by K Carothers
“That was easy.”
Erin smiled at the surprised look on Jenna’s face. “If it means that much to you, I’ll go. Besides, I’ve always felt guilty that I couldn’t come to your dad’s funeral. I should’ve been there after all he did for me, and the least I can do is go with you on Sunday to make up for it.”
“You have nothing to feel guilty about, Erin. You were in the middle of the hardest part of your residency training. I understood.”
“I said I would never come back here. But I would have for him. Maybe if I’d pushed a little harder to get off—”
“Don’t worry about it,” Jenna cut in. And with a mischievous grin, she added, “But since you’re feeling guilty, maybe you’ll be more agreeable to the next thing.”
Erin knew that grin didn’t bode well for her. “Okay, lay it on me.”
“I want you to learn how to swim.”
Erin blinked in consternation. “What? Are you kidding?”
“No, I’m not. I want you to learn how to swim.”
“Jenna, I’m thirty-two years old. I think it’s a little late for that now.”
“You can’t learn anything at thirty-two? Why do you read medical journals then?”
Erin groaned, throwing her head back for a moment. “That’s completely different, Jenna.” She paused to think about it. She would rather get her teeth pulled. “How about if I go to church with you every Sunday instead?”
“How about if you think about going to church with me every Sunday and try swimming just once?”
Erin felt her heart race at the very thought. “Why do you want me to learn how to swim now?”
“Because there would be no better way for you to exercise—literally—that Zen proverb. I want you to master your mind.” Jenna smiled at her tenderly. “I also know you’re going to have children someday, whether you give birth to them, or adopt, or however they come along. I feel it in my soul. And I want you to be able to swim with them. Getting you to do this will be a gift I can give you long after I’m gone.”
Erin’s eyes misted with tears. She leaned her head back against the swing and looked up into the cloudless blue sky. It made her think of Luke again. “What exactly is Zen anyway?”
“It’s a form of Buddhism that emphasizes personal enlightenment, finding harmony with the universe. Meditation is an important part of it. You should try it with me one of these days.”
“I thought you were Catholic?”
Jenna laughed. “Yes, in a manner of speaking. But all religions that have a basis in love, peace, and enlightenment ultimately worship God, whether He’s called by that name or not. Love is still love after all, no matter what language it’s spoken in.”
Erin smiled wryly. “I don’t think your priest would like that answer.”
“I think you’re just delaying your answer, Erin.”
“Jenna, it would be really embarrassing to get into a pool with a bunch of preschoolers for Swimming 101.”
“I’m glad you said that, because I was just thinking we could have Luke teach you in the pond.”
Erin’s eyes widened at the thought of Luke with his hands on her, wearing nothing more than swim trunks. And the images that went through her mind did crazy things to her body. But then her gaze shifted to the pond, and fear drowned out any other thought. “I’m not sure I could do it, Jenna. You can’t even see the bottom in there.”
“We’ll practice some Zen meditation techniques while you’re in the water. Usually one is sitting in the lotus position. But we’ll try a new one—the floating position.”
Erin continued to eye the pond in trepidation. “I don’t know…”
As if in answer, the calls of the swans filled the air again.
“I think they want you to go in too,” Jenna said with a chuckle.
Erin watched the majestic birds and couldn’t help but admire how peacefully they floated on the water together. “You’ll be in there next to me?” she asked, turning back to Jenna.
“No, I think I’ll stay on the shore and talk you through it.”
That answer finally convinced Erin. She remembered all the times Jenna had tried to get her to go into the water when they were kids, but she would only sit on the beach and watch. “I’ll do it if you go in with me.”
“Erin, I haven’t been in that pond in years. And now, in my condition, I don’t think…”
“You don’t think what?” Erin teased, grinning at the flustered expression on her friend’s face.
Jenna groaned, then laughed. “All right, we’ll go in together. You said Luke is coming over tomorrow. Why don’t we do it then, before either of us has too much time to think about it?”
Erin’s smile froze. “Wow, tomorrow.” She took a deep breath. “Okay. I’ll ask him tonight when he calls. But if he says no, we’re done.”
Jenna raised a brow inquisitively. “Oh really? He’s calling you tonight?”
“I gave him my number so I could find out how Jesse is doing, that’s all.” Erin was going to leave it at that and change the subject. But she remembered Jenna’s advice about opening up, and knew it was time to get out of old habits. “Okay, I’ll admit that I think he’s—well, attractive. So why isn’t he married with a houseful of kids by now?”
Jenna grinned impishly. “I may have had a little something to do with that—at least a few times, anyway. Women usually don’t like it when their boyfriend is good friends with another woman.”
Erin gave her a playful nudge. “Especially one so pretty and sweet.”
Jenna rolled her eyes. “You’re too kind.” But her face beamed with pleasure at the compliment.
“So is he dating anyone?” Erin asked, telling herself she was just curious.
