by Paul Vayro
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The pub was a relief to the still bickering pair. Back on their home planet gimmick bars had replaced all their decent haunts. There was nowhere left to have a quiet drink and a chat. Underwater bars were the current trend. Completely impractical for either chatting or drinking, but when had high fashion ever bothered itself with practicality. This pub was everything one should be. It bordered on being a living room with a fully stocked bar in the corner. The ambience followed the decor.
The duo approached the barman. He knew instantly they were new to the premises. Passing trade had somewhat ceased.
“Well, well, well. We don’t see new faces round here very often. Flown in on a spaceship have we?” The humorous truth jarred the twosome. Dandara had nothing but deadpan to respond with.
“You might call it a spaceship. I call it the bane of my life. Teenagers!”
“The younger folk driven you out of the inner world have they? Can’t say I blame you.” The barman picked up a glass and started cleaning it. He had no idea why but it was part of the job description. These days all glasses were coated in a dirt and germ resistant film making washing futile.
“Yeah, why not.” Bettina accepted the barman’s explanation for their situation.
“Then welcome to the real world. First dinks are on the house.”
“Two pints of anything good with chasers.” Bettina made the free round worthwhile. The barman prepared the drinks whilst offering his own worldly wisdom. Why as a barman that spent most of his life in one building he thought his take on existence was so insightful was beyond the realms of human answers, but his voice was pleasant and made a nice background murmur. Plus listening intently meant the drinks may keep coming.
“If you ask me it’s only a matter of time before everyone realises that fake reality is no substitute for real reality. I mean don’t get me wrong, each to their own, and I’m not naïve enough to think this is definitely real reality, but at least I haven’t knowingly chosen to live out my life in a virtual world.” Bettina and Dandara’s ears focused in on his words as they continued. It appeared they were useful.
“I know it’s more convenient to live like that but I pity them in my own way, locked indoors all day. It’s not the way to live.” He placed the pints down, poured the shots, and slid them across to the pair while glancing towards the ceiling in thought. “I suppose it was always our destiny as a race, to invent ourselves in to our chairs. From the moment man invented the wheel he’s been looking at ways to take the effort out of life. What could do that more than being sat down for an entirety, plugged in to the world through wires rather than senses?” He paused before his big line. He’d read it on a packet of ‘Philosophy’ peanuts once, a gimmick brand name that offered wisdom with its tasty snack. “Technology may have brought the world closer together, binding friendships across nations, but in doing so it has pushed those closest far, far further away. Are those drinks okay?”
Dandara downed the shot in response. The fiery glow in her eye suggested yes, the gasp confirmed it. “F…fine. Really nice.”
“Do you get many people in here then if everyone’s inside?” Bettina avoided the shot for the moment and started with a swig of beer. It too was potent.
“I get by. I’m not the only one that’s rejected the new way of living. Plus the maintenance guys that keep everything ticking over. They always need a bit of grub, bit of a drink at the weekends. No. I like the little community we’ve formed out here, wouldn’t change it for anything.” The ponderous silence that followed gave both ladies time to get over their drinks. It also allowed a large crashing sound to fall through the doors. The trio at the bar turned to find Brick, Spiritwind, Jam and the information post from earlier, all falling over each other. The Magwanvu didn't wish to spend the day explaining its triplicate behaviour via a loose cover story and decided to stay on the ship. Bobby Dazzler felt it may need some company for the times when it stops talking to itself. And he'd just got into a new book. He was eager to discover the truth behind the protagonist's symbolic kiss curl.
Back in the pub, Brick stood first.
“I told you this was a pub. I could just tell.”
“The information post told you it was a pub.” Spiritwind struggled to his feet and stumbled towards the bar.
“I was just happy to tell again. What a day, two inquisitive parties in one morning.” The post raised itself, its screen beaming in pleasure, and tried to wink, a wink of recognition towards Bettina and Dandara. It failed miserably and gave the impression of a brief power cut instead.
“Yes but I knew to trust what it said.” Brick continued searching for praise as he joined Spiritwind at the bar. Jam remained on the floor. The way his head spun he thought it was only a matter of time before he was back there. You can’t fall when you’ve fell.
“What a day for surprises, more new faces. Perhaps there is a new beginning. Welcome one and all.” The barman cleaned another glass out of sheer exuberance. “Drinks are on me. Hope for a new future is payment enough.” With the magic words of free booze uttered, Jam’s head appeared at the back of the growing ensemble at the bar.
“I always knew that post apocalyptic view of the future was too pessimistic.” Brick spoke with the authority of a drunken man trying to explain something he knew nothing about. He tried to whisper to Spiritwind but was still under the effects of the Frothy Fumblers from the journey. The effects wear off gradually, taking you back through all the stages of drunkenness on the way. “You get the drinks in. I spot two ladies in desperate need of my attention.” The whispering failed both in volume and practicality. Bettina and Dandara were sat two feet away, around the bend of the bar. They could hear everything.
