiled at how unsure he looked. “What would you normally do with a girl if you took her out?” I asked, curious as to why he seemed to be asking for my input.
He grimaced a little. “Er, a bar then her place, probably.”
“Wow, and you don’t think you’re a player?” I teased. “Why her place? So you can leave when you want and don’t have to stay the night?” I continued, giggling at how uncomfortable he looked. I had completely hit the nail on the head; clearly that was the exact reason. “So, what would you do for a second date then? Because, technically, the lake was our first date, you said so yourself,” I said matter-of-factly, enjoying him squirming.
He cleared his throat. “Well, on a second date, we’d probably skip the bar and just go to her place.”
“And the third?” I inquired, grinning.
“I’ve never been on a third date,” he shrugged, shovelling his food into his mouth.
My mouth popped open at this admission. “Seriously? When you said you’d never had a girlfriend, I thought you meant like a serious one, not like you’d never been on more than two dates.”
“I’ve never met a girl I wanted to date. I told you that,” he replied, finishing his food in record time and heading over to the sink.
I rolled my eyes. “Right, I know, you’re not a player, just misunderstood,” I mocked, grinning as I finished up my food too. I held out my empty plate for him to take. He seemed remarkably domesticated, aside from cooking; he was very adept at tidying up after us both.
“Hey, you want to go shooting tonight? While I was on the net last night, I found one that’s not too far away. We could go join,” he called as I walked to the bedroom.
I gulped. I wasn’t actually sure if I could see a gun again after my dream last night, but I didn’t want to have to explain that to him. “Um, sure.”
School was good, just like the day before. As promised, Ashton’s presence kept all of the guys away from me so I didn’t need to worry about anything. Again, we had lunch with what was fast becoming our group of friends. Before the end of lunch, I exchanged numbers with Rosie. I could see the disapproval on Ashton’s face – probably because of the ‘safety factor’ as he so often called it, but to me it was no big deal. Rosie was actually a genuinely nice girl, I liked her.
Throughout the day, Ashton kissed me a few times again. Each kiss seemed to spark something deep inside me. It was like some sort of age-old primal instinct that I had no control over. I both liked and hated it at the same time.
Too soon though, we pulled up at the shooting range that Ashton had found. Nerves were churning in my stomach, and I wrung my shaking hands, chewing furiously on my lip as he cut the engine in the parking lot. I wasn’t sure I could get out of the car. My whole body was stiff, frozen in place as Ashton climbed out and walked around the car to my side.
This was all because of the dream last night. The dream was the whole reason that I was terrified of guns. During my time with him, I’d seen Carter shoot people, but that was the only time I’d ever had a gun put into my hand. The experience had scarred me deeply.
“You okay?” Ashton asked, as he opened my door and bent down to see why I hadn’t moved to get out. I shook my head in answer. He reached in, unbuckling my seatbelt before taking both of my hands and squeezing them gently. “I promise it’s fine,” he cooed.
I flicked my eyes up to his face, seeing the concern in his eyes. “I don’t think I can,” I whispered, shaking my head.
Without answering he leant forward and planted a soft kiss on the corner of my mouth, squeezing my hands again. All of my worries seemed to melt away as his warmth and safety wash
ed over me, giving me the confidence to move my heavy legs and let him help me out of the car.
“You can,” he replied, nodding sternly. “But if you don’t want to, then we’ll just go home. It’s your choice.”
I closed my eyes, taking a couple of deep breaths before clasping his hand in a vice-like grip as I nodded in agreement. With him at my side, I could do it, and if I couldn’t, then I’d just ask him if we could leave. “I want to. Just don’t let go.”
“I won’t,” he promised. I gulped, swallowing the squirming terror that was building in my chest as he led me inside.
I pressed into his back as he filled out a couple of forms, signing us in and setting us up a membership so we could go whenever we wanted to. When he was finally done with the paperwork, the guy led us to one of the lanes in the middle. Thankfully, we were the only ones in there, so it was quiet apart from the radio humming old eighties tunes in the background.
I whimpered and turned to Ashton, watching as he sent off one of the little target sheets the same distance away as I had it last time. When he was satisfied with the sheet, he turned and put my goggles on for me before he covered my ears with the headphones. He smiled and reached behind him, unclenching my hand that I had fisted onto the back of his shirt, holding him tightly.
“You sure you want to do this?” he checked, rubbing my knuckles with his thumb as he straightened my aching fingers for me. I hadn’t even known I was holding him that tightly until then. I nodded weakly, eyeing the door warily as I decided if I should run or not. Before I could make up my mind, he moved behind me, pressing his chest against my back as his arms wrapped around me tightly. “Breathe, Anna,” he instructed. I gulped and sucked in a ragged breath as he picked up the little, black handgun from the box he’d been given. Immediately, I shrank back away from it, trying to melt into his chest. He rested his chin on my shoulder as he held the gun out in front of me. “Take it when you’re ready.”
My hands were sweating, so I had to wipe them a couple of times on my jeans before I reached up and let him put the heavy gun into my hand. “Oh God,” I whimpered.
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