“He was until the day we left for Ireland. He and his girlfriend got into a fight, and he broke things off with her before he came to get me. I figured that would happen eventually, though. I never understood what Luke saw in her. The woman is about as warm as Antarctica in winter. I know she has a younger sister who’s pretty sick with some sort of heart condition, and I feel bad about that, but it doesn’t excuse her behavior. I think she has a serious heart problem of her own—if she has a heart at all, that is.”
A droll smile pulled at Erin’s mouth. “I’m guessing that was one of the relationships you got in the middle of.”
“No, I don’t think it was me who got in the middle of that one—or really any of the others, when it comes right down to it.”
“Is Luke in love with someone else?” Erin casually asked.
Jenna chuckled. “He’s always been in love with someone else.”
Despite her efforts to remain indifferent, Erin felt an ache settle suspiciously close to her heart. “Who is she?”
Jenna shook her head with another chuckle. “You, Erin. The man’s been in love with you forever. And I’m sure it was no coincidence that he broke up with his girlfriend right after I called and told him you were coming back.”
Erin stared at her in disbelief. “I doubt I had anything to do with it. He never showed the slightest interest in me when we were in school. He certainly never asked me out.”
“Because he was afraid to. All the guys were.”
“He said that?”
“No, but I remember how he used to look at you. It was pretty obvious. Since you left he hasn’t said much, but I’ve seen how he reacts when I mention your name. There’s still a torch burning there. And when you got married he wasn’t himself for months. I have a feeling that might have broken his heart.”
“Really, Jen, that’s ridiculous. I’d been gone for what, eleven years? There’s no way.”
“There is a way,” her friend responded with a gentle smile. “It’s called true love. And the bittersweet beauty of true love is that even when there’s nothing to sustain it, it still lives on.”
“I can’t expect you to be attached to my bum hip twenty-four hours a day, Erin. In fact, I don’t want you to be, as much as I do love you. We need to find other things to occupy that mind of yours once in a while. I was even thinking it might be good for you to pick up a few shifts in the ER. Luke said they’re pretty short-staffed right now.”
“I don’t need—”
“I know. Just think about it,” Jenna interrupted mildly, patting Erin’s jean-clad thigh. “When all is said and done, the only real certainty in life is that life goes on.” And with an elvish twinkle in her eye, she added, “I also think you should give Luke the chance to warm you up a little with his torch. He’d be the perfect match for you.”
Erin tried not to think about how much he’d already warmed her up. “It wouldn’t be a good idea, Jen. He’s part of this town.” She was going to have to keep reminding herself of that too. “His family is here. His job is here. He even helps coach football. He belongs here. And I’m going back to Boston.”
“I don’t know that he necessarily belongs here. And not all his family is here either. His brothers moved away, and one of them lives out of state. If things worked out, Luke could go back to Boston with you. He would probably like the challenge of being a big-city detective.”
Erin laughed at the absurdity of their conversation. “Do you already have our wedding planned out too?”
Jenna grinned. “Okay, I’m getting a little ahead of things. You haven’t even kissed him yet—or have you?”
“Jenna!”
“Well, it would be best to do that sooner than later. How a man kisses will tell you a lot about him. And if he lacks skill there he probably doesn’t have any in the bedroom either.”
“I can’t believe you just said that.”
“I can say anything now. I’ll just blame it on the morphine.”
Erin chuckled, shaking her head. But when she thought about the issue Jenna raised, her expression sobered. She watched a rabbit race across the grass and into the woods, and stammered, “I—I’m—” She wasn’t sure if she could get the words out, but finally managed, “I’m the one who would have problems in the bedroom.”
Silence followed the statement.
Erin glanced at Jenna and saw a look of complete stupefaction on her face. “I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen you speechless in your life, Jen. But you wanted me to open up.” She was too embarrassed to say anything more, though.
“Tell me what you mean about problems in the bedroom,” Jenna said after a moment.
“You sound like my therapist. Or at least what they’d probably sound like if I had one. Maybe I should have one, I don’t know.” Erin sighed in resignation. “Besides Peter I’ve only been with one other guy…that way. We were chemistry partners during my senior year in college. You met him when you came to visit at Christmas that year.”
“Yes, the science genius,” Jenna said with a soft laugh. “I remember telling him my version of Newton’s
First Law: ‘An object in motion stays in motion, and an object at rest tends to fall asleep.’ He didn’t seem to get it. But I think he was more into chemistry than physics.”
“Well, our chemistry was definitely better in the classroom than in the bedroom. I think I only did it with him because I was almost twenty-two and figured I was probably the last virgin on campus—which sounds like the title of a really bad movie. But it was painful and awkward. I didn’t care to repeat it.”
“It was your first time, Erin. That was bound to happen.”
“The problem is, I never got past that awkward and uncomfortable phase. I—I didn’t like that part of my relationship with Peter. It never—I don’t know…It never felt right. If I hadn’t wanted to get pregnant so badly I would rather not have done it at all, to be honest.”