Brick stumbled around the bar's curve and stood between them. He was currently at the hyper-chatty phase of the drunken experience with the added boost in confidence. “Hello ladies. You look lonely. May I offer you a small slice of company pie? We can discuss what to do with the rest of it over a few drinks.” He paused to think about what he just said. The time allowed his drunkenness to fall a notch, towards acute self awareness. “I’m sorry. It appears drink has made me so arrogant I believe its okay to walk up to two creatures of sculptured perfection and interrupt their conversation. It would appear I can’t even apologise for my actions without continuing to flirt outrageously. You are indeed sculptured creatures of beauty, but for me to say that. How clichéd? I hold my hands up in sorrow at what I have become and shall depart, although if you do like what you see I’ll be over there. With a friend I may add. I am a pest, and a very sorry pest at that.” Brick held his hands up and walked back to his crew, defeated by his own inability to shut up. The girls hadn’t spoken.
Dandara had been staring at Brick quizzically throughout, for more reasons than his behaviour. By the time Brick had re-told Spiritwind his brief female adventure, with an added scene involving a big bloke he had to shoo away, Dandara had worked it out. “Weren’t you one of the guys lifted up in his chair?”
Brick turned slowly. He didn’t want to spill his cocktail. “Chair, what chair would this be?” He tried to work out if chair could be a euphemism and if lifted could mean she fancied him.
“The meeting on Velos 19, you were there, in a chair that was lifted up during the meeting?” Dandara figured she could blame drink for anything she said should it prove to be inaccurate. Jam took his four drinks and went to collapse on a seat. He used the information post as a crutch. It was happy to allow such usage. It was interested to sit with him and find out how anyone could be so incoherent and still exist.
“You were in the other chair.” She turned her attention to Spiritwind. “What were their names, Bettina?”
“Bettina! What a beautiful name.” Brick was off again. “I mean that by the way. It wasn’t a line. I’m having trouble thinking things without actually saying them, as you can probably tell. I didn’t run that comment through my mind first to work out how effective it would be on y
ou. It was genuinely what I thought, and thus said, if that helps. Did I mention I was sorry?” Bettina was amused, Dandara continued trying to remember.
“It was something daft, Rock, Twig or something.”
“I think she wants to know your name.” Spiritwind nudged Brick’s awareness towards Dandara.
“All the ladies do.” Brick grinned in a manner nobody would appreciate.
“No really.” Spiritwind stepped back at the strength of the beer he'd taken a swig of.
“Brick Wall. Brick Wall. Who wishes to know my name because it’s Brick Wall?” Brick spun round looking for who wished to know.
“That was it. Brick and…..” Dandara battled with her tongue.
“Spiritwind.” Spiritwind helped her destroy the tongue's resistance.
“Brick and Spiritwind. That was hard work.” Dandara took a well earned swig. Her stool rocked backwards in reaction.
“Do you all know each other?” The barman had been watching, wishing to join the party he’d begun.
“In passing.” Bettina offered the landlord a conservational rope to pull himself in with.
“Do we?” Brick wondered if she had a spare rope for him.
“Velos 19, yesterday. Secret mission we’re all on.” Bettina followed Dandara’s lead of not worrying about what was said.
“I for one have no idea what you’re talking about. I do however know that were I ever to be on a secret mission I wouldn’t be talking about it.” Brick looked around. He sensed it may be a test to see if they’d talk. He’d read enough spy novels to know it was always the seductress in the pub that was up to no good.
“This isn’t a test to see if you’ll talk.” Dandara spotted his concerns.
“Surely only the guilty mind of somebody carrying out a test would think to say such a thing so quickly.” Brick knew what he said was based on logic. He just wasn’t sure where the logic was.
“Listen." Dandara laid the truth out before them all. "We’ve misplaced the list of planets we were given to explore so we’ve come to the nearest Earth franchise we could find…”
“Earth franchise?” The barman was still only just hanging on even with a rope. Bettina continued to guide him.
“You know how these drunken theories of life go. It’s a social commentary on the planet as franchises threaten to stifle and uniform the world.” Spiritwind heard Bettina and instantly liked her. She caught him looking for a second too long and maintained her eye contact until he looked away embarrassed. She found his coy nature instantly endearing.
“I couldn’t agree more.” The barman nodded his approval and continued listening.
“It looks as though this is one of your planets. Now we don’t want to step on any toes or offend anyone so we shall leave.” Dandara started dismounting the stool. It looked far further down than when she had climbed on it.
“Let’s not be hasty” Brick’s mini romance between he and Dandara still had many chapters in his mind. “Firstly: you couldn’t offend us even if you tried, because if you’re trying to offend us then whatever you say is born from a biased place and thus cannot be given any worth as an opinion.” Brick drifted away. He forgot he’d started the sentence with ‘firstly’. The bemused faces reminded him.
“Secondly: I accept we know what you’re talking about and yes it was us, maybe, because if this is a trap then what I mean is I don’t know what you’re talking about. And thirdly: What harm can joining us do? The more of us the merrier we get. There must be a snappier way of saying that.”
“You want us to join you?” Dandara reacted defensively.
“Join, come with, help us, lead us? It’s all semantics with one outcome. We’re very new at the heroics game. How long have you been doing this may I ask?”
