by Paul Vayro
Chapter Twenty Nine
“So you’re saying you need to find out who is spreading apathy, where from, and how, but you have no real leads except the Earth’s are somehow involved, and they could be hiding anywhere in the known or unknown universe?” Not Spiritwind summed up the last ten minutes of conversation, although five of those were spent talking about big guns that don’t exist.
“When you sum it up out loud it sounds like quite the task.” Brick spoke from behind the sight of his imaginary, galaxy destroying, sniper rifle.
“Of course it’s difficult. The greatest minds in the universe have been trying to work it out and have come to no answer. They have sent every available hero in the known realms on a mission to find the truth.” Dandara’s frustration had only grown.
“The greatest minds in the universe always think too hard about these things, that’s their problem. That’s why all the great solutions of science and life come from temps sat in offices or casual warehouse staff. You have to ponder openly and let the answer come find you.” Brick rebutted the technique.
“You mean sit back and do nothing.” Dandara had found her next fight.
“If you can ponder sat down then I see no problem.”
“I get it now.” Not Brick entered the fray. He had a realisation to share. “You’re the love interest.” Not Brick wafted a finger between Brick and Dandara.
“I’m the what?” Dandara wasn’t instantly keen.
“You’re the warring couple that act like you can’t stand the sight of each other but secretly are madly in love, only you won’t admit it to yourselves. You’ll see. At some point your lives will be in danger and an act of heroism will be performed by one to save the other. As you roll to safety your faces will be almost touching, but rather than stand and walk away your eyes will meet. As the orchestral enhancement seeps in you’ll either kiss or be interrupted at the last moment. Either way your feelings will change and the truth will be allowed to flourish. Of course if there’s a sequel there’ll be some reason why you didn’t stay together, even though your love seemed perfect.”
“I’m the what?” Dandara still wanted an answer.
“I’ve made no secret of my desire by the way. I may have expressed it wrong but it isn’t a secret.” Brick wanted to clear up any misunderstandings that could be denying him a kiss.
“You’re the love interest.” Not Brick gave Dandara the answer she requested. “You give the adventure a further angle. Will they, won’t they? Why won’t the two troubled souls just help each other be happy? I almost envy myself for being in such a predicament.” The room wondered who had opened a box of tension.
“I am more than an interesting plot device. I am a fully qualified, professional hero in my own right with vastly more experience than these two and more skills than can be listed. If anything these two are the comic relief in our tale of sexual equality within the male dominated, hero world.”
“You think we’re funny?” Brick continued to demonstrate his ability to see the good in any statement. For the moment Dandara ignored him and continued with her point.
“Just because we stand on opposite sides of the gender divide it does not mean we cannot work together without falling in love.”
“I’d settle for lust.” Nobody knew why Brick carried on speaking, least of all himself.
“Me too.” Bettina saw a chance to un-nerve both Spiritwind’s. They each dropped a cocktail sausage in response.
“Why does a strong female character such as I, have to justify her position within a story by being attached to a man? Why can’t I stand alone without the need for emotional or physical support from a male being? Why isn’t Jam Shandy a romantic plot device? He’s pretty useless otherwise.”
“Who’s Jam Shandy?” Not Brick knew nothing of Jam.
“He’s our comic relief.” Spiritwind spoke to deflect Bettina’s gaze.
“Sounds like a fun guy.”
“He is. You’ll have to meet him.”
“You’re straying off topic again. Where was I….” Dandara lost her train of thought.
“I don’t mind being seen as the love interest, if it’s with the right man.” Bettina negated everything Dandara had just said, and caused Spiritwind to move the conversation along.
“Apathy then, that’s a bugger to track down isn’t it?”
“If you know the planets are being bombarded with apathy is it not possible to trace it back to its source?” Not Spiritwind joined in the conversation in an effort to stop his mind thinking he may have a chance with the sexy, lycra clad woman on his sofa. Dandara expressed her annoyance through a patronising tone.
“Since we notified the Hero’s Council about Jam’s discovery, that apathy is being rained down on the planets, Reason linked it to a curious crash about a bingle (three months) ago. Chip Chefton was on his way to the cinema when he crashed into a mirror floating in space. The insurance company investigated it and found it connected to a series of pulleys allowing it to move in any direction. Somehow this invalidated his claim, but fortunately for us it tipped Reason’s mind to how apathy is being spread. Unfortunately it makes it impossible to trace. Apathy is being guided by these mirrors whose path is constantly being changed. This was all in the updates you should be receiving varly (hourly), from the Council.”
“Jam said he was collating them all in to a handy pamphlet. He’s just working on the design for the front cover.” Spiritwind spoke with an eagerness to see the said design.
“Why not destroy all the mirrors?” Not Brick took the destructive route.
“Have you ever tried to spot a mirror in space?” Not Brick was unsure if he was meant to answer Dandara or beg forgiveness for such stupidity. Not Spiritwind spotted the confusion and filled the void with a suggestion of his own.
“Surely the planet with the highest level of apathy would be the base?”
“You really didn’t listen to anything we told you did you?” Dandara still had annoyance to vent as mockery and anger.
“I’ve been in the kitchen most of the time. I’ve heard very little.”
Dandara skirted her error and continued with her indignant tone. “The planet with the highest level of apathy is merely the one with the highest population.”
“Then perhaps rather than looking at its level of apathy we should measure its density. Surely wherever it’s at its most dense will be where it is being produced.” Dandara wanted desperately to poo-poo Not Brick’s idea. It took a few moments thought but eventually she spotted a problem.
“How do you suggest measuring apathy’s density?” Her tone shifted towards intrigue as Brick picked up the thread.
