by Paul Vayro
Chapter Nineteen
Dollop sat in the canteen, staring at a television screen that pretended to be a window. A scene of green fields flickered across it, stretching out to a horizon that only existed in the mind of a graphic designer. The canteen was nothing more than a school sports hall filled with rows of tables and kitchen facilities at one end. Twelve Thirty was in the far corner twitching and murmuring to himself. The only other people in the room were a four foot high dinner lady who stood motionless, serving ladle in hand, behind the counter, and Sandbag who had just been served by the borderline dwarf. The dish of the day was Ak-Lak-Milak: a traditional henchman dish consisting of an entire cow battered and deep fried on the end of a stick.
“How’s the Ak-Lak-Milak?” Sandbag sat down with a thud. His size gave him little choice.
“I haven’t started it yet. I was thinking.”
“I don’t know what you find to think about, especially with food in front of you.” Sandbag removed the head in one bite.
“I don’t choose to do it. It just happens.”
“I hope that doesn’t start happening to me. I wouldn’t want anything getting in the way of eating.” Sandbag broke off a leg and used it as an oversized toothpick, before devouring that too, hoof and all. Dollop had been gazing towards the window/screen. The field disappeared as an image of Sid took its place. The megalomaniac’s voice joined the ambience.
“Dollop, Sandbag. Come back to the control room immediately. You have three glixons (two minutes) before I activate your wristbands.” Sid leant in to the screen with added menace. “Don't fail me.”
Both henchmen stood and made for the door. Dollop took two excessive bites of his snack on the run, he sensed what was about to happen.
Reaching the door handle a beeping noise came from their wrists followed by the illumination of a small red light. The pair had enough time to share a glance of realisation before being yanked through the partition.
The journey was brief but painful and ended with the two henchmen skidding along the floor of the room containing the contraption of screens. They formed a mangled pile of bruised bodies and crumpled Ak-Lak-Milak before struggling to their feet, batter raining down with each inch they rose.
“Gooooooooood.” Sid walked around them, arms behind his back, before skipping to his chair. “I’ve struck upon a wondrous plan.” Sid raised himself to their eye level. “I knew it would only be a matter of time before The Hero’s Guild realised something was amiss, and it seems another of my insightful predictions has come to pass. Hahahahahaha.” The spin helped realign his helmet. It had moved out of kilter when throwing his head back too eagerly. “They have deployed those forces with any motivation left, to seek out clues upon my Earths. See how these self proclaimed moral warriors cast aside the laws of the universe when it suits them.” Sid swung in closely to Sandbag to make his point. “Nobody is allowed to visit an Earth franchise planet. Not without being labelled naughty by the Universal Council.”
Dollop’s eye was drawn to one of the screens. Sid had focused his cameras on the best potential landing spot for each planet. For all Sid’s dramatics he knew how the game worked. Dollop watched the chosen television as a bushel wavered in a previously absent wind. Within moments a cautious head and body appeared in mid air, strutting down the unseen ramp in a manner that stunk of hero.
Sid left Sandbag alone and continued touring his screens. “As you would expect, Hugo Cortizone is the biggest sinner of them all. He has already searched four of my babies and shows no sign of relenting. The fool wouldn’t know if he’d found the answer already or not. Too busy proclaiming, not enough listening.” Sid began hurtling from the height he’d achieved. “It is time his meddling came to an end.” Sid stopped abruptly, almost slipping from his seat. Luckily for him he had no face to betray the panic he felt.
“Are we going to….” Dollop could barely say the words. “…kill him?”
“Not quite.” Sid kept both his chair and voice slow and controlled. “To tackle him in combat would inevitably end in disaster. A strap would snag here, a buckle come loose there. Our own over confidence at finally having his demise within our grasp would see us blind to his one last trick that would reverse the tables and see our doom unfold instead. We will not be caught out this time.”
Dollop’s upset at not killing Hugo was buoyed by the curiosity Sid induced. The little metallic man continued, confidence in his ability to control his chair returning.
“I have been working on a compound for some time now with our friend Mr Cortizone in mind. I see not, why we shouldn’t introduce him to it now. Hahahahahaha. My ingenious powder, when inhaled in the correct quantity, leaves the victim in a trance that lets them believe universal peace has been declared. They no longer see or feel the underlying threat of danger. They trust instinctively, see no evil intent in action, and with no threat to combat, Hugo’s hero powers will become impotent. He will be nothing. Hahahahahaha”
Dollop thought on this for a moment. He grew ever more impressed by Sid’s approach to dastardly undertakings. Sid ceased laughing and continued.
“However, for the compound to remain effective we must not show any hostility towards him or threaten him. Anger in a large enough dose can break the spell. I know you want revenge Dollop, we all do, but any attempt at retribution before I say so will result in my own vendetta being waged on your good self for eternity. And we both know you don’t want that. Do you?” The well aimed stare resurfaced.
“No sir not at all.” Dollop failed to recognise his cowering self.
“How will we get close enough to…..to…..zap him?” Sandbag couldn’t think of the verb to enforce inhalation on somebody.
“I’m so glad you ask. This is where my plan blossoms. It involves you two and a very pretty damsel disguise I designed myself.” A cheeky spin accentuated Sid’s joy. “Being so clever I’ve managed to track Hugo’s path and can predict exactly where he will be when I need him to be there, for we shall intercept him. Dollop, you shall wear the damsel suit. It works on the same basis as the peasant suits you wore earlier. Sandbag, you will play the monster attacking the poor damsel. The roles must be this way for fear of Hugo recognising Dollop's nostril stealing efforts in earlier battles.”
Dollop tapped the pocket he kept the trophy sealed within.
“Sandbag, this will require you take a good thwacking from Hugo. It was all in the contract you signed so no arguments. When Hugo appears you must allow him to rescue Dollop, I mean the fallen damsel. Dollop, the compound is hidden beneath the coned hat you shall be disguised within. Choose your time carefully, but when the chance arises remove it and spray it directly into his face. Hahahahahaha.”
Neither henchman liked the sound of the role they’d been given. Sandbag knew that Hugo could punch really hard, and Dollop had spent his entire professional life capturing and harassing maidens. To suddenly be one was a curious mixture of therapy and punishment.
“A pod has been prepared with the co-ordinates of where he will be. The damsel suit is also there. It awaits you in the hangar. WELL GO ON THEN.”
The pair walked off without question, neither sure exactly what they were supposed to do. They’d both heard the words but the turmoil they caused saw them struggle to translate them in to sense. Each hoped the other had heard enough to capture Hugo Cortizone: second greatest hero alive and enemy of all that is bad. As they reached the door Sid called to them. They turned.
“Any failure will be paid for with pain.” It was pressure they could do without.
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