“We became full time about a squish (six months) ago and we’re doing okay alone.” Bettina didn’t join in. All she could think about was giggling. It didn’t appear to be a comment that was needed right now.
“What is it with heroes working alone? Even though I can see you’re working alone together. It’s all very bold but where’s the fun?” Brick spoke to his reflection in the mirror behind the bar. It looked back in full agreement.
“We could always combine our plans?” Spiritwind thought he should bring some sense to the discussion.
“Depends on what your plan is?” Dandara hoped the question wasn’t reversed.
“Well that is a good question and you’re right to ask. Brick?”
“We’re going inside a few of those buildings to see what’s going on.” Brick’s improvisation always worked best in pubs.
“How will you do that then?” The barman popped back in. He’d been trying to follow the analogy.
“Why through the front doors, my good man.”
“They’re all sealed. No way inside anymore. You have to apply. Unless we're talking about an analogous door because I've heard they’re opened with thoughts and wisdom.”
“For the moment let’s return to reality.” Brick tried to focus on one plain of existence at a time.
“That’s what I’ve been saying for years.” The barman was the only one to laugh at his comment on the current state of the world.
“Are you saying the literal doors are closed and can’t be entered in any of these buildings?” Brick tried to nail down reality.
“Yes.”
“So how do people get in and out?” Brick was struggling.
“They don’t. That’s why I was so surprised to see you lot. How did you get out?”
“Of course we can get in and out. I meant more in the mental sense. You know like the window to the soul, only in door form.” Brick verbally ran away back to obscurity.
“So are we in an analogy or not?” The barman searched his brain with his eyes.
“Could I get another pint?” Spiritwind interrupted the confusion with the gesture of a potential answer. He let the barman start refilling before releasing it. Three more empty glasses joined the queue for a top up as he did. “We should get really drunk.”
“Exactly, you can work out any problem by drinking copious amounts of booze." Brick concurred with a raised empty hand. He wondered where his pint had gone. The barman placed it in front of him. Brick nodded his approval at the perceived magic trick.
“No need to work it out. Getting really drunk is the answer. All we have to do is get trolleyed and convince ourselves we live in those flats.” Spiritwind pointed out the window. “Then through the power of drunken magic we’ll wake up at home with no idea how we got there.”
“Does that even work in theory?” Dandara wasn’t convinced, but after a pint and a shot she was open to the possibility.
“You’d be surprised what works with a little blind belief. Jam’s ship is a fine example. You could call it something of our speciality, just going for it. Plus what is there to lose? If all goes wrong at least we get a good night out.”
“I’m for.” Brick downed the pint that had just been conjured. The barman looked up and took the pot back to the pump. Brick gasped in delight.
“What was your plan, out of interest?” Spiritwind sipped his fresh beverage whilst enquiring towards the two ladies.
“We didn’t have the full specifics…..”
“You didn’t have a plan did you? You were hoping ours would be something sensible enough to claim as your own.” Brick’s sentence brimmed with proud stupidity.
“I’m not going to bow down to such accusations.”
“I told you. We’re natural heroes.” Brick beamed to his friend.
“I’m not sure detecting a lie makes you Superman.”
“Who wants to be Superman? He isn’t even real.” Brick checked his pocket for the coherence he appeared to have misplaced.
“Maybe we’re not real?” Spiritwind pondered as the drunkenness from the Frothy Fumblers collided with the new wave of intoxication. The two states met somewhere in the middle. “This could all be part of an elaborate hoax.”
“Then I say we raise our glasses to such a convincing hoax. What were we doing again?” Brick wondered how his glass had disappeared again. The landlord was truly a magician, although this trick was from the evil school of wizardry.
“Getting drunk.” Bettina toasted the idea, and with a subtle nod of her head suggested they all move to the comfier seats that Jam had procured. The barman placed the final drinks of the current round on to a tray.
Bettina liked Brick and Spiritwind, especially Spiritwind. Dandara liked them as much as she ever liked anybody. She saw a decent arguing partner in Brick if nothing else. The two ladies led the way to the seats.
“I like these girls.” Brick whispered to Spiritwind as they began to follow, tray of drinks in hand.
“You like all girls.” Spiritwind offered grounding. He didn’t want Brick falling in love again. He’d only just got over the receptionist.
“Barman, come join us with our next round.” Brick ushered the barman along to the party. The sound of the tray of drinks striking the table jarred Jam in to a vague state of wakefulness. He'd closed his eyes in fear of the screen he imagined was following him. Keeping them firmly shut he could still hear its hum.
“Jam. We’re getting drunk again.” Brick unveiled the latest plan.
“Again? When was I sober?” Jam still refused to open his eyes.
“I see a certain intoxicated pattern emerging to this mission.” Spiritwind tried to oblige his behaviour with awareness.
“Of course you do; the intoxicated pattern of success.” Brick raised his glass as the barman appeared with a tray full of shots and three bottles of something purple.
“I do like this analogy business, makes me feel very high brow.”
The group's confidence was shared by the seemingly impenetrable buildings that surrounded them; however the drunken mind thinks in a way no sober architect could plan for, and two of the finest drunken minds in the universe were working on exploiting his blind spot.
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