“If a planet is saturated with apathy then surely it wouldn’t evolve at the rate it’s expected to. It would end up decades or even centuries behind itself.”
“And if Earth franchises run to a predetermined program we know exactly where the planet should be in terms of its evolution.” Not Spiritwind couldn’t help himself.
“So all we have to do is measure all the Earth’s supposed points of evolution against their actual, and investigate the ones with the biggest difference?” Spiritwind tied the ribbon neatly on to the idea and passed it over to Dandara with a smile. She agonised over it, searching for a reason to label it stupid, but the more she thought the greater its level of genius grew. By the time she fully supported it the foursome had moved on to discussing the versatility of eggs and potatoes and whether or not you could exist on a diet of only them.
“That may just work you know.” Dandara broke her silence.
“There’s no way wrapping an egg in potato skin and deep frying it would taste nice.” Not Brick believed Dandara was defending Spiritwind’s latest creation.
“Who mentioned eggs? On second thoughts I don’t actually want an answer. I meant tracking down the evil bad guy through measuring evolution. As much as it pains me to give you any hero based credit, it may just work.”
“Thanks. I think.” The four spoke as one then
swapped looks of confusion at how to take the words. After realising most of them shared a face anyway they stuck to their own displays of wonder.
“Well if we have a breakthrough I’ll go and get the celebration cake.” Not Spiritwind began his well worn path to the kitchen.
“You have celebration cake?” Bettina was surprised at his preparedness.
“I have cake, and whenever you have cake it’s a reason to celebrate.” He disappeared behind the door.
“How hard is it to measure a planets evolutionary point, both actual and intended?” Spiritwind sensed a warmer Dandara for once.
“Not that hard. We can measure the stage of the Earth program by looking at the continents. The mountain ranges spell out the age of the planet. You just have to know how to read them. Any normal ship's computer can do it practically instantly.”
“Ta daaa.” Not Spiritwind returned with three gateaux’s and a plate for everyone. Each Spiritwind took a gateaux for them self. Everyone else shared the other. Dandara took a big bite before continuing.
“We can use evolution sonar to measure where the planet is actually up to.”
“Of course: Evolution sonar.” Brick spilt a large piece of cake down his top. "What’s that then?”
“If you’d let me continue I was about to explain.”
“You paused.” Rubbing the stain only made it worse.
“I have a huge slice of cake to manipulate down my throat.” Dandara offered justification for her verbal gap.
“Well maybe you’ll learn to eat in delicate chunks rather than beastly bites.”
Not Brick began playing music through his pursed lips. Everyone stopped to look at him. “Sorry. I was just adding the background music to your growing love. This is how I imagine the build up to your kiss will be. Growing tension, bit of a row.”
“There will be no kiss.” Dandara remained certain.
“What kind of love story doesn’t end with a kiss?” Not Brick copied Brick’s cake spilling manoeuvre.
“The kind that isn’t a love story and just a plain adventure.”
“Well if this isn’t a love story why do you two insist on ramming your obvious love down our throats?” Not Brick also found rubbing only made the stain worse.
“If I punched you would that help make this more of an action tale?” Dandara readied her fist.
“Feisty too, I see why you like her.”
“So how does this sonar work?” Spiritwind genuinely wanted to know.
“There is a slap coming your way.” Dandara stopped mid-stride towards Not Brick and sat back down. “The evolution sonar comes as standard with any ship. By firing it at a planet it assesses the dominant life form and displays it in handy holographic form. You don’t want to land somewhere where the dominant species are forty foot jaws on legs as fast as a cheetah’s, not without knowing anyway. We can easily program the computer to cross reference periods of Earth with their dominant images and fashions.”
“And it could do that for all the Earth’s?” Spiritwind was really enjoying his cake.
“Ours could do it within minutes, but it probably still isn’t speaking to us. We may have to use Jam’s. In fact we could go and do it now.” Dandara gestured towards Bettina. It suggested she was the other that made up the ‘we’.
“What should we do?” Spiritwind hid behind his cake, hoping they wouldn’t be asked to come along.
“I’m sure you can find some way to amuse yourselves.” Dandara was ready to leave, remaining cake in hand. She waited for Bettina to straighten her suit.
“Did you invent Yoghurt Bucket after working in that yoghurt factory?” Brick saw a unique opportunity for a cross dimensional cup, even though nobody had crossed dimensions.
“We never worked in a yoghurt factory.” Not Brick provided the answer.
“Of course, Fate never needed to place you there so you could save the Earth.” Brick thought out loud.
“We did invent Gel Bucket after working in a hair product factory though.” Not Spiritwind offered hope. “They kept giving us boxes of the stuff but between us we need little.” Not Spiritwind patted his bald head, Not Brick pointed to his magical hair.
”We’ll be off then. You guys have fun. We’ll let ourselves out.” Vague goodbye gestures trickled round the room. The focus of the room had already been split beyond repair. The side still concerned with the mission, left.
“We tried Mousse Bucket for a while but it just didn’t have the range.” Not Brick continued to elaborate.
“We now use that for fake beards and trying to work out how we’ll look in forty years time.” Not Spiritwind provided a back-story.
“Shall we presume the basic rules are to cover your opponent's bucket in as much of the chosen weapon as possible without using your eyes for guidance?” Brick moved things along.
“That just about covers it.” Not Brick reached around the sofa for the buckets.
“Not if I duck.” Brick tried to crack a joke. It proved quite resistant to his minimal comedy force.
“I’ll get the extra buckets from the shed.” Not Spiritwind stood excitedly.
“Are we fighting as teams representing our respective Earth’s or every man for himself?” Spiritwind wished to clarify the rules.
“Every man for himself.” Everybody concurred as the house cringed. It sensed an awful lot of mess was heading its way.
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