Jenna looked at her thoughtfully. “Your problems with intimacy aren’t surprising, given what you went through as a child. You lost both your parents at such a young age. And then you had to deal with your grandmother, who repeatedly punished you because of your mom’s sexual behavior. I have a feeling that’s always been there in the back of your mind during sex. The best thing you can do now is to forget about all the garbage she said, and not worry about who your mother was. Figure out who you are.”
Erin hadn’t considered any of that before. But then, she’d never spent much time looking inward. She’d dedicated all her time and effort to medicine. Maybe she did need a therapist. “I guess I picked the perfect career to avoid the whole introspection thing. I’ve spent so many years taking care of other people, I haven’t had time to take care of myself—even if I wanted to. I feel like there’s an expectation that as a doctor I shouldn’t have any imperfections, that I should almost be superhuman. And I expect that out of myself most of all. It’s probably one of the things that attracted me to medicine in the first place.”
“Well, you’re not superhuman. No one is. And you’ll only wear yourself out by trying to be perfect all the time. But we can fix that.” With a smile Jenna placed a hand over Erin’s heart. “I officially anoint you human like the rest of us, Erin Pryce.”
“Wow, I finally get to be human. I feel like Pinocchio.”
Jenna dropped her hand back into her lap. “So how did Peter feel about what went on in your bedroom?”
Erin had contemplated that question before. “He never said anything, Jen. Until I found him in bed with another woman I had no idea he thought there was a problem at all. He’d never seemed particularly interested in that part of our relationship either. Of course, his schedule was even more brutal than mine was. He worked an insane number of hours at the hospital. When he was at home he usually needed to catch up on sleep. Or paperwork. Or the latest medical journal. There just wasn’t a whole lot of time for, you know…that.”
Jenna chuckled. “Sex, Erin. I think you need to say it.”
Erin felt a blush warm her cheeks. “Really, Jenna.”
“Blame it on the morphine. Now just say it.”
“Fine. Sex.” Erin rolled her eyes heavenward.
“You didn’t say that with very much conviction.”
Erin groaned. “Okay. Sex…Sex, sex, sex. There.”
Jenna grinned. “Now didn’t that get a lot easier every time?”
“I suppose,” Erin admitted with a weak laugh.
“So did Peter at least try to work things out in the bedroom?”
Erin looked at her blankly. “How do you mean?”
Jenna raised an eyebrow. “You know, get you in the mood. Foreplay. That sort of thing.”
Erin felt her cheeks get hot again. “Like I told you, our schedules were so busy there just wasn’t a lot of—”
“Time, I know. But there’s always time if you really want there to be. And if Peter wasn’t much into foreplay, I’d imagine the rest of it didn’t last very long either?”
“A few minutes, I guess,” Erin answered, feeling her face burn hotter than ever. “Long enough to know I wasn’t any good at it.”
“A few minutes? That wasn’t long enough to know anything,” Jenna said, shaking her head in disbelief. “Whatever problems with intimacy you brought into your relationship with Peter, he and his two-minute quickies weren’t going to solve them. They probably wouldn’t get the job done for any woman. Maybe that’s why he’s having problems with his girlfriend now. Have you ever had an orgasm?”
Erin wondered if her cheeks were going to be permanently red. “If such a thing really even exists for a woman, then no.”
Jenna’s eyes sparkled with amusement. “Such a thing definitely exists. It just takes a woman some time to get there. Now I think I know what the solution to your problem is.”
“Som
e Zen meditation technique, I suppose?”
“No, just the opposite really.” Jenna grinned. “You need a vibrator.”
Erin stared at her, completely dumbstruck.
“You do know what that is, don’t you, Miss Harvard Graduate?
“Yes, I do, Jenna,” Erin finally said. “And I can’t believe you’re talking about that.”
“Once again, blame it on the morphine. But vibrators are commonly recommended by therapists as part of the treatment for a variety of sexual problems. In fact, it was an English physician who first invented one in the 1800s. And it’s unfortunate they have so many negative connotations, because sexual dysfunction is a lot more prevalent than you probably realize. Like you, most people aren’t comfortable discussing it. But sex should be a beautiful thing. It shouldn’t be embarrassing, or painful, or feel like a chore. It’s a celebration of life, and love, and creation—a celebration of God, really. And if a person needs to use a vibrator to experience the full glory of it all, more power to them.” A devilish grin crossed Jenna’s face. “No pun intended.”
Erin raised an eyebrow. “So let me get this right, Jenna Godfrey. I’ve been here less than a day and you’re already telling me to go screw myself?”
Jenna burst out laughing. “No, I’m telling you to go discover yourself, Erin Pryce.” Then she schooled her features into a more serious expression, and added, “It’s just something to think about, that’s all. It might help you get over that ‘awkward and uncomfortable phase,’ as you put it.”
Erin gave her a mystified look. “We’ve gone from talking about church to using vibrators. You’ve got my head spinning.”
“Every head needs to be taken for a spin once in a while,” Jenna said, reaching for her cane. “But right now my legs do, so let’s go take a walk. Some baby robins were born the other day in a tree behind the shed. I’ll show you.”
* * *